Liam shifted on the bed. “Mmm… what’s happening?” My dad’s here? Right now? Oh my God. The phone slipped from my hand and thudded on the floor. Harry’s voice sounded again, “Niall? Are you still there?” I franticly picked it up and uncontrollably shouted at Harry, “I’ll be right there just… wait a sec.”
“Didn’t you hear me say that we’ve already been –”
I turned off the phone and faced Liam. His brown eyes looked at me with such concern. I quickly got dressed and told Liam to do so as well. As he buttoned his shirt (or was that mine?), he didn’t let go of the question probably filling his mind. “What’s going on, Niall?”
“Um… my father’s here…”
“What’s the matter with that?”
I harshly spitted out, “What’s the matter with that? My dad’s going to find out!”
Liam frowned, “Are you saying you don’t want to tell them about me?”
“N-no… that’s not it…”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s just that I don’t want to introduce you this way… I don’t want to drag you to my father and tell him: Hey dad! This is Liam and we had sex last night!” Liam laughed like he found what I just said as unbelievable. “Then don’t tell him about that part! Why do you have to?”
“Even if I did, he’ll see through it.”
Liam’s hand softly brushed on my cheek. But that erase the feeling I was having right now. Panic was slowly eating me up. The images of my father enraged when I tell him about me and Liam appeared vividly in my mind and that made sweat bead up on my forehead. Maybe he’ll be fine with it… maybe not. I wasn’t sure anymore. Adding my father to the already complicated equation of leaving Liam, Zayn, Harry, and Louis so I could study abroad was too much for my Irish brain to handle. My brain was processing so much right now that I barely noticed my stomach growling; only noticing it when it began to hurt. I bit my lip… It was now or never. I looked at Liam, “Just promise me when he doesn’t take it well, you’ll leave as fast as you can…”
“Are you seri –” He got the message that I wasn’t kidding. Liam looked at me, blinking once in a while and then placed a kiss on my temple.
I went for the door and turned the knob slowly. The creak of the door didn’t help in easing the panicky moment and the two of us descended the stairs. I can hear the muffled voices beyond the front door and then I closed my eyes. My hands felt the knob and I gulped. After opening it, I opened my eyes and Louis’ smile greeted me first. “How are ya doin’, mate?” He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tightly. Their vacation in the country made his skin darker but the same blue eyes I’ve known for some time now greeted me. His smile turned into a smirk upon seeing Liam behind me, most probably thinking of the dirtiest thought he could think of. “Well, Niall, you’ve been busy while we were gone.” Giving me a wink before heaving their luggage into the living room.
The curly one didn’t have smile on his face thought but rather an annoyed look. He quickly slipped pass me before I could hug him. As he darted towards the bathroom, he shouted, “I hate you for making me hold my call of nature but I’ll still cuddle you later once I’m finished using the bathroom!”
Laughter sounded behind me, “I can see why you like them so much…” I turned to face the last figure standing on the doormat, blocking the welcome sign from view. My dad hasn’t changed a bit. Except for the few additional lines on his face, he’s still that man I knew. He quickly took notice of Liam who was standing behind me. “And who might this fellow be?” Liam stiffened a bit and I replied as my mouth was starting to feel dry.
“Oh I think you know who he is, dad…”
My father’s face scrunched up, confused by what I said. “Really? I know him?”
I nodded. “C’mon, dad.” I tried being as casual as possible. “Don’t you remember Liam? Liam Payne – that boy… that was a friend of mine when we stayed in Wolverhampton?”
My father’s eyes widened. “Bless the Lord… you’ve grown so much! The little tyke that played with son… who would’ve thought you’d grow up to be a very handsome lad!” Liam started easing up a little, his face slowly turning red.
Okay, the encounter went well. Now I just needed the chance to tell him… Between Louis humming on the couch, Harry singing in the bathroom, and my father’s continuous remarks that made Liam blush even more and making him more adorable, my head was trying real hard to find the solution and answer to current problem. Was this the right time? Should I get him alone and have a deep talk with him? Or should I ever tell him at all?
“By the way, Niall, what’s he doing here? Were you having a sleepover?” Moments from last night flashed in my head and I could tell that I was turning pink. A sleepover? Maybe… if you consider that a sleepover. My father’s eyes narrowed, his stare burrowing down, digging deeper into the meaning of my reaction. “Did I miss something, Niall?”
“I – I…” My quick glance at Liam wasn’t missed by my father as well.
“Young man…” my father shifted his attention to Liam, who was now fully aware of what was happening. “…might I have a word with you… in private?” The color drained out of Liam’s face and he silently followed dad to the kitchen. I was right. He did see through me. My only wish was that everything would be fine. Would it though? I certainly hope so.
I slumped onto the couch, making my head rest on Louis’ shoulder as he was watching tv. “Something wrong, Nialler?” he frowned.
“I’m doomed.” I replied grimly.
Louis chuckled, brushing his hand softly on my hair. “Don’t worry so much, Nialler. Your dad will see that Liam’s a great guy… Just stay calm.”
“But I can’t stay calm! What if he doesn’t like Liam… he’s met him only once during our stay in Wolverhampton. What makes you think –”
“Niall, please…” Louis cut me off, his blue eyes looking down on me. “Can’t you have a little faith? I mean this is just like when I introduced Harry to my mum. I was a little worried but I assured myself that Harry would charm his way into my mother’s heart, just like he charmed his way into mine.”
Harry dropped off on the couch beside Louis. “I heard that! That’s the sweetest thing, Lou…” They stared at each other for a moment but broke it when I coughed. “Anyway,” started Harry, “If it will soothe your worrying heart a little, I think I heard your father say that he’ll be happy whoever you end up with…”
I was starting to feel lighter until he added some more.
“…and then his voice got a bit darker and I don’t know what’s happening right now.”
The muffled voices in the kitchen still got me a bit on the edge. Until they emerged from there, my father’s face was blank – no expression at all, I’m telling you; Liam’s face was different, his seem to glow in some way I can’t explain. He looked up to me and smiled. His hands were both on his back, and I can see him biting his lower lip.
“Dad?” My father turned to me. His facial expression changed into a smile. He coughed and tucked his hands into his pocket.
“Well, we talked, Niall…” My anticipation grew, waiting for his lips to move again and say his verdict – whether it was good or bad. His eyes turned to Louis, which seemed a bit odd, “Why don’t we leave the two of them for a while? Maybe you could show me the neighborhood on the way to the nearest Nando’s… Perhaps we can take home some Peri Peri Chicken…”
Both Louis and Harry stood up, leaving me on the couch sitting alone. The two others disappeared into the outside and before my father closed the door, he winked at me with a smile. The oddest day of my life was today. Everything seemed fine. Everybody seemed fine. It was like I was the only one who was worrying. I was the only one caring much about everything including those that didn’t really matter.
I felt Liam’s arm creep around my shoulder, tugging me closer to him. He was still smiling. It was the most brilliant smile I have ever seen. He pecked on my lips before grinning, raising his eyebrow at the same time. “Surprised that I’m still here kissing you?”
“I’m surprised Louis and Harry didn’t pull your corpse out of the kitchen.” My tone was both happy and worrying. I guess Louis was right that I needed a little faith in these things. Surprisingly, it revolves back to what Dean said about being faithful even at long distances.
“Liam?” I rested my head on his chest. He smelled just like last night, the only difference now was that we had clothes on. He nuzzled on my hair, breathing softly at the passing seconds. “Yes, Ni?”
“About that thing we talked about before we… before we…” I felt my face warming up. Even if we already did it, I was having a hard time saying those words.
“Niall, I already told you that I will wait for you. No matter what happens.”
“I know that. I know you always keep your promises but what about me? What if something occurs that repeats what happened the last time we promised to each other? I’m scared, Liam. I’m afraid that I’m too weak to keep my end of the bargain. I just don’t want to lose you… permanently this time.”
Liam cupped my chin, meeting my eyes with his. “You’re not weak… you’re special. And even if something does happen, no matter how long it takes, I’m sure that destiny will find a way to bring my special little snowflake back to me.”
Liam pressed his lips against mine. I flung my arms around his neck pulling him closer, his hand made their way to my hips. The kiss was slow and sweet, Liam’s tongue poked my lips asking for entrance and I let him in. His tongue roamed around my mouth, feeling everything inside until it met with mine, starting a tongue battle in which, this time, I won. I forced all of my weight on him making him fall on his back on the couch. His grip on my hips tightened and he pulled me in, crushing himself under my weight. Even with fabric between our skins, I can still feel the heat of his body and the slight bulge below. Liam started rubbing his erection against mine, smirking after I moaned. He went down, kissing my jawline and moving on to my neck where he started making love bites, making me grow harder.
“You think you can oust me?” Liam breathed on my neck. “I may be nice most of the time but I can be rough if I wanted to.” Liam flipped me over and continued trailing kisses down my neck. After teasing me by licking my collarbone, his lips returned onto mine. He suddenly growled when I slipped my hand into his shirt, slowly running my hand through his torso.
“Last night wasn’t enough for you, huh?” His eyes were darker and full of lust.
I smirked, “No. Was it enough for you?”
“You do know that the three of them could walk in at any moment…”
“That’s why there’s a bedroom, silly Li.”
Liam shook his head. He got up and walked towards the kitchen. The first thought that came into my mind was ‘What the fuck is that?’. He turned around, smiling slyly at me. “That’s what it feels when you’re being teased and then it all stops…”
“Oh, come on… You’re not seriously doing a payback on that are you? Besides, it was Dean’s fault not mine!”
Liam emerged from the kitchen with the last cup of ice cream we had in the freezer. A spoon was plunged into it. “Don’t blame this on the kid. You were obviously teasing me to no end so I wouldn’t get your laptop.”
“But you did find out what it was! And are you using a spoon?”
“Yeah, so? It’s not like it’s gonna bite or anything…”
“But that’s not your spoon… that’s… mine.”
“Exactly.” Liam popped the spoon filled with ice cream into his mouth, then started liking the spoon rather sensually.
Louis, Harry, and I had our separate spoons and forks but I had no idea how Liam figured out that the plain ones were mine. “You’re phobic of spoons that aren’t yours…”
“But it’s yours so I have nothing to be scared of.” He smiled.
You know that feeling a contestant has in a game show when the host says it’s the last ten seconds? The feeling of the adrenaline pumping, your focus is only on winning the prize, and then you will lose? The wretched feeling of anxiety, despair, and self-loathing sluggishly seeping through your veins that every second of it hurts… Somehow, I wanted the feeling to be over but I knew it will last longer than I could hold. That’s the joke on me I’ll have to bear for the rest of my life, I think. I can never have Liam for my own in a perfect way. There are always blockades… there are always restrictions… Two days before my birthday, I’m gonna leave for San Diego and I shout out loud in my head sarcastically that it’s the perfect present life could ever give me.
We sat silently at the dinner table. Harry and Louis kept glancing at each other, their faces grim and sulky. Beside my dad was Zayn and next to him was Perrie, munching silently with her face staring down at her plate. My dad, well, I didn’t know how to describe him right now. I moved my eyes to Liam who – for reasons I’m certain of – has lost his appetite and was just toying with his food.
It’s getting absurd that my life is getting replayed over again. This is just like that summer – everything that has happened that involved Liam was like that summer (except the kissing and love making part).Whoever had the replay button pushed on, please, stop doing that. For the last few days, Liam has been locking himself in his house and the only way we made him go out was Perrie. She was great these days, I mean, in everything. I feel like I wanted a cousin just like her and the strangest thing was that she has been treating me like so. Yesterday afternoon, while in the supermarket with Zayn, she pulled me some place else – out of Zayn’s sight and talked to me. Not just “talk” talk but “deep with some many emotions involved” talk.
“Do you know why I asked Zayn if we could bring Liam that night at the party?”
I stared at her for a moment and shook my head. Of all the times and of all the places, why did she have to bring this up now?
“It’s because Zayn said you would be there…”
So she knew? She knew about that summer? I didn’t know her until that night at the party and it seemed weird and farfetched that she was stalking me.
“I-I don’t understand what you’re saying…”
“Liam’s sisters were telling me about some time ago, back when we were… er… younger.”
“But I didn’t –”
“Niall, please stop talking, I only have a few minutes. When Zayn said that a Niall Horan, who was his friend, texted him about going to the party, I just knew it was you. So I asked him if Liam would be allowed to come with us – he had a hard time deciding but he just could say no to me…”
That figures, I thought.
“…but the only problem left was Liam. He didn’t like going to parties, he didn’t drink so that, I think, was always his reason. But something changed his mind when I told him you were there… He felt pained for a moment, slumping back on the couch actually, and then a tear fell from his eye. He started crying and then he smiled, the most genuine I have seen in years. Zayn kept asking along the way why the two of us were a bit edgy and excited but we kept to ourselves. And the rest is as you know it.”
We stared at each other for a while. I can tell by the look in her eyes that she was happy because all of this happened. In one quick move, she embraced me into her arms, softly and yet I still felt the warmth of the embrace.
“Back in Wolverhampton, Liam’s sisters and I always talked about you when Liam wasn’t around. I never seen you before that night and yet every picture of your face that floated in my mind based on how Liam’s sisters described you were wrong…” She gave a low laugh. “…you were more handsome than I thought. No wonder Liam fell for you.”
“You’re too kind… my face isn’t perfect as his.”
“Yeah, it’s you that he fell for, not just your face. You’re special to him and I can see why.”
“Hey! What’s going on?” Zayn finally found us, his face confused while he leaned on the trolley.
The two of us laughed which added to Zayn’s frustration. “It’s nothing, honey…” said Perrie.
Liam stood up from the dinner table and went out the back door; all of our eyes followed him until the door shut close. Perrie stood up as well and followed Liam outside. The silence was deafening; the only sound I heard was Harry chugging down the iced tea before returning to the food on his plate. The muffled voices outside grew louder and louder until we heard someone shout. It was Liam, I guess. Perrie started shouting as well. Louis glanced at Zayn, “Aren’t you going to do something?”
“No.” Zayn shook his head. “It’s not the first time they fought like that. I think they’ll be fine.”
“But what if –”
“I said they’ll be fine.” He gritted his teeth.
Zayn glanced at me and found me staring at him. “Sorry…” Then he returned to eating.
Not the best meal I had – it was not the best meal any of us had. But, given the circumstances, none of us felt fine these past few days. Even if they say that they’ll be fine with me leaving, I can see right now that that wasn’t true. Their masks that portrayed happiness weren’t thick enough to conceal the truth that they didn’t want me to go.
I closed my eyes again and took a deep breath. This was it. I’m actually going now. I only have a backpack with me and small traveling bag. Ed told me to pack light – I didn’t need everything I owned. There was only one flight to San Diego per day and it was a good thing there was less traffic because I may not have made it in time.
Before we left, Perrie kept convincing Liam to come with us but the brown-eyed boy just wouldn’t. He didn’t want me to go. Of all of them, Liam was the one who hurt the most. To say that this has been an emotional roller coaster for the two of us was an understatement; the two of us experienced this before but back then, we were just friends. It was so much difficult for me as well not to see him before I board the plane.
Before entering the airport, I gave all of them the last hug they’ll ever get from me in years. The last one, I gave to Zayn but before I let go, I felt tears fall out of my eyes.
“Are you okay?” asked Zayn, wiping the tears off my cheek.
“Promise me one thing, Zayn?”
“Yeah, sure. Anything for our Nialler.”
“Promise me you’ll take care of my cowboy? He means a lot to me. He’s best I ever had. He’s brave, and kind and smart but the best thing about him is that he’ll never leave you. Ever. He’ll be there for you no matter what…”
Zayn stared at me for a moment, his eyes were a bit watery.
“You think you can take care of him for me?”
Zayn didn’t usually cry but this time around, he was crying real bad but still nodded.
“Thanks…”
Zac.
August 31
I’m at the hospital right now. I got my left leg broken after stumbling down the stairwell at school. I know… I know… Kinda weak for me, isn’t it? What’s the reason, you might ask? It’s so absurd that I feel like I don’t want to tell you but I will anyway. By the way, noticed that the ‘dear diary’ thing is gone? Well, my sister told me it made me look like a girl or something…
Right, the reason why… Well, apparently someone spread a rumor at school that I was gay. When I arrived at school yesterday everyone was whispering behind my back and I couldn’t figure out why. When I went to talk to Dorothy, she gave me a snide remark and told me “Go away… I can’t believe I went out with you, fag.”
I felt the whole world crush me and make me hit rock bottom. I was sitting alone in the art classroom when this girl, Erika (she’s pretty by the way), went in and talked to me. I’ve always seen her in the class but she never talked to me until now.
“You know, I don’t believe any of those things they’re saying…” she said. “But if it would help, I think it’s because you’re friends with Niall.”
I look up at her. She looked sad, but I bet it’s just pity.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, from what they’re saying, Drake saw you hanging out with Niall last Saturday and then after that, all hell broke loose…”
“How come you know who Niall is?”
“I come to the nursing home every Friday. A day before you go there but I’ve only been there twice. I guess Niall has a thing for kids cause he’s the first one to talk to me there of all the workers.”
“Workers? But Niall lives in the nursing home…”
Erika stared at me, wondering where I could’ve gotten that.
“Niall works at the nursing home but he doesn’t live there. He has his own apartment.”
Okay, so I must have misinterpreted what Niall meant by ‘took me in’. Apparently, what he meant was the nursing home gave him a job, what the job was I still don’t know because I never asked him.
You might be asking: so? What’s the connection with being called gay and falling down a stairwell? My sister came to me when she heard the rumors spreading around. As we were fighting along the hallway, I stepped back too much causing me to slip and go tumbling down the stairs. As expected, everyone laughed – shouting “that’s what faggots get!”
The next thing I knew I was at the hospital with by sister beside me. I felt pain whenever I moved my left leg. Even if she did bring me here, I still hate her for telling our parents about the whole Niall and Liam thing. She’s asleep right now and here I am writing on my bed. My parents were back at the house getting some stuff. As I am writing this, I can’t help but feel that my plans are being thwarted… Does destiny not want any involvement from me in Niall’s life?
My leg hurts again.
Zac.