So somehow, in the few short weeks I was gone, Having Harry's Baby basically doubled in reads and ended up in some of your guy's reading lists, for which I am so thankful. I've had a tough few days but I'm back now. Thank you for staying!
~ HayleyCT
March 26, 2015
Finally, I was allowed to go home. I was out of danger and so was the baby. The sonograms had looked well. Of course, I wasn't far along enough yet to know the baby's gender, but knowing that he or she was alright was enough for me.
I was told to stay at home for at least the next few days and to get a lot of rest, which I of course planned to do already. My limbs still hurt and I still felt somewhat weak.
Zayn had been kind enough to have taken care of me to the best of his ability. He was the one to take me home.
The first thing I did once I was back was take a nice, long shower. I still needed the seat, but no assistance, which I was incredible relieved about.
As soon as I was out of the shower and dressed, I saw that I'd received a message from Harry asking me to call him back. I had two missed calls.
As the phone rang, I brushed through my tangled hair.
"Hello, beautiful. How are you," he said, his voice sounding happy.
His happiness suddenly made me feel giddy myself. "I'm alright. How have you been?"
"I'm great. Actually, I'm better than great," he paused.
I had no patience whatsoever. I needed to know what had him in such a great mood. "What's going on? Something good?"
He laughed. "Yes. I've got news for you."
"Alright. Go ahead. Don't keep me waiting," I urged, placing my hairbrush on the side of my bed and sitting down slowly.
"Well," he said, "what would you say if I told you I'll be coming home soon?" He asked.
Suddenly I was frozen in place. Home? Soon?
"What do you mean? When is soon? For how long? I... I'm confused."
His laugh rung in my ear again, a sweet song. "Well, we'll be on break. I'll arrive April fifth and can stay until June fourth. That's when the tour starts back up."
I was frozen in place. Harry would be coming home and would have an entire two months off from tour. That was incredible news. And also frightening. I hardly knew Harry, but I was aware of the mutual attraction between us. Since he'd been gone, I'd felt it even more - the need for him. The want to get to know him better. To have him.
Two months.
"Hazel?"
I shook myself out of my train of thought. "Wow. That's great," I replied, sounding a little more unethusiactic than I'd hoped.
There was a brief moment where neither of us said a word. It was only about two seconds long, but it felt so much longer.
Harry broke the silence. "Is everything alright?"
"Yeah!" I tried making up for my lack of enthusiasm. "Of course. I'm excited to see you."
I could almost see him smile - sensing my bullsh*t. "Well, I'm excited to see you. I'm ready for a break. It'll be just a few days now."
The next few days were chaos for me. Really, it was all in my head. Riley and Zayn were calm and relaxed - just happy to be together. Laura didn't come by as often anymore, seeing as Zayn was home and could help taking care of Nathan and Sebastian.
Everybody at home was happy - excited even - except for me.
It made no sense to me why I wasn't so excited at the thought of having Harry home. The entire time that he was gone, I daydreamed about being with him. I wondered what it would be like to actually have him just for me. I wished he were home so that we could finally figure things out.
But now... the actual knowledge that he would be home sooner rather than later had me more nervous than I knew how to put into words.
I spent most of my time cleaning. I cleaned everything. The kitchen and bathrooms. The living room and each and every one of the rooms in the house. At some point, Zayn had decided to join me - probably trying to ease the load. And I was grateful for the intent. But I didn't want to finish cleaning, because that meant that I'd have to find something else to keep my mind off of Harry's arrival.
I made sure that Harry's room in particular was spotless. And I cleaned the guest room as well. Now that I knew it was there, I'd move into it to give Harry his personal space back.
The day before the boys were scheduled to come home, I felt like I was losing my mind. I wasn't ready. I couldn't see him. I didn't want to, because that meant that my feelings for him were real.
And they couldn't be.
I wasn't the dating type. I was the type to have one night stands. And that was it. And, though, I knew I didn't love Harry, I couldn't deny the fact that I was sure that I could.
I knew that my nervousness was nearly tangible. It was obvious for Riley and Zayn that I was losing it. But they'd keep it out of conversation.
Until a few hours before their plane landed.
I sat at the edge of the kitchen counter seat, waiting. Willing time to still.
Zayn walked in quietly. My eyes found his thoughtful ones quickly. And I saw him smile. I tried to smile back but I simply couldn't.
He cleared his throat. "Their plane should land in the next two hours," he said.
"Great."
"Is everything alright? I mean... these last few days, I've tried to give you your space. So has Riley. We thought you'd need time to think..."
My eyes met the marble on the counter. "Yeah. I'm fine."
Again my eyes met his. He nodded once. "Harry really likes you, you know?"
I felt my heart stop. Admittedly, I thought I always knew that Harry felt something. But hearing Zayn say it out loud made it more real than I was ready for. I didn't answer. I didn't know where to find the words to say. What could I say? There was nothing to say.
Harry knows exactly what he wants. I don't. I never have. I've always hidden in my own shell, trying to keep myself from getting hurt again. Th moment I sensed any kind of emotion, I ran. Every time.
"I think," he continued, taking a seat next to me, "that you might actually feel something, too."
I took a deep breath, my fingers playing with a loose string at the end of my shirt. "I don't date," I replied.
"You haven't dated in a long time. But you want to?"
My pulled together instinctively. Did I? "I don't... know. I don't want to. No," I looked up at him, feeling tears threatening to fall from my eyes. I hated pregnancy hormones. They made me soft. "I can't," I heard myself say, almost pleading with him.
Zayn's hand reached out for mine at the hem of my shirt. My finger was wrapped tightly in the loose string. I flinched when he touched me, almost instinctively. But he didn't pull away. He unraveled the string and broke it off quickly. "I don't know what they did to you. Or who. Or why. But I know Harry. He wouldn't hurt you."
My eyes dropped. I didn't want to look at him. I knew what he was saying was true, but I was more afraid now than ever.
Zayn, seeing as he wasn't going to get any more words out of me, left the room as quietly as he'd entered it. And I was alone again. Thinking.
The following couple of hours were excruciatingly slow. Every second passed by as if it were an entire hour on its own. When I finally heard the slam of car doors, I knew that my time was up. It was past eight o'clock already. They hadn't wanted us to go see them at the airport. So they arrived home with their security team.
I didn't stand near the door because I feared that I would look too eager if I did. So I stayed back in Harry's room. He'd know where to find me if he wanted to. I fixed my hair in the bathroom mirror and checked my makeup to make sure it still looked as good as I'd remembered it did when I had applied it.
I heard the front door creak open. I adjusted my top. And then voices. Many voices. I wiped a little excess lipstick off my lips.
For some reason, I'd applied red lipstick on my lips. I didn't know whether I had done that because it matched my outfit or because the time I'd read up on Harry, I'd learned that he was a sucker for red lips.
I wondered whether that fact was true or not, and then walked back into his room. Still nothing. I looked for something to keep me busy. So I started to fix the bedsheets. I had washed them for him and had set some in the guest room for me. This was, after all, Harry's room.
I fixed the bed slowly, hoping he'd hurry and enter the room before I finished, because I had nothing else to keep me distracted. While I was placing the first pillow in its case, a faint knock caught my attention.
I turned slightly to look over to the doorframe. Harry stood, luggage in hand, watching me. His lips curved upward once our eyes connected. And so did mine.
"You're home," I said, rather stupidly.
"So are you. I was starting to wonder," he said, his voice finally sounding real. I'd spoken to him over the phone plenty of times, but he never sounded just like him like he did right then and there.
I felt myself relax some, and suppressed a smile. "If I'd gone off with another?"
He blinked before he let go of his suitcases and stalked over to me, wrapping me in his long arms. I felt caught off guard, pillow still in my left hand. I dropped it after a few seconds to return the gesture.
I didn't know what I was even feeling.
I felt nervous and confused. I still wasn't used to bodily contact that wasn't sexual contact. But he was warm and gentle and I seemed to melt into him slowly. Instinctively, my nails dug into his shirt. He didn't let go, and I didn't want him to either. Because somehow he felt like home. Somehow, he felt like he was mine. And I pressed my cheek to his chest.
I didn't count how many minutes we just held each other like that. Time didn't matter to me. And it didn't seem to matter to him, either. After a while, he leaned back slightly to see me, his arms still wrapped around me. I tilted my head up to see him as well.
"I've never seen you with red lipstick before," he noted, his lips curved upward.
I felt my cheeks flush red. I didn't reply. I had no idea what to say.
"It's like you knew," he continued, his right hand reaching up to tuck my hair behind my ear.
I shivered against his warm touch. And I knew what he was going to do.
A part of me wanted to stop him. To tell him it was too fast. To say that I needed time. That I wasn't ready.
But the other part of me, the one that still believed that we could still make this work - the part of me that was entirely irrational when it came to Harry, wanted him to do it already. To stop stalling. To hurry the pace.
And I realized that I was torn down the middle, between the person I thought that I was and the person I wanted to be because of him. It made no sense to me. I couldn't fathom why. But I wanted him to kiss me - to touch me.
His eyes and mine connected briefly before I closed mine and gave in. I wouldn't fight him if he wanted to kiss me. Not this time.
And finally his soft lips were on mine. And his and my lips seemed to mold into each other perfectly. As if they were meant to be together. I heard myself gasp when both his hands were holding my face to his. And his body pressed itself to mine. And my body didn't retreat - my arms were pulling him into me harder.
And then the warmth was heat. And finally we both stopped. My eyes were still closed and I was sure that his were, too. And he stayed there a moment, foreheads pressed together, our chests rising and falling in a quick rhythm.
"I could do that forever," he said, finally dropping his hands to my waist.
I felt a heat rise in my body, feeling his fingers dig into my skin. "Welcome home."
I opened my eyes and they met his. "That was the best welcome I'd ever received."
We both laughed.
"Are my lips red?" He asked.
"No."
"You've either got the good kind, or we haven't kissed well enough."
I was breathless still. He pressed his lips against mine again. And again. And again. Quickly and lovingly and I didn't care. I only let him.
After a little while, we broke apart so that I could say hello to the rest of the boys. They were all sitting and standing in the kitchen, either eating or talking. In Niall's case, both.
I still didn't feel so familiar with all of them, even though I had done my research so that, when the moment came to meet the rest of them, it wasn't all too awkward. They were all incredibly kind. They were no strangers to odd situations when it came to one of them and surprise fatherhood.
I spent a little while with all of them together. After they'd had their fill, they all slowly retreated into their rooms. Liam went first. Then Louis and his wife, Hannah. Then went Niall, followed by Riley and Zayn. And that left Harry and I last.
"I made the bed for you," I told him, not knowing what else to say for him to understand why I would be going to the guest room now. "I've got my things in the guest room."
His eyebrows shot together and his eyes were curious. Pushed himself off of the counter he'd been sitting on and came to me, wrapping his left arm around my waist.
Again I was gelatin in his grip, looking into his beautiful green eyes.
His lips met mine for a fraction of a second before he pulled away and looked at me intently. And then his right thumb touched my cheek and his lips were on mine again, hungrily.
I let him kiss me and I kissed him back. Hard. And I was holding onto him, my grip strong. His hips knocked into mine and he held me firmly so that I wouldn't lose my balance. And slowly, my legs started to move backward and his forward, out of the kitchen and down the hall. He knocked the lights as we moved and he led me into his bedroom.
I felt weak in his arms. I knew that I should stop him. I knew that it would be smarter to put an end to it - to go to the guest room. To change into my pajamas and go to sleep.
But I didn't want to. The heat between us was undeniable. The desire couldn't be tamed.
Harry closed the door behind us and locked it. And then I let him do to me whatever he wanted.
And for the first night in a while, I didn't sleep alone.