Elise Halder
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"Don't cry, baby," Luke murmurs, hand delicately brushing a fallen tear that had escaped my traitorous eyes. "Please don't cry." His voice was barely above a whisper.
I don't remember much about getting back to my own dorm. The only thing I could focus on was gripping tightly onto Luke, although it wasn't really all that necessary. He was holding me so carefully and so desperately that I was certain I couldn't fall from his grip even if I wanted to.
But of course I didn't want to.
The thing is, I thought I had it together. I was sure that by now, none of this would faze me anymore. But that's just what people do; we tell ourselves that we're unbothered, that we don't care. And all it takes is one unexpected reminder to bring down carefully built up walls around the truth.
And the truth fucking sucks.
It sucks because I don't know what to tell Luke, because I don't necessarily want to tell Luke. But a bigger part of me doesn't want him to think I'm so emotional for no reason, so I desperately try to sort out my thoughts and my story in an effort to keep myself from looking crazy.
"I'm not." I lie, hastily replacing his fingers under my puffy eyes with my own.
Luke sighs and retracts his hand as I will myself to suck any remaining tears back into their rightful place behind the ducts in my eyes. He looks concerned, and I can tell from the way he repeatedly clenches and unclenches his hand that he's restraining himself from bombarding me with questions.
If I wasn't using most of my willpower not to cry, I'd probably smile at his thoughtfulness.
"I'm not," I repeat. "I just..." I trail off and Luke stills in anticipation. "I don't know why I got so upset," I lie again, forcing out the weakest excuse for a laugh.
But this is Luke we're taking about, and nothing slips by him. Especially not my meager attempt to brush off my emotions.
"Elise," he sighs once more, and I see his hand move from its resting position on my bed towards me, but he stops himself. "Please don't do this. Please don't act like nothing's wrong when we both know it's not true." His voice is careful, almost too cautious, and I realize his movements are as well.
He's got you there, I'm reminded. Time to spill, Elise.
I take in his disheveled state and notice how tired the man looks. I can only hope it isn't because of me, but the selfish part of me knows that would be wishful thinking.
"I'm sorry," it comes out way too quiet. "I shouldn't have left like that-"
"I don't blame you."
He says it quickly, and I glance up to his face to see his lips pursed and his brows pulled together, almost like he's grimacing at the memory.
"Luke-"
"I probably would have left too," he interrupts, looking away from me. "If I heard half of the shit you heard, I would've ran away from me, too." His jaw clenches tightly and I wince at how tense he's become.
"I wasn't trying to run from you-" the words don't even phase him.
"But you should," He swallows. "You should try to run from me, Elise." He shakes his head slightly and still refuses to look at me.
I'm stunned, to say the least, that he would say such a thing. I'm sure my face contorts into all forms of confusion, but he still doesn't look at me.
"Why-" I start softly, feeling confused and concerned at his words. "-why would you say that?"
Maybe it's the hoarseness of my voice, or maybe it's the genuine confusion he hears, but he finally looks back at me, blue eyes full of emotion that I can't even begin to decipher.
Fear, maybe. But there's many more I can't quite comprehend.
"Didn't you hear what they said?" His body is turned toward mine and his eyes don't waver from my own. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit intimidated by his stare. "What they said about me?" Luke shakes his head and I can tell he's working himself up. "You shouldn't want anything to do with me."
It's almost ironic, really, hearing him say this. Considering I'd been convincing myself for months that it's him who doesn't want anything to do with me.
I so desperately want to reach out, to grab his hand, or for him to touch me in some way, but he seems hesitant and it makes me much too nervous. So I hold myself back and settle for inching the slightest bit toward him from our position on my small bed.
I choose my words carefully, wanting to somehow ease his tenseness. "I don't care what they said, Luke," he swallows and takes his bottom lip between his teeth. "I care about what you say."
"You do?"
I nod. "I was stupid, and kind of confused, before," I almost laugh. "I got embarrassed, I guess-"
"I'm sorry," Luke winces. "I-Elise I'm so sorry," his voice is frantic now as he interrupts, and my nerves only grow when he reaches a hand up to run harshly through his hair as his eyes pinch close quickly. He looks stressed to say the least. "I shouldn't have done what I did." He says the last part quietly and suddenly it's my turn to wince because I know exactly what he's referring to.
"Was I-" I fiddle with my fingers nervously, feeling extremely embarrassed at this point, as he'd just confessed that our intimate moment was a mistake. I swallow my nervous and try not to sound upset, although I know I fail. "-did I do something wrong?"
I hadn't expected his eyes to snap open so quickly, and I definitely hadn't expected him to cup both of his hands around my face in one swift motion. "What-what do you mean?" His words are hurried and he looks far too concerned.
"I-I don't know," I can't look away from his eyes even though everything in me wants to cower away. "It seems like you regret what we did and I just-" my quiet confession is cut off, once again, by a bewildered and breathy laugh from Luke.
"Baby," he breathes and my heart flips when he lets the pads of his thumbs brush across my cheeks. "I could never regret anything with you, ever."
"But you said you shouldn't have..." I trail off and Luke sighs.
"I shouldn't have, no, but that doesn't mean I regret it," his voice is soft. "I let myself get carried away, and I've been trying so, so hard not to do that with you," He brings one hand down to find my own, holding it ever so gently as I try to calm the pounding of my heart. "I'm sorry."
"I don't want you to be sorry," I whisper.
Luke sighs and tilts his head down slightly. "Elise," He brings his lip between his teeth for a quick moment. "You don't understand. What Cole and them were saying...it's who I was, and I can't let myself be like that," my stomach clenches at his words but I try to ignore it. "Not with you, Lis."
"Luke," I sigh. "Forget about what they said, it doesn't change anything-"
"It made you leave."
"That wasn't because of you, I-I let Ca-" I almost say his name but stop myself and shut my mouth right away, hoping desperately Luke won't ask.
But it's Luke. And when he tenses immediately at my slip up, I know that my hopes are futile.
"What were you about to say, Elise?" He asks even though he absolutely knows the answer.
I chew nervously on the corner of my lip, feeling a bit trapped. I knew that this would come up eventually, seeing as Luke already overheard my short conversation with the boy in question, but I'm not prepared to bring it up in the slightest.
"Who the fuck is Cade?"
How do I even begin to answer that?
"Baby," Luke cooes, pulling me from my worries and making me reopen my eyes that I'd unknowingly closed. "Who is he?"
I cringe, not expecting him to ask outright although it's a valid question. "Who?" I feign cluelessness, hoping to prolong the inevitable.
Luke sighs deeply and moves his hand from my face to my neck, letting the pad of his thumb brush the underside of my jaw. "Elise," his voice is still soft but there's a frustrated undertone to it that makes me feel small. "Who's Cade?"
It's what he's been dying to ask, I know this, but I don't know how to put my words together to satisfy an answer.
"He's...he was my friend." I start, voice barely above a whisper, unable to meet Luke's intense gaze any longer.
"Your friend," Luke echoes, and I can feel his eyes trained on me. He removes his hand from mine before moving further away from my spot on the bed and my heart twists almost painfully.
He's so done with you. He doesn't even want to be near you.
"Come here, baby." His voice shocks me, as I half expected him to be halfway out the door as to not waste anymore of his time. But, as usual, I was wrong, and Luke is propped against my pillows with his legs stretched out, beckoning me to his outstretched arms.
I wish I could say my heart doesn't absolutely melt at the sight of him, but I've already lied enough today.
I crawl over to him without another second of hesitation, scolding myself for jumping to conclusions yet again as I do so. I don't get very far before Luke's hands are grabbing my waist and tugging me to his chest, where he wraps a careful arm around me to hold me in place. My head rests in the crook of his shoulder and I shiver when his fingers run along the exposed skin of my side that's nearly on top of him.
I let myself breathe out a harsh breath, trying to calm my heart rate while I comprehend what's happening at the moment. I'm not even sure how we got here, after not speaking for days and both of us becoming visibly upset.
All I know is that is that it feels right, and I haven't felt that like since the last time I was with him.
"I thought you were embarrassed of me." The thought escapes me before I have a chance to reel it back.
Luke stills. "What?"
I suck in a breath and prepare to repeat myself. "I thought you-"
"Baby, I know what you said. I just don't understand why you would ever think that." I can't distinguish the tone of his voice, but I sense a bit of sadness.
"Because I'm not your type." I whisper.
Luke responds immediately, propping my head up with a hand under my chin to look up at him as he scans my face rather frantically. "I knew that was bothering you." He huffs out a breath and I purse my lips at his statement. "Why don't you believe me, Lis? Why do you keep trying to convince yourself that I don't like you?"
I avert my eyes down, but Luke squeezes my hip to tug me even closer, clearly not liking my lack of responsiveness. "Look at me, little girl." I reluctantly do, feeling quite powerless under the intensity in his eyes.
"Tell me the truth. Does it have something to do with Cade?"
My heart pounds mercilessly, because both of us know the answer already, but I'm too much of a coward to say it, so I just nod slowly.
Luke's jaw clenches the slightest bit at the action and I swallow nervously.
"Did he hurt you?" His voice is strained, laced with anger.
"He did a lot of things." I say vaguely, unable to give a straight answer. Luke's hand moves to hold my neck, fingers tangling in my hair behind my head.
He's trying to keep himself calm, I can tell. It eases me slightly, as I know we won't get anywhere if he lets his anger control this conversation. When he speaks he uses the softest tone he can muster, and it makes my heart swell every time.
"I know you don't want to," he swallows. "But I need you to tell me, baby. Tell me what he did to you. Tell me what he did to make you not trust me." He runs his thumb along the skin of my neck.
"I do trust you," I say quickly, willing the both of us to believe the words. "I-I've always trusted you, Luke."
His eyes soften but he's unconvinced. "You ran out on me, Lis. You won't let yourself believe what I feel for you, and I need to know why," my heart leaps as he brings his other hand from my waist up to my hair, where he tucks the first pieces gently behind my ear.
"I need to know why, so I can spend all of my time convincing you that it isn't true."
My lips part as I look up at him, nearly overwhelmed by the amount of care he looks at me with. I hadn't expected him to be so adamant about changing my skeptical ways, but I feel hopeful.
Hopeful because if there's any one person who can help me see the truth, it's undoubtedly Luke.
"I hate him, Luke. So much." I whisper.
He's gives me a sad smile. "I know you do, baby."
There's not a single part of me that wants to relive anything that has to do with Cade. Even my best friends can't bring him up without my temper taking over, making me snap at them when they don't deserve it.
"I won't hurt you, Elise. I won't hurt you like he did."
But something about the way Luke holds me against him, and the way he looks at me with every bit of his attention, has any remnants of anger nearly out of sight.
"Promise?"
It's stupid, I know, but I can't find it in me to care too much in this particular moment, because I feel Luke's soft lips press against the skin on my forehead in a gentle kiss.
"Promise, baby."
And it's like the final push I needed to risk opening up, because everything in me suddenly wants Luke to know, even if it brings back unwanted emotions.
So I tell him everything.
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HEY.
V SOFT CHAPTER, YEAH?
Took a bit longer to update soz BUT A BITCH IS DONE WITH FINALS AND BACK HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS SO TIME TO WRITE NONSTOP!
Next chapters will be a bit ~different~ but in a good way and it will clear up SO much for ya.
I live for any comments you have omg pls continue because it makes me feel like I've written something worth reading!
Love y'all!
-tay ♡