Toronto Ontario, Canada
January 7, 1990
An hour later we arrive back in Toronto and drop off the rental car just down the street from the hotel we were staying at. Chris and I run up to the room and I needed to change into something less layered since we will be at a club and I don't want to get too sweaty. I take a quick shower and change into some black distressed leggings with my Doc Marten's I leave my hair down and curly and throw on my newly modified Pantera shirt that I had picked up in a thrift store in New York. It had the 'Cowboys From Hell' logo on the front with all the band members – Phil, Rex, Vinny and of course, Dime. Chris had changed as well, wearing his Nirvana muscle tank and again jean shorts with his Doc Marten's but I get it, he doesn't want to over heat either.
I checked the back to make sure I laced it properly like I usually do in the mirror, and Chris walks up behind me, placing his hands on my hips and leaning down into me brushing his lips across my earlobe.
"You look good baby," He says low and husky in my ear. I close my eyes and lean into him, feeling his soft lips graze against my skin. I wanted to wrap myself up in his arms and never leave. I smile to myself as his curls tickle my bare shoulder and I reach up and lace my fingers through his hair as he softly trails his lips down my neck.
"I need a drink, how about you?" I say quietly with my eyes still closed enjoying his lips on my skin.
"Sure," He says with his lips against my skin. I drop my hand from his hair and move away from him over to the mini bar fridge as he watches me pour a shot of Jack into a shot glass and another for him. I grab the two shot glasses and move back over to him and hand him the shot. He takes it from me and raises his eyebrow at me.
"Alright, I didn't know you were into shots now," Chris smirks.
"What? Are you kidding? Jack is the best when it's straight up," I say and he looks at me with a smirk.
"Uh huh..." He says skeptically. I knock back the shot and he watches me and I don't even flinch. It burns like heaven. He knocks back his shot after me a I see him make a bit of a face but he holds it.
"You were saying?" I say to him and he smirks at me again. He shrugs and looks at me dumbfounded a little that I didn't react to it burning me at all. I turn back to the fridge and pour myself another one. I look back at him and offer him another as well.
"Sure.. but that's it... I can't get too fucked up before the show..." He says and holds out his shot glass while I pour some more for him.
" Ok," I say as I turn to face him, clinking my glass to his and we both knock back our drinks. He still makes a slight face but I show nothing and turn back to set the glass on the table. I have to admit, those 2 shots did take the edge off a bit.
•••
We arrive at The Velvet Underground early and head to the backstage area. The bar hadn't even opened up yet at it was still only 7pm. Chris finds our way back to the dressing room which consisted of a lounge area, a mini bar, and a full ensuite bathroom and shower. Kim walks in the door behind us and he greets Chris.
"Hey man," Kim smiles.
"Hey," Chris says.
"Andi!" Kim says excitedly to me and gives me a hug. He smells of beer and cigarettes mixed with his warm cologne.
"Hey" I laugh as he still hugs me while Chris walks over to the fridge for a beer and honestly I really needed this hug right now. I know Kim has no idea but a part of me wanted to crumble into a pile of broken pieces on the floor. Kim pulls away from me and smiles his biggest smile at me. He obviously has dipped into the beer this afternoon.
"Drink?" Kim asks me.
"Fuck yea," I laugh and he walks over to the bar fridge to grab a beer and he hands me one.
"Matt and Jason show up yet?" Kim asks Chris.
"No... well I haven't seen them, we just got here," Chris says as he watches me take off my jacket and take a drink of my beer.
"Cool... so what'd you guys do all day?" Kim asks and takes a sip.
"Uh... we went to see her mom... I met her for the first time today..." Chris takes a sip of his beer.
"Oooh how'd that go?" Kim asks eagerly.
"It was actually fine... Andi was worried for some reason... but her mom's really sweet... I was glad I was able to finally meet her," Chris says and takes a sip of his beer. I sit down in the corner of the couch and sip my beer as I try to not feel the way I feel right now. As more people arrive, members from Faith No More, and Voivod all join in the dressing room and I feel out of place like I want to run away. I want to run away and drink to make this feeling go away, and it sucks cause I can't talk about it right now. I don't want to ruin anything for Chris and the guys so I'm hiding it away.
A little bit goes by and Soundgarden isn't set to go on for another hour as Faith No More takes the stage. I still sit on the couch quietly, now on my third beer and I am starting to feel buzzed but not quite drunk yet. Chris is over on the other side of the room talking to one of the guys from Voivod and I see him shoot me a glance every once and a while and offering a smile while I sit on the couch and enjoy the feeling my beer is giving me. Kim then drops down beside me.
"Andi... how's it going?" He says and sips his beer. I look up at him and smirk.
"It's good," I sip my beer.
"You ok?" Kim asks.
"Yea why?" I lie.
"I don't know... I mean I'm all for quiet and reserved but, you just seem... like somethings on you're mind or something," Kim says as he looks at me.
"No... I'm ok," I lie.
"Ok well... I got your back you know that right? I mean we've all got your back," Kim says and I nod at him.
"Alright," Kim says and takes another sip as I look down at my nearly empty beer.
"I think I need another drink," I say and I get up from the couch and walk over to the mini bar fridge as Kim looks up at me for a second, then get up from the couch himself and heads over to Chris.
"Hey... uh... I think you should talk to Andi," Kim says and Chris turns to look at him. Chris looks over at me as I crack open another beer and take a sip.
"Why? What's wrong?" He says.
"I don't know... there's something going on with her... I can tell... she's really quiet tonight... but not her usual quiet... like different quiet... you know?" Kim says. Chris glances back over to me as I take another sip and lean against the table by myself.
"She seems ok to me..." Chris says and sips his beer.
"No man... you need to talk to her," Kim says a little worried. Chris takes the last sip of his beer and walks over in my direction.
"Hi baby," Chris says sweetly to me. I look up at him and he places a kiss on my forehead as he sets his empty bottle down on the table I was leaning on.
"Hey," I say quietly.
"You ok?" Chris asks.
"Yep..." – lie
Chris looks at me while I look straight ahead and then glance up at him again and half smile at him. He reaches up and brushes a few curls from my forehead and then brushes his index finger under my chin and gives me a smirk. I smile up at him and he leans down and presses his soft lips to mine. His lips touching mine make me feel like I'm worlds away from all that is bad and horrible right now and I wish we could just go back to Seattle and hide in his room and never come out.
"Ok guys... it's showtime!" Matt yells over everyone.
Chris pulls away from my lips and takes my hand and leads me out of the dressing room to the back stage area. Chris's guitar tech hands him his cherry-burst Gibson and he slings it over his shoulder while I follow him up to the stage. I move myself off to the side and Chris turns back to me and places another kiss on my lips. He pulls away from me and heads out onstage while I continue to drink my beer.
As Soundgarden plays through their set, this time they are on fire. Everything was going so smoothly and Chris was amazing. He'd look back every once and a while and see me just enjoying him performing and getting lost in the sound of his voice.
They finish their set with 'Beyond The Wheel' as I finish another beer and Chris leaves the stage while Kim does his feedback noise. As usual, Chris is bare chested with only his shorts, and soaking wet from water and sweat.
Chris heads down the stairs of the stage and I follow him as he walks back to the dressing room. At this point I do feel a little drunk and I am a little unstable but not incoherent so as I follow Chris back to the dressing room, I swerve a little into the wall and crack up laughing. Chris looks back at me and stops as he wonders what the fuck happened.
"Andi... what the- ?" He laughs.
"Sorry... sorry no I'm good... it's all good..." I say as I move myself from the wall and attempt to walk straight. Chris walks back over to me and takes my hand.
"Are you alright babe?" Chris laughs.
"Yes... yes I'm alright," I say unintentionally frustrated. Chris's smile fades as he sees me regain my balance and I'm ok now to walk straight. I see Matt, Jason and Kim head down off the the stage and they see us in the hallway.
"Fuck yea! That was awesome!" Kim exclaims and they head back to the dressing room.
"Babe... let me help you," Chris says as he takes my hand and tries to guide me down the hallway.
"Fuck Chris... I'm fine... I'm fine," I retort a little slurred and Chris gives me a stern look.
"Fuck... alright I'll leave you alone then," Chris says as he drops my hand and throws his hands up and walks away from me down the hall.
"Chris!" I call to him but he heads into the dressing room.
"Fuck me," I say disappointed in myself. I'm fucking drunk in the hallway all by myself. I rub my eyes and decide to walk back to towards the dressing room to grab my jacket. I need to get back to the hotel room. I walk a little unbalanced back to the dressing room and open the door.
"Andi...! Hey!" Kim smiles at me and I half smile back. Chris, who was standing over by the mini bar fridge, downs his beer and then opens the fridge to crack open a new one.
"Hi," I smile at Kim.
"Come here... come sit down by me," Kim says as he pats the space beside him on the couch. Chris gives me a look and looks at Kim and takes a swig of his beer.
"No it's ok.. I'm just going to go back to the hotel room," I say trying desperately not to slur my words. I have no idea if I sounded fine or not. To me I sounded fine but who knows how it actually came out. I walk over to the chair where my jacket was and I stumble a little once again but Chris runs over and catches me.
"Whoa.. whoa babe I got you," He says as he helps me up and stables me.
"I need to go," I slur, I'm so embarrassed and I hate myself right now.
"I'll take you back to the room ok?" Chris says and I nod. I feel everyone looking at me and it feels like they're judging me which makes me feel even worse. Kim gets up and grabs Chris a shirt and his leather jacket.
"Thanks," Chris smiles at him sheepishly.
"No problem man," Kim says. Chris quickly throws his black 90 shirt on and his jacket and then helps me out the door.
We make it outside at the back of The Velvet Underground to help avoid the crowd that was busy leaving and we take the back way around to the hotel. Just when I think I'm ok to walk on my own, I stumble again and Chris catches me.
We get to the hotel room and he helps me inside. He leads me over to the bed and I sit down. He moves back to the door to close it and I flop myself back on the bed.
"Baby... don't lay on your back... here..." He says as he walks over to me and helps me roll on to my side.
"Chris... I'm ok..." I slur sleepily and sit myself up as he kneels down in front of me.
"Babe... just relax, I got you," He says so sweetly.
"You know... I haven't been this drunk in a long time... I wish I was able to hang out though..." I slur.
"Baby... it's ok..." He says as he unties my Doc Marten's for me.
"No it's not ok... I shouldn't have drank as much as I did... I ruined it... I ruined everything," I slur sadly.
"Andrea you didn't ruin anything..."
"I embarrassed myself..."
"Trust me, no one is going to care tomorrow... it's ok," He says to me.
"I just wanted to feel better... I just wanted to forget... I didn't want to think about it anymore and I just didn't want to feel anymore..." I start to cry. Chris looks up at me with a worried look as he pulls off my boot.
"Baby... what are you talking about?" He asks me concerned.
"My mom..." I sob and he still looks confused at me.
"What about your mom...?"
"She's dying... she's..." I confess and sob uncontrollably. He reaches up and takes me in his arms and I collapse in uncontrollable pain and heartbreak. He leans back and sits down on the floor as he holds me to him while I cry loudly and uncontrollably, my cheek pressed against his chest. He hushes me as he holds me and I continue to sob not being able to stop.
"Baby, just breathe... you gotta breathe.." he says as I can't control my sobbing. I cry harder than I ever have before and of course it's amplified by the fact that I'm drunk off my face, but I can't stop it. It just poured out of me all at once and once the damn broke, there was no turning back.
"Baby... I'm so sorry..." Chris soothes and it sounds like he's starting to cry. I finally slow down and regain control of myself, trying to just breathe and not make myself hyperventilate. I push myself off his chest and he looks at me, brushing my matted hair away from my cheeks.
"I've been holding it in all day... but it didn't work... and the only thing I could think to do was drink to make myself feel better... but obviously that didn't work..."
"Why didn't you say anything?" He asks me.
"I didn't want to ruin anything, I didn't want you to focus on me when I know you had a show tonight.." I say as I reach up and wipe my cheeks. Chris closes his eyes for a second and then opens them to looks at me.
"Babe... you wouldn't have ruined anything... was it when I went down to warm the car up? Did she tell you then?" He asks.
"Yea... she's been diagnosed with Leukaemia... I think she said it's Acute Myeloid Leukaemia... She um... she's going through treatment right now but there's no cure for it... so the treatment is just to give her some more time... to... um figure out arrangements and... she's got maybe 6 more months to a year with treatment... but without she will only have maybe... 6 weeks..." I start to cry again.
"Shhhh... don't say anything more," Chris hushes me. I close my eyes as the tears roll down my face.
"What am I gonna do...? What am I gonna do without my mom...?" I cry and Chris takes me back into his arms and just holds me while I cry.