chapter eleven • 3:21am
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The nurse came in, "The psychiatrist is ready, Mrs. McVey."
"Shit..." I whispered lowly as Luke and I both stood up. Fuck. Damn. Shit. Why did Luke have to kiss me? Calum had to know, I had to tell him, right? Calum is just so jelous and we just got together and I already kind of cheated on him. God, I suck so much. Luke's expression dropped, he frowned and nodded. "Luke, uh, bye.."
"Follow me," The nurse said turning around. I waved a goodbye to Luke and he waved back, still frowning.
I wanted so much to make everyone happy, but that's not possible. Making everybody happy would be being Calum's girlfriend, Luke's girlfriend, and Michael's girlfriend all at the same time so they'd be happy. Also, it'd mean not being Calum's girlfriend so Cianna would be happy. It was impossible, and kind of disgusting. Making myself happy was a priority. If I didn't want to be a mess of sadness and anger anymore, and although that wouldn't change soon, I knew to be happier sometimes I'd have to put my best interests over others.
That's were Calum came in. He was what was best for me. He truly cared about me and it showed through his actions. He voluntarily stayed with, awake for more than forty eight hours. Of course, he could be a major dick sometimes but behind his jelousy he did care. He made me happy, I made him happy. Calum was the best person for me to be with right now, and I was planning to stay with him.
"Here we go," The nurse said opening a door and motioning me to go in. "I'll come back when it's over."
Bullshit your way through this, I reminded myself, You're not going to a mental hospital.
"Ms. McVey, I'm Dr. Torres, lets see what we have here," The psychiatrist said flipping through papers. "Okay, attempted overdose, self harm scars, major depression, that's it..."
I nodded.
"Tell me, why did you attempt suicide?" Dr. Torres asked holding a notepad.
"I don't know... I was sad I guess. I'd never do it again." Bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit.
"Good to hear. So you say you regret it?" He asked and I nodded quickly, making it seem as I regretted it more than I did. "Why do you regret it?"
Damn, I didn't prepare for this one. I stayed silent trying to this of an excuse before I found one. "I regret it because, well many reasons. For one, my boyfriend, Calum, I could never leave him. He's my everything. Two, attempting opened my eyes... I now realise life is so beautiful and I still have so much to see and to learn, so many people to meet... It was a bad idea." I mentally laughed, the only part of that that was true was the Calum part. I'd still kill myself if given the chance. Maybe right now, I wasn't as eager to do it as before, but give me a gun, and I'll point it at myself and pull the trigger without a second thought.
"True, you have so much to live for. It's good that you realise that, we won't have many problems. Tell me about Calum. Is he the blonde boy?" Dr. Torres asked.
I shook my head, "He's the brown hair, brown eyes boy." The doctor motioned me to keep talking, and I did. "He's the sweetest boy you'll ever meet, but he can get sassy. He gets jelous easily... And quickly acts upon his jelousy, but he does it out of love. So, he can be a dick sometime but he's the most caring boy you'll ever meet. He's always there if you need him, anytime of day. Oh, he's talented! He plays bass and he sings... He has the voice of an angel. He weird in a good way. He's annoying, but you never get annoyed of him, if that makes sense."
"You seem to really love him." He said and I couldn't hold back a goofy smile.
"I do."
"I can tell he really loves you too." Dr. Torres said, I grinned even wider and we continued. "Moving on to... Self-harm. Why do you do it? Do you still do it?"
"I did it because I was sad and it made me less sad. That's it. I don't do it anymore, actually Calum was the one who helped me quit." I said. The whole sentence was a lie. There were so many more reasons I self-harmed. And I hadn't stopped, Calum doesn't even know I self-harm. I only said because I knew the doctor would believe me.
We went through a few simple questions, he asked about my family, childhood, and future plans. I made everything up, I made it seem like I had the perfect family and childhood and had my life planned out. And he believed me.
"Well... You seem to be doing great. As long as you take the anti-depressants you should be good to good. Semi-daily therapy at your university, remember." Dr. Torred said handing me a paper with the exact same thing written on it. He rang the nurse and she came to take me back.
"Which is your boyfriend?" The nurse asked. I looked over and raised her eyebrow. "Blonde or brunette?"
"The brunette... Why?"
"They're both hotties," She said with a shrug. She was young, maybe eighteen. She had long brown hair and green eyes. Skinny, as a stick. "Maybe you could put a word in for me to blonde boy?"
I snorted, "Okay."
We reached my room and she turned around, glancing quickly at Luke. Calum still wasn't back, so I made my way back to the bed, and Luke sat on the chair next to me.
"How'd it go?" Luke asked leaning back on the chair.
"Good, great it went great. I don't have to go to the rehab centre so that's great." I said making myself comfortable on the bed. "By the way, the nurse thinks you're hot."
"I am hot," Luke said with a wink. I knew he didn't actually think of himself so highly, and it made me sad. "But I want you, not the nurse."
"Luke, I have feelings for Calum, and Calum has feelings for me too." I said, hoping he wouldn't try to kiss me again. I wanted to let him know, so he didn't get his hopes up.
Luke sighed and nodded. "He's a dick... I know he makes you happy. If you're happy, I'm happy." Luke said and smiled softly.
"Good... But, Luke, do you know anything about Calum's childhood?" I asked still curious.
"Of course I do, I grew up with him." But the expression on Luke's face changed, he went from sad to guilty. I knew he wouldn't want to tell me anything either.
"Tell me?" I asked.
"He'll tell you, just give him some time." Luke said forcing a smile.
"Okay." I sighed and decided to drop the topic, "Now get up here and cuddle with me."
Luke tried to squish himself into one twinsized bed with me. His legs ended up completely tangled with mine, his arms wrapped around me, and my arms squeezed tightly against his chest. My head was buried in his neck as he rested his head on mine. We fell asleep like that, a tangled mess.
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I opened my eyes to darkness. Everything was pitch black. I started feeling around, I felt Luke's hand wrapped around me. I pushed it off softly, trying not to wake him up. He groaned into his pillow and moved his hand back to the previous position.
"Ella," He groaned as he I tried to move his hand off again, "stop."
"Lukey, I need to get off." I said taking his hands off again, or I tried, but he didn't budge. He kept his arm wrapped tightly against me.
"Stay." Luke whispered into my neck, nestling his head in.
I quickly moved him off me, and stood up. He made a small noise, but in a few seconds I heard him snoring again.
My eyes had adjusted to the darkness and I could make out most of what was in the room. I saw Calum asleep on the floor with a pillow and a blanket. I looked over to the digital clock and that read 3:21am.
After using the bathroom, I decided to join Calum on the probably contagious hospital floor. I layed down next to him, tugging some of his blanket onto me. His eyes slowly opened, looking at me. He smiled, but his smile quickly fell.
"What's wrong?" I asked pouting, moving closer to him.
"Do you like me or do you like Luke?" He asked raising an eyebrow. I knew when I asked Luke to cuddle with me that Calum would get jelous, but I didn't care because that was something Calum had to deal with. Sometimes jelousy is cute but Calum was definitely excessively jelous.
"Stop being so jelous," I sighed, "It's you. Luke knows I don't like him that way."
A smile once again appeared on his face, "Good." He placed a kiss on my lips and his hand reached down to grab mine, intertwining our fingers.
We both tried to go back to sleep but for some reason we couldn't. I kept thinking of what he could be hiding about his past, I wondered if know would be a good time, but I took a risk. "Cal? Now, can you tell about your childhood."
Calum sighed, he moved from laying down to sitting criss cross. Both of my hands were intwined and he spent what seemed like a century looking into my eyes. "Only Ash and Luke know this... They're the only ones I've ever told."
Guilt rushed through my body, maybe it was worst than I had thought. Luke had told me to give him time and it was obvious I was pressuring him to tell me. Curiousity got the best of me, but I couldn't go through with it. Calum had never pressured me to tell him anything and I should've done the same. "I can see you don't want to tell me, it's okay. I shouldn't have asked. I'm sorry."
"No, no. If you're my, I'm not sure what we are, but you mean a lot to me and you should know everything about me, right? But... My life's kind of very fucked up, so just promise after this you won't think of me any different?" Calum said making me even more deperate to know. What could he be hiding, what could possibly be so terrible that it'd change my whole view of him?
"Promise."
"Okay... Well, my birth parents had me when they were fifteen and sixteen. They were both too young, so they decided to put me up for adoption. I lived in an adoption home for years. To this day I still don't know my real parents. At the age of six I was adopted by a great couple, Zoe and Jacob. The only people I've actually ever considered Mom and Dad, and they introduced my to their parents Grandma and Grandpa. Mom and Dad were sweet, they never made me feel like anything less than a miracle. They would tell me my birthgivers left me because they knew I deserved more than they could give. But I knew they left because they didn't want me. That year I met Ashton and Luke at school. They were my two friends, we refferred to ourselves as The Three Musketeers, always together, forever. And even though we weren't very liked by the rest of that school that never bothered us, we payed no attention to them because we had eachother. Our parents were best friends, we would go everywhere together, sleepovers, laser tag, game nights, all the stuff little kids love to do. At age ten, both my parents got into a huge car crash. They both died there. Grandma and Grandpa didn't have enough money to take care of themselves, even less me. So many tears later I ended up in the same adoption centre. Ash and Luke begged their parents to adopt me but of course that never happened. So atleast one time a week Luke and Ash would come visit me in the adoption center. But I grew depressed locked inside of what felt like a jail cell. Or as depressed as a ten year could be. But the thing was I had known how it felt to have parents and have friends and go to a real school and have a real, normal, amazing life. And in a split second I had lost all of it. I was back in the hell hole with those kids I didn't want to talk to and the workers who tried to act like parents but they never quite played the part right. Then there was those people who came to gift us things so they could feel better about themselves, and brag about how they changed the world. Damn, I never accepted a thing from any of them, I wouldn't take their gifts or food, they pitied me, I didn't want to be pitied. I was that kid who would sit in the corner on my own, who hated everyone and no matter how many times they tried to talk to me I wouldn't budge. So I'd spend my time ignoring everyone and writing songs... That was my escape from that place." Calum said, and I started tearing up. His life was so terrible, worse than mine ever was, and he was strong. He is still here on earth, seeing the good in everything, and everyone.
Calum began talking again, "At age thirteen another couple adopted me, Steve and Tish. They lived in Adelaide aswell so I got to go back to school and return to my old life, sort of. I had Luke and I had Ashton, but they had other friends. They had Michael and they had Nick and a bunch of other friends. Which I never fit in with and I always felt alone. Everything was good with my new family, no fights, no troubles, but it never really felt like home. And I knew I was incomplete. They said, home is where your heart is, but my heart had been broken far too many times. My heart was in pieces, so which piece was so supposed to be "home"? I spent days then weeks then months trying to figure out who I was, who I wanted to be, where I was, and where I wanted to be. I ended up concluding that I was a broken boy of a broken family who just wanted to be feel safe and at home. At age fourteen both Steve and Trish pieced a few things together and realised that I never really was 'okay'. So they took me to a doctor and he decided I was majorly depressed. So I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety that day. I got prescribed anti-depressants and weekly therapy. None of which helped. At age fifteen Tish left. After many fights with Steve, she finally left. And everything changed. Steve didn't care about anything anymore not about me not about his job nothing. For the first few weeks he just ignored me, then it got worse. He actually acknoledge my existance, he'd say it was my fault Tish left. He hated me. He stopped paying fo therapy and anti-depressants and he just hated me. Honestly, I have no idea why he didn't just put me back in the adoption centre. It lasted for an year. I began cutting myself daily, attempted suicide five times, and had almost daily anxiety attacks. It was terrible, worst year of my life. I distanced myself from Ashton and Luke because... I don't really know why. I guess I just didn't deserve them, they had other friends, I needed them so much, but they didn't need me. Or it felt like that. They realised what I was doing, and they knew how much I hated myself and my life and Steve and all the things I had done, everything... Anyways, one night at like 2am, Ashton just came banging on my door, and he told me to get out. He told me to pack up and get out. I didn't know what he was talking about but he just kind of said, "Listen, I'm not going to risk loosing you, I almost have five fucking times, and I'm scared one day we won't be able to save you and you'll be gone. You're not happy here and I know it and you're like my brother so I'm not going to leave you here. So, get your stuff come on." and I decided I didn't have anything to loose, my life couldn't possibly get worse, so I left with him. He took me to his house, his mom was totally cool with it. She didn't know all that Ashton knew but she knew I had a rough life and I was unhappy. She's great, she paid for my food and expenses and all that stuff, I went to same school and all that. Steve never even looked for me," He scoffed wiping a tear away. By this time Calum and I were slumped against the wall, hands intwined, both tearing up.
"Anyways, so, Ashton's mom was a better mom to me than any of the other 'mom's', except well Zoe, she was great. And so, Ashton kind of forced me to stop cutting, he threw all my blades away, and everytime I managed to get my hands on a new one, he would somehow find out and throw them away. I never tried to commit again. I started fitting in with the group, that how I became friends with Michael. But later, a few months before we turned eighteen, we decided to go to the same University, and Luke and Michael did too. So we all moved into the building together. And uh the rest of the group went out of Australia, and that's it. I was actually going to move into the apartment you're in, but Ashton told me he wanted me to stay rooming with him because he didn't know if I'd be okay alone, and so I did. So basically, Ashton practically saved my life so many times and now I'm here. I guess, now you know everything." Calum finished, it was so much to take in.
It left me speechless. I didn't know what to say, or how to feel. I wanted to hug Calum, and cry, and his life was so rough, and it was so hard to understand that. Sure, I'd heard stories of kids that had a super rough childhood, but it hits hard knowing that's what someone you love had gone through. Next to him my life seemed like paradise. "I-I... Calum, I-"
He cut me off, "It's terrible, I know. That's why I started liking you so much. You never told me too much about your childhood but those first days you said a couple thing about your parents and you were relatable. You were like me, you'd understand. I love Ashton and Luke but they'd never understand. I just assumed you would."
"I do."
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author's note
THIS IS LIKE ALL ONE CHAPTER OMG. THE LAST UPDATE THIS ONE AND THE NEXT ONE, IF YOU PUT THEM TOGETHER THEY JUST FORM ON HUGE CHAPTER WOW. BUT IM PRETENDING THERE DIFFERENT CHAPTERS SO I CAN HAVE MORE CHAPTERS YAY.
BUT I FEEL V BAD FOR CALUM.
THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO BANANA- AGAIN BC SHE GOT IT RIGHT AGAIN LMAO MY BROTHERS NAME IS SAM
THE NEXT CHAPTER IM JUST GONNA DEDICATE IT TO A RANDOM PERSON WHO COMMENTS IDK HOW IMMA DECIDE BUT YEAH BC IDK ANYMORE QUESTIONS LMAO
LUKE BBY POOR LUKE :( THE LELLA SHIP HAS SUNKEN BUT THEYRE STILL HELLA CUTE
BUT CALLA OMF I THINK CALLAS SUPER CUTE
ANYWAYS TIL THE NEXT CHAPTER :)
GOODBYE :) x