Jordan and Giselle
A couple days after his conversation with Devyn and me begging him to tell me how it went, Jordan finally decided to tell me about it and to say I was pissed was an understatement. How could he be so dumb and let his emotions get the best of him and say some stupid shit like " Don't call me for shit"!? That was the last thing he needed to hear only further pushing him into the black whole with these no good ass friends he has.
You best believe I cussed his ass out royally. I was so heated I almost forgot about my appointment with Dr. Jackie. Jordan damn near begged for my forgiveness and told me he gave Sincere the job of being head of Devyn's security team. I felt a little bit better knowing someone had eyes on my brother and would watch out for him. Unfortunately my darling mother called and we had to tell her about the conversation that happened at Shawn's house.
After having our ass's chewed by her I was finally able to make it out the door. It was never fun getting chastised by my mother especially at the lovely age of thirty. The verbal lashing she gave my husband was one he'd never forget. I guess being called an Impetuous Shithead! Was enough for him to think before he speaks in regards to Devyn.
About fourty-five minutes after leaving my house I was on the table in Dr. Jackie's office. Jordan and I had been trying for a baby for awhile and just wanted to make sure everything was alright with me. Like Jordan said even with Bakari it took a few tries before he came along so it was probably nothing. If anything we just needed to stop putting pressure on the both of us to have another kid and it will probably happen.
I didn't think much of it when she decided to run some test during my check-up. That was until she came into the room with a worried look on her face.
"No! No! No!....This can't be right!" She said as she held what I presumed to be my test results. Now exactly what I was being tested on was unbeknownst to me.
"What is it Doc!?" I asked.
"Oh! Gosh don't tell me I'm pregnant with twins. That's what get for making a big fuss about trying to get pregnant." I joked trying to lighten the mood. But Jackie's sad demeanor never wavered as she reached out for my hand with tears building up in her eyes. Through a shaky voice she delivered some of the worst news I had ever gotten.
*****
I hadn't stopped crying from the time she gave me the news till the time I made it home around 6:30pm. I couldn't bring myself to come home right after so I texted Jordan an exscuse and told him something came up at the club and I'd see him later. I took that time to sit near Piedmont park and cry in my car as Tamela Mann played.
Truth is I'm weak
No strength to fight
No tears to cry
Even if I tried
But still my soul
Refuses to die
One touch-will change-my life.
Take me to the king
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn into pieces
It's my offering.
My heart ached from the news that was delivered to me hours ago. But I wasn't ready to deal with having to discuss it just yet because telling someone would only make it more real. I shoved all of the pamphlets Dr. Jackie gave me in my purse not to alarm Jordan. All of his cars were still in the garage and driveway so I knew he was home.
Sincere and Chanel usually went out around this time so they could give us our space since we spent a lot of time together in the house since they moved in until they found their own home. We told them they didn't have to always leave because we enjoyed their company but days like today I was grateful they didn't listen to us.
Coming in I could hear Jordan in the kitchen. Whatever he was cooking smelled amazing but my appetite was completely gone. I wasn't in the mood to talk and because Jordan and I were very attuned with one another I knew he would pick up on the fact that I wasn't ok immediately.
I tried my best to sneak past the kitchen where I heard him singing "Heard it through the grapevine" times like this would have loved to be in there with him cheering him on as he sung his heart out but I just couldn't break myself away from this dark cloud that loomed over me.
I had just made it to about the third to last step from the top when I saw Jordan dancing as he continued to sing . He smiled so big when he saw me with his love filled eyes and my heart melted.
"Hey baby I thought that was you. How was your appointment?"
Fucking horrible and I want to cry as we speak. Instead I just say "Fine."
"That's good. See I told you it was nothing. Maybe if we get little man in bed early enough we can do a little something tonight. Cool?"
Ugh that was the last thing I wanted. I simply just nodded at him ready to end this conversation right away.
"Well listen the food is ready you wanna eat?" He asked aiming his thumb in the direction of the kitchen.
"No I'm good. I'm just gonna sleep for now I'm not up to doing much right now."
"You sure? It's your favorite, Fried chicken nachos......Loaded!" He said with a smile.
"I said no Jordan, damn!!" I yelled.
"What part of no don't you understand!?"
"Baby I just-" he started but I interrupted him.
"Baby you just what!?" I mocked. "Leave me the hell alone. Let me go in the room before you tell me not to call you just cause I'm not feeling up to it. I'd hate to feel like Devyn right now!"
Fuck! Why did I just say that? Jordan's face crumbled as I said what I said. I didn't mean it at all. That was so fucked up of me because I knew how much Jordan was beating himself up about that situation especially thinking that now he would be the reason something happened to Dev because he no longer trusted Jordan to come to him if there was a problem.
Jordan scratched his head as he wore a sad and confused look on his face. I wanted nothing more then to just run down the steps and into his arms and tell him I'm sorry. Maybe if I explained what happened he'd understand why I'm so unhappy today. Just as I fix my lips to say something Bakari crys are heard from his playroom downstairs and Jordan quickly leaves to tend to our son with hurt plastered on his face.
I run into our room and shut the door as fresh tears begin to fall. Everything about today was just going straight to shit. I go in the bathroom and turn on the shower. The water was scolding once I got in. The hot water was nothing compared to the heartache I felt right now.
I sat on the bench inside our shower with my knees close to my chest and my arms wrapped around them and let out the most gut wrenching cry ever. There was so much pain and sadness behind it, I could just feel my energy and strength draining from my body.
After about an our I willed myself out and changed into one of Jordan's hoodies. In bed I cried myself to sleep as the weight of the world fell upon me.
I knew Jordan was trying to avoid me because I didn't hear him stirring around in the room until about 4:00am. Whereas any other day Jordan would be in bed by 10:0opm or midnight at the latest. Jordan would always make it a point to kiss me even we were mad at each other but tonight was different. He slept a good distance away and had his back turned to me.
Feeling the coldness in the room I got up out the bed and wondered into the hall. I decided to go into Bakari's room. I sat in one of the chairs in his room watching him sleep so peacefully. So unaware that mommy was going through it.
Just a month ago I was so happy with my life. I had the perfect husband and the perfect son. I had several successful businesses and after a small rough patch my friends and I were close as we were before.
But the news I recieved today flipped my entire world on it's ass and now I'm completely broken. And because I feel the way I feel I hurt my husband who didn't deserve how I lashed out at him and now that's just added fuel to the fire. Ugh! I hate this shit so much.
I held Kari's favorite teddy bear close as tears began to flow down my cheeks.
"Why couldn't I just tell him?" I whispered to myself.
Why couldn't I tell my husband that today I found out that I could have Ovarian Cancer?
And how am I supposed to? God just make this all go away.