I was sitting on the steps to the altar when the guys arrived. My back was deliberately turned to the angel to avoid his judgey gaze and to make sure that Crazy Mary didn't return.
"It's about time you guys got here," I said. "I just had the weirdest encounter for the entire year. You didn't see a crazy looking Filipino lady outside did you?"
Stanley smirked.
"Locals getting you down Bobberino? They can be a little colourful down this side of town."
"You should have seen her. Really fucking weird." I looked from Stanley to Benjamin and the McDonald's bag in his hand. The smell of fries was assaulting me, promising to deliver the greasy saltiness that I remembered so well." Great to see you, Ben. Now gimme fries."
"Shouldn't you be out with the new girlfriend Sammy said you'd found yourself?" Stanley asked as I took the bag from Benjamin and opened it greedily.
"Dammit. I specifically told Sammy to say I was dead. Or Dying. Or both." I noticed something about the fries. "Wait, these are garlic and herb fries. I can't eat these."
"I don't think they use real garlic," Benjamin said. "It didn't affect us in the car, and I don't even like garlic to begin with."
"What the hell are you even doing here?" Natalie asked. "I thought we were supposed to meet Beatrice and we got you instead."
I smiled and turned around in the streaming light, fully aware of how dramatic it looked from where they were standing.
"Welcome to HQ two point oh," I said. "Ours with Beatrice's blessing. We don't even have to pay rent. Ignore the statue: he won't hurt you."
"Looks like he might," Benjamin said. "Why does he have to look so judgey?"
"I know, right?" I agreed.
"Gotta give her points for style," Frankie nodded. "Nobody would ever expect vampires to be meeting in a church."
"Dude, nobody expects vampires, period," Stanley said.
"As long as nobody has changed the rule about us bursting into flame, I'm okay with that," I said. "Wish they'd change the one about garlic. I was looking forward to those fries."
"You can have the rest of mine," Stanley offered and handed his container over.
"Did something happen with you and Beatrice?" Frankie wanted to know. "Last week you were firmly in the 'Beatrice can go to hell' camp, and now today you're Team Beatrice?"
"We... talked," I said as evasively as I dared. Natalie was giving me a look that let me know how many connections she was making and that she was about to reach a conclusion—
"Oh my God!" Natalie exclaimed. "You and Beatrice?"
Damn, that was fast. Sometimes having smart friends sucked.
"Yeah," I confirmed. "Me and Beatrice."
"You and Beatrice?" Stanley echoed in complete disbelief.
"Yes! Me and Beatrice!"
"Damn. I thought she had better taste."
"I'm going to have to ship you guys now," Natalie pondered, her eyes gleaming. "You can be the Brad and Angelina of Toronto vampires. Instead of Brangelina... BobaTrice? BeaBob?"
"Please don't ship us," I pleaded.
"Yeah, don't do that," Benjamin agreed. He glanced at Frankie, who just shrugged at him. "So this is a real thing then?"
"It's just a thing, okay?" I said, a little irritated. "Both of us are just playing it by ear right now, seeing where it goes. It's not like we're in a committed relationship or something."
"You remember she left you on a beach to burn to death, right?" Frankie said quietly.
"What the hell man? I thought you guys would be all happy that I'm finally agreeing to use Beatrice's place."
"Them, not me," Frankie pointed out helpfully. "I go where the wind blows. Beatrice doesn't trust me."
"Hey, I'm just happy that you're finally getting laid," Stanley said, "and with a total babe like Beatrice too. Man, I can only imagine the sex."
"Could you not do that? Please."
"Gross Stanley. Mega-gross." Natalie said.
"I'm not imagining you if it's any consolation," Stanley said.
"It isn't."
"I'll stop," Stanley said.
I could tell that he wasn't going to stop, no matter what he said.
"You need more syllables in your name," Natalie said distractedly. "Most of these ship names just don't work."
"Between you and Stanley, I seriously can't tell who is worse."
"Definitely me," Stanley said happily.
"What he said."
"I was being ironic. Look, can we just drop it? Both of you?" I turned on Frankie and Benjamin. "We're both adults. I'm sure we can figure out what we are or aren't."
"Look, Bob, I'm happy for you and everything, but you can't approach this as if Beatrice is an ordinary girl. I'm going to try to get through this without using the words: 'vicious killer,' but it's going to be really hard."
"Can we just not talk about my relationship?"
"Not when it affects all of us! You hating Beatrice is different from you being in a relationship with Beatrice. At least you could maintain distance and objectivity. You're already making excuses for all the bad shit she's done including how she left you on a beach to burn to death. How conflicted do you think you're going to be when she keeps on doing bad shit? Doing bad shit is what Beatrice does. She doesn't even have to be working for Harry; it's just her."
"You don't even know her—"
"And you do? Just because you're fucking her doesn't mean you suddenly know all of her secrets."
"You don't think I haven't gone through all of this in my head? Truthfully, Beatrice scares the shit out of me and being in any of relationship with her is terrifying, but at the same time, it's actually good on a different level. It like finally somebody gets me, sees me for all of my flaws and yet she still wants me. Why does that have to be a bad thing? Look, I promise to be extra careful. I'm very aware that she could literally tear me to pieces if things go bad, but right now we sorta have an agreement to just try to be good to each other."
"Just as long as your eyes are wide open. The last thing we need is you screwing this up and getting us all murdered because of some petty bullshit."
"I promise not to get you all killed because of my petty bullshit."
"Why do I suddenly feel like I'm about to get murdered for Bob's petty bullshit?" Frankie said with a shiver. "Spooky!"
"Well this meeting is turning out a lot deeper than we expected," Natalie chimed in with desperate cheer. "For a second there I thought you guys were going to be throwing punches."
"Just for the record, I don't think I'm ever going to be okay with this relationship," Benjamin said after a moment. He finished cleaning his glasses and put them back on his face. "Sorry man, but it scares the shit out of me to even think about it."
"What scares you so much?" Natalie asked tentatively. She reached out to squeeze Benjamin's shoulder. He just shook his head.
"You think this is long-term? Despite all of Bob's good intentions and good feelings, can you really see this lasting a year? I've seen this before and I know how it ends. My mom was all full of good feelings and convinced that love conquers all, but she still wound up dead, but that was only after two years of abuse and bullshit. The guy that killed her has got nothing on Beatrice. Nothing."
I didn't quite know what to say. How the hell do you respond to something like that without sounding like a complete idiot. Answer is: you don't.
"Dude, it's cool man. I got this—"
See what I mean?
Benjamin was shaking his head, his eyes dark as if looking at some distant internal memory.
"She left you to die on that beach. You burned. In your words: you burned like a motherfucker. That right there is all I ever need to know about Beatrice."
Silence.
Some things are best left unsaid.
"Well goddamn, that got really fucking heavy," Stanley spoke first and it was like he punctured the ball of tension that had built up all around us. The others laughed, more out of relief than finding anything funny. I even found myself smiling.
Stanley continued. "Look, I say if we're going to do this, we gotta lay down some rules. Otherwise, we gotta find a new place."
"I gotta admit the church is pretty damn awesome," Benjamin conceded.
I was hopeful.
"So are we going to have a meeting or what?"