~Wren~
Albus seemed quieter than normal. I nudged him as he set up his telescope. "Is everything okay?"
He started. "Oh, um, yeah. It is."
"Are you sure?" I tilted my head.
He glanced at me and managed a smile. "I'm fine."
I didn't believe him, but I couldn't tell what was wrong just from looking. "Is everything all right with Poppy?"
There was a real smile. "Yeah, actually. We're doing great. Meeting in the library tomorrow to study for Potions."
I smiled. "That's great! Is she good at it?"
"Better than I am," Albus said, shrugging. "I don't think she's as good as you, of course, but hardly anyone's as good as you in any class."
I felt my face heating up. "That's not true."
"I mean, sure, Astra's good at magic," Albus said, shrugging, "but really, the best ones in our year are you and Rose."
"And Ciara Malfoy."
Albus scrunched his nose up. "Yeah. Her too, I guess."
I rolled my eyes. "She's not very nice, but she's really smart."
"I know. It's easier to hate people when they get everything without deserving it, though."
"Don't hate her," I said, sighing. "She's awful, but it could be worse. She could be worse. It's not hopeless, at least."
"That's true," Albus said, adjusting his telescope a bit. "Well, suppose we'd better get started on these charts, hmm?"
"Probably," I said, smiling. We sank into silence, focusing on the stars.
Well, trying to focus, at least for me. Astra's words hadn't gotten out of my head over the past few days. I needed to talk to James. Really, she was right. I'd let this go on too long. And as much as I was scared, I needed to tell him everything. Relationships were built on trust, and if I couldn't trust him, maybe I wasn't ready for this.
I had made up my mind to talk to him tonight, after Astronomy. I'd considered before, but I had a feeling this would not be a quick conversation. Better to wait till after.
And I would talk to him. Really. I'd finally managed to psyche myself up for it. I was terrified. For good reason, too; I supposed James really did have every reason to be mad. He would be angry. That was the scariest part. There was the chance he would storm off before I got the chance to explain, in which case I would just have to wait for him to calm down.
Or maybe he would listen, and understand after a while. Not accept, appreciate, necessarily, but understand.
Or he would blow up at me, and I would simply have to wait out the storm. That was worst case scenario.
At least it would all be over after that. At least I knew that, after everything, James would eventually understand. He cared about me. I'd let this come between us, and I'd messed up, but I was fixing it in the best way I could. It might take him a while, but I had to hope that James would forgive me.
I had to hope, because I couldn't live with the alternative.
When Albus and I got back from Astronomy, James was no where to be found. Colette said he and Astra had both gone up to bed a while ago, which was odd. James generally waited up for us. Albus shrugged and said that practice was a little tiring that day.
I got hit by a wave of relief and disappointment so strong that I went up to bed as well.
The next morning, I didn't manage to catch James before classes. On top of that, Astra seemed moody and didn't want to talk, though what was new? She'd been moody all term. I didn't think anything of it, and brushed off Albus's concerns.
I didn't think anything was odd that day until James was sitting in the common room when Albus and I walked in after Potions, while Astra went to Care of Magical Creatures. I frowned. "Hey, James. Don't you have class right now?"
"I need to talk to you," he said, hopping up. I felt my stomach drop. His face was stony and unreadable, and he wasn't meeting my eyes. I'd only seen him like this once, when he'd thought I was betraying them. Something was terribly, horribly wrong.
"James, what is it?" I asked.
He shook his head. "Not here."
I glanced at Albus as James started towards the portrait hole. All I could see in his face was concern. He didn't meet my eyes.
I followed James all the way to the Room of Requirement in silence. Anxiety was welling up in me, twisting my stomach so much I was worried I would be sick. Had he found out, somehow? Would he believe me when I told him I'd been meaning to tell him everything last night?
The Room of Requirement was completely empty except for two chairs, facing each other at the far side of the room. I watched James as I slowly sat down. He still wasn't looking at me. For a moment, the silence continued.
"What's wrong, James?" I finally asked.
He still didn't meet my eyes. "Why didn't you tell me Zaria Hempsey was in Hogsmeade?"
My breath caught in my throat, and I could hear my heart beating, too fast. "I..." I didn't know how to answer. There wasn't an answer. Not a good one, at least.
James pursed his lips, taking my silence for the answer that it was. "I could have understood all the rest of it, I guess. I probably would've tried to fight Nico Jasper right after he turned you in. I wouldn't have blamed you for... for easing me into it, I guess."
I watched him, the top of his head. He still was staring at the floor. I wanted him to see me, see I was hurt, too.
"But you never did." He finally looked up at me, and the pain in his eyes cut me to the core. And beneath that, something else. Something harder. He wasn't just hurt. He was angry. Suddenly, I wished he would look away again. "You never told me. Am I just a liability, Wren?"
I shook my head, blinking. "Of course not." My voice sounded hoarse.
He shook his head. "If that were true, you would've trusted me."
"I do trust you," I said softly.
"Obviously not."
I took a shuddering breath, trying to keep myself from crying. That wouldn't help anything. "Who told you all this?" I asked, though I had a feeling I knew already.
"Astra." He was watching me now, waiting for an explanation. I wasn't sure I had one to give.
I'd planned this out. Exactly what I would say, ways to respond to any type of reaction I could imagine him having. I hadn't prepared for this, though. For him confronting me before I had a chance to do anything. For the hurt so evident in his eyes. I'd known he'd be upset, but this was more. This was betrayal.
This was something I hadn't seen in his eyes since I was eleven years old.
"I'm so sorry, James," I said quietly. "I would've told you. I was going to. Last night, even."
"Why did you wait so long?" James asked.
"I... I don't know. I was just..." I trailed off. I couldn't tell him I was afraid. "I don't know."
James frowned. He seemed to sense I was holding something back. "Do you feel like you can't talk to me?"
That was just biting enough to hurt, and just accusatory enough to turn on my defenses. "I don't have to tell you everything," I said, blinking away tears.
James blinked. I could tell he hadn't expected that, which added duel to a flame that was building in me. Sure, I'd messed up. I was more than willing to admit that and try to be better. But the problem wasn't that I was not telling James things. It was that I was telling the others and not him. At the end of the day, there were so many things I kept to myself that this... this entitlement of his was completely unnecessary.
"I just thought you cared about me," James snapped. He was fully angry now. "It's not like I'm your boyfriend or anything. It's not like that's something I would want to know."
"I was trying to keep you from running off and getting yourself killed, as some sort of petty revenge or attempt to protect me, somehow. As if you could," I said, taking a deep breath. I couldn't get angry. I needed to stay calm, stay calm, stay calm even though James was starting to yell and I felt like both bursting into tears and shouting back at him.
"You can't control what I do!" James shouted.
"Neither can you!" I yelled. I didn't know exactly what I meant by that, if he couldn't control himself, or couldn't control me. Maybe I meant both.
James seemed stunned for a second, then he stood up. "If you won't talk to me, I don't think this is going to work out."
Now I was the stunned one. I blinked, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me. "Are you... are you serious?"
"Yes, I am," James said, obviously struggling to not look upset. His eyes didn't match his words; they were begging me to say no, to talk him out of this, to just make up.
But I couldn't. Suddenly, this wasn't all my fault, and I wasn't going to just cave and pretend it was. I was shaken and about to cry and more angry than I'd been in weeks. I don't know which of those was fueling me as I stood up. "Well, if you won't respect my boundaries, maybe you're right."
James blinked. He swallowed hard, then opened his mouth to say something. But nothing came. Before I could do anything, he'd turned and hurried out.
I waited until he was gone to drop back into my chair and burst into tears.
What did I just do? That wasn't what I'd wanted. Not even close. Were we really... Was that really it? We were over? How did everything get this twisted?
How did I mess up this badly?
I should've told him all of this a long time ago. I should've talked to him. I shouldn't have let it get this far. I should've done something, should've told him, should've been better.
Astra was right. I should've trusted him.
Astra... I let out a sob. Why had she done this? She'd promised. She'd promised she wouldn't tell him. That she'd let me do it. She'd lied to me. I hadn't even suspected her. She'd lied, and broken a promise, and ruined everything.
No, I ruined everything, I reminded myself. Astra promised, and she should have followed through, but all of this was my fault. I ruined everything. I always ruined everything.
What else should I have expected, though? I'd always known I didn't deserve my friends. I'd always been afraid they would realize it, one day. That fear had only heightened when James and I started dating. I wasn't as good as he thought I was. He deserved so much better. Could I really blame him for finally realizing that?
There was a table in front of me now, and I laid my arms on it and buried my head in them. For a while, I just let myself cry, let all thoughts drift away. This was all my fault. I deserved it. And I would have to live with it.
~~~~
I didn't know how much time had passed when Albus slowly sat down across from me, laying the Marauder's Map on the table next to him. When I met his eyes, all I saw was concern that made me burst into tears again. I didn't deserve his concern.
Albus patted my arm and just let me cry. "It's okay," he said softly, and I shook my head.
"It's not. It's not okay."
"What happened?" he whispered. "I've never seen James so upset. He wouldn't tell me anything."
I shook my head again. "I... He found out."
"Found out?"
"James found out about everything. I was going to tell him last night. But now it's too late."
Albus bit his lip. "Wren, I'm so sorry."
I shook my head, looking down. "We broke up."
I heard Albus gasp. "You... You did?" I nodded, closing my eyes tightly. I was going to start crying again.
"Was it Astra?" Albus asked. "She told?"
"I... Yes..." I blinked. "Why did she do that? She promised."
Albus shook his head. "I don't know. I'm so sorry."
"It's all my fault," I whispered.
"No, it's not," Albus said automatically. I shook my head. He couldn't really believe that any more than I did.
~~~~
Congratulations! Because it is the weird time between Christmas and New Year's and I've been stuck at my grandparents for about four days with nothing to do, I've written three full chapters ahead. I'm an impatient brat, though, and couldn't wait to post this particular chapter because I knew it would hurt and confuse everyone. Also it made me sad. Anyway, happy New Year's and I hope you all have an amazing rest of your break!
Question of the Day: What are your goals for the new year?
Answer: My goals are to stay consistent in updating (I might end up switching to a new day once the semester starts depending on my schedule, but I'll keep it to once a week!), make more friends in college, and get a new job.
Vote and comment!
~Elli