I’m so stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. How could I even think of such a thing? Him and me having…No. God no. Not now. Just a little earlier I thought I wasn’t ready but when he was on top of me, I just…I need to stop thinking about it.
I’m still embarrassed when the doorbell rings and Ashton quickly jumps off of me. I hastily make the bed, the cover is a mess and the pillows on the floor. I’m just out of my room when I stop myself in my tracks.
“What’s wrong?”
I hear concern in his voice.
“Nothing,” I lie.
I know I shouldn’t lie, he knows when I do.
“If it’s about your parents, don’t worry. You’ve done very well today. You really shouldn’t worry.”
He puts his arm around me, pulling me closer, and I feel safe again. He just read my mind. Yes, I’m worried about them. I have a big lump in my stomach and I feel nervous. I know nothing will go back to normal. Even though they promised to start over, they won’t. I think they only said that because Ashton was there. But what will happen when Ashton can’t be here? I have to face them alone and that is soon. I don’t want to procrastinate it, even though I always end up doing that.
I hear the front door open. Who the hell rings the bell if they have a key?
“Hello?” Mom calls out.
“We’re up here,” I call back, surprised by my own voice.
“Are you feeling better, honey?”
Mom looks up to see me and Ashton staring back down at her, his arm around me.
I nod.
“That’s great,” her voice is uncertain. “And Ashton?”
“All good, Juliet.”
Since when are they on first name bases?
“Are you staying for dinner?”
I look up to him, pouting. There’s no way I’m eating alone with my parents. In that case, I won’t eat.
“You’re so cute,” he chuckles before raising his voice, his eyes still on me. “Yeah, I can stay.”
“Great! It’s still a little early but I’ll have the dinner ready by 7, when Mark gets home.”
“Do you need any help?” Ashton shouts back, his eyes still on me.
“I think I can manage, but thanks Ashton.”
If I had looked down that very second I would have seen mom smile and shake her head at us. But I don’t see that because all I see is Ashton.
“This is delicious, mom!"
Adam takes another bite of the fried salmon fillet. He normally doesn’t eat fish. He thinks it tastes the same way the ocean smells, and I agree with him. Salmon, however, is an exception.
“Don’t thank me, thank Ashton,” mom says and smiles at him.
Ashton ended up helping her in the end. He told me he was just going to bring us something to drink but when he didn’t return after 5 minutes, I crept out of my room and heard laughter in the kitchen. I kind of panicked, didn’t know what to do. Should I join them or should I stay here in my room, hoping he’d come back?
After another couple of minutes I decided to spy on them. It didn’t work that well. They heard me and mom embraced me in a hug. If it wasn’t for Ashton removing her from me, she’d suffocate me. That’s how tight she held me. Then she started crying and apologized for being a bad parent and I honestly felt sorry for her. Ashton had to calm her down and it was nice watching. Not my mom’s tears, but him being a gentleman, which made me like him even more.
I haven’t forgiven mom, but deep inside I feel like I will soon. There was something with her breaking down in front of me that got me thinking about it. She has suffered too, all because of me. Because I never said a word about my feelings. She was just worried, she still is.
So now we’re sitting here, me and Ashton next to each other, Adam across from me, mom next to him and dad next to mom, at the end.
“So you’re planning on becoming a chef, Ashton?” Dad asks.
“Not really. I just like to cook.”
“So what are your plans for the future?”
This will be interesting.
“Actually, I don’t really have a plan for the future. I just take life as it comes.”
I see both mom and dad taking his words in. They’re going to say something about how it’s good to have a plan and how he should start thinking about the future, even though he’s still this young.
“That’s one good answer.”
I drop my fork on the plate, making everyone turn their gaze to me, everyone except for Adam who’s too busy trying to catch a pea that keeps escaping his fork. Did dad just say it was a good answer? If I had said such a thing they would worry about me, ask me a thousand follow up questions.
“You okay?”
Ashton puts his hand over mine and I wonder where all of this is coming from, all these signs of affection. He acts as if we’re in a relationship. He keeps touching me gently, squeezing my hand, keeps joking with me and making sure there’s always a smile on my face. And every time he does any of these things, my heart is beating extra hard and I feel myself relax even more. He must know about it. He must know what affect he has on me.
“I’m good,” I say and pick up my fork again.
When I look back up, I notice mom staring at me with worry in her eyes. I smile back at her, trying to make her relax and she nods at me. However, I can still see there’s something in her eyes. Does she think Ashton is like me? I hope not. Because he’s not. Or is he? I look up at him, his face expression looks normal. Nothing hiding in his eyes and his smile is genuine.
The rest of the dinner is pretty slow. They ask Ashton a couple of more questions, but no one mentions my little breakdown. Dad looks at me from time to time, but I just smile back at him, a fake one, and he seems fine with that. Mom, on the other hand, shoots me glares all the time, but I just ignore her.
“Can we play Xbox now?” Adam grins at Ashton who just took his last bite. “Pleeeeeeease?”
“Adam,” Dad gives him a look.
“Alright, but Joselyn’s playing with us,” Ashton says after a moment of thinking and Adam’s smile widens.
“What? No,” I shake my head. “I can’t play.”
“Neither can I,” Ashton smirks at me “Come on, it’ll be fun.”
“Fine,” I mutter.
“Yes!”
Adam pushes his chair back and it falls to the floor, almost bringing his plate with him. He runs upstairs without putting the chair back, leaving the four of us laughing.
“You’ve gotta pass the ball, Ashton. What are you doing?"
“I’m trying! I’m trying! How does this thing even work?”
“Press left, press left!”
“I am!”
“That’s not left, that’s right!”
I laugh at them. We started playing Mario Kart and it was actually quite fun, until my hand started hurting and I quit. Now they’re playing FIFA. Well, Adam’s playing. Ashton’s just running around in circles chasing the ball.
“You suck,” Adam shakes his head.
“Excuse me? Maybe I’m just holding back.”
“We’re on the same team. If you really want us to win, you’ve gotta help us score 14 goals.”
“Oh. I thought that was our score,” Ashton blushes and I laugh even harder. “Hey! It’s not funny, you try!”
“Sorry, my hand,” I say and wave my hand in front of him.
“Yeah right, it hurts,” he says, emphasizing on the word hurts.
“It does,” I frown at him and swat his arm.
“I believe you.”
I know he doesn’t believe me, I can hear it in his voice. He raises an eyebrow at me when I shake my head. He pats the floor in front of him and when I reach the spot, he pulls me closer so I can sit on his lap.
“Let’s play together.”
He gives me the console and puts his hands over mine. His head is on my shoulder. I like this, him being this close to me, the warmth from him. I could stay here forever.
I don’t know how we manage to do it, but we actually score a goal. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy before. Not because I scored a goal with Ashton, or because Adam is thanking God, seriously doing some kind of prayer. But because Ashton wraps his arms around me and I feel his breath against my ear and I just know that this is where I belong.
“We make a good team,” he whispers.
I can’t do anything other than agree with him. Again, I can’t help but think how fast this has all gone. We aren’t dating, but it feels like it. Or at least I think it feels like it. I wouldn’t know. Is he supposed to ask me to be his girlfriend or is that just something you do when you’re a little kid?
“Less make out, more play out.”
“We weren’t…,” Ashton starts and all I can think about is play out. What is going on in this kid’s head?
“Sure, you weren’t,” Adam raises an eyebrow at us and I find it hard to believe he’s only 11. “Score again and you can kiss.”
I lean back a little, too embarrassed to say anything, and Ashton chuckles. I don’t dare look at him, but his cheeks are probably as heated up as mine.
Half a minute later we score again and Ashton turns me around so I can face him. Before I can say anything, he presses his lips against mine making me forget about Adam who’s probably making a face at us. Making me forget the console in my hand that I drop to the floor, and making me forget that I might still be sick. Damn, he’s got the softest lips in the world.
“Get a room,” Adam takes us back to reality and I feel Ashton smile against my lips.
“We’re already in a room,” Ashton replies, his eyes locked with mine, our lips only an inch or two apart.
“But this is my room, go get your own.”
But neither of us move. Instead I feel Ashton’s warm breathe brushing my lips and despite what Adam just told us, we kiss, again. And this time I let myself fall even deeper.
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