Elise Halder
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It's not that I don't know where I'm going, but more so that I'm just not exactly sure where my feet are taking me.
I'm not a runner; never have been, never will be—but right now, I can't seem to do anything but run. It's distracting, I guess, but it's also making me think, in a way that completely contradicts the purpose of running away from something. Every new step of my feet adds another thought, a new harsh awakening from the worst depths of my subconscious.
You're a coward.
I know that.
Go back and face the rejection like a big girl.
But that, I can't do. It's much easier to run away and to avoid the inevitable. I don't know what happened after I ran, and I don't know what Cade could've said at that point, without me there to dispute him. He could've said anything he wanted, really, and I can't bare to think that it might've worked.
And I know, I know all too well that I'm not helping my case at this very moment. I'm aware that every step I run is taking me further away from my defense, and if I'd just stayed and stood up for myself I could've stopped this. But two out of the six people in that room knew I wouldn't. And we both know I haven't done my credibility any favors by leaving, but I feel a little less trapped being out of the building and away from the boy.
If I could apologize to my older self, the one who made the promise, I would, but I can't. And if my older self could come forward and slap me right across the cheek with some sense, I would let her, but I can't do that either.
So I just run. And I know that I'm not very far away, and I'm not all that fast, so I shouldn't be surprised when I hear a voice call out, but I am, and I slow down in a panic, thinking it might be the same boy I had to get away from in the first place.
But it's not, it's a girl's voice, one that I know all too well.
"Lisi, wait—"
I turn around, despite how much I want to keep going, because we're both out of breath, and my confusion grows because this girl willingly ran after me, and she doesn't run for anyone.
I stop fully, and my chest is heaving up and down as the running catches up with me. My mouth is dry and hoarse, so I don't even speak, just look at her as I catch my breath, waiting for her to continue.
She takes a deep breath in, blinking rapidly in concern as she comes to stand in front of me. "You have to—" another breath. "You have to go back."
My heart is pounding because I can't run to distract myself anymore so I shake my head slowly. "I can't go back there." I choke out.
She breathes out again, surprising me when she puts both hands on my shoulders, looking intently at me with slight desperation. "No, Lisi, you don't understand," my brows furrow. "It's Luke, he's—"
"Lisi!"
My nerves grow as Cassie is interrupted, both of us pausing to glance back at the boy currently running to us, his shaggy hair moving wildly in the wind without his usual bandana to tame it.
"Ashton! What the hell?" Cassie removes her hands from me to look at him in exasperation, my confusion only growing. "You should be—"
He interrupts, huffing out a breath as he waves his hand quickly to dismiss it. "I know, I know, Cal and Mike have it covered, I just needed to get—"
I cut in, confused and still out of breath, feeling overwhelmingly out of the loop. "Have what covered?"
Ashton purses his lips, looking from me to Cassie with a look that makes me nervous as I wait impatiently for an answer. "You didn't tell her?" He directs it at Cassie and my eyes narrow.
"Tell me what?" I'm frantic now, wondering what I could've missed. "What the hell is going on? What are Mike and Cal doing?" Ashton lets out a deep breath and closes his eyes for a moment, my eyes moving frantically between him and Cassie, who's grimacing.
"They're holding him back,"
I swallow, very much not enjoying the fact that there are very few people he could be referring to. "Who?"
He gives me a look, almost pleading, as if I should already know, which I do. "Luke, Lisi. They're holding Luke back from Cade."
I knew this, of course I had figured this much out, but it doesn't stop me from squeezing my eyes shut tight and shaking my head rapidly, willing the entire situation to disappear. "Oh my god, oh my god," I mumble to myself.
I can picture the wince on Cassie's face. "Right after you ran out he—he just snapped, I don't know, he lunged at him, just shoved him right up against the wall—"
I'm horrified, eyes still shut, as she continues to fill me in. "He got some nasty hits in before Michael pulled him back, but he was pissed, Lisi. Kept saying he needed to find you, but Michael didn't let him go because he thought he'd like, turn around and kill Cade or something," She breathes out. "I left to run after you right after that."
This time Ashton takes his turn to fill in the blanks, much to my dismay, as my heart clenches painfully. "Cal had to hold Cade back, too, after that," he pauses. "I mean, he knocked him in the jaw once before he did it, but," he trails off and I don't know where my mind is at or how to get it back.
I open my eyes in panic as Ashton continues, hesitantly. "I left to come get you both, once Cade started laughing, going off about how stupid Luke is for..." a pause in both his words and my heartbeat. "...for believing you and...being with you and all that."
And there it is, the push my tears needed to brim at the bottom of my eyes.
Cassie moves in front of me in an instant, hands back to grip my shoulders as I will myself not to let the tears fall. "Lisi, no, don't do this, please," She shakes me slightly. "It's not like that at all, Luke doesn't think that at all,"
I know I should believe her, for once, so I bite my quivering lip and try to pull myself together, deciding to find out for myself, this time. "I-" I let out a shaky breath as I glance from Ashton to Cassie, who both look more worried than I've ever seen. "I have to go find him."
Both of them slump in relief at my words, Cassie nodding her head frantically as I shrug myself away from her grip. "Oh thank god," she looks to the clouds, as if she really is thanking him. "Yes, yes you absolutely do. Go, you need to go, like, yesterday—"
I cut her off by wrapping my arms around her, quickly, with a squeeze, before moving to do the same to Ashton, barely giving the two of them enough time to respond or reciprocate, but I don't care. I just needed them to know how much their care means to me, since I'm not all that good with my words.
I'm gone before they can say a word, short legs moving faster from my adrenaline than my own mind can, because I can't afford to waste any more time. Any more of his time, in all honesty.
But here's the thing about adrenaline; it doesn't last.
It doesn't ever last and neither do my positive thoughts, apparently, because something switches when the building comes back into view. I blame it mostly on the fact that I've slowed down, once my destination comes close, which allows my brain to start kicking back in, bringing with it all the doubts I had before. And I never used to panic this much, but something about Cade and the words he undoubtedly spoke to Luke bring me to a halt, right outside the glass doors.
I can't see inside from the glare of the sun, but I can see myself. And all I see is someone who has lost, multiple times, to a boy that's likely on the other side, and it all seems very pathetic.
All of it, but mostly the fact that I dragged Luke into my own drama, and left, leaving him to fight my battles.
Even if he doesn't believe Cade, who would want to be with someone like that?
When I shut my eyes, the tears escape, silently and softly, as I shake my head, turning sharply around from the doors, moving to walk slowly away.
I don't even sob, it's just hot, gentle tears that stain my cheeks as I walk, unable to hear anything besides the conflicted thoughts in my head. Some are telling me I'm being stupid, and some are telling me that Ashton and Cassie were wrong.
And I guess I was too caught up in my self loathing to hear the door burst open, and I was probably much too busy with my own mind to register the footsteps behind me.
But when a strong arm wraps around my waist from behind, stopping my movements and gently pulling me back, the clutter in my head is gone, completely vanishing to make room for the person holding me to their front.
"Lis, baby," his voice is soft, softer than I think it's ever been. "Where are you going?"
I sniffle, relaxing slightly back into him at the sound of his voice. "I have no idea." I breathe out, my words honest.
My heart's pounding when he brushes my hair back behind one ear, leaning down to speak into it as one hand continues to run softly through my hair. "Are you running from me, again?"
His voice is so gentle, so calm, and I can't possibly understand why. "No," I say quietly, positive he can still hear me. "I was walking, it doesn't count."
He sighs, hand still running down the length of my hair as he presses a small kiss to the side of my head, tugging me little closer by the arm that's around my waist. "Why were you walking away from me, then?"
I close my eyes. "Because I'm dumb."
He brushes all of my hair off to one side, tracing gentle fingertips slowly down the exposed skin of my neck to my shoulder, where my sweater has fallen down, before trailing down my arm. I'm shivering by the time he reaches my hand, lacing his fingers through mine slowly before bringing them up to his lips, planting a lingering kiss on the back of my shaky hand.
Is my heart supposed to be beating this fast? Can he tell?
"You might be a little dim," he hums, bringing me an odd sense of déjà vu as he brings our hands back down. "But that isn't your fault."
He trails his hand back up to my shoulder, a warmth spreading through me at the caress of his thumb, despite the coldness in the weather. "It isn't?" I whisper.
His fingers move back up to graze my neck and I tilt my head involuntarily at the feeling, head falling lightly back against his shoulder. "No," my sweater falls further down my shoulder as he dips his head down. "It's mine."
I know we have so much to talk about, many more important discussions about what happened today, but all I can focus on is the way Luke is holding me to him. His grip is tight but it's gentle at the same time, and that, in combination with his touches and his breath tickling my neck, has my mind spinning. I can't even find my doubts from before, and my heart races that he could have such an effect on me.
"How?" I breathe, gulping when he replaces his fingers on my neck with his lips, grazing the sensitive skin with a tenderness that only Luke has ever shown me.
His lips are on the corner of my jaw when he speaks, his hand that's not wrapped around me moving to bring my sweater slowly back up my shoulder. "I haven't made myself clear enough," Another kiss to my neck as he whispers against my skin. "I haven't shown you."
I'm at a loss for words, and I feel like my entire body is off the ground, despite the fact that we're both planted firmly on our feet.
Luke puts his free arm around the other side of my waist, lips hovering by my ear. "If I let go of you," he starts, quietly, tugging me a little closer. "Are you going to run away?"
I let out a breath, my heart pounding as I shake my head, slowly. "No, not from you," I whisper. "I'm done running."
All at once, he releases me, stepping back as a rush of cold washes over me. I turn around, desperate for his touch and the warmth he gave me, to see the man fully for the first time and the intensity he looks at me with. He's breathing heavy, much like I am, and his eyes are full of emotions that are much too complex to decipher.
I wrap my arms around him, immediately, my head pressed into his shoulder as a wave of emotion hits me. I don't know what it is, exactly, likely a combination of things, but when I squeeze my eyes shut I can feel the same wetness on my cheeks from before, fresh tears staining the dried paths down my face.
Luke relaxes a bit, like he was still unsure if I would've bolted the second I wasn't in his arms, but I haven't; I'm here, desperately clinging to him as emotion silently pours from my eyes and onto his hoodie. It takes him a moment to react before he slowly wraps an arm around my torso, the other placed on the back of my head, keeping me to him with a quiet exhale. "Babygirl, look at me,"
I pull my head back to look up, his brows furrowing in concern once he sees me. "Oh, Lis," he murmurs, hands moving to cup the sides of my face, brushing his thumbs over the dampness under my eyes. "Why are you crying?"
I sniffle, letting out a breathy laugh. "Is it bad if I don't know?"
The smallest of smiles graces his features when he shakes his head, and I blink to get rid of the glossiness around my eyes. "No," his thumbs move softly on my skin. "As long as you're okay, and I don't have to punch anybody else."
I sigh, looking down a bit at the reminder. "Luke—"
He stops me, tilting my head back up with his hands on my face, leaning down to connect our lips in a slow kiss. My eyes flutter shut as my heart pounds mercilessly, insides melting at the soft touch. Luke pulls back, just an inch, to whisper.
"I know, baby, but not right now," He breathes, referring to the conversation we still need to have, kissing me a second more before continuing. "Just be with me right now."
I nod, breathless and dazed at his words, before he dips back down, lips moving softly with my own once more. I nearly sigh of relief into the kiss, reveling in the way his thumbs move delicately under my puffy eyes. He pulls away too soon to look at me, fully, with his bottom lip pulled between his teeth and his eyes bright.
"Come on," he drops his hands to lace one of them with mine. "I have something to show you."
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liek if u cri everytim.
I gotta be honest my cold heart softened 147% after writing this jEEZ.
I'm a whoRE for soft Luke okay it's too much!
ANYWAYS I can't believe there's as many people reading this as there are & I LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YA.
-tay ♡