Another few days has passed and still haven't seen Lisa since the incident. So far all I've been doing was going to the garden and just sit there looking at the multicolored flowers as they were showered in sprinkling water. I would sit there for a couple of hours writing down my thoughts and prayers for for. I would even write letters to her, but never once did think about sending them to her. I didn't know why I haven't but just to her did make me feel like I was having a conversation with her. The dance workshop was alright but I've been feeling like I had lost something. The dance workshop has helped a bit of help but without her I just didn't feel right at all. Of course being with Jennie was always fun and did ease the my worries a bit but there was something missing.
Just when I thought I was getting better sleeping in the room by myself I was now beginning to feel alone.The silence of the room was becoming unbearable and at times I thought I was hearing voices telling me to "Escape this place" or "You're never going to get better" or "You'll never find love". Perhaps it's just me and my own irrational thinking or perhaps it was just the medicine affecting me. Crying to sleep was like a natural tranquilizer but the dreams I've been having were a mix of flashbacks and for some reason about Namjoon. Sleep was pretty much the only thing that helped me escape the loneliness I was feeling but my dreams were spiraling like crazy. I would sometimes wake up in the pool of my own sweat in the middle of the night from memories I had when I was a child. None of these dreams were making any sense to me and I couldn't puzzle them together.
It was early afternoon and we just finished wrapping up our dance workshop. Everyone in the room were still getting themselves together but I on the other hand was ready to leave. I was exhausted and just wanted to leave to the garden and have a moment to myself. Throwing on my hoodie I head to the door. With my hands barley reaching for the door the dance instructor had called out my name stopping me in my tracks.
"Y/N? Can I talk to you for a second?"
Stuffing my hands in the pockets of my hoodie I took a couple of strides and stop a few inches in front of her. "Yeah. What is it?" My voice strained a little.
Tilting her head to the side to get a better look at me she calmly places a hand on my shoulder "I've noticed you've been looking a little down for a couple of days. You seemed out of it today. Is there something wrong?"
I really didn't want to talk about how I've been feeling. My emotions were all mixed up and I didn't really know how to talk to her without feeling like she needed to pity me. "It's nothing. Really" I reassured her but her expressions tells that she wasn't any of it
"There is definitely something wrong, Y/N. Usually you're free spirited when you dance. This time you've been slacking off and have been in a hurry to get out lately. If you need to talk to me about anything I'm always here."
I let out a deep sigh, giving in to telling her what really has been on my mind. "Fine. Truth is I miss Lisa. I haven't been myself ever since the incident. I feel like I'm the one who caused her to be put into isolation. I don't know why I feel this way" Biting my lip to keep from crying.
"Come on. Lets go and sit at the garden and talk about this for a moment" Taking my arm she leads me to the door. I adjusted my hoodie even more to hide my sadden face from the rest of the patients and staff the were hanging out in the lobby. My eyes could barley see anything because my hoodie hide half of my eyes but I just simply followed CL to avoid any further eye contact.
Once we were in front of the garden door, she opens it and I follow her to an open seat. We sat down in front of the medium sized fountain. As always it was quiet and the only sounds that were made were the sounds of water being poured in to the fountain and small petals and leaves falling lightly to the ground. A few had fallen on me and I had caught one in my hands. It felt soft against my finger tips. I lightly toss it to the ground, watching it fall gracefully to the garden pavement.
Turning her direction to me, she crosses her legs and places her hands on her lap, folding them. "So you miss Lisa, right?"
With my head down I nod a simple yes.
"I miss her too. She always brings joy and laughter when ever we have our workshops" Smiling to herself.
"She was the first person to approach me without even judging me. She pretty much was the first friend I've ever made since I've been admitted here"
"Hmm. I've been a dance instructor for this facility for almost three years and so far she's been the only person to bring such a positive and energetic vibe. I remember her first day here. The first thing she did was walk up to me and with that big smile of hers, said "Hi I'm Lisa! Omg I love your hair!" Next thing you know she gives me a big welcoming hug. She nearly crushed me I swear I almost couldn't breathe." Letting out a chuckle.
I let out a chuckle as well, wiping away a single tear that fell upon my cheek. "Funny, same thing happened to me when I met her. Soon as I came into the room she just said "Hi, you must be Y/N! I'm Lisa! I'm your roommate!" and grabs my arm and pulls me into tight bear hug. I'm surprised I lived."
"She is an absolute joy. Always there to cheer everyone up. Always willing to lend a helping hand."
"It surprised me when I saw her have her episode. it was like seeing a whole different person and I was terrified. Not just terrified because of how different and scary she was but because I was scared of it happening to me."
Cl adjusts herself again, leaning to her side and resting her elbow on the back of the bench "Here's something I want to tell you about Lisa. She's been through a lot that you don't know about. Lisa has been in this facility for two years now. I've seen her being put into solitary confinement many times because of her episodes. It's not just her but almost everyone has. They're always scary. No one ever likes them."
My legs start to bounce up and down. I was growing a bit nervous at the possible thought of having an episode and being put into isolation. My mind came up with all kinds of scenarios. Ways to stop or prevent them so that I didn't end up like the patients here. I didn't want it to ever happen to me.
"You want to know a secret, Y/N?" She says calmly, resting her chin underneath her palm
"A secret?" My voice strained a little.
"I want you to take off your hoodie and look at me"
I slowly slide the hoodie of my head revealing my tear stained face before her.
"I was also just like you and the rest of the patients here. In fact I was a patient here almost five years ago."
I was in disbelief. My mouth agape. I was speechless and couldn't form an appropriate response.
"Shocked, right? I was around 19 years old when I was admitted her. I was diagnosed with severe depression and Anorexia. I've danced for years and just couldn't handle the stress of being controlled of what I should and shouldn't eat. My managers were always on my ass about losing weight or gaining weight. I starved myself for months and couldn't sleep for nights. It wasn't until one night I had come home from practice. I went to the bathroom and took out a huge bottle of pills. Any pills didn't matter to me at that time I just went for it. I put a handful into my palms and jugged it down. I cried in front of the mirror, begging to be put out of my misery as quickly as possible. Then I blacked out. I woke up in the hospital about three days later, confused as to how I was alive...or why was I alive." Shaking her head in disbelief.
"Turns out that one of my dance mates had found me lying on the floor unconscious and took me here. I had to stay because my manager told me so and because he couldn't stand to see me at all. My first week here I tried to commit suicide. One my second week I nearly passed out from not eating for three days and had to be fed through a tube for another week. It wasn't until I made my first friend here. He was a year older than me and was a veteran in the army. He was suffering from severe depression, PTSD and an eating disorder too. We've seen each other go through episodes and get tackled down by guards and cuffed behind our backs. When we didn't see each other for a while we would visit each other and hand each other letters that we've written to each other"
"Wait. You got to visit one another?" With a surprised tone
"Yes we did"
"I thought about visiting he but I'm worried that when I look at her she'll act differently towards me or I won't feel like I know her at all"
"I had that same feeling too. For everyone it's different. Our friendship grew strong because we knew each other well and understood each other's mental illness. After a couple of months of rehabilitation we went our separate ways. I started getting back to dancing and quit working at the dance company I was in. I wanted to give back by becoming a dance instructor here. My friend and I are still very good friends and we do see each other a lot." She takes both of my hands and holds them firmly, looking deep into my eyes.
"Don't feel like your world is coming to an end just because you're scared of long a friend or feel like you're gonna lose control of yourself because of your mental illness. You still have a long life to live. You still have time to heal and cop and learning to love yourself. But first you have to struggle a lot to move on"
I wasn't expecting for her to tell me about any of this. It made me think of how she overcame such a difficult obstacle to become the woman she is now. How is she still so strong and serene after all that she has been through? How was she able to love herself in the end?
"Hmm that's funny on our workshop a few days ago, Dr Namjoon wanted to focus on loving ourselves. How could I ever love myself when I barley even know what is going on with me? How will I ever love myself? When will I ever have someone to fall in love with me?"
CL lets go of my hand and places a finger on her chin to think. "You have some feelings about him don't you? I've noticed" Giving me a small smirk
"Everyone has been saying that. Lisa likes to tease me about it. I can never get her to shut the hell up!" Chuckling to myself. "People have been saying that I'm starting to dress and act differently but I still can't see it. Maybe I do have feelings. I'm still trying to figure out this boy who's been popping up in my memories and wondering if we ever became more than just friends. If we did, where did he go? If we didn't should I have feelings for Dr Namjoon? It's hard because I've been hearing that he was married but it feels...kind of wrong to have feelings for him. I really don't know"
"I know you have feelings for him but just like you, me and the rest of us, he has secrets too. There's nothing wrong with having feelings for him. It's part of being human. If he does feel the same way then it could grow into something deeper. Maybe it's fate. Or maybe somewhere out there the boy, who is now an adult, is looking for you and wants to be reunited with you. You never know"
"Perhaps you're right. My life feels like shit right now and day by day I'm either feeling happy or feeling depressed or confused. My pharmacist said it's normal for medicine to do that. But I absolutely hate the damn feeling." I started stretching my arms out, releasing all of the tension that had built up in me. It felt good to be able to let out pretty much almost all I needed to say.
CL stands in her own two feet, stretching herself out, hands and finger reaching for the sky. She dusts herself off before turning her attention back to me "This garden still looks well kept. Just like those flowers, you'll bloom into a beautiful and confident woman. Never lose hope. I'll see you next time, Y/N" She gives me a gentle smile and strides towards the door and exits.
I was sitting alone in the garden once again for the 100th. I stared at a small pile of dirt and inside that dirt was a small flower that just started to grow. It looked like it just been planted not too long ago. I got up from my seat to have a better look at the delicate flower. It's green limbs were small but was in the early stages of blooming.
This is only the beginning. I haven't fully bloomed...not yet.