I was up at four in the morning from another bad dream - I was having them a lot lately and I didn't know why. The last time I was plagued by nightmares was when I was six or something, I remember because I would refuse sleeping on my own. Jordan or Tristan - and on very special occasions even mom - used to tuck me in my own bed but somewhere in the middle of the night I would always end up in Noah's bed.
I couldn't remember what those dreams were about. I feel like a part of me has suppressed them in a box at the far back of my head, I couldn't reach it. Maybe it was for the better that I couldn't remember ...
I grabbed my phone and looked at the time, a quarter after five. I sighed and flipped over on my stomach. Trying to go back to sleep and catch another few hours wasn't an option - every time I closed my eyes I saw my mother's face. That look on her face, she looked so lost and sad.
I was angry with her, so angry for using her own daughter to get what she wanted. I couldn't fathom the thought that she could be so ignorant to the point that it completely surpassed her common sense. I was only thirteen but even I knew that she crossed the line. You'd think that after all the shit she went through, she'd know better. But I was wrong, I was wrong about so many things and for a second I thought that maybe I wasn't that much different from her. I had my fair share of stupid things I did, and I would be lying if I said I always used my common sense.
Like mother, like daughter.
Not wanting to think about the similarities between us anymore, I dragged myself out of bed. I decided to take a long shower - I could've taken a bath since no one was up yet but that pool incident was still too fresh in my mind.
After the shower I wiped away the damp on the mirror and I couldn't help but stare at my own reflection. Even though I got my period a few days ago, I still felt and looked the same. Wasn't puberty supposed to change your body or something? I still looked as flat as a surfboard and if it weren't for my face, people would probably mistake me for a boy.
I sucked my cheeks in, wondering when I'd lose all that baby fat and have cheekbones. I was the only one in the house with freckles peppered on the bridge of my nose and underneath my eyes. Noah used to have freckles too but as he got older they just disappeared. Freckles made me look younger than my age and even though Tristan thought they were adorable, I didn't want to be adorable anymore. Adorable is for toddlers. I wanted to be cute or pretty, you know, something that didn't sound like you were a child or a puppy.
I dropped my towel and took in the rest of my body. As I looked closer, I started noticing little, subtle changes. Even though I still didn't eat much, I felt a bit fuller, not much but enough to make my hips look filled out more if that made any sense. Maybe I didn't entirely look like a boy ...
And then there was the body hair that just grossed me out. I was lucky I was blonde and it wasn't that visible but still. Why do girls even need hair down there? Why do girls even need hair at all? The only hair I wanted was the hair on top of my head and my eyebrows.
My chest area though was what really depressed me. Nearly all my friends already wore a training bra or an actual bra and I didn't have anything to fill a bra. It was embarrassing. My mother was blessed in that compartment and she once assured me that I only needed to give it time.
Well, Mother Nature, hurry the fuck up!
I could hear Jordan's alarm from across the hallway and realized it was already six. I quickly picked up my towel and wrapped it back around me. I brushed my teeth and combed my hair when someone knocked on the door.
I securely tightened the towel around me and unlocked the door.
Jordan was still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he yawned, "G'morning."
"Do you think I'm pretty?" I asked abruptly.
He blinked several times as if trying to make sense of the words that came out of my mouth. "What?"
"Do you think I'm pretty?"
He paused, looking at me with a wary expression. "Yes," he said hoarsely, voice still thick with sleep and utter confusion. "You're very pretty, sweetheart."
"You're just saying that cause you're my brother." I started pushing past him when he took a hold of my arm.
"Wait hold on. Wh - what?"
I rolled my eyes. "Nevermind."
I made my way back to my room, leaving him behind in a dazed state. Before I closed the door I thought I heard him mutter something that vaguely sounded like please god give me strength.
FADED
Wednesday morning was like every other morning - hectic. Noah's books were all over the kitchen table as he quickly tried to finish his homework. He got home late last night from work and didn't have time to get to it.
Jordan stood behind Noah's chair and ran a hand through his unruly blonde hair. "You know maybe you're taking on too much, buddy."
"What do you mean?" he mumbled distractedly, scribbling down some notes.
"I mean you already have your hands full with school and football practice, maybe you should lay off a bit."
Noah craned his neck to look up at him. "Are you saying I should quit my job?"
Jordan sighed. "School's more important right now Noah. I don't wanna see your grades going down in exchange for a few bucks a week."
"Yeah well those few bucks are important to me. I need the money Jordan, I'm saving up for a new car."
"He's right," I spoke up. "Noah needs his own car so he can drive me around."
Noah snorted. "You wish."
Ashton plopped down on the seat beside me. "Actually, Noah needs his own car so he can show his girlfriend a good time. Take it from me bro, you haven't lived until you've had sex in the back of your own car."
"Ashton," Jordan warned.
I wrinkled my nose in disgust. "Sounds uncomfortable."
"Oh Jade..." Ashton smiled at me like I was the most precious thing in the world. "Squeaky, clumsy, painful, very physical sex is the best."
"Dude," Noah chuckled with a shake of his head.
Jordan crossed his arms over his chest, not amused at all. "Ash what did I tell you about talking about these things in front of your younger siblings?"
Ashton smirked cockily. "Oh come on, Jordy-boy, you should know what I'm talking about."
"Shut up," Jordan deadpanned.
"What was that girl's name again? Anna, Hannah?"
Noah snapped his fingers. "Savannah."
"Savannah," Ashton repeated slowly, letting the name roll over his tongue. A dreamy look crossed his features. "She was hot! I would've tapped that if you hadn't been so selfish."
Jordan gritted his teeth. "Ashton I swear to god if you don't shut your mouth I won't let you use my car this weekend."
"Speaking of cars," Ashton trailed off, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "That was a very special position I caught you in. Savannah looked very flexible."
The thought of Jordan being intimate with any girl grossed me out. It was weird because I had no problem with my other brothers doing that but Jordan was different. He was like a dad to me and in my world, dads don't have sex unless they wanna make a baby but that's the only exception. Jordan doesn't have any kids so in my mind he doesn't have sex. Like ever.
"Alright," Jordan nodded. "Enjoy staying home this weekend."
Ashton laughed, stealing another piece of bacon from Noah's plate.
Noah shoved his plate away from his reach. "Yo dickhead, stop eating all my food!"
"Hey I'm a growing boy, I need it," he shot back, licking the grease from his thumb.
I shot him a disgusted look. "All that fat will probably stunt your growth."
"Well then, maybe I should give it to you." He looked me up and down with a cocky grin. "It might help you ... fill out."
I blushed and covered my chest with my arms.
Jordan smacked the back of Ashton's head. "Leave her alone."
"Aww JJ, I was just joking." Ashton slung his arms around me and tried to kiss the side of my face.
"Get off of me!" I groaned. "Get off!"
He finally let me go but kept one arm draped over my shoulder despite me trying to shrug it off. He poked my cheek several times.
"Smile," he ordered.
I waited until he tried to poke my cheek again so I could bite his finger off.
"Are you gonna cry?"
"No," I sniffed. My vision did get blurry all of a sudden but I quickly cleared it. I hate being an emotional mess. Lauren told me that periods only lasted like around five days but it was only my third day and I already wanted it to stop.
"Ashton apologize," Jordan grunted.
Ashton hugged me to his side despite my attempt to push him away. He mumbled an apology in my ear which I thought was strange because that was so unlike him. Ashton never cared if he hurt somebody's feelings, even now when he joked about one of my biggest insecurities I still didn't expect him to apologize.
I jerked away from him, feeling weird at the display of affection. I picked up my fork and played around with my food. This caught Jordan's attention. He frowned when he saw I had only taken a few bites.
"You okay, baby? You still got cramps?"
"No." I blushed again without wanting to and shook my head. "The - the pills helped a lot. Thanks by the way."
"You're welcome. Now finish your breakfast."
Not in the mood to argue, I picked up my fork and pushed around my food. I could practically feel Jordan's gaze on me and I knew he wasn't going to let go until I was eating. I stabbed a piece of bacon and eggs onto my fork and reluctantly put it in my mouth.
Noah nudged me under the table. "What's wrong?"
"Everything."
It was only three days ago when I got my period, a transition to a new chapter in my life and I didn't feel ready for it. It was only two days ago when I learned that I was taken advantage of. And it was only a day ago when my mother confessed and got admitted into rehab. Like I said, everything was wrong.
"I wanna see mom," I suddenly said, taking them all by surprise.
Jordan's eyes softened. "Jade, do you think that's a good idea right now?"
"No," I admitted. "But I still wanna see her. I have questions. A lot of questions."
"I know you do," he sighed as he ran a hand down his face. "But she's not well at the moment, you saw her baby, she's sick. She doesn't have any control over her own actions, she says stuff she doesn't mean. I don't think now is the right time - "
"You never think it's the right time," I cut him off.
"Doesn't matter anyway," Ashton interjected. "She only just got admitted. They probably won't allow us to visit her until she's progressed with the treatment."
"I can still call her."
No one responded and I let out an annoying huff through my nose.
"Fine. If you're not letting me contact her then I wanna see the picture."
This time Ashton snapped his head towards me. "Why the hell would you wanna see it?"
"Because it's a picture of me, I'm in it, so I have every right to see it."
"It's just a picture Jade. There's not much to see." Jordan sounded calm and collected but looks could be deceiving. He was constantly clenching and unclenching his jaw and I knew him well enough to know that that was a sign of anger and irritation. But I wasn't on the receiving end of it, that much I could tell.
"If it's just a picture then why won't you let me see it?"
I caught Noah looking between Ashton and Jordan and I realized I wasn't the only one left in the dark about this. He probably didn't know this but knowing that I wasn't the only one made me feel less lonely, less excluded.
"We don't even have the picture." Ashton ran his fingers through his inky black hair, scratching his scalp, a nervous tick of his which only led me to believe he was doing a poor job of lying.
"Yes you do," I insisted. My eyes darted to Jordan's phone on the kitchen table. Quick as lightening but not quick enough, I tried to grab it but Ashton was faster. It only proved my point though. "I knew it."
Jordan took his phone from Ashton and tucked it in his back pocket. He caught my eye and stared at me for a long time as if contemplating his next decision.
"I'll show it to you," he started but got interrupted by Ashton.
"Like hell you will," he spat.
Jordan held up a finger to shut him up before addressing me once again. "I will show it to you, but not now."
"When?" I demanded.
"When I'm ready."
I scrunched up my face in confusion. "When you're ready?"
"Yes when I'm ready," he said, his tone final.
I heard a car pull up at our driveway, followed by a loud honk. Tristan.
Noah and I pushed away from the table and got ready to go. Jordan kissed us both on top of our heads, mumbling love you's and if I hadn't been so frustrated I would've said it back.
FADED
"Do you got any plans tomorrow after school?" Tristan asked me as he drove Noah and I to school.
"I don't know," I mumbled, fiddling with the seatbelt.
He caught my eye through the rearview mirror and tossed me a little smile. "We need to get those ears pierced before I change my mind about it."
"Yeah okay."
He noticed my lack of enthusiasm and frowned. "What's wrong princess?"
I shrugged, I was really not in the mood to elaborate. It didn't matter what I said he was going to take Jordan's side either way and I didn't want to get into another argument.
"It's mom," Noah spoke up from the front seat. "Is it true? About the picture thing. She'd really do that?"
Tristan sighed, anticipating the direction this conversation was heading to. "Desperate people do desperate things - or in mom's case, stupid things."
"Jordan and Ash won't tell us anything about the picture," Noah started, fidgeting in his seat in discomfort. "I mean it doesn't take rocket science to guess why that is."
Tristan cleared his throat but didn't say anything else, although I did notice his knuckles turn white as he gripped the steering wheel.
"Why won't you let her see it though? I mean it's hers, it's not fair to deny her that."
My heart fluttered as I realized Noah was standing up for me. It felt good to have someone backing you up. And I just knew that my request was perfectly normal even if our brothers made it look like I was insane for even asking.
Tristan ran his tongue along his front teeth. "Listen you guys won't understand. Just let us deal with this stuff - "
"We're not little kids anymore," I interjected. "If you think we won't understand, then just explain it to us. Why can't I see the picture?"
Noah turned in his seat to face him. "Yeah, why?"
Tristan didn't spare us a single glance, his eyes fixed on the road and I bet he was happy he didn't have to look at us.
"It's evidence."
I raised a questioning eyebrow. "Evidence?"
He sighed. "Yes it's being used as evidence in an ongoing police investigation."
Noah suddenly sat up straight in his seat. "Jordan never told us anything about any investigation."
"You know what, forget about it, I already said too much," Tristan quickly added. "There's a reason why we decided to keep you kids out of this."
My mouth suddenly felt dry. "What investigation?"
Tristan looked at me again through the rearview mirror, his eyes tender. "You didn't honestly think we'd let this slide and pretend like it never happened, did you?" His focus was back on the road as he wrung his hands around the wheel. "She got money from selling that picture and we need to catch every fucker that laid their eyes on it."
I was quiet, letting everything sink in and try to realize the severity of the situation.
"Why's mom not arrested?" Noah asked the same question I dreaded to ask.
Tristan paused for a minute, collecting his thoughts to formulate the right answer. "We made a deal - we wouldn't turn her in if she promised to get help and fix her drug problem and if she participated with the investigation by giving us names and addresses of these sick fuckers."
"Wow," was all Noah said. He slowly ran a hand through his hair as he settled back down. His brows were furrowed and I could tell he had to recover from all that information.
I was speechless. I couldn't think straight, my thoughts were a chaotic mess inside my head. So many things crossed my mind, so many questions and words lingering at the tip of my tongue. I didn't know how I felt, I felt too much at the same time - anger, confusion, pain, sadness, hate ... Nothing made sense anymore but I was certain about one thing - I had to see my mother.
Tristan pulled up in front of the school and no one talked for a full minute.
Noah was the first to break the silence. He unbuckled his seatbelt and mumbled something about seeing us tonight.
Tristan stopped him with a hand on the back of his neck. He pulled him closer into a hug which Noah accepted. I caught Tristan whisper something in his ear before kissing his temple and letting him go.
Noah got out of the car and shut the door. He looked at me for a few seconds and I thought he wanted to say something but it seemed like he changed his mind.
I watched as my brother turned around and left, not noticing Tristan getting out of the car to open my side of the door. He stood next to me, blocking my view of Noah walking off.
"I'm sorry," he began saying, "I know I dropped a huge bomb on you two. I should've shut my mouth."
"No, no," I shook my head. "I'm glad you told us. No one tells us anything and I know you do it to protect us but I'm glad I know now."
"Still..." Tristan didn't look convinced as he tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "Please don't tell Jordan about this, he'll kill me."
"I won't," I promised.
"Okay. C'mere." He pulled me into a warm hug that seemed to engulf me entirely. He planted several kisses onto my cheek before pulling away. "Get inside before you're late."
I jumped out of the car and slung my backpack over my shoulder. I looked up at my brother and gave him a little smile as I hugged him tightly around his waist. "Thank you."
I felt awful and hurt knowing about what my mother had done to me but another part felt relieved to finally know the truth. It was like a weight off of my shoulder, a sudden light in the room after being kept in the dark for so long.
With a hand on the back of my head and the other rubbing my back, Tristan held me closely. He kissed the top of my head before sending me off with a swat.
I gasped as my hands flew to my butt. "Stop embarrassing me!"
"Go!" he laughed. "The longer I stand here, the longer these girls can ogle me."
I followed his gaze and found some girls snickering and whispering to each other as they checked my brother out.
Ew.
"Jade!" someone yelled.
I turned around and felt my stomach drop as I caught Angela jogging towards me. Warm, large hands cupped my shoulders from behind.
"It's okay. I'll be fine," I reassured him.
Angela was panting a little when she finally caught up to us. She smiled widely sending shivers down my spine.
"Good morning! Oh hey uh - Tristan right?"
My brother nodded. "Angela."
"Is it okay if I borrow Jade for a second?"
Tristan looked down at me, silently asking if I needed him to stay. It was sweet but I needed to stand up for myself. I would've loved to keep him around, I never trusted Angela around me but I could take this, I had to prove to her that I will no longer take her shit.
"I'll see you later," I told him.
Tristan found Angela looking at him and glared back at her, his eyes were deadly serious and held a silent threat. I think she got the message because I thought I heard her gulp. Tristan squeezed my shoulder before driving off.
"C'mon!" Angela intertwined our arms and guided me inside. "So how have you been?"
"Great," I said flatly, trying not to show the alarm bells going off in my head. "How're you?"
"Awesome," she answered with the same monotonous tone. "Happy birthday by the way."
I swallowed hard. "Thanks."
"I'm sorry I'm late with the birthday wishes but I didn't know about it until I saw some pictures of your party on Facebook."
Oops.
"Yeah, about that." I tried to gently pull away but her arm only tightened around mine, keeping me still. "Listen, I didn't even know about the party, it was a surprise. I'm not the one who sent out the invitations, it was my brother Noah. So if you wanna complain about it, you got the wrong person, it's him you need to find."
I know it was wrong to throw my own brother under the buss but last time I checked, Angela still had a massive crush on Noah - she would never confront him about anything.
Angela kissed her teeth and let out a dry chuckle. "So your brother decided to invite everyone from our grade except me?"
"Can you blame him?" I stopped dead in my tracks and finally managed to release myself from her tight grip. "After all the things you did to me? And forget about Noah, I didn't want you there either, Angela. That party was for friends and family only and I made it pretty clear that you're not my friend anymore, not when you nearly broke my nose."
Angela suddenly started laughing and for a moment I just knew she had lost her mind.
"Oh Jade, you think this is about me?" Her smile suddenly dropped so fast, I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. She took a step closer but I refused to buckle and kept my ground. "I don't appreciate the fact that my boyfriend lied about being at that party. He told me he had to babysit and then later I find pictures of him and you having fun."
"Angela, jealousy is an ugly trait. The only reason he didn't tell you about it is because we knew you'd throw a fit. And those pictures were of us having fun because guess what, we were having fun. And for your information, he wasn't lying, he had to leave early because he actually had to babysit."
I didn't realize I was inching closer to her until her back hit the wall and our noses almost touched.
Angela's nostrils were flaring, her hands balled up in fists at her side as if it took everything in her not to punch me in the face again.
"I know he was with you yesterday," she snarled.
"Yes, for our assignment. And you'll probably never believe it but we had a great time, we talked a lot and I learned some stuff about him he probably never told you. I used to hate him with every fiber of my body but things have changed, I guess you could say we're friend now and - "
She suddenly pushed me back and I almost lost my footing but quickly regained my balance.
"Shut the fuck up," she spat. "I swear to god if you don't stay away from him I will, I will ..."
"You will what?" I taunted. "I'll tell you what you're gonna do, you're not gonna do anything. How's that sound?"
She was practically bristling with anger, her dark eyes shooting daggers at me. "This isn't over," she forced through gritted teeth. Her shoulder slammed into mine as I watched her walk away.
My lips twitched into a smug smile. A few months ago I would've been shaking in my boots and now I couldn't bring myself to be scared of her anymore. She had nothing on me and she knew it.
Jade 1, Angela 0.
FADED
After school I texted Jordan to ask if I could get some ice cream with my friends. Sophie's sister Claire was going to drop us off and drive us back home. I was in the backseat with Lauren when my phone buzzed.
Okay, tell her to drive safe. You got money?
Yeah I got enough, I typed back.
I actually had more than enough - I still had money left from my dad. I asked myself if his wife wondered why it took so long for the cookies to arrive... I wish I could feel bad about it but I could care less.
Alright, have fun! PS don't make it late, Tristan and I need to talk to you about something xx
My eyes widened slightly, talk about what? Talk about my mother? Talk about the picture? The last time Jordan and Tristan wanted to have a talk with me was when he told us that Noah and I were officially going to move in with him. Or when Ashton's dad broke into our house and nearly set everything on fire. Or when my mother was arrested for stealing, he never told me exactly what she stole but I had my suspicions. Or let's not forget when Tristan told us he was engaged to Penny.
When Jordan and Tristan meant talk, they meant serious talk.
I chewed on my bottom lip, feeling my stomach tie up in knots. I already dreaded going back home.
"We're here," Claire announced as she pulled in front of an Italian ice cream shop. "I'll pick you guys up in an hour, okay?"
We all nodded and started to get out of the car when Claire suddenly called me back.
"Yeah?" I said as I lowered my head to her open window.
She was biting on the nail of her thumb, her black nail polish chipped. She didn't start talking until she made sure the girls were inside. "How's Ash?"
"Uhm, he's good I guess. Why?"
She shrugged and I couldn't help but sense nervousness coming off of her which was weird because Claire was like this bad chick no one could mess around with. I wondered what had her on edge.
"Can you tell him to return my calls?"
"I will ...," I trailed off. "Uhm, Claire just so you know, don't get your hopes up. I mean you know how my brother is, he's a manwhore."
She chuckled but it sounded tense. "Oh I know. I just have to talk to him about something. Just tell him to call me back, alright?"
I knitted my brows in concern. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine," she smiled off. "Text me when you guys are done."
I waited until she drove off before I got inside. I was looking around the place and found Sophie and Lauren sitting at the far back. I made my way over to them and took off my jacket before sliding into the booth, next to Sophie.
"What did my sister want?" she wanted to know.
"Something about her and Ash."
Sophie frowned. "That's weird. I mean her and Ash are just friends with benefits - "
"TMI, Soph," I cut her off.
"Well it's true," she insisted. "Yesterday I caught her crying in her room but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong. You think your brother's got something to do with it?"
I rolled my eyes. "It's Ash, all he ever does is make girls cry."
"Maybe she caught him with some other girl," Lauren suggested.
"Nah," Sophie shook her head. "Claire doesn't commit herself to any guy, she'd never expect from Ashton to be loyal to her. She could care less if he sleeps with someone else."
"Okay," I sighed, trying to change the subject. "Can we talk about something else please. Do you guys know what you're gonna get yet? I'm paying."
"Nice," Sophie grinned cheekily, quickly flicking through the menu. "I'm in the mood for chocolate today."
I chuckled. "You're always in the mood for chocolate."
"True," she laughed.
"Hey," Lauren nudged me under the table. "What's up with you and Angela?"
I didn't look up from my menu. "What do you mean?"
"She came up to me last period asking me if you were free after school?"
"What?" I picked up my head, my interest piqued. "Why?"
"She said she wanted to make it up to you or something. So are you gonna tell me what's going on between you two?"
I poked my tongue against the inside of my cheek. "We had an altercation this morning. I might have told her to kindly fuck off. Well not exactly the words I used but she got the point."
"Go Jade," Sophie proudly patted my shoulder.
Lauren bit the inside of her cheek. "Well she asked me if you were gonna be home and I said that we already made plans to go get ice cream."
"You told her where we were gonna be?"
"She wanted to know," Lauren defended herself.
"Omg Lauren," I groaned, burying my face in my hands. "Did it ever occur to you that she wanted to know so she could hunt me down and kill me?"
Lauren squinted her eyes. "I think you're exaggerating just a tiny little bit."
"It's Angela," I reasoned.
"We're in public, she wouldn't dare to do anything to you here," Sophie offered.
Just to be sure, I looked around the shop, scrutinizing every face when someone suddenly bumped into our table. I felt a wet, sticky substance running from my lap down my thighs.
"Oh shit! I am so sorry."
I looked up and saw a boy, looking around Noah's age, holding his half empty milkshake. He had dark hair, tanned skin and hazel eyes. I think he was new in town, I couldn't recall ever seeing him around.
"Here, let me help you clean it up." He put his cup down and got some tissues which he dabbed at my leg.
"Oh no, leave it, I'll do it," I offered nervously, moving my legs away.
He held them still with his hands and shot me a smirk. "I made this mess, the least I could do is clean it up."
It suddenly struck me that I was wearing a skirt and that it rode up a bit on my legs because I was sitting down. My cheeks turned red as I gently tried to push his hands away.
"It's fine, I got it."
"No, no, it's my fault," he insisted as he kept wiping at my bare legs.
I didn't like how he was persistent and how his hands were gripping my thigh. I was no longer flustered or embarrassed but just plainly uncomfortable. Feeling his fingers on my skin brought weird tingles up and down my back and an uneasy reaction that seemed oddly familiar.
His hands moved upwards, nearly getting under my skirt and I felt sick to my stomach. I grabbed his wrists and let out a shaky breath. "I said I got it."
He looked at me for a long second before letting go. "Just wanted to help," he sounded arrogant.
"And I told you I got it," I said firmly.
He put his hands up and took a step back. "Fine, don't have to be a bitch about it."
I got up from the booth and without giving him a second glance, I marched towards the restroom. I got some toilet paper and used it to wipe away the remaining milkshake off my legs. I was scrubbing so hard until my skin turned bright pink. The door behind me creaked followed by the sound of light footsteps.
"You okay?" Lauren's voice was soft.
I sniffed as I kept rubbing at my legs and thighs.
"Hey, hey, stop it. You'll hurt yourself." She gently grabbed the tissues from my hands and I let her, watching as she threw them in the bin. "What's wrong?"
I impulsively wiped away a lone tear with the back of my hand. "I don't know," I muttered through the big lump in my throat.
I honestly didn't know. That boy touching me brought up foreign emotions I didn't recognize. I only knew that I felt disgusted and outraged. I saw that glint in his eyes when he smirked, it wasn't harmless, it didn't feel innocent at all - he was enjoying every second his hands were on my skin. I shuddered.
Lauren hugged me and rubbed my back. "He's gone now. Want me to call Claire to come get us?"
I wanted to go home but then I remembered 'the talk' which I was dreading.
"No, it's fine. Let's go back, Sophie's probably waiting."
"You sure?"
I nodded.
As we went back to our table, we took our order. I got the same as Sophie because I didn't care enough to choose. My appetite was also gone but I didn't want to ruin this moment so I forced myself to take a few bites.
"Is it me or did he kinda look familiar?" Sophie suddenly spoke up.
"Never saw him before," Lauren answered. "Maybe he just has that face you know, the kind where you feel like you know them from somewhere."
"Yeah maybe," she mumbled around a spoonful of ice cream.
FADED
It was a quarter after six when I got home. This eventful day sucked the energy right out of me. I fell face down on the couch and let out a muffled scream into one of the pillows. Why does my life suck! Why does it feel like everything goes wrong, like what have I ever done to deserve to be this miserable?
A hand touched the back of my leg and I flinched so hard, I almost fell off the couch.
"Whoa, calm down," Ashton chuckled. He patted my hip and it took everything in me not to bite his hand. "Scoot over."
I moved to the other side of the couch, leaving a big space between us. Ashton raised a questioning eyebrow but didn't push. He picked up the remote and turned on the tv while putting his feet on the coffee table.
I realized I was being ridiculous - Ashton was my brother, he was nothing like that boy at the ice cream shop. I needed to get over myself. I allowed myself to stretch my legs and I let a little smile tug at my lips when Ashton automatically drew my feet onto his lap. He was tapping his fingers against my ankles, drumming along to some tune playing on tv.
"I saw Claire today," I said.
"Hmm."
"She wants you to call her back."
"Hmm."
"It seemed pretty urgent," I pressed. "Ash."
He looked away from the television screen and gave me an annoyed look. "Yeah I heard you."
I quieted and turned to watch some documentary about cage fighters, I tried to focus while blocking everything out. I silenced my thoughts, needing the rest - mentally and physically. It wasn't long before Tristan and Jordan walked through the front door carrying some take out.
I tensed up and instantly sat up. They both greeted me with a kiss but didn't say anything else. I was a bundle of nerves as I heard them talk in the kitchen.
"What do you think they're talking about?" I whispered to Ashton.
"The hell should I know."
I wanted to know what they were talking about but if I walked over to them, they probably would wanna talk and I didn't wanna have a talk, I wanted to avoid it as long as possible because in our family we never just had 'talks', talks meant bad news and I don't think I could handle more bad news, I wanted good news but if it was good news they would never tell me they needed to talk, they would just say it, so why the hell -
"Jade, sweetheart, can you come over for a second."
Fuck.
I froze.
Ashton started laughing at my face until I kicked him in the stomach. He doubled over in pain and shot me the deadliest glare ever.
"I'm sorry," I squeaked out.
"Oh you better run ... run like hell."
"I'm sorry," I repeated before sprinting into the kitchen where another trial was waiting for me.
Tristan pushed out a chair for me and patted the seat. "Sit."
My hands were locked behind my back, fiddling with the bracelet around my wrist. "What if I don't want to?"
"What if you don't have a choice," Jordan countered. "Just sit down, Jade."
"No," I refused. "First I need to know what this talk is about."
"You know what it's about," Tristan said.
"No I don't."
"Yes you do."
Now I was confused. "What?"
Jordan sighed. "The talk, Jade."
"The talk?" I heard myself repeat, utterly confused.
Tristan caught my eye and spoke slowly. "The talk."
"The talk," I whispered to myself, letting the wheels in my head turn and suddenly it dawned on me. "Wait, you mean the talk about the birds and the bees?"
"Took you long enough," Jordan barely rolled his eyes. "Now sit your tiny little ass down."
My eyes grew like saucers when it really sunk in. "Oh hell no!"
I was about to make a beeline to the stairs and lock myself in my room for the rest of the day but someone beat me to it. Ashton grabbed me around the waist and hoisted me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
I pounded my fists on his back. "Ash, put me down right now!"
"Nice knickers," he snickered. "I never knew you were still a big fan of Bambi."
"I hate you so much right now!" My hand flew behind my back in an attempt to tug my skirt down. He put me back on my feet but I wasn't done, I lunged at him when another pair of strong arms held me back.
"Calm down," Jordan grunted in my ear.
Ashton was still laughing.
"SHUT UP!"
Tristan smacked him upside his head. "Knock it off."
Jordan sat down and pulled me in his lap, securing his arms around me as if making sure I wouldn't try to run off again.
"Let me go Jordan," I squirmed but it was useless. "I already know everything."
"I doubt it," Ashton commented with a smirk.
Tristan turned to him. "Get the fuck out."
Ashton snorted. "You crazy, if you're gonna have the talk with her I wanna be in the front row." He made a show of sitting on a chair, close to us. "Please go on, pretend I'm not here."
"I swear to god if you don't shut your mouth - "
Ashton smiled at Tristan and pretended to lock his lips and throw away the key. He winked at me when he noticed I was fixing him with a dirty look.
"Alright then, here goes nothing," Jordan exhaled loudly. His hold loosened just a little bit but not enough for me to escape. "When you got your period a few days ago, Tristan and I realized that we never sat down with you to talk about - "
"Look," I interrupted him. "They already covered this at school, I know how girls get pregnant - something about sperm and eggs, anyway, it's nasty and I will never let a boy's thing get that close to me. I'm planning on dying a virgin, happy?"
"Very," Ashton commented.
"SHUT UP!" I yelled at him.
"Sit down." Jordan pushed me back down against his chest.
"Jade." Tristan clasped his hands together and leaned his elbows on his knees. "Do you know what happens inside your body when you have your period? Your body chemicals or hormones cause your ovaries to release one egg about once a month. Once a month, the egg and the lining of your uterus come out of your - you know - as your period, that's what we call the menstrual cycle. This cycle is what makes it possible for a woman to have a baby. During sexual intercourse, the egg can get fertilized by a man's sperm and then attach - "
I put my hands on my ears, I could no longer take this. "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ..."
"Hey, do you think we're having a field trip with this?"
"I am," Ashton snickered.
Before I could even think about hurting his ugly face, Jordan tightened his arms around me.
"Listen I already told you guys I know how babies are made, so can you please skip that part?" I almost begged. "Besides, you need to have this talk with Noah instead, he's the one that's having sex with his girlfriend."
"That's my boy," Ashton muttered under his breath. Double standards much?
"This isn't about Noah, this is about you," Jordan reminded me before going back to where he left off. "Right, where was I? Another important thing we need to talk about is that you're gonna experience some changes when it comes to your body - "
"Okay I'm done."
"Sit down," he ordered. "Now that you hit puberty you're gonna start making the change from being a child to being a woman. You're gonna get taller, your body shape is going to change, you're gonna have another way of thinking, emotional changes, you might even get some pimples," he joked.
I snorted. "I just wanna know when I'll finally grow some boobs."
"You need to give it some time," Tristan said, his lips twitching as he tried not to laugh. Jerk. "Why are you suddenly so obsessed about having boobs?"
"I don't know," I mumbled.
Jordan cleared his throat. "Well, you're gonna notice that your hormones also affect your self-esteem and body image. You're gonna be aware of your body and looks which is perfectly normal. Just try not to change too much," he said the last part into my ear with a kiss on my cheek.
"You're also gonna start to feel certain things towards the opposite sex," Tristan continued. "You might feel attracted to someone or someone else will feel attracted to you."
Ashton scoffed. "Not if they have a death wish."
Tristan reached out to hold my hands and rubbed his thumbs on my knuckles. "We know that this isn't easy for you, being in a testosterone filled house full of boys with no one to understand what you're going through but that doesn't mean we're not there for you."
Jordan squeezed me tighter. "He's right, we're sorry you have to grow up without any female guidance but I promise we'll try really hard to listen and help you. You can always come to us, don't ever feel embarrassed or scared to ask whatever's on your mind."
"Yeah, stay away from the internet," Ashton added. "Stay away from porn too, that shit is fake as fuck."
"I'm sure there's a lot of things we forgot to mention but I think we covered enough for today," Tristan grinned, pinching my blushing cheeks.
"You got any questions?" Jordan asked.
I lifted my hand up and pushed my lips against my teeth as I tried to think. "I don't think so."
"Just don't ever have sex and you'll be fine," Ashton assured me.
"Okay, glad we got this over with." Tristan rose to his feet and casted a look at his watch. "I'm gonna go pick up Noah from practice and then we can eat 'cause I'm starving."
"You're always starving," Ashton commented casually.
I got to my feet and took Jordan by surprise when I suddenly kissed his cheek. I turned around and did the same with Tristan.
"Thanks for being great brothers."
Tristan stroke my cheek. "You're welcome, babe."
"Yeah, anything for you," Jordan smiled down at me, playfully flicking my nose.
"What am I, chopped liver?" Ashton complained. "I don't get a kiss?"
"No," I scowled. "You made fun of my knickers."
"That's me showing you how much I love you."
"Yeah right. I'm gonna get changed and do my homework. Call me when dinner's ready."
"Hey, get back here and give me my kiss!" Ashton yelled as he chased me.
"No!" I giggled, spurting to my room.
"How many times do I have to tell you guys, no running in the house!" Jordan shouted from the kitchen.
I squealed when Ashton caught me.
FADED
I was sleeping when I felt someone shake my shoulder. I groaned and pulled the covers up to my chin.
"Hey," someone nudged me. "Wake up."
"Go away," I moaned groggily. I turned on my other side, facing away and trying to go back to sleep. I was slowly dozing off again when I felt a cold breeze against my bare skin. I shivered and blindly patted around me, searching for my blanket. I felt something tickle the back of my knee and groaned, why won't they just let me sleep?
The fingers were trailing up and down the side of my leg now and my eyes flew open. I stiffened, scared to move. I could hear a weird humming sound, some song I didn't recognize, a voice I didn't recognize. The hand was freely roaming my skin and I felt my heart beating out of my chest. The touching stopped but I was terrified to do anything, I couldn't even breathe. The cold fingertips were back and when they were inching their way under my shorts, I suddenly bolted upright.
I had a hard time making out the person crouching next to my bed. The moonlight trickled through the curtains lighting half of my room and bathing him in a dark shadow.
"W-who are y-you," I stuttered, pushing my back against the wall and tucking my feet under me.
"It's me," I could hear him smile.
"Tell me who you are or I'll scream."
"Shhh, it's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you." His hand trailed to my bare feet where he tapped each toe. "I just wanted to clean you up."
"W-what?"
"Why wouldn't you let me help you?" He leaned closer, revealing his face to me.
The blood drained from my face when I recognized him from the ice cream shop. For some reason I felt paralyzed, every instinct told me to run but I felt glued to the spot. How did he get in here? What was he doing here? How did he find me?
Why couldn't I talk?
My tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth and I suddenly lost the ability to use my voice.
He put his finger on my lips. "Shhh, it's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you."
He trailed his fingertips over my face - first my eyebrows, down the bridge of my nose then my chin.
"Isn't she pretty?" he whispered as he cupped my face. Who the hell was he talking to? His hands slid down to my shoulders and my arms. He encircled my waist and then my hips and then my legs. He was taking his sweet time as if memorizing every inch of my body.
Tears were rolling down my cheeks, I felt trapped inside my own body. I was numb, I wanted to push him away, kick him, punch him. I wanted to yell for my brothers to help me but my voice was lost. I was quiet but inside I was screaming.
GET OFF OF ME!
"You're so pretty," he soothed.
His voice sounded different all of a sudden. It wasn't his, it belonged to a man, someone older than him. It sounded familiar but in my frightened and distraught state I couldn't connect the dots.
"Shhh, it's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you."
There it was again, his face, his mouth but not his voice.
His hands burned on my skin, I didn't like it, I didn't like it, I wanted it to stop. Please make it stop.
"Jade."
The hands were rougher now, hurting me, shaking me, bruising me.
"Shhh, it's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you. Shhh, it's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you. Shhh, it's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you," he kept on repeating over and over again.
I didn't remember how I managed to cover my ears. I didn't remember how I found my voice again, begging him to stop.
"Please stop," I choked out. "P-please."
"Jade!"
My eyes were pinched close, my breaths were coming out ragged. I was trembling and sweating and crying, I was a mess. I just wanted it to stop.
"Jade, open your eyes."
I vigorously shook my head. I just wanted it to stop.
Strong hands were around my wrists, trying to pull them away from covering my face. I screamed and I was so glad I got my voice back, that I used it again. I screamed and screamed. I kicked and scratched at everyone who tried to touch me. Why couldn't they just stop touching me?
"S-s-stop, p-please sto-o-p," I sobbed until my chest hurt too.
"Jade, Jade," someone grabbed my hands away from hurting them or myself I couldn't tell. "It's just a dream, it's just bad dream baby girl. You have to wake up, babe, c'mon open those pretty eyes for me."
I didn't realize I was still shaking my head. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, ..."
Why was everything so damn loud?
"Jade you gotta wake up. Please," the voice sounded desperate. I suddenly felt my hands on someone's face. "Look it's me, it's Jordan. Can you feel it?"
I could feel the beginnings of a beard scratching the palm of my hands. My fingertips went to the lips and the chin where I felt a tiny little scar and I gasped at the familiarity of it.
"There you go, good girl," the voice said as the lips moved against my fingers.
I realized that it suddenly got quiet, peaceful. I also realized that I had stopped screaming, maybe that's why...
I slowly opened my teary eyes, blinking several times. I was panting and shaking so hard it felt like my bones were going to chatter any given second.
"There she is," Jordan whispered.
I took a shaky breath trying to snap back to reality. I caught movement at the other side of my room and noticed Noah and Ashton standing there, looking like a mix of shock and concern. What the hell just happened?
"You were having a nightmare," Jordan said softly.
I instantly looked down at my lap and found bloody scratches on my legs. I teared up again.
"T-there was s-someone inside m-m-my room," I sobbed.
"There's no one in here," he reassured me.
"No!" I shook my head again, letting my hair fly around my face. "He was h-here! H-he was right here!"
"Jade, who was here?" Ashton asked.
"I-I don't kno-ow," I hiccupped. It wasn't the guy from the ice cream shop, it looked like him but it wasn't him I just knew, it wasn't his voice.
Jordan stroke my hair back from my face and I flinched at first but soon calmed down when I reminded myself that he would never hurt me.
"There was no one else in the room, sweetie, it was just a nightmare," he crooned.
"You have to ch-check. P-please check," I begged.
He seemed hesitant for a second but then his gaze softened. "Alright," he nodded.
I watched as he checked every inch of my room - my closet, under my bed, behind the curtains, out of the window. The second I knew he came up with nothing, was the moment I allowed myself to let my guard down. He was right, it was just a bad dream and the realization of it hit me hard, real hard.
I broke down in tears again and sobbed my little heart out. Jordan lifted me up onto his lap and hugged me so tight, I felt like nothing could get me anymore.
"It's okay now, baby, you're safe," he muttered into my ear while rocking me back and forth.
"I was s-so s-scared," I bawled my eyes out. "It felt s-so real."
"I know, I know," he tenderly kissed my face. "Here, drink some water."
Noah passed me a bottle of water but I was still shaking so hard I couldn't even lift it to my lips without spilling it all over myself. Jordan held it for me and helped me take a few sips. He ran his hands through my hair and stroked my cheek.
"Let's get you cleaned up, okay?"
I didn't say anything, I was too exhausted.
"Do you need help?" Noah asked.
"No I got this, you go back to bed," Jordan told him as he lifted me up in his arms.
"Okay," he breathed. Noah leaned over and quickly kissed my cheek before going back to his room.
"You too Ash, go get some sleep."
Ashton was leaning against my doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest. He was staring off into the distance, his jaw ticked. "It's happening again."
Jordan sighed. "Ash, please not now."
"What do you think triggered it?"
"I don't know." I was nodding off again, barely catching what they were saying. "We'll talk about this tomorrow."
I felt a pair of warm lips on my forehead and then the tip of my nose. "I'm sorry," Ashton whispered into my ear.
What was he aplogzing for? I wish I could ask him but I was too tired, I was so tired.
I winced when the cold surface of the toilet seat touched my skin, it woke me up with a start. I squinted from the sudden bright light of the bathroom and watched as Jordan took the first aid kit from the cupboards. With his back turned to me I could suddenly see all the tiny scratches on the back of his shoulders and neck. There were even some on his arms and hands.
Tears welled up in my eyes again and my bottom lip trembled.
Jordan noticed and quickly crouched down between my legs, holding my hands. "What's wrong sweetheart?"
"I didn't mean to hurt you," I cried in a small voice.
He followed my gaze and quickly understood. "Jade, you don't have anything to be sorry about. I'm fine." He picked up my hands and planted a quick kiss on the back of each hand. "Let's take care of you first, you did quite the number on yourself."
I still felt too numb to feel the pain I inflicted on myself. My nails were slightly tinged red from my own blood. Who knew I could cut this deep.
Jordan didn't waste any more time and started on cleaning the scratches right away.
"Did you had this dream before?" he asked me.
I snapped my eyes open, I was dozing off again.
"No," I mumbled. "I've been having strange dreams lately but nothing like this."
"What kinda dreams?"
"I don't remember, I just know they were bad dreams."
He finished cleaning the wounds on my legs and used Band-Aids on the ones that wouldn't stop bleeding.
"Do you remember what you dreamed tonight?"
"It felt so real." I whispered, biting back another sob. "H-he was touching m-me and I didn't like it. I didn't l-like it Jordan. I wanted it to stop and-and I wanted to scream for h-help but I couldn't, I c-couldn't - "
"Shhh, take it easy," he soothed, smoothing back my hair. "Deep breaths, there you go, deep breaths. That's my girl."
"I was so scared."
He cupped my face and wiped away my tears with the pad of his thumb. "Look at me, I will never let anything happen to you, alright. As long as I'm around, I'll keep you safe. You have my word."
"I know," I nodded timidly.
It was only later that I would find out that Jordan wasn't a superhero no matter how hard he tried, he wasn't as invincible as I thought he was. At the end of the day he was just human and no matter how hard he tried, there were just some things he couldn't protect me from.
PLEASE READ THIS IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE
So for the past few months I've been getting pm's from my readers and other fellow Wattpad users telling me that there are some stories out there that look a lot like mine. I usually contact the authors and kindly ask them to change their plotline or characters to make it look less like FADED. Anyway luckily most of them understand the issue and were willing to do something about it.
What I wanted to ask you guys is if you ever notice a story similar to mine (and I don't mean the concept of a dysfunctional family but characters who have the same personality and antics as mine, specific things happening to the characters that also happened to mine, the same backstories as mine, ... you get the point) please tell me. I'm so busy lately that I barely have time to read any stories on Wattpad, which means that I'm not aware of people copying my stories. So if you do come across one, don't do anything just tell me and I'll check it out and decide if it's a copyright infringement or not. I already had a few of my lovely readers who have reached out to me and I would like to thank you guys again (you know who you are :p)
Anyway sorry for the long ass A/N, please tell me what you thought of the long ass chapter xxx
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