Shawn and I just came back from lunch, it wasn't that fun. This time we drove to the restaurant and didn't walk like we tried to do yesterday. So it was much easier.
He also called his parents this morning and his sister to tell them about us... it was just awkward and uncomfortable. I don't know how I feel about that, I don't know if I want to just go right back to where we were before I found out I was pregnant before we broke up, I'm not sure if that's what I want. But he told his parents and sister anyway.
I don't think he understands that I still need a bit more time.
His sister knew from before we broke up, but I guess he told her we broke up, he told me they were close so now he called her to tell her we are back together.
I was surprised when he asked me out for lunch, I was already planning what I wanted from the room service. Well, I guess that's why he told his family about us, so he could go out with me in public without worrying that they will hear he is dating someone before he managed to say anything.
He kissed me a few times, at lunch. Not just once, and it felt good. It was also awkward because his manger and 2 huge bodyguards went with us, and there were cameras and paparazzi everywhere. I'm surprised my phone isn't blown up yet from all the texts I got in the past 2 hours.
Maya completely freaked me out last time we talked about his fans, I was sure they'll hate me. I really wish they won't hate me in the future.
Holy shit. I'm in a relationship.
I don't know how I'm feeling about this, not he relationship thing, but going out with Shawn again... I know I wanted to, and I'm here because I wanted to, but He is taking this a bit too far, we just talked about it this morning, about getting back together, now we are out on public...? And he told his parents? I need some time to think, this is a bit too much.
I didn't even want to get back together. That's not why I came here.
Why did I come here?
I don't even know.
If I'm honest, it felt really good going out with him. That was the first/second time. Does the first date count? That night we first actually talked? Whatever, so that was the first time we got out and he kissed me in public. It felt really good, I was happy. But it also scared me a little. I don't know why. I feel happy around him, but this is all too much, I think I gave him the wrong impression. I'm not sure I want to get back into a relationship with him yet, I know he said he wants to spend these 2 days with me, happy. But what if I'm not? What if I'm not happy?
What will happen in 2 days? What then? I'll go back and never see him again? That's not what I want and it scares me that after these 2 days I'll go back home and we will be done. I won't be able to see him for a few months.
"Did you have fun?" Shawn smiles as we got back to his room making me jump "Yes I did" I say not really sure how much fun I really had. It was more awkward than fun.
"Do you want anything to drink?"
"No, I'm good" I take a deep breath. "So I wanted to talk to you about something..." I should tell him how I feel.
"What is it?"
I stare at him, he sits down on the bed looking up to me "I'm not 100% sure I want to be in a relationship with you" I sit next to him
"What?" He looks hurt.
"I told you, that's not why I came here" I continue.
"Then why did you come?" He asks.
"If I'm honest, I don't know. I missed you. For sure. But I think, I wanted to meet your friends and to talk to them, get to know you better, and maybe in the future after the tour is over, we can discuss getting back together."
His face falls. "I thought, you wanted this, me," he says.
Oh, fuck me. "I do. Shawn, listen" I hold his hand. "I am happy around you, but I feel like this is going a little out of hand, you told your parents. You kissed me in public. I can't deal with this... what if your fans hate me?"
He scoffs. "My fans won't fucking hate you, why do you care about my fans? You know how I feel, you know how you feel, nothing will change that."
"Hey, Listen, I know I told you we will talk about it at the end of the trip. But I feel like if we are going out, you need to be more subtle, you can't go and kiss me in front of a thousand people and cameras. I like being with you, and I said I'll give it a try for the next 2 days so I am. I just want you to take a step back with all the affection. Please," I beg.
"Fine, I'll try. I just thought... never mind. Ok, I need to meet Andrew in a few minutes, so you just go to your room to get ready and at 9 I'll pick you up and we'll go to the party. Ok?" He says getting up opening the front door for me.
At 9? Hold up, did he just tell me to leave? "yeah ok" I get going to my room. "Wait, Lili" He stops me before I get in my own room. "What?" I turn around. Was it becoming what I said? I didn't mean it like that. Why is he kicking me out?
"Didn't you forget something?"
I look at him trying to read his expression and to understand what is he talking about. "No... I don't think so...?" what did I forget? My phone is on me, my wallet, the key to the room. I got everything I need.
Shawn rolls his eyes leaving the door to his room completely open walking to me, kissing me taking me by surprise. "I don't care you said you wanted me to be subtle. No one can see us. Now you can go" He smiles. I fake a smile back at him and I go to my room, this is all very confusing. "Bye" I walk to my room.
I am completely confused by him.
All-day in my room, I do nothing. I think about what happened with Shawn. It was a stupid conversation. I am literally going to a party with him in front of tons of people and probably tons of paparazzi. I shouldn't have said anything.
I talked to my friends, They totally freaked out. It was funny.
It's almost 8 o'clock, don't know how it happened. I took a shower and I picked my close Alex brought me which I thank her for.
If I'm honest after the way Shawn acted today and yesterday, I'm not sure I want to go to the party anymore. He was so weird. It just makes me a bit anxious.
At 9:05 there is a knock on my door. My heart blooms with excitement as I open the door and I see Shawn looking smoking hot! Wow. He looks incredible. He is wearing a white shirt that 'heaven' is written on her, and he is wearing light blue jeans which I don't think I ever saw him with. It's a new look and he looks amazing.
"Holy shit" Shawn's jaw drops... I laugh at his reaction.
I'm dressed in a long dark blue tight dress with my favorite black heels
"You look incredible," he says. And he sweeps me into a kiss. I let him.
"Thank you," I say blushing. "Ok let's go" He pulls out his hand waiting for my hand to join his, so now we are holding hands, Shawn kisses me again. and we walk out of the room, headed to the party.
I don't know about him but I'm excited.