"I'm Still Here" - Sia
Nikki's POV
November 17, 2016 (Los Angeles)
"DAMMIT! You're offbeat again, Ian!" The music came to a halt and my guitarist, Rachel, gave me a look.
"Ugh, sorry...I know it's me. Everybody take 5 while I go over there and contemplate life." I say dramatically while putting my mic back on the stand.
My bandmates whisper amongst themselves as I grab my water bottle and sit on the edge of stage, my little legs swinging and dangling off the side. My album is being released tomorrow. I have a pop up show at The Forum tomorrow—it was announced 6 days ago and sold out in minutes. My 29th birthday is tomorrow. I felt the pressure and was tense beyond belief. It's good to be nervous, right?
A ginger ale is tossed into my lap. I look over to find my bassist, Gwen, on my right and Rachel on my left.
"You look like you're about to vomit, sweetie." Gwen's golden hair was blinding. She looks like this sweet little angel, but on the bass she gives it to ya hot. There's not a doubt in my mind that she's
amazing in the bedroom; she fucks everyone with that bass like their her bitches.
Rachel and I quickly became inseparable while making this album. She's the goofiest in the band and her love of Ikea matches any kid's love for Disney World. She cheered me up the most during my breakup with Harry...her and Taylor of course. The two could be sisters with their towering height and dorkiness.
"Still not getting laid?" Rachel questions bluntly and I smack her shoulder.
"Shut up! If Ian hears—"
"Oh my GOD. How are you not riding that green-eyed stallion everyday at least FIVE times a day?! He's the most healthy food group!" The oh-so-sassy but also oh-so-lovable gayest drummer ever, tossed his drumsticks to the ground and scurried over.
"It's...complicated." I mumble with my hand over my face in embarrassment. "It's been weird every since...you know..."
"Oh, honey. That's nothing to be ashamed of." Gwen hugs me. "I miscarried three times before I had my daughter. It can be really hard on a relationship for awhile."
"Bad advice, G. You still got divorced." Rachel points out.
"That's not WHY we got divorced. He was nailing the nanny!" Gwen sighs.
"You were too hot for that weasel. Anyway, back to not riding the green-eyed stallion...what's the deal? You could use the stress relief, Samson." Ian taps his foot, waiting for my real excuse.
It's weird to describe why it has been hard for me to be intimate with Harry. In all honesty, I've come a long way in the past couple of weeks. I've initiated some hot make out sessions, but I stop before he gets too handsy. I've also woken him up with his cock in my mouth on more than one occasion, but when he touches me intimately I freeze up. It upsets him even though I know he tries not to show it.
I usually love when he touches me without asking and shows me how much he wants me. I love the spontaneity of him necking me in the early morning hours, his hand deliberately cupping me, massaging me with his palm as he waits for my moan of approval to slip a finger inside.
What's wrong with me? It has been almost 2 months since we've had sex.
"I feel dirty, I guess. I don't know. Sorry I snapped at you, Ian."
"It's okay, ya big diva." He winks. "You should show more skin to get the libido flowing...what's this frumpy thing you're wearing?!"
"It's not frumpy! It's Dior, I think. Also, there is nothing wrong with my libido. I wanna ride the green-eyed stallion to the moon."
A chorus of 'yaaaay' is heard all around.
"BUT while my mind wants to, my body is traumatized and recoils. It's so frustrating!" I sniffle. "Why am I crying?!" I start bawling my eyes out.
"Because you've been bottling this all up inside and you're more stressed than my mom shopping at JCPenney on Black Friday!" Rachel waves the keyboardist, Elvira, over.
She hands me one of her rainbow tissues. Sweet Elvira is from Brazil and is the most colorful person I've ever met. Looks are deceiving, though. She's all cotton candy until you piss her off. I've known her a longtime since we went to university together.
"What happened?" Elvira joins the group hug that has formed. It was nice to be surrounded my warm, genuine people. They were also a crazy talented bunch. Despite the difficult year, I'm so incredibly lucky. It's time to be selfish and love myself by getting rid of all the negative shit in my life.
"I love you guys." I sniffle again.
"Hey, so the reason I was offbeat... because it was actually ME and not YOU..." Ian grins guiltily.
Eye rolls all around.
"It's because I thought of a name for us! REIGN!"
We all blink at him in confusion.
"Ahem, like long may she REIGN? Like a queen? R-E-I-G-N is all of our names! Come on people!" His hands fly into the air.
"Ooooh!" The girls and I nod at each other.
"It's okay. I guess." I say with a shrug.
Ian kicks his drumsticks and we all giggle at his temper tantrum.
"I'm kidding! It's perfect! Speaking of perfect..." I see Harry walk out onto the stage with my favorite tea in his hand. He just flew in and here he was sleepy and jet lagged.
The girls size Harry up and Ian looks at at him like he's the most delicious Christmas dinner and you have to wait until everyone gets their food AND say grace before you can chow down.
Down boy, he's all mine.
The girls are still latched onto me like protective mother hens. I forgot that I was ugly crying a moment ago and my make up must look like a hot mess. As if reading my mind, Gwen wipes my cheeks with a clean tissue.
"Go get him, cowgirl!" Rachel helps me up.
I run over to him like I hadn't seen him in months. In reality, it had been less than a week. He had some work commitments before he could fly out to LA. I feel the stress temporarily leave my body the moment his arms wrap around me.
"Hi baby, miss me?" He teases, but I feel him smell my hair. It's
something he always does when we are apart for some time.
"I always miss you." I breathed in his cologne, knowing full well that he must've freshened up after he got off the plane. He knows how much I love the smell of that Tom Ford cologne.
"Were you crying?" He pecks me on the lips quickly, aware of my band that's looking at us like the prize exhibit in a zoo.
"I'm just stressed out. You're here now and you got me my tea." I giggle and take it from him.
"Milky and gross. Just how you like it." I poke him in his tummy for insulting my taste in tea for the millionth time. He kisses my
forehead, lingering there before breaking into a fit of giggles. "This guy is staring at me way too intensely. Should I be scared?"
"That's IAN, my drummer." I say a bit too loudly to embarrass Ian. He turns bright red and goes to lean on something, but falls over. "He thinks you're a green-eyed stallion!"
The girls and I laugh at his expense.
"Stallion?" Harry raises his eyebrows. "That's a first."
"I highly doubt that." Rachel rolls her eyes.
I take Harry's hand and walk over to my girls. I introduce him and snicker at how Elvira looks weary of him. It was the same way Sarah looked at me when I first met her. I'm sure she'll warm up to him.
"Hiii, I'm Harry." He does a little wave and rubs his eye.
"We know." Gwen flips her hair to one side. "Nice boots. That's totally El's style."
I look down and smile at Harry's old metallic silver boots. He rubs the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable by Elvira's hardened stare.
"Where you get them?" Her Brazilian accent makes her sound even angrier.
"Uhh their custom." He smiles sheepishly.
"Hmph." Elvira crosses her arms.
"Uh, darling? Are you nearly done?" Harry asks.
"Yeah, wait no. Shit, I have to film a tour promo thing. It'll be quick, I think." I smile apologetically. As if on cue, a film crew walks in and starts putting together a small set up on stage. "I'm performing the tour anthem and announcing the tour. If you wanna go home and sleep..."
"No, I wanna watch. You have a tour anthem?" He genuinely looks interested and I could melt at the sight. Where has he been all my life?
"It's a song that's not on the album. I recorded it after I finished it, but the song really fits with everything and my life at the moment. You'll see!" I run around the stage in excitement, a much needed change from my stressed out bitchiness from earlier. I greet the film crew and give them some input of how I want it all to look. I'm a bit of a control freak, but I try to be polite and professional as possible.
Harry's sat front and center in the pit with a huge grin on his face. I realize that this is a rare moment because at the actual concerts he really couldn't be in the pit like that in less he was surrounded by 20 security guards. The thought of performing with him right in front of me is making my heart flutter.
We decide to film the interview first. Harry's able to hear everything from all of the mics on stage. He's on the edge of his seat with his elbow resting on his leg, chin in hand. His tired eyes are sparkling with pride.
"Nicole Samson, or is it Nikki?" The interviewer laughs.
"Whatever you want," I laugh. "I suppose I'm most comfortable with Nikki. It's what my family and friends call me."
"A lot of people call you Queen, too."
I shyly nod.
"Thanks to Alexander McQueen. He dressed me like royalty. He sent me to my first Grammy's with a crown on my head. It was a bit ridiculous, but he said that one day I will feel like the queen I am."
"And do you now?" The interviewer asks.
"I do in a lot of ways. I've overcome a lot and learned to hold my head up high. I suppose I can walk and talk better than when I first started my career. McQueen really helped shape me not just in a fashion sense because I truly didn't have any when I entered the industry, but he also helped shape me as an artist and a person. I rebelled against any form of media training and looked to him for everything."
"Before his death he referred to you and Lady Gaga as his muses. I suppose he was your muse, as well. You dedicated a song to him on your album?" The interviewer crosses his legs.
"Yes, it's called "Shampain." It's one of my favorites from the album. Any time I would complain he would tell me to wash down my shame and pain with champagne...as a joke, of course. I was only 16!" I laugh.
We went on to talk about the creative process behind the album. I explained that it was the easiest album creatively because I was able to completely be myself. It was only difficult emotionally and mentally since I was exposing all of me for the first time.
"I didn't dream of becoming a goth metal musician. It's very thematic and moody, ya know what I mean? I had this long, dark hair and innocent but somewhat Wednesday Addams-esque appearance that made my team want to project that as my persona." I paused to reflect.
"It ended up putting me in a box creatively, but I don't regret any of it. I'm very proud of what Within Temptation achieved. I'm lucky to be able to take over the reins and show the world the real me. This all looks glamorous and all, but my life hasn't been a cakewalk. Sometimes the glittery lights are a smoke screen."
The interviewer was very thought provoking with his questions. I respected him for not asking the same mundane shit. I was really able to talk about what I wanted and address important topics.
"You're performing an impromptu show here at The Forum tomorrow night. It's a big night! Your album drops and it's the big 2-9! Any major tour plans in the works?"
"I'm excited to announce that I have an arena and stadium tour planned! As of right now we have around 75 shows scheduled. My first show will be in London on February 5th! It's called the 'I'm Still Here' tour based off a song that's not on the album, but it will be released as a single at the end of the year. The last year of my 20's will be my biggest yet!" I giddily tap my foot.
"Wow, that all sounds exciting! Good luck on a successful tour, although I'm sure you won't need it with how fast the tickets sold for the show tomorrow night!"
"What can I say? I have the best fans in the entire world! Everyone come out and see me!" I throw my hands up on the air.
After the interview, I performed "Angel By the Wings" and "I'm Still Here." I had filmed the video weeks ago for "Angel By the Wings" and it was positively received with millions of views on YouTube much to my relief because it wasn't a flashy video by any means.
The concept was simple. It was just me in the countryside of northern England. The video started in black and white and became more of golden hue as the song kept building. White feathers were everywhere like I was a fallen angel. I remember how cold it was, but I felt nothing. I was numb at the time. Harry was upset about me working so much but it would've been much worse if I had stayed home and wallowed in my self pity and misery.
It funny, but I'm more nervous performing for several people versus thousands. I focused on Harry when I performed. My heart fluttered in time with the beat. I stood there with just me and my voice. This was new for me since I usually had a guitar or sat the piano. It's a much more vulnerable experience to perform this way.
I'm fighting a battle
I'm fighting my shadow
Herd fears like they're cattle
I'm fighting a battle, yeah
I'm fighting my ego
Lost youth, where did we go wrong?
I'm fighting for me, though
I'm lighting the long way home
Oh, the past it haunted me
Oh, the past it wanted me dead
Oh, the past tormented me
Oh, the past it wanted me dead
Oh, the past it haunted me
Oh, the past it wanted me dead
Oh, the past tormented me
But the battle was lost
'Cause I'm still here
I'm winning the war now
I'm winning it all now
Watch tears while they fall down
I'm winning the war now
I win against ego
Cast light on the shadow's long
I'm winning from ego
I'm lighting the long way home
Oh, the past it haunted me
Oh, the past it wanted me dead
Oh, the past tormented me
Oh, the past it wanted me dead
Oh, the past it haunted me
Oh, the past it wanted me dead
Oh, the past tormented me
But the battle was lost
'Cause I'm still here
it's hauntin' me
Oh, the past it wanted me dead
Oh, the past, it's hauntin' me
Oh, the past it wanted me dead
Oh, the past it's hauntin' me
Oh, the past it wanted me dead
Oh, the past tormented me
But the battle was lost
'Cause I'm still here
I'm fighting my ego
Lost youth, where did we go wrong?
I'm winning for me, though
I'm lighting the long way home
Oh, the past it haunted me
Oh, the past it wanted me dead
Oh, the past tormented me
Oh, the past it wanted me dead
Oh, the past it haunted me
Oh, the past it wanted me dead
Oh, the past tormented me
But the battle was lost
'Cause I'm still here
it's hauntin' me
Oh, the past it wanted me dead
Oh, the past it's hauntin' me
Oh, the past it wanted me dead
Oh, the past it's hauntin' me
Oh, the past it wanted me dead
Oh, the past tormented me
But the battle was lost
'Cause I'm still here
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Harry's POV
I kept glancing over at my girlfriend as I drove us home. She has the rest of the night free before her big day tomorrow. She has a taping with the Late, Late Show during the day then her concert in the evening. I wasn't going to get her to myself much after tomorrow. I'm so proud of her, but I'm also secretly pouting.
"Why are you staring at me? Eyes on the road, monkey man." Nikki squeezes my thigh.
"Mmph." I grip the steering wheel until my knuckles turn white. The need to touch her and love on her is getting overwhelming. She's hiding her toned little body under that potato sack—I'll have to tease her about that later.
"I changed my barbells to these cute diamond ones, see?" She lifts her shirt to show me her pretty, pink nipples adorned with little sparkles. I salivate and also nearly swerve off the road.
"Fucking hell, Nikki! Put your top down! The paps could see!" I snap and pull her top down.
"Sorry..." She wraps her arms around herself and turns away from me to look at the window.
No. I swear to every God there is, if she pulls away from me again I'm going to lose my shit.
"They're pretty and sexy, but I'm driving, okay?" There. Reasonable explanation for my man period mood swing.
No answer.
"Angel?"
Nothing.
"Nikki?"
Nada.
I grunt and turn on the radio. Her song is playing. I go to turn it up, but she switches the station. Taylor Swift crooning out "Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see" rings from the speakers and I switch it back.
"You're right, my song is better." Nikki looks over and we both laugh. At least this cuts the tension until we get to the house.
+
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"Go on and head upstairs. I'm gonna feed Suzie." She pecks me on the lips then turns to walk into the kitchen, but I spin her around to kiss her properly for the first time in days. I pin her against the wall next to the stairs and moan against her mouth, both relieved and turned on that she's kissing me back just as passionately. I felt absolutely desperate for her.
"Fuck, Harry..." She wraps her legs around my waist. My cock fattens as I shamelessly grind my hips into her. We're breathless and sloppy. I can feel her desperation mingling with my own. I need her to stop pulling away because if we don't fix this now we'll fall apart again.
"Let me take care of you, please? Wanna love on yeh..." I place open mouthed kisses down her neck, pulling her baggy top off her shoulder to suck and nibble on that gorgeous collarbone.
She moans in response and I feel her hands unbuttoning my jeans.
"No, Nikki. Let me touch you. You always distract me with that pretty mouth on my cock. I know what you're doing." I carry her to the sofa, pinning her underneath me. "Stop punishing yourself..."
She slowly nods. Her body is shivering with want. Those chocolate brown eyes are fucked out. She's on edge and ready to come apart.
"I'm just scared. I know I have the IUD now, but I keep having nightmares that something bad will happen." Nikki finally says what she has been keeping from me, but I know her. I know she's been scared, hell so have I.
"We just need to be more careful. I'll use a condom if you want. I bought a few boxes..."
"Boxes?" She giggles. "Please tell me you didn't walk into a store and—"
"Oh, hell no! Amazon, baby. C'mon now. Don't get me off topic." I bite my lip with an idea churning in my head.
"Sex me. I mean, let's have sex. Wow. I'm so unsexy right now." Nikki groans. "Still want me?"
"Always." I blow a raspberry on her stomach. "But first, make yourself cum. You deserve pleasure, I wanna know that you know that." I sit back and get comfortable. I can't help but chuckle at her muttering under her breath about how I just like watching and this is a scam.
"At least be a gentleman and take my trousers off!" She nudges me with her toe.
"Oh, nooow you want me to be a gentleman." I roll my eyes and and watch her watching me tug her trousers down. "I do love to watch you, I mean...have you seen yourself? Look in a mirror lately?"
"Yeah, yeah you think I'm pretty." It's her turn to roll her eyes.
"Not with that horrendous potato sack on!" I make a face at her top.
"Shut up! This is comfortable! I like it...it's feminine and flowy." She raises her arms up so I can remove it. I toss it across the living room and it lands on the TV.
"I'm only teasing...I don't care what you wear because I get to see you naked." I latch my mouth around one of her rosy pink nipples, sucking and tugging. She gasps and arches up towards my mouth. I couldn't wait to touch her with her perfect sparkly tits in my face. I blew cool air across her beaded nipple before repeating the same actions on her other one, trailing just my index finger down to her panties.
My poor girl is soaked through.
"Mmm soaking through your panties, my darling." She was still tensing a little when I touched her here. I kissed down to her lower belly. "Relax, baby. You're okay. I've got you."
"St-stay there and watch me." Nikki's breaths are shaky as she holds one of my hands in hers and brings her other hand down to pull her underwear down. I help pull them all the way down her legs and smile softly when she brings her fingers to my lips. I suck them into my mouth to get them nice and wet, bobbing my head up and down a few times.
She squeezes her thighs together while watching me and I slowly push them apart. She brings her fingers to her clit, rubbing in slow circles. I lean in close and place soft, sensual kisses on her inner thighs.
"Oooh, I do deserve this. F-feels so fucking good."
Hearing her self praise and feeling her body relax was a new found turn on. I had to free my cock from tight jeans and use my precum to stroke myself.
"Feels good loving on yourself, hm? I've missed this perfect cunt. Let me have a taste when you cum, hmm? Let me dip my tongue inside?" I hold my tongue out right in front of her pussy, waiting for my turn to have her.
The visual sent her over the edge. I knew with how swollen her clit was and the creaminess of her pussy she was already so close. I was probably just about drooling at the sight.
"Oh fuck! Now! Fuck!" She lets go of my other hand and holds the back of my head. Her hips rise up to meet my tongue and I swirl my tongue inside of her as she shakes through her long deserved orgasm. Her taste has me growling against her with ravenous slurps then going up to tenderly flick her clit. I look up at her in her afterglow, pleased at her still moving with my tongue.
"This okay?" I ask gently.
"It's perfect. I need you...been so long...please?" She eagerly sits up. "Take me upstairs. Suzie is watching and I know you hate th—Ahh!" I carry her bridal style upstairs with my pants at my ankles before she can finish her sentence.
•••
Sorry I haven't updated in so long! I haven't been on Wattpad much and the inspiration was dry there for a bit. I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays! I've eaten way too much pie! Haha
I keep you all updated on Instagram if you're not already following me at Scene_d_amour! ❤️ And of course follow me on here, as well! 🙏
Love you all!
- X