JACK'S POV
Beth did exactly as I said from then on. She left it. And when I say she left it, she left my life almost entirely. If it weren't for us living in the same house I doubted whether I would have ever seen her again. I overheard her talking to Finn once about moving out but they came to the conclusion that she could survive a couple more months what with the contract which still remained intact.
The last conversation we had, the argument, constantly played over and over in my mind and I regretted every moment of it. I was a monster for hurting her like that. It was now late April, and though the sun was starting to break through the clouds, it did nothing to brighten my thoughts. I had become detached, my mind wanting to get away from the body of a fool.
The question 'do you still like her?' floated in and out of my conscience throughout each day without her and every time my answer was the same; Of course I do, I bloody love her. And I had fucked it up so badly that she didn't love me back anymore. I knew she had gotten closer with Finn after our argument, though whether it was out of spite or it was because she needed someone by her side, I didn't know. Maybe it was both. Either way, it was Finn who held her trust and who got to steal smiles from her after breaking the tension with some stupid pun, or who got to be in her presence without such a heavy conscience. It seemed that I was the bad guy now. I wished that this was just one of her short-lived grudges which only lasted a matter of days but that wasn't the case; I had truly broken the boundaries this time, and I certainly wasn't allowed back.
Sometimes I thought that maybe, if I had the right words, I could make a move to bettering our relationship, but since the argument I could never trust my own mouth in fear of something unintended slipping out again. Before all this, I thought that I could have a go at fixing our friendship, the switchboard, but now I saw how stupid that was. We were in shatters, both mentally and physically. I could see this in how my hands shook whenever she came across my mind and in the dark circles under her eyes. It takes a lot to put together those pieces again, and replace the things which couldn't be fixed. There wasn't enough time for us and it was now as if it was my entire fault. I thought pushing her away, keeping the peace with distance would have made things better, but no distance could shun the arguments and cold shoulders which stayed forever lodged in our minds and nagged away at us, bringing our spirits down relentlessly.
Each day was a reminder of this: not going down to the kitchen in the afternoon to welcome Beth home from college, not being able to spend time lying down and pondering about anything and everything without my thoughts wondering back to her lips. Some mornings I would wake up and think she had been there, and had just got up to go to the toilet and would be back in a minute. That was never the case, not anymore; it was all in my head. I laughed at myself about this a lot - she didn't just cross my mind: she lived in it, and all I could do was watch.
-x-
BETH'S POV
The relationship I held with Finn was one of love and hate. I loved it in how he was so eager to have me in his company; in his ability to ease the tension with a few jesting words; and in how his worn-out eyes comforted me in a way I don't think he understood. I hated it however in how his eagerness came not purely of friendship, in how his ability to ease the tension came so naturally to him as if there was no tension at all, when all I felt was a quivering wreck of it. I hated it in the way his worn-out eyes matched Jack's in how they looked at me so gently. I wished he wouldn't look at me like that. Keeping my distance had become a mantra of mine; I never let him too close to lead him into believing I was ready to move on.
How I acted around him was closely monitored by my paranoid brain so much so that he began to notice. I tried to be careful, but it was obvious with every time I changed the conversation subject or pulled away when he began to play with my fingers idly.
"Look, Beth, I know this isn't..." Finn struggled with his words as he nibbled lightly on his lower lip in concentration, "I know this isn't exactly perfect, and I get why it isn't, I do, but can't you just relax a bit? I'm not going to do anything you don't want me to do."
I sighed, shrugging. "You're right. I'm sorry I'm acting weird, I just don't want any of this to get lost in translation." I suddenly came to terms with the irony of what I was saying; I was sat on his bed alone with him, of course Finn was going to get mixed messages.
Finn nodded once and sat on his hands as if to hold them back from reaching out to take a lock of my hair like he would so often. "Do you want to go out for a coffee?" he asked. "I fancy a walk."
"Yeah, sure, why not," I replied, "I could do with some fresh air."
"Meet you downstairs in five?"
"Downstairs in five," I confirmed and got up from his bed to retrieve my jacket and make myself at least half presentable for the outside world. I was glad Finn always had a plan for the day, whether it was an adventure into central London or simply a lazy day watching stupid YouTube videos on his laptop.
Obviously I went out with other friends, but sometimes it was good to have someone who didn't mind spending the day curled up with a book or who knew that it wasn't always essential to be talking all the time. A comfortable silence was often the best way to appreciate friendship and sometimes silence held more trust than promising words did.
So how come Jack's voice echoed through my mind? The smallest thing could be a trigger; the way Finn said a word, or a sentence in a book, or the lyrics to a song. He was everywhere in my head but nowhere in my life and it killed me inside. There was a constant weight on my chest and in my lungs. It was like a balloon, and with every thought too many this balloon would inflate, leaving me struggling for breath, unable to speak and with tears pouring uncontrollably down my cheeks. I was terrified at the frequency of what was happening to me; I didn't want to go back where anxiety had its hands around my neck. I was so bloody useless and I didn't know what to do about it. All I felt I could do was to try and live like there was nothing wrong, that all of this didn't matter. Shrug it off, I thought, shrug it off and you'll be fine. What a lie that was.
FINN'S POV
As promised, five minutes later we set off down the street. The sun was out and cast long shadows onto the pavement in front of us.
"Can you imagine if everyone was that tall?" I asked Beth, pointing at my shadow. I couldn't help but watch the swinging of her hips in her blacked out figure as she walked.
"I bet I'd still be a bit of a midget," she replied, looking up at me, her eyes squinting against the sun.
"There's got to be some good things about being small," I said. "Like you must be great at playing hide and seek."
"That's true, but I feel like I'm always missing out on things. Like at concerts I either have to be at the front or hope that everyone else is my size, which is never the case. Mind you, it does give me an excuse to go on someone's shoulders."
"Next time we go to one you've got a reserved space on mine then," I said. Beth smiled at me through a closed mouth. I smiled back. Her freckles were beginning to come out again now the sun was making an appearance.
"I'm quite glad I'm small actually," she said after a moment's pause.
"Why's that?" I asked.
"Everything's a lot closer on the ground," she said. I gave her a puzzled look, and she continued, "Say, when I'm wearing heels, I'll have to reach further to grab something from a table. That's another thing actually: I can wear heels and not look overly tall."
"But what about reaching things on high shelves?" I said.
"Oh yeah," she frowned, "I'm not very good at arguing my case, am I?"
I shrugged, and bent at the knees to her height as we walked along, nudging her softly in the ribs, "I guess it isn't so bad down here."
She laughed, "You look like a baby giraffe that isn't used to how long his legs are yet."
"Well if you're going to insult me I'm just going to have to be taller than you," I huffed teasingly and stood back up to my normal height. I rested my elbow on Beth's shoulder as we walked along, "You make a pretty good arm rest."
"Piss off, Finnegan," she said, shoving my arm from her, though a smile hinted at her lips.
"Oh we're bringing out the Finnegan card are we, Bethany?"
"There once was a man named Michael Finnegan," she began to sing, much to my dismay.
"Oh god, no, stop," I groaned.
Beth was now laughing, "He grew whiskers upon his chinnegan."
"I so regret telling you about that now," I said, referencing to when I told her about how I cried on the first day of school because after introducing myself as Finn, this boy began singing the children's rhyme. Beth's grin was bright in the way it made crinkles on the bridge of her nose and in the corners of her eyes. She stuck her tongue out at me when I shot her a look of jesting annoyance. I wished that I could have cupped her face as kissed her.
"What do you think you're going to get?" Beth said as we rounded the corner towards Starbucks.
"I'm not sure... I'm thinking a latté," I replied.
"They call me 'coffee' because I grind so fine," Beth said out of the blue, her face passive.
I felt a grin coming on, "Are you okay?"
She pulled a thoughtful face, "Just going to let that one brew for a second there."
I laughed, but a strange feeling of discomfort settled in my stomach; puns had always been her and Jack's thing. I let it go - she was just trying to keep things light. I opened the door for her as we entered the coffee shop and stepped in. It wasn't too busy and we joined the queue behind four other people.
"What size latté do you want? I'll order while you get us a seat," she said.
"Good plan. I'll have a grande thanks," I told her and left her in the queue to find a table by the window.
Sunlight streamed in, but it was hard to miss the dark cloud that loomed on the horizon. I settled into my seat and was about to pull out my phone but found myself utterly captured by the way the light caught the contours of Beth's face, and the way she stood with her curious eyes scanning the shop. I watched as she ordered our drinks, her smile as she thanked the barista and the patience she held whilst waiting for our orders to arrive. I should have snapped myself back into reality but in all truth I didn't want to. I knew what I was doing to myself wasn't healthy, that Beth still had her heart on Jack - she looked at him like gold for goodness sake - but maybe admiring from afar was all I needed.
She approached with two drinks in her hands, "One grande latté for Finn."
"Thank you," I said as she sunk down into her seat. "Mango and passion fruit cooler, huh?"
"Yeah, I've required a real taste for mango recently."
"Oh yes, I gathered judging by the contents of the freezer and fruit bowl," I smiled from behind my coffee cup.
"If you touch my mango sorbet, I swear to god," she said.
"Only if you promise not to steal my cold pizza from the fridge for your lunch," I replied, narrowing my eyes at her.
Beth pulled a face, "That was one time."
"One time too many, missy," I tutted before breaking into a grin to match hers. Although I struggled to read Beth using her eyes, she couldn't hide it all. Right now, despite her attention being on me, her eyes weren't as bright and as insightful as a minute or two ago.
She had these... I didn't know how to put it - barriers, perhaps. She had barriers around her eyes which although didn't show what was going on inside, couldn't mask their damaged condition. One moment they looked fairly sturdy: patched up and worn, but still functioning. The next moment, however, a thought, a memory, a sight, I don't know, must have rammed up against those barriers, allowing whatever was trapped inside to stretch out just a little. This was the crack in her barrier and was one of the only things that gave me an insight on what she was thinking. It changed so quickly and I wished that I could help but I was treading on thin ice, and one wrong foot and I could break her barrier like I had when I kissed her. When I kissed her...
"Earth to Finn, earth to Finn," Beth said, waving her hand in front of my face.
"Sorry what were you saying?"
Beth shook her head, "You have the attention span of a fly."
I wanted to tell her I hadn't lost interest, that it was her I had all my attention on; on her depth and her character and her lips. "I'm just not with it today, I'm sorry."
"I was saying how Xavier and I were planning to go to Australia for some of our gap year," she said. It was obvious she wanted my opinion on it.
"What like backpacking? That would be awesome," I replied, though the thought of her being on the other side of the world made my breath catch in my throat a little.
"Yeah, we'd go to The Great Barrier Reef and Ayres Rock and Sydney Harbour. It would be so fantastic, Finn. We'd skip winter so it'll be like a whole year of summer. Xav's brother said he'd come too because he's lived there before so we'd get the most out of it and just... Australia!" she grinned at me, her hands out in expression. Here she was: her barriers strong with enthusiasm and hope.
"How long were you thinking of going?" I asked.
"Nine months? I'm not sure yet. I want to leave time for travelling around other countries and spending some time at home to clear my mind a bit," she replied.
"Sounds like a great idea. I recommend going to Ibiza as some point; that's one of Jack and I's favourite places to go," I said, instantly regretting mentioning Jack as soon as his name escaped my lips.
"Yeah," Beth sighed, "I'll have to think about it." Her barriers were back on their last legs again. Way to go, Finn.
"You're doing okay, Beth," I said after a moment, taking her hand from across the table. I was relieved when she didn't pull away. "Actually, you're doing more than okay. After everything, you're getting through it."
"I don't know if I am though." The tone in her voice held a fear which I had never heard from her before, and a sudden tightness jumped up and spread through my chest. It truly made me come to terms with how ill timed this whole mess was, not that there was ever a good time for it at all. Beth had only just started to settle back in from being away for all that time and I had only gone and thrown another spanner in the works, made another bump on her road of life. How much more of an idiot could I have been?
"You're so brave; so, so brave. You'd beat me in any match for courage," I tried, squeezing her hand softly.
"I'm really not. I'm scared, Finn. I feel like crap all the time and I don't know how to make it stop."
"You won't feel like that forever, I promise. And don't you dare say nobody cares because I do; I care so much," I said.
Beth laughed, a sad smile spread across her lips. "I know you do, Finny. I can't thank you enough for that." She let out an uneven sigh, unable to hold my gaze. Her hand was jittery in mine. "We'll just have to see how it goes."
"We can do this," I replied, giving a firm nod to reassure her unsure look.
"Together?"
"Together," I confirmed. And together I'll make sure we stay.