Hey guys!! Oh my lord... I'm soooo sorry for not updating in so long :( but I hope you'll like this one, I actually thought it turned out quite well. If you're easily triggered, be careful, but its not that bad. Just Bren's backstory is somewhat... rough. Anyways enjoy! :)
Brendon's POV:
I can't believe I'm doing this. Nervously I fiddle with the keys in my hand. Momentarily I stand in front of the well known, white, wooden door to Ryan Ross' apartment.
The Ryan Ross that is the amazing singer and lyricist from the famous band Pile-Up, the Ryan Ross that I watched countless times performing live on stage, the Ryan Ross I was able to call my beloved boyfriend, before I destroyed the most important thing in my life.
Yesterday at precisely 7:08pm Jon called me to tell me he talked to Ryan and he was willing to give me a chance to explain. That was more than I could have ever asked for.
So, since yesterday precisely 7:09pm, I can't think about anything else, but what I am gonna say. I even started to write it down, but that sounded really weird. In the end I threw the paper away. I thought about some good phrases I could use though. That might be helpful. Whatever, okay I have to go in now.
My nervousness creases to an extent where I start shaking. I mean I finally see him again after weeks of literally zero contact. I can't really comprehend, that he even allowed me to come here.
It doesn't matter now, Brendon. Go in! Waiting any longer wouldn't make a difference anyways. My gaze captures the key in my hands again. I'd rather not use the key. Obviously, I'm not in the position for that anymore and I don't want Ryan to really think I want to kidnap him. Okay, Bren, here goes nothing. I knock on the door and wait.
Seconds feel like hours, when you're being anxious, like I certainly am right now. I finally hear footsteps, following by the opening of the door.
Ryan is standing right in front of me, wearing grey sweatpants and a way too large black sweater. Honestly, that is not too unusual, these were his comfy clothes even when we were still together. But what seriously weirds me out is when my look catches his face.
It isn't his usual happy face he used to wear whenever I was around, he looks exhausted, sad and mostly angered. I internally sigh and feel sadness fill my whole body: What did I expect?
"What do you want?" he asks me in such a harsh tone, it makes me cringe. I've never heard him talk to me like that, not even on the rare occasions that he was mad at me. "I came to talk." I'm still slightly confused by his tone. "Can I maybe come in? I really don't want to do this in the doorway." I say as quietly as before, still obviously intimidated by him.
He contemplates my request for a second, but then just leaves to go to the living room. I follow, closing the door behind me slowly. He is waiting for me in the living room. Standing there in an angry manner, his arms crossed. Defiance apparent. Obviously, he doesn't want to talk to me, but I still hope he will listen.
I know very well that I just have this one chance to explain, so of course I'm gonna use it.
"Like I said: talk. I don't have much time I was just about to watch a movie." He wasn't, I can tell, but he is not even trying to hide the fact that he is not happy about having to listen to me.
I see him grabbing a pack of Marlboro's from the couch table to light one up. I feel my body stiffen, when did he start smoking? He has never been a fan of these satanic sticks, but then it hits me. It's my fault he started. He told me his dad had started smoking after his mom left them. I think I don't know the extent of what I did to him. I feel like vomiting, but I can't I have to redeem myself, now!
As I'm about to start my monologue about what happened, I suddenly recognize I forgot all I was thinking about the last 24 hours. Fine, then I'm just trying to explain by heart, probably the best idea anyways. I take a deep breath, because it's hard for m to talk about this. But even if he doesn't look like it right now, it is still my Ryan that stands in front of me, although against his will. But if I can't tell him, who can I tell? I hid so much from him, now it's time that he understands. He looks at me, waiting impatiently, but I can also detect a little curiosity, I guess after all he still wants to know why. So I start:
"Okay, but I gotta warn you, it's not a nice story. A couple of years ago around the time you and the band became famous, I had some very, very dark months. Nothing in my life was going right. My parents found out I preferred men over women and of course, with my Mormon upbringing, they did not at all approve of this. Obviously, they kicked me out, because they didn't want to live with a "fag" how they used to call me. Before they cut all the cords, I was told I was a failure and a disgrace for the whole family, they never wanted to see me again.
I barely had any friends and the last I had I lost over being gay, so I had nowhere to go and no job. Basically, I lived on the streets for a couple of months. I barely had anything with me, except for some clothes and my phone.
I felt useless, thin, non-existent, just like I wasn't worth living in this world. With all this change, slowly but surely a depression crept to me. I didn't recognize it until I was in the middle of it. So, I attempted suicide, more than once, actually, but I guess what, little "fag" was even too stupid to kill himself properly. That was what I was thinking at the time anyways. I didn't think there was anything or anyone that could help me get out of my miserable state. But I was wrong."
The more I talk, the more I see Ryan slowly losing his attitude and actually listening to me.
"One fateful day then, I was randomly walking around the city with no intention at all, except to keep me warm. When I passed a window of a record store I decided to walk inside, because why not?
I have always been dedicated to music somehow. I knew I couldn't buy anything, because the little money I had I needed for food, but it was warm in there, so I started browsing a bit.
While doing that I found myself really enjoying the music they played in that store. Especially the voice of the lead singer and the lyrics spoke to me. He was dealing with the same stuff I dealt with at the time. He had the same thoughts as I had and it basically sounded like I was the one singing, with one little difference: He managed to get out of it. I was mesmerized by the whole concept of this band. So I went up to the counter to ask the employee who they were playing.
He said he had to look it up, because it was the worker from the shift before who put it on. When he came back he said it was a pretty knew band called Pile-Up and gave me the case, so I could take a look. The first thing I looked up was the name of the guy behind that incredible voice that entranced me. And his name was Ryan Ross."
I stop for a second to look him straight in the eyes and for the first time this whole evening he looked back. As much as I tried to find it, there was not a hint of anger in them anymore.
Ryan's POV:
I'm already overwhelmed by what Brendon told me so far, but that isn't even all. I don't want to interrupt him, because it honestly seems like he is going to tell me literally everything. So, I just look at him expectantly, he continues.
"And that's when my whole life changed. That name was burned into my brain for eternity, although I've just heard one single song by him till then. I probably studied the lyric booklet for a solid hour until the worker came back to me and asked me if I didn't want to just buy the CD. So, I looked at him afraid, but told him I couldn't. he seemed to understand what I meant with that for he just said 'We're closing in 10 minutes anyway, you can just take the one that is in the player.' then smiled widely at me. He just gave me the CD as a present. Me, the worthless hobo from under the bridge. I couldn't thank him enough and he offered even more help. He said he might be able to get a job for me in a restaurant and took me home with him. He said I was far too young to die outside on the streets.
You wouldn't believe how much he helped me, Ryan. That's how I met Jon. All because of you!
You were literally the one that got me from the streets in some way.
Jon helped me get the job at the restaurant and he switched jobs as well because he said the music store didn't pay half as good as the restaurant. He let me stay with him for a couple of weeks until I found my small apartment.
I was back in the game, everything seemed to have a purpose again.
But from time to time my depression got the best of me again. The only way to really fight it, was listening to you. There was nothing else that could help me. Not even Jon, but even he knew how much you meant to me. So, when it got really bad again, I started talking to you. I know you couldn't answer, but it was just good to tell someone, even if not really.
I went to so many of your concerts, because I wanted to see you in real life and it was incredible. You were so beautiful, strong, and clever. Long before I say it coming I fell in love. Then I found out, you weren't even living that far away from me, so I started passing by your complex whenever I went to work.
And please, don't be scared, I swear I never had the intention to stalk you! It would have never come to such an extent, because I respect you too much for intruding in your privacy. I was just wondering if you'd ever come out when I passed by.
And one miraculous day, you did. But then I got so scared of doing something wrong, I wanted to leave as soon as possible. Sadly, or in this case luckily I can be very clumsy. So, I fell and you helped me up.
You know the rest of the story."
He ended his explanation. I stand there in shock, absolutely baffled, unable to speak. Cautiously, his eyes meet mine. He looks afraid of me, of my reaction, but I can't bring myself to say anything.
After all Jon was right, Bren had a reason to hide this story from me. But...
For the first time tonight I talk to him civilized.
"Bren, why haven't you told me earlier? Did you really think I would have judged you for your history, when you knew I was going through similar stuff at a time in my life?" I ask him. He looks uncomfortable about my question. "No, but it's always hard to tell someone. I would have, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. Now I see that being insecure and scared, destroyed the most beautiful thing I ever had in my life. It's just nothing you introduce yourself with." I mean, I understand him, but not fully, he still could have told me earlier. But I'm not mad at him anymore, I guess I'm more disappointed.
I was his boyfriend for six months and yea, his secret involved me, but as he said I would have understood him. Somehow, I went through similar stuff.
He is looking at me expectantly. "What do you say? Now, that you know everything, do you think you could possibly forgive me?" he asks cautiously, it's a hard question.
I contemplate. I understand him and I would even go as far as to say these reasons justify his actions, but he hurt me. So bad.
"Honestly, Bren I'm not sure, Certainly, I see your reason now and somehow I can understand, but I need time. I can't decide in three seconds, I can't just say, everything forgotten and forgiven." I look at him and see tears in his eyes. He is trying to comprehend, I see that and I think he understands me.
"Please, just give me time and you can be sure about one thing: I do not judge you in any way! I'm sure at some point I'll be able to call you my friend again. I'm just not sure I'll ever be able to be your boyfriend again..." After looking at the floor most of the time, he now lifts his eyes up to look straight into my eyes. I see tears rolling down his face, but I don't move. It's still to early to hug or comfort him, he has to deal with it on his own, like I did.
"That's okay." He says quietly. "I didn't expect to get any more than that. It's already so much for you to contemplate to forgive me at all. Let me tell you one thing though, Ryan: I know very well that what I did was unforgivable. And if I could turn back time, I would and I would have played with open cards right from the beginning." He says with the most sincerity I ever experienced in a human being. I believe him.
"Thanks for telling me, Brendon." He gets that this is the end of the conversation and goes to open the front door, but before he leaves fully, he turns around.
"Your new album is incredible by the way. But who expected differently from Pile-Up, am I right? Have fun at the tour and take care, okay? I'll be waiting, for ever, if I have to."
With that he turns to finally leave. I stare at the closed door. This conversation literally changed everything. And that nauseous feeling inside of me, slowly turns into a warm, welcoming one.
One I haven't felt since the last time I saw Brendon before everything went down.
Puhh, okay that was heavy, anyways... So, for the updating schedule: my plan is to finish my fic this year still! Means, you can prepare for the last two chapters to be out soon!! I hope you enjoyed that and have some nice Christmas days and holidays! Love yaaa <3