Chapter 33
My eyes flutter open to my seat beginning to shake. Looking around, my body lurches forward at the force of the plane trying to stop. Once the plane is slowed down, it turns on to a different part of the runway. Opening the window my eyes meet a fairly dark sky of Italy. Sighing there's some beeping coming from the speakers above us, but the plane continues to move.
"Congratulations everyone, we have arrived in Rome, Italy. I hope you enjoy your stay, or if this is your home, welcome. The weather is right now eleven degrees Celsius, hope you all had a good flight, thank you for flying with us," once the flight attendant stops talking shuffling starts to happen with everyone beginning to gather their bags. "Oh and please everyone stay seated with your seat belts on, in case of any sudden turns or jolts of movements, thank you,"
Laying my head on the side of the window, trying to hold back a sigh it escapes my lips before I realize it. The man beside me looks over before he begins to speak. "Not excited to be here?" His grey hair is slicked back, and his face doesn't have too many wrinkles. His accent is also very Italian.
"Not exactly," my eyes close for a moment before reopening. "My mothers in the hospital dying," his eyes widen at my words.
"I'm very sorry to hear that," his voice is quiet just like everyone else who I've told.
"Thank you," I mumble. After that he doesn't talk, I don't blame him though. Everyone begins to get up once the seat belt sign shuts off. I just stay sitting, as people begin to file out of the plane I get up with my laptop bag and purse in hand I exit the hot plane into the air-conditioned hangar. Following the signs to go pick up my luggage, as the carousel continues to go in circles I spot my bag going over to pick it up, I get in line to go through customs. Luckily there was not a big lineup and I got through quickly without getting stopped to get my luggage checked. Walking out the doors into the open area filled with people who are waiting for their loved ones to come through the doors. Looking through the crowd my father is standing in the middle of it all searching for me also, as I walk towards him I catch his eyes and he quickly embraces me with a hug.
"Alexandra," he sighs as I hug him back.
"I'm sorry it took so long to get here," he shakes his head.
"You can't help how fast you get here," we begin to walk towards a set of doors. We cross the street going to where a bunch of cars are parked along the road. The similarities between them all are that they are all of the expensive brands or there is a driver waiting in it. When we approach a long limo it doesn't surprise me when a driver gets out and takes my suitcase away from me putting it in the trunk of the long expensive car, then quickly opening the door for my father and I.
"Of course you couldn't drive yourself here," I shake my head as I get comfortable placing my laptop bag and purse beside me.
"I'm a mess right now, and I don't drive myself around unless it's late at night and I need to go out," he sighs settling in his own seat across from me. The car is moving and as I look out the window its dark out with many moving cars around us, which are all driving fairly crazy.
"How is she doing?" I ask rather abruptly. I need to know, I'm here I'm going to find out anyway.
"Not good," his hands run over his face multiple times before resting on his lap. He takes a deep breath and looks out the window. "They told me maybe a week, but now the way things are happening they told me a couple days," tears freshly flow into my eyes. Sick feeling sets into my stomach, a feeling that won't move at all. "She asks the nurses every chance she gets to see if you're here, and every time they say no, she gets sad and says I just want to see my baby,"
Sobs leave involuntarily, "where are we going now?"
"Home, but we can go to the hospital whenever you want," the way he said home makes my heart nearly stop. I remember asking him where we were going when I was young and he said home, but when we got home I wanted to be out in public so I didn't have to cry like I did. The way he hurt me was ridiculous, I never want anyone else to experience that.
After a rather long drive, we finally come to a stop in front of big gates, the drive must have entered a code because the gates begin to open and allow us to drive slowly down the driveway to the massive house my father didn't flinch to buy. The brick covers most of the house, with all the windows painted a light brown. As the car comes to a stop, and dad doesn't move then I realize that he is waiting for the driver to open the door. Rolling my eyes as the door swings open, my dad waves for me to go first. Getting out the limo, I fix my laptop and purse that is now on my shoulders. Dad leads the way to the front door, he unlocks the large wooden door. Walking inside I remember it from when mom and I were face timing. Although the colors seem to be slightly darker. He leads me up a long staircase that looks just like the one from our old house, my childhood house.
He tops in front of large doors, pushing both open for me, "this is your room," I walk inside and he sets my suitcase down at the foot of the bed. The room is huge, walking over to the window I discovered that there is a large balcony with a chair and a table. The curtains hang high, to the ceiling. Turning around my father is still standing there observing me. "Your mother made this your room, she always wanted you to come stay here," my heart breaks a little more by each word. She made this my room, the two side tables that are next to either side of the bed are pictures. Walking up to the first one I pick up the frame and look at the photograph closely. The smiling girl has two missing teeth in the front wearing a soccer jersey that is far too big for her small frame. The woman behind her is holding the small girl closely to her chest and also smiling widely. It's my mother and I after I had won my first tournament, we got first place.
My mother was the best when she was sober, she was a mother people wished to have. The thing was I just wished she was like that all the time. "I'm sorry," the words fall from my mouth. Looking up and my father, I go to the otherside of the bed to go see the other picture. This frame holds a happy couple with a newborn baby in the father's arms. My father's expression is soft while looking down at my tiny baby body.
"You know, you were the best thing that happened to me," I hear the bed sink, turning to face him, his hands are covering his face. "I didn't know how to show it, Alex," it surprises me when he calls me by my preferred name. "Then I got so caught up with everything and ended up hurting you and blaming you when really you were the light in my life, and I wanted the light to go away. But if I would have realized this before we both could have had a better life, and your mother could have gotten help," facing him with the picture still in my hands, my heart seems to think that it can take the pain that is being pushed at it, but I really don't think I truly can take any more. "It's all my fault," when I hear my father's voice crack I begin to understand the pain he's going through. "I blamed it all on you when it was all me,"
When he looks up at him his face is red, and eyes are too. Though the color in our eyes are the same, his look older like they've gone through more than I could ever imagine. It's not until now that I realize that he couldn't take the stress that was being put on him, so he took it out on me, blaming me. I still feel as if it was my fault. "I'm sorry," I mumble sitting next to him, on the bed that my mother made for me, probably a couple years ago. Although knowing her, she probably changed the color of the duvet multiple times. Then it sets in that she really does love, that she really cares. They wanted me to come visit here, after the calls inviting me here I politely declined telling them that I was 'very busy.'
"You have nothing to be sorry about, I wish that I could take everything back," he looks over at my hands with my hands still holding on to the picture. "If I could go back to that moment, I would change everything." His hands reach up to his face once again. "I want to be the dad I always wanted to be, I wanted to help you learn in life, to help you grow up and watch you fall in love, yet all I did was make you scared to death of me and hurt you," his cries aren't loud but the way his voice wavers shows that he's holding it back with everything he has.
I was about to reply but the ringtone from my phone breaks the silence before I can. "I'm sorry it's Shane I was supposed to call him when I got here." Dad nods and begins to stand, I push him by his shoulder to sit back down, "we can talk together," I laugh slightly at his expression. Answering the call and quickly putting it on speaker I say a quick hello.
"Hey, how was your flight? Did you get there alright? Is your dad around? Are you going to see your mom?" His questions come fast, and I try and remember them in order.
"It was very long but I slept the whole time, not surprising. I'm in one piece so yes I got here alright, and dad is sitting next to me, oh and you're on speaker," I chuckle lightly as he whispers an 'oh good to know.' "And it's getting late here so I'm not sure if we're going tonight or tomorrow,"
"Sounds alright, how are you, John?"
"I could definitely be better," my father lightly chuckles.
"Couldn't we all," Shane replies not long after.
"What are you doing today?" I ask trying to lighten the mood. It's still early there.
"Well, so far I've hung out at home, Kane might come over in a bit,"
"Sounds fun, don't have too much fun without me,"
"Oh I couldn't," I laugh at his sarcasm, putting the picture back on the side table I sit back down. My father's hands rest in his lap, his big sigh catches my attention as he gets up.
"I'm going to make you something to eat," lightly nodding, I smile while switching Shane back from the speaker.
"Can we video chat?"
"For sure babe, I'll call you," with his words he hangs up wasting no time. Seconds later I receive a call from my lovely boyfriend.
Our conversation has been going for about twenty minutes and so far it's mainly consisted of Shane telling me how much he misses me. "Other than missing me what are you going to do with the rest of your day?"
"Well I'll probably miss you more, and Kane is coming over,"
"I'll let you go right now because I need to go see dad if he's alright, I'll call you soon, love you!"
"I love you too, smile lots babe," he smiles really close to his camera.
"Talk to you soon," I hang up, looking up at the closet that has two doors to open it, it wouldn't surprise me if it's bigger than my bedroom at home, the clock above the doors says its nearly eleven. Stepping out of the bedroom door and turning to my right the staircase is barely visible, following it down the stairs and randomly turning down two hallways I finally end up where I want to be, in the kitchen. My father is sitting on a bar stool, his elbows on the counter and head in hands. A large sigh escapes his mouth as I walk up to him.
He turns to get off the stool, but as we make eye contact he slightly jumps back. "Oh you scared me, I'm not having more people in the house," he shakes his head still standing where he was. Walking over to him I sit next to the one that he was sitting on, I think he got the message because he sat back in the chair. "Are you hungry?"
I shake my head no, "are you okay?"
At my question, his head shoots up and meets my gaze, this time he shakes his head no. "Not at all, I've never been one to show how I feel but I feel like shit," he chuckles lightly before falling back into his original position I was him in when I first walked in. His eyes are almost studying the rest of the large kitchen. "I regret everything if I wasn't such an asshole I could have made a better life for all of us. Carrie wouldn't be in the position right now," his voice cracks before he stops.
"I know that, but you have to accept reality because you can't change it, think about the future, you can't dwell on the past," I attempt to explain to him again. Honestly, my heart is hurting so much right now I want to forgive him right now, for everything he's ever done to me.
He shakes his head before looking up at me, as he forces a smile on to his face he stands from the seat. "Let's find something to eat," he begins to look through the fridge, shifting some stuff before turning to ask me what I would like.
"I'm really not that hungry," I explain to him as he continues to root through the fridge.
"How about some fruit," I merely nod as he begins to set out different kinds of fruit waiting to be cut. I asked him if he wanted me to help him to cut the fruit and he quickly told me to stay put so that he could do something that he should have done when I was younger. It honestly breaks my heart to see him trying so hard for my happiness, and it's something I know he's been waiting to happen.
Once he's finished cutting up the fruit he places a plate of colorful food with a pinkish dip in a small bowl. He sits down next to me, when I turn to look at him he has a small smile playing on his face. "What?" I ask him as I chew a strawberry.
"You're so grown up Alexandra," he shakes his head softly chuckling to himself. "You're so beautiful, I always knew you would be, now you have Shane," he takes a deep breath before continuing. "You both are perfect for each other, it's actually so ridiculous,"
I don't want to talk about Shane and I right now, because I know I should be focused on my mother and what's happening here, but I can't help but let my mind wander to what he and Kane are up to overseas. "You know I'm graduating this spring?"
"Yeah I remember don't worry, I'll be there," a large smile is set on my face now, because even though he wasn't the best father when I was younger doesn't mean he can't be now, and it seems like he's finally realizing that.
"Thank you," I whisper as I take a triangular piece of pineapple and dip it into the dip.
"Alexandra, you're my daughter, I don't think I could miss you graduating from University,"
But he would miss any other special awards like the honor roll I made every year in high school, he wouldn't take a second glance at, but as soon as I graduate high school he's so proud of me, by telling me that he jumped on a plane to fly overseas to open new franchises. This words would poke an already open wound if they had trembled out of my lips, which luckily didn't. "Thank you Dad," I smile as I plop a small blueberry in my mouth.
Once I finish eating the rather large platter of fruit that dad had made for me, he told me he has something to show me. I'm following him through the large hallways of the home of my parents that I've never been in until now. Coming to an end of the hallway we walk up a couple steps to come to a closed door, that was complete glass although you couldn't see through it because of the fog look that has been put through it. He slowly opens the door to reveal his large office with large bookcases containing multiple series of books that he has read, on other shelves there are containers of files. On the other wall straight across from the one I was just observing is more containers full of files with a sticker on the front of it showing a name. Though one container caught me off guard. It had a colourful paper lining the outside, with messy writing on the side I mindlessly walk towards it for it to reveal my name. In very messy writing it says 'Alexandra.'
Turning towards my father as I stand next to the large shelf with the box on it that says my name. "That stuff is all yours," he takes a deep breath before walking towards me, he pulls the container off the shelf and placing it on his large wooden desk. "It's everything you ever gave me, from crafts and drawings to the cards to made me for my birthday or for fathers day," my eyes are brimmed with tears, I didn't think he kept any of these things. I carefully open the box to reveal more colorful pieces of paper. Lifting one up that looks to be colored with crayons. It has three figures standing on a perfectly green hill, with the perfect sunny day. All of us holding hands, me being in the middle and my parents on either side of me. Flipping it over it has my name, and says 1994. Picking up another one it's a card with many hearts. Opening it reveals big letters spelling out 'I love you, Daddy!'
At this point there are tears streaming down my face, I know he's always cared about me, and he just never knew how to show it. It honestly hurts me from the bottom of my heart to know that he's loved me. Looking into the box it's just about filled to the complete top. I remember drawing pictures for him since I can remember. Turning around I pull him into a tight hug, he immediately responds and holds me close. I really didn't think he kept any of this stuff, but I guess him showing me all these things is his way of showing me how much he's cared all along and ended up doing the wrong things.
Finding my way to my room after my father and I cried for about five minutes after he showed me all my little crafts I gave him at my young age, I fall back on my bed and my eyes shut quickly. Though before I could fall asleep in the clothes I've been traveling in all day I change into some sweatpants and one of Shane's t-shirts because his scent still lingers on it although he feels like he's a million miles away.
Waking up the next morning was weird, the large canopy that rests above my head surprises me, and I feel slightly cold without Shane by my side holding me tightly against his built frame, begging me not to get up for another five minutes. It's not until I sit up that I hear a light knocking at the door. My eyes feel exhausted, "come in," my voice is raspy from just waking up. My dad walks in already dressed in jeans and a button up.
"Hey, sorry I woke you up, it's just that visiting hours are only from ten am until four, and it's already eleven so I thought you'd want to go see her," his voice is quiet as he stands in front of the large closet.
"It's already eleven? Oh gosh yeah I need to get up," I run my fingers through my hair, I'll have to shower tonight, I need to see mom as soon as I can.
"You don't have to rush, we'll leave when you're ready," I nod as he exits my room. I quickly get up and go to the closet where I put my clothes. I take my white shirt with blue sleeves, with medium colored washed out jeans and blue stripped toms. Quickly changing I go into the on-suite of my bedroom and apply a bit of makeup to cover up the growing bags under my eyes. Also to add a bit of color to my very pale face. The color of my skin as really changed, it almost looks lifeless with how pale it is. Brushing my teeth I leave my room is my phone and purse in hand, along with a brown knitted zip-up sweater. Getting to the kitchen a smell my favorite, french toast.
"Thank you, dad," I smile when he sets a plate in front of me.
"Of course hon," he sits next to me, we're both in the exact same places as we were last night. We finish eating in silence, and once we're both done he puts our dishes in the dishwasher and he leads me to the garage. When he opens the door I'm not surprised to see five cars parked in there, all four of them are black with all windows tinted to the max, while on the farthest end of the garage there's a bright yellow Ferrari which really doesn't surprise me. "We'll take the Porsche," I follow him to the SUV. Opening the passenger door, I slide into the sleek leather seat. As he starts up the engine I lay my head back and sigh.
The drive there wasn't too bad, other than the fact that the drivers in Italy are a little bit scarier than the ones in North America. Once we're parked, we begin to walk to the entrance, once we get inside it looks like a regular hospital other than the fact that all the signs are in Italian. Going up to the fourth-floor dad stops me. "Your mother doesn't exactly know your here, I wanted it to be a surprise, just to see her really happy again," I hug him and nod. He explains to me to wait outside the door. I do as I'm told as he enters the room the door stays open and I hear them greet each other. My dad asks how she is feeling today, and she tells him alright.
Her next words break my heart into even more pieces then it was already at. "Can you please let me call Alexandra? Darling, I really want to hear her voice,"
I couldn't wait any longer, I turn the corner into her room. Her arms are crossed and face is very determined. The movement of my body behind my father must have caught her eye because our eyes met and her eyes lit up so quickly.
"Hi mommy," I whisper in her ear as we hug. She pulls me on the bed so I'm sitting beside her.
"Alexandra," she cries into my shoulder holding me so tight to her. Her arms look frail, and as we separate it looks like her face has lost a lot of weight. "I can't believe you didn't tell me she was coming!" She scolds my father and he lets out a chuckle shaking his head.
"I wanted to surprise you," she kisses my cheek.
"How do you like your room?" She suddenly asks me. My heart sinks at the fact that she has been waiting so long for me to come here and I never did.
"I love it," I smile at her. I hear my father mutter that he is going to grab a coffee.
It's been about forty minutes since dad has left to go get a 'coffee,' but I know he's just trying to let me and mom have some space.
"Why isn't Shane here?" She asks as we begin to settle ourselves from laughing at something funny that I honestly cannot remember.
"He's at home, I convinced him to stay because he's been behind in his work," I explain briefly. She nods understandingly.
"You know Alex, just by the way that he looks at you, I can see how much he really loves you," her words are soft and truthful. Shane really does mean a lot to me. "You should keep him around," a giggle escapes my lips.
"I think I might just do that," I smile back at her as she hugs me tight. "Are you allowed out of your room?" I ask her, I just want to go for a walk around, even if it is just in the building.
"Yeah, but you'll have to push me in a wheelchair because I'm not 'stable enough' to walk on my own," her eyes roll as she explains. Standing I see a wheelchair folded up against the wall. Walking over I get it ready for her to sit down. I take her hand and help her stand, her hand is tightly around my own and she pushes off of me just the slightest bit helping her to get to her feet. Quickly, I guide her to sit down and when she does she lets out a quiet sigh, she never wanted to show anyone that she was weak, even at the toughest times.Smiling at her as she looks up at me, I go round and push the chair out of the room. following down the hall I ask her where is the best place to go, she tells me to go down a floor and go to the cafeteria. Doing as I'm told I follow her directions, entering, it's a very plain white place full of tables and a couple of TVs. Looking for an open table I quickly spot my father at a far table alone facing the window with his laptop in front of him. Parking mom right beside him, catches his attention, causing his head turn towards us. I sit across from the two.
"I'm really glad you're here," my mother tells me as she entwines her fingers with my fathers.
"Me too mom, me too," I smile slightly, I wish I wasn't here under these circumstances.
For the next hour or so we sit here talking about anything really, as a real family like I wished I had as a child. Looking around I spot a clock and see that it is nearly four. We all leave, me pushing mom in her chair. Getting into her room she gets back in bed and takes a deep breath. I'm sure getting up out of the chair and into the bed is a lot of work for her. I wish we could have been like this my whole life, I would probably be a lot happier with my life.
"Well darling we're going to get going," my father tells her softly. Looking at her reaction I can tell how lonely she is when she is sitting in here alone. The way she slowly looks away and bites her lips pains me.
"We'll see you tomorrow as soon as visiting hours start," I tell her bending to give her frail body a tight hug. "I love you mom,"
"I love you too Alexandra," as I stand back up I smile at her and I get one in return. My father goes to hug her, giving her a kiss on her cheek as he whispers 'I love you.' It really hits me how much I miss Shane at this point.
Getting back to my father's house, I tell him that I'm going to my room to call Shane. Opening my laptop I open Skype and call Shane. After a few rings, he answers. He's sitting at a desk and looks to be doing some paperwork. I totally forgot that he would be working right now.
"Hey babe," he smiles wide at the camera setting down a pen.
"Hey," I smile shyly, feeling slightly bad that I interrupted him during work. "Sorry, are you busy?"
"No just doing some paperwork, I only have two left to do, then I'm all yours until about 11:30 I have an appointed booked," why does he have an appointment? He must have known by my facial expression that I was confused. "I have someone coming in with a car for me to fix," understanding what he meant now, it makes more sense. Considering that he is a 'student' he can't do all the same work. He told me a couple week ago that he doesn't even really like it, he might just want to find a job in his fathers business, which is a very large editing company. "All done," his voice suddenly startles me.
"Great! How his your day so far?" I ask him as I cross my legs in front of me.
"It's pretty good, but it would be better if you were here," he over exaggerates his frown. I would say I'll be back soon, but I don't exactly want that to happen.
"I miss you," I sigh resting back on the pillows.
"I miss you too, did you see your mom yet?" Nodding my head, I look down taking in a deep breath. "How was she?"
"She's dying and I can see it," my voice cracks and I lose it. I've tried to hold it together but I can't right now.
"Baby I'm so sorry," his face looks pained and all I want right now is for his arms to hug me, to be embraced by his warmth.
"You should have seen her when we had to leave, she almost cried, she looks so sad," tears are falling and Shane is running his hands through his hair and pulling at the ends.
"Alex baby, please stop crying, I'm going to jump on a plane and meet you there,"
"Shane you can't you're busy, I'm okay. I just needed a good cry," I let out a small giggle making him smile.
"Tell me more about your day," he asks me and I quickly answer to get our minds off the fact that there's an ocean separating us, not to mention that my mother is dying.
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A/N
OHHHHHMYYYYGOOOODDDDNESSSSSS I am so so sorry for the wait. Like where did September go?! This chapter was super hard to write for me and school has been loading me with homework. No to mention that I broke my phone on Friday night. Ugh sorry I'm stressed about too much. 3.1K READS!!!!!!! THAT'S CRAY!! Love all of you who continued to read!
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