Teacher: Look at Brad Pitt! LOOK AT HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!
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Teacher: Regardless of what question you're on, the next answer is C.
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Teacher: There's a whip guy and he's like, "Hold this and I'll whip it out of your hand!" and I'm like, "You can go to hell. I'm not doing that."
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Teacher: It's hot, there's no air conditioning on your horse I'm assuming -
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Teacher: Nothing is more American than seeing a big, beautiful tree and cutting a whole in it so cars can drive through it.
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Teacher: I do have a person taking a test in here so shut up.
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Teacher: I remember frolicking in the fields - as I do, I'm a frolicker - and getting tangled up in barbed wire! And then I had to go to the doctor and get all the tetanus shots.
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Teacher: And right now you guys are all like, "God. I can't wait for fifteen minutes from now. Fifteen minutes closer to death!"
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Teacher: Everyone shut up, someone's taking a test.
Teacher: *5 seconds later* Jeff Bezos is divorcing his wife!
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Teacher: And here's the thing - I'm totally comfortable with my sexuality - that's a good-looking man.
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Teacher: Can we agree that Prince William could never have gotten a woman that fine if his first name wasn't "Prince?" Now, I'm not saying Kate Middleton's a gold digger...but he's really bald. That's all I'm saying.
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Teacher: This is my world! Oh, I almost said "white world," that would have been terrible.
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Teacher: The lesson to learn is this: if you become a horrible murderer, pay your taxes!
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After talking about the YMCA...
Teacher: What about the YWCA, you bunch of sexists?
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Boy: *presenting* So we're the Women's Christian Temperance Union...
Teacher: Spoken like true men!
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Teacher: Hello again! I will not say hello to you a third time, just know that.
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Teacher: I'm not upset. I'm just very, very disappointed.
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Teacher: Confused and scared slap fight. That's what I'm all about. I would find a hole. I would stay in said hole.
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Teacher: Son of a nutcracker!
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Teacher: They dug up all the bodies - or they thought they got most of them - and every once in a while they'll be doing construction and be like, "Oh, that's a body." Could be a mobster, could be a smallpox victim.
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Teacher: I always have a hard time showing Hitler videos because the last time I did it my computer froze and I downloaded every virus on the Internet.
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Teacher: [Teddy Roosevelt] went down to Panama to watch the digging in a white suit and then he sat in the back of a backhoe like an American legend and dug a hole. Ya d*mn right he did!
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Teacher: I have two $20 bills! Suck on that! If I had three, I would punch [this girl] right in the face. *turning to a boy* Wait, are you eighteen?
Boy: Yeah.
Teacher: I would have punched him right in the face!
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Teacher: Canada and Russia! What can you do in most of Canada and Russia? You could die!
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Teacher: He had probably the worst fall I've ever seen. And we're going to watch it right now because I'm a sick and twisted freak.
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Teacher: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are the best candy, can we just agree on that? Even if you have a peanut allergy, you should give it a whirl. You have Epipens!
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Teacher: Your grandparents'll be like, "I used to go to the movies for a quarter!" and you're like, "You're so old!"
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Teacher: It's my niece's birthday today, so if you see her around town, tell her happy birthday. Then get away from my family.
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Teacher: One of my favorite moments last year was when this boy walked into my class and said, "You can call me Papa," and I was like, "I'm not gonna do that."
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Teacher: [Corsets] are like Spanx on crack!
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Teacher: Feta cheese can go straight to hell!
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Teacher: I don't care if it was Vladimir Putin handing me the check. I'd be like, "Thanks, Vlad."
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Teacher: *deep breath* I don't wanna throw a shoe at you.
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Boy: How do you not know about that?
Teacher: Because I'm thirty-nine years old!
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Teacher: And now it's this soccer player - he's nineteen. Jesus, that basically your guys' age. What the hell are you guys doing with your lives? I'm embarrassed for you.
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Teacher: If you drive a Volkswagen, someone once told me that it runs on the blood of dead Jews. So I don't want to call you a horrible person but...do I have to?
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Teacher: Watch "I Have a Dream!" It starts out calm but by the end, he's yelling at you and you're like *waving arms wildly* "Whatever you need me to do!"
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Teacher: So now some people have soul patches - that's just a Hitler in reverse. A reverse Hitler.
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Teacher: *handing an office summons to a student, whispering* Oh my god, you're getting expelled, this is so exciting.
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Teacher: That's our hot dates, me telling her about World War II industrial output.
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Teacher: These are ambulances. Ambuli, dare I say.
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Teacher: But Michael Jordan is still among the living, thankfully!
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Teacher: I was watching this interview with this Vietnam vet talking about North Koreans stealing his mittens and I was like, "You Commie sons of b's."
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Teacher: Do not make the words out of order in the presentation. If you do, I kill you.
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Teacher: If we're allowed to go on Google Earth and scroll down to our houses, imagine what the government can do? They can probably use infrared to look into this classroom, see our thoughts and dreams in our heads. Everyone, close your eyes and think the most American thing you can think of.
*silence*
Teacher: Okay, I think we're good. If you didn't just do that, we're gonna get a drone attack here in five minutes.
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Teacher: The big thing that we had going for us in the 1950s was massive amounts of fear!
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Teacher: Imagine your family - how much you love your siblings - now imagine having to live in a small room with them for months. Eventually someone's gonna get killed. Not by radiation, but by fists of fury.
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Teacher: I watch a lot of House Hunters - you know, because I'm cool. *proceeds to go on a House Hunters rant for three minutes*
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Teacher: There were suicidal monkeys all over America in the 1950s!
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Boy in video: *drops his baseball bat to run to a bomb shelter*
Teacher: He just made a mistake. What's his mistake?
Boy: He left the baseball bat.
Teacher: He left the baseball bat! Because things - *grabs baseball bat from under desk* might get crazy in the bomb shelter.
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Teacher: Okay, girls. If you don't know what to do, find a creepy guy in a trenchcoat smoking a pipe. Then follow him into a dark room with his arm around you.
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Teacher: People dressed nice in the 50s, you guys are scrubs!
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Teacher: That's where babies come from, did you know that? From hula hooping.