“If you simply ignored the feeling, you would never know what might happen, and in many ways that was worse than finding out in the first place. Because if you were wrong, you could go forward in your life without ever looking back over your shoulder and wondering what might have been.”
-Nicholas Sparks, A Message In A Bottle
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Chapter 20-Scattered Emotions
Chelsea’s POV
I didn’t know how to feel.
I was at loss in my own body. My emotion scattered around askew. I was a stranger to my own physique, to my own being. I was lost.
I didn’t know how to get over the fact that Vic was traveling thousands of miles away. Not only to a different town, different state, but to a different country, a whole different continent!
I was miserable.
I wanted to hold in my arms, tie him to my bed, never let him go.
But on the other hand, I can’t bring myself to stop him from leaving. I just can’t. He deserves this! Regency is the finest of all universities and he got in. It’s an honor. A privilege.
And he can’t turn it down.
I’ll miss him. I know I will. But I can’t push myself to make him stay. I want this for him. But at the same time I wan’t him close. But I won’t deprive him of this. I’ll make sure he goes. And finishes with an amazing degree, all the way to the end.
You just don’t know if you wanna stick around till the end, my subconsciousness sneered.
I do! I argued back. I do want to stay. I just don’t think it’s the right decision.
He’s going to uni for god’s sakes! A place where people party hard, get drunk till they don’t remember their names, and sleep with anything that has legs. Everyone dreams about a life full of that with their universities.
I know I do.
I love Vic. But I won’t deprive him of the chance to have all these crazy experiences. In 10 years time, when he’s in a bar with his friends, drinking and reliving their uni memories, while his friends narrate their one night stand with their professor, I don’t want him to grumble that he was stuck to his girlfriend, who he, incidentally, couldn’t even kiss, cause she was half the world away!
So where does that leave me? I thought.
I don’t know...I know I’m gonna break up with him before he goes. I know I am. I just don’t think I’ll tell him till the very last moment. I’ll stay with him now though, cherish our last few months together. I’ll enjoy him and make him happy and I’ll just be with him.
It’s the least I can do.
Okay, so that’s it, I’ve made up my mind. I will enjoy my time with Vic now, and when the time comes for him to leave, I will break up with him. Last minute. So he can’t stop me. Or change my mind. Because I’m pretty sure he can do both. I will let him go to this amazing university and get the education he deserves. I’ll let him relish the typical uni life and live life without any regrets, atleast for the future.
What about afterwards then? What about your plans to stay together? What about your plans to get married? Your plans for children with that man you so desperately love? What about the big white house you’ll wanted?
I dont know! I screamed back with fury at my inner devil, glaring at her angry face. Shut the fuck up, I thought.
I just can’t be that girl.
That girl that waits by the phone, or stays up all night in hope for a skype chat. I can’t be her. I’ll go crazy with the insecurity and jealousy. Then he’ll feel suffocated and start lying to me. Then it’ll ruin what was once an amazing relationship. I don’t want that. I want us to end on good terms.
Then even if we meet a few years later..we’ll be okay. We’ll be on a good note.
Just octaves apart, my mind leered.
I’ll decide as I go. I’ll see. I still have 5 months to cherish my love. I’ll do that first.
**********************************
It was a Sunday night. My last day of holidays before school starts again. I was going in fourth form. And Vic had just finished school. It would be a new experience, going to school without them. Without my boyfriend by my side. Or my brother there chasing down every other guy. Or Arts and Nats to keep me company. I’ll miss them alot, I just realized the impact they have on me.
Vic was 2 years older to me. 3 grades older to me. The whole of August was spent by me preparing for school in September, and Vic trying to convince me to apply to Regency University. The same as him. He said his course would take 6 years, and for his last 3 years he could be with me. And the first three we could live through Skype and summer fun.
I felt guilty.
I still hand’t told him about my thoughts to break up. I just know he’ll object..and I don’t wanna fight in our last few months together. I also felt bad about the fact that I told him I’d ‘think’ about applying to his uni. I won’t. I’m a home girl. I cant travel half the world away. I need my family. I need familiar ground and known people. I can’t. I’d get homesick often and I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on moving about as usual..doing daily routines, let alone studies.
The first day of school, was the least to say, entertaining.
People still treated me like a walking, talking, China doll/Goddess. It annoyed me, but most of the times I didn’t mind. What was more was that, in the morning, the principal had requested to see me in her office. I was beyond confused. As far I remember, I had never done anything remotely bad or wrong. And this was the first day! What in god’s name could I have been called for?
Later though, in her brief discussion with the principal, I found that I had been elected the Welcoming Committee President, and the Interact Committee's Vice President. Both being a massive honor. Welcoming people wouldn’t be too hard, especially since there were very few new people. And she loved interact committee! It was so much of fun. Making friends with students from other school’s and organizing social events and such. It was going to be a good year.
Atleast the committee’s would keep her mind off Vic and his impending departure.
I had also discovered, that my president of the Interact Committee would not be attending school till October. So I had to solely run through the first event. It’s supposed to be just a get together for the Interact Committee of my school and St.Joe’s School. They too are a top school with amazing results and good sports teams. They were pretty much like us. So I had to organize it and pull everything through. My principal, Mrs. Robinson, had informed me that the president of the interact committee of St.Joe’s school will be assisting me. It was arranged that I meet him tomorrow at the coffee shop next to my school, courtesy of Mrs. Robinson, do discuss where we were holding the first joint schools meeting and what the food and drinks and music would be.
That night, I stayed up extra late going through prices and menu’s and dj’s. God this is going to be one helluva year.
*************************************
The next morning I got up and immediately replied to Vic’s message. After finding out he was leaving, I had spent every single second either with him or texting him. I’ll make the most of our time together, I silently promised myself. After school, I trudged down to the coffee shop and ordered myself a cappuccino, mentally busying myself, waiting for the president of the other school’s committee.
The little ding of the bell on top of the door alerted me to the entry of someone. In came a beautiful boy. He had shoulder length curly brown hair and a beyond charming smile. His green-grey eyes were extraordinary, more so with the glint of hurt in them. They glittered and glimmered and I found myself staring up at him. Wondering, why the pain laced in those orbs?
He smiled at me and I did a double take.
‘Uh, your Chelsea right?’
He had a question mark plastered on his face and his perfectly sculpted eyebrows knit in confusion.
‘Yes I am...’
My voice trailed off and it was clear that I had no idea what so ever about he he was.
‘Oh I’m Gregory Clearwater. President of the St.Joe’s Interact Committee? You must be Chelsea. But I must say, you look a tad bit too young to be a senior.’
He stuck out his hand for a friendly gesture and I uncertainly inserted my hand in his. He smiled a smile that could only be described as inviting as he slid into the booth in front of me.
‘Oh um I’m not a senior.’
‘Your not?’
He asked dubiously, cocking one brown eyebrow up.
‘Um, no the president is on extended holiday. She won’t be here till next month. I won’t be a senior for 2 more years. I’m vice. Just taking over till she’s back..’
‘Oh okay.’
At that moment, I knew that we would be great friends. Not because of his easy smile and attractive profile.
No, it was something more than that.
It was the fact that he didn’t make a pass at me.
Not to sound too conceited, but a guy in a situation like this would have definitely said something like ‘Oh okay I’m glad I get you for the month *wink*’ or ‘we’ll find a way to enjoy ourselves’ but no, he didnt. And more so, throughout our entire conversation he remained apt and attentive to every word I said and took me seriously, despite my age.
I figured out that he was a senior and this was his last year. He was moving to Central London for university after 1 year. He was taking entire next year to travel around the world, feeding the poor. My eyes held a doting, hero like worship as I hung off every word he said. He was not only superbly smart, but he was an environmentalist, and an active explorer. He was single, though I knew his previous girlfriend had left a trail of doubt and pain scattered behind her footsteps. It was evident through his eyes. And was even more pronounced when he flinched when asked about his relationship status. He paid for my coffee and his and we made plans to meet at mine next the day after tomorrow. He said it would be easier to call companies and caterers from a house and I offered mine. We spoke for more than an hour and parted ways at the exit of the shop.
I left feeling self satisfied and happy. He was not only an incredibly nice, good person, but he didn’t make me feel uncomfortable in any way, and he took me on with an unbelievably open mind.
Contrary to what it may have seemed like, there was no glitter of romantic feelings. It was like talking to a family member. Not a immediate family member. But a faraway one. One you can relate to and compare and contrast your crazy lives. I would get along with him. And I was grateful. I didn’t need being stuck with some egoistical, stuck up jerk for a partner.
I was walking home when I got a text. The outside cover said it was from Vic and my high spirits shot through the rood.
Opening the message I read it through a few time just to make sure I didn’t miss anything.
It read,
Surprise for my Angel tonight. Be ready at 8. And wear a dress. Any dress. Surprise me too. I love you x
I grinned goofily as I put my phone back inside my jeans pocket. Pulling my long sleeves into my wrists, I warmed up my hands as I walked a few more steps, just before hopping into the air and letting out a little squeal of excitement.
Another date. I grinned.