IN THE MOMENT
Louis was back at his own house but not alone for once. He had Liam by his side who was flicking through his music, playing it out loud and letting the stereo take over the thoughts that were consuming and swallowing Louis. It was drowning out all the other thoughts, not letting him focus on anything besides the fact that Liam was being an obnoxious fucker, playing Louis's own cringe worth lyrics out loud.
"Seriously mate, you're first singles were funny as fuck." Liam chuckled, changing it to another song and laughing along to all the lyrics, singing loudly.
Louis smiled. "You remember the lyrics though, don't you? Look at you, singing along."
Liam rolled his eyes, blushing. "Of course I remember your lyrics, they are my best friend's!"
"You're such a bloody weirdo," Louis sighed, shaking his head. In actual fact, Louis felt very flattered when people listened to his music and they could remember the lyrics back to his first single. It was comforting to know there was people supporting him, way back in time when Louis had no faith in himself. He was a lost idiot, foolish and heartbroken and he was a depressing pessimistic.
Now, Louis has managed to improve -- enough to say he's feeling okay and not feel a heavy weight on his tongue from the guilt of lying so easily. He was getting on, managing and dealing with situations much easier than before and with much more ease. Sure, there is still pain and hurt and it surrounds Louis's life on a daily basis and truthfully, that's never going to go away. It wasn't going to get steadier now that Harry had managed to squirm his way back into Louis's rather fucked up life. It just all felt like one bloody big mess, but a better mess than before.
"Hey!" Liam sulked, pouting like a child before swatting Louis playfully on the shoulders. He turned the music down, facing Louis more closely now. "You don't call your brother a weirdo, say sorry."
Louis scoffed, rolling his eyes and muttering a quick "no," before grinning widely and grabbing his own phone.
He hardly went on any social media recently, finding that his life seemed to feel better when he wasn't inviting himself to the endless hate he receives. Ever since the party with Zayn, more and more people have been sending Louis hate: calling him gay, fag and what not and Louis doesn't mind. That's what he is, he is gay and it's glad that people can see that besides the lie of him being with Eleanor. He just wished things were different enough to be able to have Harry, without Dalton involved, and walk down the streets hands in hands. He might not have that, not now and not ever and it brought a tingle to Louis, goosebumps on his arms and an weird ache to his chest.
"How's things between you and Harry?" Liam asked.
It seemed like whenever Louis was thinking of him, the subject was always brought up and mentioned and it became hard for Louis to give an answer. He didn't know what to say. It was good because he was actually seeing Harry with his own two eyes, seeing the beauty he captured and how the whole world was mesmerized by him -- especially himself. But it was bad as well, he could never have that insane beauty for himself, he could never make Harry feel good with his own two hands and his own words. That was all he wanted, besides the singing career and it was one ambition, one dream he wasn't able to make come true.
Maybe that's what made Louis so upset about this whole situation. It was what he didn't say, what could never be from this perfect hot mess that they both have created. Louis knows there's unresolved feelings here, there's still a spark waiting to ignite but Harry is needy of Dalton, he is completely gone and in love with Dalton. How many times is Louis going to have to remind this to himself before he finally realises and backs away? He isn't sure himself.
"It's nothing special," Louis finally settled on saying, shrugging. What else could he say that could explain the whirlwind of emotions spinning through his mind right now? "I mean, it is what it is."
"Well, I know it's nothing special," Liam said, his voice low and cautious like he was afraid that he was hurting Louis with his words. "I mean, I just want to know how you're getting along."
"It's fine, we're just friends -- a little weird friends, to be honest."
Liam chuckled out loud, nodding and smiling fondly at Louis before handing over a bowl of popcorn for him. "Listen, I know it's a little hard but you're going to get through this."
Louis just nodded, not knowing what else to say and not being able to bring the words to his throat and mouth either. He just wanted the topic of Harry to disappear altogether but at the same time, he wanted to discuss it until there was no words left and his throat was aching from the remembrance of Harry and the way his lips feel, his fresh minty breath. "I know, I always get through it." Louis grinned, trying to sound convicing but Liam wasn't buying it.
"You just like, need a decent break from here."
He nodded because Louis agreed. "I know, I need to go somewhere far and never see the world again." Then he paused. "But, I love the people who support me so much Li. Like, these girls that sacrifice their time for me. It's just mindblowing."
"It's because of your ass," Liam teased, rolling his eyes but agreed aswell, his eyes wide and earnest. "It's actually pretty sick, you have good support and you're in good hands."
"I know, exactly!" Louis sighed dramatically. "I just wish that was enough for me."
"It is, you just don't see it."
"So.." Louis smirked, starting the conversation up with something different that he hadn't touched upon yet or seen action with his own two eyes. "How's you and Zayn going?"
The simple mention of Zayn got Liam blushing red, instantly covering his face with his hands and groaning into them. It was quite cute the effect that Zayn had on him, nothing ever softened or reduced Liam into a soft ball of sunshine but this. Louis wasn't used to seeing this but he definitely could get the hang of it.
Liam smiled warmly now. "Their really good... like really good." He muttered.
"Yeah?" Louis asked, raising an eyebrow and winking just slightly to get him worked up even more. "I bet they are. Are you guys officially dating now?"
"Yeah, I asked that little fucker out because apparently he's too shy."
"So you'll be doing the proposing?"
"Too soon!" Liam groaned again, slapping Louis's arm playfully.
Louis swatted his arm in return as Liam turned up the music, drowning out all conversations once again and Louis was thankful for that. Sometimes, he just wanted time to himself but also be allowed to have company over so he wasn't alone. He hated feeling alone, like he had no one to talk to. He was tired of being like this -- tired of pushing people away because of one specific curly lad. His career was beginning to pick up now, it was really starting to make more sense for him and he just wanted to focus on it. Louis wanted to record more albums, wanted to release new singles and film more music videos but a part of him was always lacking, he never gave it his 100%. With the new world tour coming up, he wanted to offer everything inside of him for these people who are buying his concert tickets, paying to meet him and his miserable face. Why would anyone torture themselves like that?
He had to start making a change, now. Before it was too late. He had to minus the distractions in his life.
Right on cue, the doorbell sound went off and Louis jumped, startled. He wasn't expecting any guests tonight and he was a little annoyed towards the fact that his free time with Liam has been ruined. He just wanted to spend some quality time with people who understood, who were there for him from day one.
"One second," he muttered to Liam, shrugging at Liam's confused expression as he went over and unlocked the chains, looking through the peep hole to find a rather upset Harry staring back at him.
Talking about distractions.
Louis tried not to sigh out loud as he unlocked the door, swinging it open and shooting Harry a rather tired expression. "Haz?" He called as Harry rubbed his eyes, looking tired.
"Erm... is this a bad time?"
Louis glanced back at Liam in the other room and sighed, shrugging. It wouldn't be a bad idea to let these two bond again and plus, what was Louis even doing before Harry had arrived? All the promises of distractions, putting his focus on one thing only went flying out of the window as he stepped out of the way, unblocking Harry's path. "Not really, come in."
Harry seemed uncertain for a second but stepped in, shaking his hair and pulling the fringe back. He looked drained, as usual but there was just something else about his facial expression today. He looked well fucked, his cheeks rosy and his eyes wide and glossy. It was almost like he had just ran out of his apartment after Dalton had a good go at him.
Louis tried not to notice, swallowing past the burning in his throat as he led Harry into the living room where Liam noticed, jumping straight up. Liam looked surprised, to say the least as he stared Harry up and down like he wasn't even human.
"You're here," Liam said coldly, however -- his voice hostile and faraway and Louis internally cringed because this wasn't what he expected.
Harry's face fell, not like he was smiling anyway, as he fiddled with his fingers uncomfortably. "Hey Liam," he whispered finally, offering a small smile.
Step by step Louis thought to himself. He had to bring Harry back to all the friends, step by step. Niall was already crossed off the list because he knew Niall was the easiest one to do, he was the one that was forgiving and willing to reason. However, Liam and Zayn were just difficult on another level.
"I don't know how to feel right now," Liam said, his voice shaky as he laughed out loud.
"You don't have to feel anything, I'm sorry I showed up."
Louis put his head in his hands and groaned. "Liam," he pleaded, not looking up because he didn't want this to be an awkward day. He just wanted for everything to go okay and as planned for once so he didn't have to feel completely broken the next day.
Liam noticed the begging behind the soft tone as his eyes slightly lightened up and he brushed forward, crushing Harry into a bear hug. Harry squirmed, rather painfully, but soon relaxed into the hold and sighed, nuzzling his head into Liam's neck. "Bro, where the fuck you been?" Liam whispered, sounding completely wrecked and broken. "I missed you so so much, Harry."
Harry just sighed again, his eyes with big, thick tears building up again. "I missed you too Li, more than you'll ever know. Please believe me."
"Why did you leave?"
"I'm sorry." Was all Harry could get out, closing his eyes and Louis felt anger. He was annoyed that Harry could never explain himself, never give a reasoning as to why it was okay to cut everyone off for three years. Especially him. But, that's how friendships go and Louis was no one to complain. He didn't know what else to say to Harry.
"No, you're not you tosser. You're not." Liam mumbled, running a hand through his curls. Their voices were hushed, private.
"I am! I just, I don't know!" Harry cried back.
"Oh shut the fuck up, I'm so angry at you!"
"I'm sorry."
Louis felt like he was interupting something, felt like this was a moment that these two lads needed to share so he backed out of the living room and entered his kitchen. Grabbing a beer from the fridge, he slouched into his stool feeling mournful and rather dejected. He thought of having to see Eleanor soon for another date was almost making him want to scream. He felt sick that he was lying to millions.
He tried not to think, tried to shut his thoughts out for once goddamn second as he swallowed down the drink and closed his eyes. Everything was confusing, spinning all at once and Louis knew he needed to stop for a second and just take a breather. There was a lot going on -- nothing of which he wasn't used to but it was just the pain that followed.
After what seemed like forever, Harry wandered into the kitchen and gave Louis a sympathetic smile before sitting down besides him. They sat in silence before he spoke up. "Liam left."
Louis just nodded, shrugging. "Why?"
"I don't know."
"What?" Louis asked confused even though he knew that Liam probably wanted to give them two some private time alone and that was the last time he needed right now. He sighed, nodding and taking another swing of his bottle. He was too worn out to even ask why Harry was here.
"What's wrong Louis?" Harry finally asked, snapping him out of his thoughts and bringing him back to life.
Louis blinked a few times, feeling utterly confused as he shook his head furiously. No, he wasn't going to do this. He was completely fine. He was being a little ungrateful, spoilt brat for not realising how amazingly successful he was. He was practically loaded with money, backed up by millions of fans - constantly and people looked up to him. So many people can't even come close to touching what Louis was living but it felt like a horrible nightmare gone wrong.
He tried to put on a brave smile, a fake persona. "I'm fine."
"I know you Louis."
And just like that, Louis could feel his temper being brought up as his legs started to shake inevitably. His eyes twitched as he clenched his fists, taking deep breaths. "You don't know anything, okay?" He spat back. Harry wasn't allowed to do this. He wasn't allowed to leave for three years then come back, assume he knows everything ask Louis oh so sweetly that he knew him.
Harry looked startled, taken back as he edged away from the stool just slightly and looked completely heartbroken. His eyes wide, filling with tears once again and his bottom lip shaking as he tried to compose himself. "I'm sorry?" He offered.
"Stop fucking apologising Harry!" He finally snapped, breaking and letting go of all the emotions that have been building up inside. He felt pressurized, pushed to the brim. "Why are you even saying sorry? Do you know?"
Harry's shoulders shook uncontrollably. "What? Of course I know why I'm apologising, I did wrong."
"Yeah, you fucking did!" Louis carried on, not even being careful of what was coming out his mouth. His head was swimming, craving for more of his bottle. "But you show up here, every single time, with a sad smile and like you want me to feel sorry for you! Why?"
This time, Harry reacted as he climbed out of the chair and gave Louis one stern straight face. He looked hurt, his eyes looked struck with grief as he pulled himself together. "If you didn't want me here, you just had to say." Harry spoke softly, his voice barely audible. "I don't want you to feel sorry for me."
"But you do, Harry, you just fucking do and what am I supposed to do?" Louis groaned pathetically, tears spilling from his eyes from the anger. "I didn't want you back, you just bring pain to me - every single day of my sad, little pathetic life."
This time, Harry let out a broken sob really loudly as he held his stomach and closed his eyes tightly. Louis had no idea how much his words could affect him but it was clearly a lot as Harry rubbed his eyes, one arm still clutched safely around his petite waist. Louis hadn't even realised how tiny he really was now staring at him, now that his body form was clearly outlined and Louis couldn't even bring to explain how he felt in that moment. He felt terrible.
Louis jumped up from his seat to reach over, to comfort Harry even though he had no right after the harsh words but Harry recoiled, jumping back and muttering soft. "No, no, no," as he stepped back and shook his head. "Please, no."
"Harry?" Louis asked, his voice unstable and confused as to what was being played out right in front of his eyes. What had he done?
"Please, no!" Harry repeated. "I just... I'm sorry. Fuck! I said it again. Oh no, I swore." By now, Harry was just muttering things that Louis couldn't make it, only looking sympathetically at Harry who was freaking out. "Just, please?" Harry pleaded.
"Please what?"
"I'll go, I'm sorry." Harry said, running out of the door before Louis could even react.
And once again, Louis was left with his broken thoughts and Harry on his mind.
This definitely wasn't how he was expecting to start his life with no distractions. But, he was more worried about how Harry had reacted and how skinny he was.
**
The night following was horrendous, Louis felt like shit and he didn't know what else to do except feel it. He tried to cuddle up to himself, watch a sad movie and drown himself in tears but he couldn't focus on the screen, he couldn't focus on the words being spoken. All he could do was feel Harry's pain, his tears and the way he reacted and it just wasn't normal. He should've shoved Louis, taught him a lesson and instead, he blamed himself and ran out and Louis wanted nothing more than to fix things.
But where did that get him? Nowhere.
It was an endless cycle. He would go back to Harry, then it would be all good but there's something about Harry that Louis just couldn't crack -- then they would fight, or something and lead up to Harry running out. Louis had to learn, once and for all, that this wasn't his business and push Harry out for good.
Even though, he knew he wasn't going to stick to those words -- he was going to try. Today was going to be a long day since he had a meeting with Richard and Eleanor and he was certain that they were going to confirm them two dating.
He didn't mind meeting Eleanor a few more times, she was a lovely girl with a warming loving heart but this wasn't what he wanted. Louis wanted to be able to show up in public, holding his boyfriends hand and walk along happily because he's gay and nothing else has been this certain to him.
Louis stumbled into his kitchen and the memories from last night hit him hard as he looked around the dirty place. His bottle was still out, unfinished and just begging for Louis to take a sip of it. But, he refused to as he threw it back in the fridge. He poured some cereal, not wanting anything too heavy as he settled down on the counter -- the same one where he argued with Harry last night.
But, something surprising was sitting there and Louis had to stare at it for a few minutes before coming to terms with what it was. It was a cellphone and he had definitely not seen it before. It couldn't be his, or Liam's or Zayn's or Niall's.
It was quite a old make, something you could only take a picture and text or call on it and it looked worn out like someone had been using it for quite a long time. It also seemed broken but the one or two buttons missing. Louis didn't know what to make of it except the fact that it was probably Harry's phone.
"But Harry said he didn't have a phone," he whispered to himself. He pressed the home button and a picture of Dalton flashed on the front screen. Definitely Harry. "Goddamn!" He wanted to throw the phone across the room, break it and never have to see that again but it wasn't his property and he couldn't manage to fuck up things more than they already had.
Without a second thought, he grabbed the phone and jumped into his car knowing exactly where his next destination was.