[JANE POV.]
❝ my baby don't laugh, all she do is cry, when she gets home, all she wants to do is die ! ❞
━ CHAPTER TWO.
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"OF COURSE I don't feel that way anymore."
he gave me a nod of reassurance and I watched as his expression transformed from anxious to relieved. it hurt to see him so happy that my past feelings were gone. though, I suppose just from that pain alone it was evident that they hadn't gone anywhere.
"well I miss you," he said hesitantly. we had never really been all too serious or sentimental towards one another in the past, and it wouldn't make sense to start now.
"yeah, so do I."
at least I had said one true thing throughout the conversation so far.
I couldn't lie, it made me happy to hear him say that he misses me. I couldn't help but milk it a little bit more.
"what do you miss about me?"
he shot me a look that made me smirk, as his eyes seemed to blare you caught me off guard. I raised my eyebrows in amusement as he trailed off into an "uhhh..."
"well you were funny. and you always made me laugh when we were together,"
"oh, I'm hilarious, aren't I?"
"totally," he said sarcastically as a smile crept up on his face. you have no idea how much I missed seeing that smile.
"and.." he went on, as I raised my brows once more in suspense.
"and? and what?"
"be patient," he laughed, which caused my stomach to do flips.
"and I guess you were just always fun to be around. and I just...miss you."
I looked at him like he was the first glimmer of light that I'd seen in months of shut doors and closed windows. he was everything to me. and all I wanted was to be with him.
***
it was in the eighth grade where I'd met max mayfield. she had just moved to hawkins from california, and she was cool. really cool.
she carried a skateboard down the hallways and didn't give two shits if someone called her a 'poser' or a 'freak'. she'd just laugh and flip them off, her freckles dancing around on her cheeks and her fiery red hair bouncing around her as she rode away on that skateboard.
it was only a matter of time before we became friends.
and only a matter of time before she came into the friend group, and instantly caught the attention of my best friend.
who could blame her, she was beautiful. she was everything I wanted to be and more.
it's hard to understand, but I think I always felt that way for mike. from the minute I met him. I think it just took me a while to realize it.
it was towards the end of seventh grade that the idea of mike being more than just a best friend to me crept into the corners of my mind, and once max arrived, the jealousy that had once slept soundly in my brain had awoken, and moved all of those bottled up feelings for mike into the middle- the very center of my thoughts.
but I could never let him know that.
my friendship with him was everything to me. it was the sole reason for going to school, for having the motivation to get out of bed, for doing anything, really. I wasn't going to sabotage that over some silly feelings that would probably pass in a month or two.
it was the only part of my life that made me happy, but through those first few months since max had arrived, all I could do was sit idly by and watch him make someone else happy. and it killed me inside.
it wasn't so much that they liked each other or that they started dating within a month of knowing each other, but it was the fact that I knew max's true motivations.
she had told me on the first week of our friendship that she was still hung up on her old boyfriend from california, and that she was desperate for a rebound. something- anything to get over that one boy.
and it was clear she'd picked mike to be that something, and knowing him, he fell right for it.
"can you at least tell him that you don't want anything serious? he'll be crushed once you break it off."
"hell no ives, he'd just break up with me. I know he wants something serious, and I'm not risking this just to spare his feelings."
"you don't even like him that way, why are you even doing this?"
"I need this. mike is the best distraction I've ever had, and I'm finally getting over the other guy, can't you just let the both of us be happy? I'll let him down easy, don't worry."
and then I finally told him myself. I'd had enough, seeing him being used that way. I didn't care about my feelings towards him, I just cared that he was with someone who deserved him. and that person was not max.
they broke up the very next day, and found a way to be casual friends once more within the next few weeks. middle school relationships usually worked out that way.
but the way I felt for him was different. sure, my love for him was unrequited, but it wasn't immature. it wasn't something I could've just gotten over in the span of a few weeks. it was real. at least, it was to me.
so I finally told him. and it was the biggest mistake of my life.
"hey," I said, panting as I pulled myself off of the bike and rested it against a tree.
"hey, so, what's this about? why'd you ask me to meet you here so late?"
"I just need to tell you something,"
"ok, spill."
we walked over to the park by his house and planted ourselves side by side in the creaky swings. the paint on the swing set was chipping like crazy, and with each subtle movement we'd make, a soft errrr would creak out. it wasn't ideal, but it was comfortable. anywhere was when it was just the two of us.
"so what is it?" he asked with impatience.
"calm down, I'll get to it."
"come on asshole, tell me now,"
"what if I like pissing you off?"
he shook his head in amusement as a smile came across his lips.
"screw you, just tell me,"
"okay."
it was never the same after that. I'd say something to him at the lunch table, and his only response would be a shrug, or a simple, "I don't know," or "okay." and that hurt me more than seeing him and max together. he hated me. he was uncomfortable around me. he couldn't be around me.
I expected him to not like me back. I told myself to not get my hopes up, but deep down inside, I did. I thought maybe, there was even the slightest chance that he felt the same way, but I'd never been so wrong.
what used to be comfortable silences turned into tense and awkward ones. what used to be fits of giggles and witty banter turned into one word replies and silent shrugs. what used to be jane and mike turned into strangers.
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"so what do you say?"
my train of thought came to a halt as his familiar voice rang through my ears.
"what do you mean?" I asked him with uncertainty. I had disassociated for a while, and had almost forgotten that we were still walking side by side, down those empty hallways after school. just like the good old days.
"well, you don't like me like that anymore, so it won't be weird anymore, right?"
"right," I said slowly, feeling guilt in the pit of my stomach.
"so, are we friends again?" he asked with what seemed like hope hidden away in his voice.
it had been so long since we'd talked. it was like every feeling that I thought I'd brushed away throughout our one year of not talking had all come rushing back to me in one big explosion of emotions. maybe I could do this. maybe I could finally get over him, and we could finally be just friends again. maybe what I thought I'd felt was all just made up in my head, and I made him out to be something he wasn't. maybe I was just a dumb idealist who fantasized our relationship and made it out to be something it wasn't.
or maybe what we had was real. maybe he just didn't realize it yet.
"yes," I said, feeling the first rush of bliss through my bones in what seemed like an eternity, "just friends."
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flashbacks and backstories are done and now the story begins. again excuse the errors I didn't read over this. I hope it wasn't too boring lol but I hope this whole idea and plot doesn't flop. there'll be a time skip in chapter 3 so prepare for that. anyways, thanks for reading!! hope you noticed the title of the song (haha calpurnia) lmao
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-sonorabee