chapter twelve • 'love'
WARNING: messy af but ashton and ella kiss so it makes up for it.
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"I do." I said, moving in closer to him, which was almost impossible. I sighed nestling my head into Calum's neck as he rested his head ontop of mine. I didn't know what else to say, there was nothing to say. So holding his hand a little tighter, I said the first thing that came to mind. "You deserved so much better than that, Calum, you really did, I'm sorry."
He tried to give a small smile but it faded fast. "No, I really didn't. I still don't." Calum said shaking his head. "It's okay though. It's all over. I still have Ashton and Luke. I have a flat. I have you. Life is better now. Thank God."
We both stayed silent whilst I tried to figure out what to say. "You don't get it, Calum. You're amazing. You're sweet, hilarious, unique, you're just completely different than anyone I've met. You're every good quality a person could have. If anyone deserves the best, it's you. Don't doubt yourself, you're perfect, it's other people's loss if they can't realize that."
Then, Calum pulled A Luke. "I don't get you Ella," He said chuckling. I raised my eyebrow at him, signaling for him to explain further. "You see the best in everyone, except yourself. You're nice to everyone, except yourself. You see purpose in everyone's life, except your own. Why?"
Again, I contemplated the same question. I hoped Calum would back out and take back the question, as Luke had, but he didn't. The longer I pondered the question, the more eagerly Calum awaited a response. A response I didn't seem to have. "I-I... I don't know. I live inside of me, I hear my thoughts, I know what I think of, I know every part of me, and after seeing that there's no way I could even remotely like myself. Or see anything good of me. Trust me, if you could see in my mind, you'd hate me too."
All truth. If people could somehow enter my brain, read my thoughts, nobody could ever love me. I'd lived inside me for more than seventeen years, I had explored every part of myself, and it only made me hate myself more.
"Then tell me," Calum asked, "Tell me. How do you think? What's inside your head? How do you see yourself?"
I wanted to find an excuse to end this conversation and move on, but I couldn't. Calum had opened up completely to me, and I owed it to him to do the same. "It's almost impossible to explain... but I'll do my best... I... I see the worst in the everything. I can't have one normal, nice thought, without a morbid thought about death or hatred continuing it. Nothing makes me happy... Except you, and Luke, and Ashton and bands. Not butterflies, not flowers, not puppies, not nature, none of that excites me or makes me feel anything. I guess thats why I get attached so easily, I rarely feel anything good, no love, no happiness, no content, none of that. So when I find someone like you who makes me feel all of those things, I cling to them. The things I do feel; guilt, anger, pain, suffering. None of which I can control. The guilt, anger, all of that just consumes my soul and there comes a point where it just eats you up completely and you're just... empty. I've been there more than once. That's when you start realising just how much you don't have anything to live for... so you don't live. You either kill yourself, or you exist, empty an souless trapped inside a body you've been to taught to hate. But then, if you've survived, something happens or someone comes along that makes you think 'wow, I do have some thing to live for, and I want to live-for that.' so then you regain some parts of your soul, even if you're not whole. But then, the twist, you think you're doing great, and then something reminds you of the way things were. And you start loosing yourself, yet again. And you start thinking the way you did before. And before you know it your demons took over, and you're gone. This relapse could take months, years, or just a couple minutes. You see Calum, depression never ends, and that's why I shouldn't be here. I'm just a big ball of depression, and all you deserve better. That's how I think Calum, and I bet you're terrified now."
Calum's eyes look sad, and tired, and he had that far away look in his eyes, and I couldn't help regret ever saying any of that. "I'm not terrified... I like it. Not that you feel that way, no I don't like that at all. That you know, you're not oblivious, you're not the average teenage girl who thinks about boys and Ke$ha, and how to land themselves a better spot in that 'social ladder'. You know about life, you know more about life than anyone I've met. There's much more to you than there is to other girls I've met. But, you're also wrong. Depression does end, things do get better, some people just don't contain the strength within them to make it that far. Ella, I'm living proof depression ends."
I let go oh his hand and raised an eyebrow. Then, I bombarded him with questions. "Oh, really? Are you happy? Are you content with your life? Don't you ever get sad out of no where? Do you feel like something's missing? Do you like your life? Do you like yourself?
Do you feel complete?"
I heard Calum take a deep breath and then whisper, "I feel complete when you're around." Then he lips formed a small smile.
My breath hitched, as I struggled to find something to say. "...I'm being serious Calum."
"So am I."
"You're not, I know you're not. I've been in your life for what, two weeks? Less? More? Point is, I can't just come into your life and solve all your problems, it doesn't work that way." I protested.
"Ella, listen to me, again you're wrong. As you said; sometimes you meet someone and it changes everything. You're that person for me. I love you, I'm in love with you, and I never felt more content with my life than I do when I'm around you. And I know I shouldn't be throwing around 'I'm in love with you' because many people do, and most of the times they don't mean it, but I know. I'm positive I mean it. I know I am in love with you, because if I wasn't I wouldn't stay up thinking about you. I wouldn't annoy Ashton by telling him how happy you make me every single day. I wouldn't stay infatuated with all the small things about you, as I do. Like how you bite your pencils when you're excited and how you play with your thumbs when you're nervous. I'm in love with you, I need you to be in love with me too." Calum said, my heart was beating faster and faster as I couldn't find the words to say.
I didn't know what I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him I loved him, and everything about him, and how fucking in love I was with him, but I couldn't. Love was something I had never expierenced and it scared the shit out of me. Of course, I've loved people, but I've never been in love. How was I supposed to tell Calum how I felt, when I didn't even know how felt. For all I know, this isn't even love, this could be a crush and us being stupid kids considering it love. And I didn't know if whether or not to take the risk of not knowing.
Calum cocked an eyebrow and stared at me while I was thinking. "Is it Luke? Are you in love with Luke?"
"Can you fucking drop that already Calum, I've told you a million times Luke's just a great a friend, I'm not in love with him." I said, angrily.
"But you're not in love with me either, are you?"
At this point, I started crying, everything just became too much. I just came out of a mini coma, and I have to deal with all of this again, and I could feel my anxiety levels rising, and I could feel my suicidal thoughts deepening. "I don't know Calum, I don't want to risk loosing you, then probably loosing myself, not that I even found myself. And I don't want to be sad and lonely and lonelier and sadder and living on the road because I'm sad and lonely. And I have no idea what I'm saying and I don't think any of this makes any sense but point is; I don't know." I started spitting out words that didn't make sense together, and Calum started looking at me as if I was insane.
"Don't cry, princess. I'm sorry."
He wiped my eyes with the sleeves of his sweater. "Love sucks," I said, as I composed myself.
He laugh slightly as he wrapped his pinky around mine, "One day, we can make it out alive." He sang, in an almost whisper.
"Is that another song you wrote?" I asked, as I couldn't help but smile. He nodded with another one of his goofy smiles plastered on his face. "I wanna hear it,"
"Yeah, but there's a different one I want you to hear... I wrote about us, if you'd like to hear it." He said uneasily, I nodded vigorously. "It's called Long Way Home, 'cause like I said, I never really had a home, or felt at home... You're the closest thing I've come to 'home', and things we've done, or things I wanna do with you, and a whole bunch of other metaphorical sappy stuff I don't want to bore you with."
"Sing it to me."
"We're taking the long home, taking the long way home.
Take me back to the middle of nowhere,
To the place only you and I share,
Remember all the memories,
The fireflies and make believe.
Kicking back at the old school yard,
Singing songs on our guitars,
This is our reality,
Crazy, stupid, and you and me.
We know this is the way it's supposed to be.
So we're taking the long way home, 'cause I don't want to be wasting my time alone,
I wanna get lost and drive forever with you,
Talking 'bout nothing, yeah, whatever baby.
So we're taking the long way home, tonight.
We're taking the long way home.
We're taking the long way home.
Now we're stuck in the middle of nowhere,
Yeah it only took our time to get there.
We're hiding out in a dream,
Catching fire like kerosine.
And you know I'd never let you down,
'Til the sun comes down we can own this town.
Something like make believe,
Living in a movie scene.
We know this is the way it's supposed to be.
So we're taking the long way home, 'cause I don't want to be wasting my time alone,
I wanna get lost and drive forever with you,
Talking 'bout nothing, yeah, whatever baby.
So we're taking the long way home.
Hitting every red light,
Kissing at the stop signs, darling.
Green Day's on the radio.
And everything is alright,
Now we're turning up the headlights darling,
We're just taking it slow.
So we're taking the long way home, 'cause I don't want to be wasting my time alone,
I wanna get lost and drive forever with you,
Talking 'bout nothing, yeah, whatever baby.
So we're taking the long way home.
Hitting every red light,
Kissing at the stop signs, darling.
Green Day's on the radio.
And everything is alright,
Now we're turning up the headlights, darling.
We're just taking it slow.
We're taking the long way home.
We're taking the long way home.
We're taking the long way home."
"That was beautiful," I gasped hugging him tightly on the floor. "Green Day's on the radio," I repeated remembering around the first day's we met where Green Day was literally on the radio, and Calum sang Gotta Get Out.
"That monent meant a lot to me, I never had the confidence to sing infront of anyone before, now I do." He said smiling, "Or sort of, the only other person who's actually heard me sing was Ash."
We both laughed, and smiled and we were okay. Or as okay as you can be when you're both pretty screwed up emotionally. "I really love the song, you should sing to more people Calum, I think its a civil right for people to hear you're beautiful voice, and you're restricting them the privilege." I said as we both chuckled.
"You love me, right?" I asked, biting down on my lip. Calum nodded and raised an eyebrow. "Okay, good." I said and within a second I launched myself at Calum, arms wrapped around his neck, my lips making contact with his.
I guess he was suprised at first, because he barely kissed back, but within a second his lips were moving in sync with mine. He put his hand on my lower back as he lowered it so I was laying down on the floor, and him hovering over me. He smiled into the kiss, and moved my hair out of my face.
The kiss broke for a second,
"I am in love with you."
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author's note
i lied ashton and ella dont kiss o . i thought it'd be fun to say idek.
CAN WE GET ATLEAST SIX COMMENTS ON THIS ONE?x
WOW I WROTE A LOT OF THIS TODAY WHICH EXPLAINS WHY ITS TERRIBLE LMAO I WAS PRETTY SURE I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO UPDATE LIKE FRIDAY BC SCHOOL WORK EW BUT I GOT IT DONE.
#CALLA YES
OO WHO SAID THE IM IN LOVE WITH YOU THING AT THE END THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW
IDEK WHAT IM DOING WITH MY LIFE
LONG WAY HOME WHOOP WHOOP
THIS CHAPTERS SO MESSY IM LAUGHING
ALSO THIS LONG AF CHAPTER IS CONTINUING NEXT UPDATE SO ITS FOUR CHAPTERS LONG WOW I DIVIDED THEM SO IT WOULD LOOK LIKE I HAD A LOT OF CHAPTERS TO THIS STORY WHEN IN REALITY I HAVE LIKE 8 AND A REALLY LONG ONE
THIS CHAPTER IS SO WEIR IM SO RRY
THIS CHAPTER IS ALSO DEDICATED TO @HEARTOUTIRWIN
AKA CARE BEAR AKA CAROLINE BC SHES GR8 :) ((IM GONNA GO ONLINE AND ACTUALLY PUT THE DEDICATION A BIT LATER BC I CANT FROM THE APP))
OKAY THATS IT.
BYE ILYASM.