It's May and my relationship with Ben is still unclear.
I was totally okay with it in the beginning, but now we've been seeing each other for a few months and I want to know if this is going to go anywhere.
So one evening when I go over to his place, instead of making out with him the second I walk through the door, I tell him we need to talk.
He frowns, a little confused, but he smiles at me and leads me to the living room.
When we're both sitting down, I ask, "What are we?"
"Huh?" He's playing dumb.
"What is this?" I motion between the two of us. "Us? Are we dating? Are we just hooking up? Are we exclusive? I'm sorry, but I just need something."
"Why do we need to label this? Aren't things going well?" he asks.
It feels like it's cop out, that kind of answer. All I'm thinking though is that I don't want to let Holt be right about Ben.
"Things are going well, that's why I want to know what this is," I answer.
"What we have now is good," he repeats, "And anyway, I don't really think you're ready to be in a relationship."
I'm frowning now. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"You're not in love with me yet, you're in love with Holt. And that's okay. But I would rather not be a seat filler."
My whole body clenches. "I'm not in love with Holt," I automatically answer.
Ben smiles softly at me. "Yes you are, and that's okay, I get it. Look, this isn't exactly easy for me either. This is all new to me. I came out just a couple of years ago. I was always attracted to men, so attracted, but I didn't want to be gay so I dated girls. I've never actually dated a guy. I've had sex with a lot of guys. I cheated on my girlfriends with guys, and kept telling myself that it was okay because it wasn't with a girl and that it wasn't real, and that I wasn't actually gay, I was just experimenting. And I was fooling myself. "
Good god, I really do have a type, don't I?
"I know what it looks like when someone is trying to fool themselves," he adds, looking me deadpan in the eyes.
I understand where he's getting at, but I won't admit to it. I can't. "I'm not fooling myself. I like you."
"I'm sure you do, but I don't want to be my first boyfriend's second choice."
I ignore that, and instead ask, "So, you've never had a boyfriend before? Even after coming out?"
"No."
"Why?"
He shrugs one shoulder. "I don't know, I guess all these years of convincing myself I was straight just made me unable to see myself with a man. In my head, when I see my future, it's still with a girl. Isn't it messed up?"
I smile sadly at him. What a pair we make. "I guess we're both a little messed up, huh."
Ben chuckles. "Yeah."
"Aren't we a match made in heaven?"