TW: Suicide
Michael's POV
We're back in my basement, playing Apocalypse of the Damned 2. I smile, because it really is a two-player game. I look over at Jeremy, briefly, and gaze at the bean bag he's nestled in. It was my brother's old bean bag. It's one of the few things of his that we kept.
My brother and I used to play like Jer and me- for hours on end, just the two of us. He would talk about girls, and I would listen eagerly and wonder when the right girl would come along for me.
Obviously, the right girl never came. There was no right girl. In fact, there were no girls at all.
I had planned to come out to him for weeks. I knew exactly what I would say. We would be playing video games, and talking about everything from school to our parents, from his drawings to my singing. And when he would start to talk about his new girlfriend, and then ask me what I thought, I would casually mention I wasn't really into girls.
And he would laugh, and ask me what I meant, and I'd tell him that I liked boys. And we would sit in silence, and he'd be deep in thought for a minute. But soon, he would look up at me, tell me he's glad I told him, and then ask me if I had any crushes.
The night I planned to tell him, I ran into his room to ask him if we could play on the XBOX. I had found him in his bed, with his eyes closed. I put my hands on his shoulders to shake him awake, but he remained unresponsive. I yelled his name, and shook him again, but his eyes stayed closed.
I hurried to the bathroom that connected to his room and got a cup of water to pour on his face. I knew he would be mad when he woke up, but I was already anxious about coming out, and I didn't want anything to go wrong. And for my plan to work, he kind of needed to be awake.
But as I ran the water, I saw his bedside table in the mirror.
An open bottle of sleeping pills, and a note.
My heart rate sky rocketed, and I had trouble walking back into his room. My knees were too weak. I had seen this before. In movies, in some of the ones we'd watched together.
But they were just movies. They weren't real. Things like this didn't happen. Not to my brother.
I ran over, picking up the bottle and looking inside. Empty. I grabbed the note, and read it over the water that was rapidly flooding my eyes.
"Michael,
I am so sorry. I love you very, very much. Take care of Mama and Nanay for me."
There was also a drawing of us, in the basement playing video games and laughing. Our faces were lit up, and it wasn't just from the soft glow of the tv. The paper was bursting with color. He must've worked hours on this drawing.
I read the note over, and over, and over, to convince myself that it was all just a dream.
I tried to scream for my parents, but all I could do was choke out was a sob.
I knew it was my fault. I could've asked him how he was doing, instead of having him worry about me. How long had he been thinking of doing this? Why didn't he tell me? Why didn't he trust me? Why didn't I notice something was wrong?
I reached for his hand. It was cold, and lifeless, but I held it tight anyway. I knelt down on his carpet and just cried, until I couldn't cry anymore.
Eventually my moms heard and they went upstairs. The paramedics were called, but it was already too late. People came in and out of the room, in and out, but I refused to let go of his hand. I would've fallen asleep, there on the floor, if my Nanay hadn't pulled me away, whispering calm things into my ear, while suppressing tears herself. She carried me into her room like I was a toddler, stroking my hair, and singing to me.
Don't cry,
Na dito na ako.
It's ok
Anak ko.
I'll keep you close,
walang nasaktan sa iyo.
You're safe with me.
Oooooh.
I joined her on the last notes, and snuggled closer against her. She laid me down in her bed, and my Mama joined us. My Mama sung with her, their voices harmonizing automatically as if they were born to be together.
I'll keep you close,
Walang nasaktan sa iyo.
You're safe with me.
Mahal kita.
I lost a part of me that day. My brother was my best friend, one who wouldn't judge, or tell me how to feel. Who'd let my cry on his shoulder, who'd listen to my awful singing gladly, who'd be there for me, no matter what.
I see so much of him in Jeremy.
Jeremy's POV
Michael's character on the screen hasn't moved in a while, and when I glance over at him, he's completely frozen.
"Michael?"
I see a tear roll down his cheek.
I quickly pause the game and stand up to sit on his bean bag chair. I sit down and put my arm around him, and without looking he nestles up against me.
Walang nasaktan sa iyo.
You're safe with me.
He sings softly, almost inaudibly, but the song is somehow familiar to me, and I close my eyes and hold him closer. I don't know what he's going through, or even how to help him, but I have to try.
"Shhhhh..." I whisper, wiping a tear from his cheek. Seeing him cry made me want to cry, but I had to be strong for him.
His body went rigid as he seemed to break out of whatever was holding him.
He began to cry harder.
"It's okay, Michael. I'm not going anywhere. No matter what. No one can hurt you. Shhhh...."
He quiets a little, and I move him closer to me, beginning to sing.
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you,
So please don't take my sunshine away.
Michael slowly stops crying, but we don't let go of each other. I know better than to ask what's wrong, to provoke him again. So it's surprising when he speaks up first.
"I s-saw the n-night my brother d-died."
He's ceased crying, but his voice is still unsteady.
"It w-was so v-vivid. I-I..."
He stops talking.
"It's okay, Micha. If it's too hard to talk, it's okay. You don't need to if you can't."
I feel him nod against my chest. I readjust so he's more comfortable. His back is fully against my chest, and he's slightly sideways, so his head is on the left of mine.
I take my hands and gingerly play with his hair, and I feel his breathing slow a bit, so I think I'm doing something right. I wipe another tear from his cheek.
His eyelids flutter closed as I do this, and they stay gently shut as I take his hand and enclose his in mine.
"Goodnight, Micha," I whisper, closing my eyes.
A/N:
I actually cried writing this...XD
Thank you to Ange, one of my BFF's who helped me write Nanay's Lullaby (specifically the part in Tagalog). Mahal kita. (No homo :p)
It seems every chapter has crying and then cuddling in it...Is this good or bad or somewhere in between? I swear I don't mean to. I guess I'm just a sucker for some angst-turned-fluff :D
Word Count: 1314
Another note:
This chapter in no way has the intention of glorifying suicide. If you or someone you know needs help, please don't hesitate to reach out.
United States: 1-800-273-8255
International listings:
http://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html
Love you all, stay safe. ❤️