"Can I take Riona out tomorrow?" A smile instantly formed on my lips as I heard him. We just tucked Riona in her bed and I can't describe how happy I am to see her like that.
Ang sabi pa ni Rio ay ayaw niyang matulog dahil pakiramdam niya nananaginip lang siya. I almost cry out of happiness when I heard her. I know she have been longing to meet her father, kaya naman ganon nalang siya kasaya ngayon.
"Of course Klaus, she's your daughter too." I told him as I handed him a coffee. Ilang sandali pa siyang natahimik. "May problema ba?"
"I was thinking," He started as he stare at his mug in his hands. May kakaiba talaga sa kanya, it's not his hobby to stare blankly—not when his with me. He took a deep breath before he talked again. "Do you want to marry me?" I stared at him dumbfounded of what I heard.
Did I really hear it right? Did he just asked me for marriage?
"W-what?" Tinignan niya ako sa mga mata.
"Let's get married, Kaye." Ngayon ay nakatingin na siya sa mga mata ko na para bang yun na ang goal niya sa buhay. "I don't have a ring right now, but I want to marry you."
Nang hindi parin ako nagsalita ibinaba na niya ang mug at hinawakan ang kamay ko. I can see how hopeful his face is. I don't want to ruin that. I don't want to disappoint him. I want to hug him and tell him that yes, I want to marry him.
But...
"Why?" His brows furrowed, confused by my question. "Bakit gusto mo akong pakasalan?"
Halos kumawala ang puso ko mula sa dibdib ko sa sobrang bilis ng tibok nito habang hinihintay ang sagot ni Klaus.
"What do you mean? We already have a daughter. It's just right that we get married."
May karapatan bang masaktan ang kagaya ko?
Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ko kayang pigilin ang mga luha na nagbabadyang tumulo ano mang oras kaya kailangan ko nang sabihin sa kanya agad ang sagot ko bago pa man niya ako makitang nasasaktan. Dahil ang tanong sa sagot ko... wala.
Walang karapatang masaktan ang taong unang nanakit.
"No." Nakita ko kung paano nawala ang liwanag sa mga mata niya at parang bigla ay gusto ko nang bawiin ang sinabi ko.
Alam kong hindi pa ako napapatawad ng buo ni Klaus, ni hindi nga siya makatingin sa akin ng deretso. I need to give him more time to forgive me.
And marriage.
It's a lifetime commitment. Hindi iyon isang bagay na basta nalang kapag naisip mo, gagawin mo. It takes too much process. Too much time. Yes, I love him but I will never use my daughter to pressure him into marrying me.
He let go of my hand and stood up. I started to panic, when he started walking out the door.
"Klaus, wait. Hindi sa ayaw ko, ano lang kasi..." He stopped walking and faced me.
"Then what, Kaye?!" His voice started to rise but he immediately glanced at my room where Riona is already sleeping. Naglakad siya palapit sa akin at mas nakita ko ang bakas ng galit sa mukha niya.
"Let me understand, kasi nahihirapan na akong intindihin ka." He said through gritted teeth while pointing at me. "Paubos na ako Kaylareen. I'm starting to lose my shit here."
Hindi ako nagsalita at nanatiling nakayuko. This is it. Siguro nga naubos ko na ang pasensya niya pero ginagawa ko lang naman ito para sa kanya.
"Are you still just toying around? We're not kids anymore Kaye! We have a daughter for fuck's sake!" Tears started streaming from me eyes and I can't stop them. "Every time... every time that I'm starting to think that maybe... maybe you... you—" He stopped. He angrily wiped his face with his hands before he let out an exasperated sigh. "Shouldn't I be the one who's crying?"
Gusto kong magsalita. Gusto kong sabihin kung gaano ko siya ka-mahal pero walang ibang lumalabas na boses mula sa bibig ko kundi ang mga hikbi.
I want to marry him. God knows how much I love the idea of him with me and our daughter being a family. A complete and a blessed one. It's just that... he's marrying me for the wrong reason.
Ayaw kong pakasalan niya ako nang dahil may anak kami. I want him to marry me because he loves me, not because we need to give our child a complete family.
Marriage that are built for that reason end up breaking each other and I don't want to put Riona through a situation where she spent her childhood crying and depressed because her parents are having an annulment.
I want him to marry me without any baggage.
The baggage of his own anger towards me who kept his daughter from him for years dahil baka sa huli—ayoko mang isipin—pero baka sa huli... pagsisihan niya na ako ang pinakasalan niya at kapag nangyari iyon baka hindi ko kayanin.
"I'm tired. Just... do whatever you want." Was the last thing he said before he went out of the room and closed the door.
The next day he took Riona out. Naiwan akong mag isa sa unit kahit wala naman akong trabaho. I couldn't volunteer to go with them dahil sino ba naman ako para agawan pa ng oras na makilala nila ang isa't isa? I put them into too much pain already and it's just not right to steal Klaus' moment with our daughter.
Dalawang buwan na ang lumipas pero wala pa kaming matinong pag-uusap ni Klaus kundi tungkol lang kay Riona. He would ask me something about her and I would answer it directly—mostly through text, at kapag tumatawag naman siya sinasabi niya lang kapag nasa baba na siya at hinatid si Riona sa akin.
From: Babe
I'll pick Riona tomorrow at 9am
I read as Riona and I rode the elevator to get to my unit. Should I change his name on my phone? I started to click on the contacts and edit his name but ended up not doing it. Pakiramdam ko kapag ginawa ko iyon, tuluyan ko nang tinanggap na nawala na sa akin si Klaus. I refused to believe it. I sighed. I scrolled through our last conversation and all of it was civil, na parang hindi niya ako minahal.
Na parang hindi niya na ako mahal.
Ni hindi ko siya matignan sa mata kaya tuwing sinusundo niya si Riona, palagi lang akong nakayuko at nakatingin sa anak namin dahil sa bawat tingin ko sa kanya, parang may tumutusok sa puso ko.
I can't accept the way Klaus looks at me now. Those loving eyes that used to stare at me for years has gone and turned into something cold.
Sa bawat tingin na ibinibigay niya sa akin, hindi ko matanggap na si Klaus siya. Na siya ang taong minahal ako ng ilang taon at mahal na mahal ko ngayon, but what can I do? I forced him to be like that. It's entirely my fault.
"Next week's your birthday mommy ko!" Riona said excitedly as we enter the room. "Let's celebrate with daddy!"
"I don't know anak, your daddy might be busy on that day." I don't want to give her false hopes. She shook her head as I crouched down to help her remove her clothes.
"No mommy, daddy can cancel his meeting. He did it for me once." She raised one finger while grinning to show me. Napangiti ako.
I know how Klaus can be to someone he loves. He always keep them on top of his priority lists.
Pero hindi ikaw.
He may have loved me but he never kept me on his priority list. Hindi noon at lalong hindi ngayon.
I gave my daughter a smile when she cocked her head at one side while looking at me. She cupped my face.
"Why are you sad mommy?" Nanlambot ang puso ko nang makita ang mukha ng anak ko. She looks like Klaus.
I suddenly hugged her and sobbed silently. Riona didn't say anything and just let me hug her. I miss him.
I miss Klaus.