"NO" he yells before I get up the bed. Tears are filling my eyes making it hard to see clearly. "I don't want too. It's just what Andrew told me, it scared me" he tries to catch my hand but I jerk it away.
"I'm scared that my life will be too much for you to handle, you have your own life, and when- I mean if we will keep seeing each other and go public, your life will change. I really like talking to you and being with you, I'm just scared I'll get too attached to you and you'll just leave because my life is too intense for you."
I wipe my tears with the back of my hands, "well even if you weren't famous, I could always get up and leave. That's part of life. And you can't live your life with fear, you have enough pressure on your back, I am not the person who you should feel this way with" I tell him.
"I know, it's just the last girlfriend I had, she wanted to be with me only for sex and for the fame. Of course, we kept it a secret and still to this day no one knows about her but still. She just wanted me for sex. And I hated that feeling. And you are nothing like that. I know that, But what if I am? I kind of felt like I was doing to you what that girl did to me... and I didn't want you to feel that way. That I'm using the fact you aren't famous, and that I'm using you for sex. I remember last time I was here before I flew to Florida, you said you didn't want to just have sex with me if I'm not gonna be around and we're barely going to see each other... I just don't want you to feel pressured. Or like I don't care. " He says
"Shawn..." I whisper through my tears. "You don't need to explain it to me. I get it. It's really fine. And yeah.... last time you were here, I wasn't sure if I wanted this 100%.. but now I do, you just need to remember that I'm here with you now... whenever you need me, last few weeks were so amazing, Even though we hadn't met in person, You really made me happy." I say.
" I just didn't want to suffocate you. I didn't want you to feel like the only thing I care about is sex. And the fact you can come over and go whenever you want and no one will be suspicious." He says. I smile at him, "I know that. But if I'm honest, it's kind of fun I can just sneak in here whenever we feel like it." He chuckles. "You are really amazing, you know that?" He says. He shifts a bit, pulling me down to lie down with him, my head between his neck and his shoulder.
I feel his heart beating underneath my cheek. I blush. He is really here. I can't even believe how lucky I am.
He puts his hand on my shoulder pressing me closer to his chest. "I'm flying in 4 days.. and I'll probably come back in 3 months." He says. "I don't know how I will survive without you. After I met you I don't remember my life before you. Talking to you after every show, before I catch a flight when I'm on my way to an interview... You are there with me." He says.
I put my hand on his heart, moving my head to look up at him. "We'll be fine," I tell him
"I'm so lucky to have you," He says looking at the ceiling then at me.
He leans in, looking me in the eyes asking for permission before he kisses me, I shift my whole body so now I'm on top of him, smashing my mouth to his, letting all of my raw emotion and need for him out with the kiss... "Oh shit." I stop, move to the check what time it is. "Shawn I'm So Sorry. But I need to go" I tell him.
"What?" he sits down. I stand up watching him. " What is going on? Where are you going?" Shawn asks. Looking worried. I sit down
"I told you... I have plans tonight. We have girls night" I say. "we got sucked into the conversation, I'm sorry. But I really should go" I say kind of regretting wanting to hang out with the girls.
"Oh," he says upset. "I'm sorry. I'll come back tomorrow night. And we can just hang..." I say looking deep into his eyes.
"Ok, yeah we can hang.. and maybe do other stuff too...." he winks at me. He is so confusing sometimes, but I can't deal with him.
I jump on the bed, not wanting to actually go, after the conversation we just had, could I? I kiss him, And I feel his body stiffening beneath me... I kiss him deeper, groaning as I think about maybe I should just stay here.
I let go, leaving him breathless and groaning wanting me to stay "I have to go," I say before I change my mind. "I'll be here tomorrow after classes," I tell him. "bye have fun," he says smiling at me. "bye"
I walk back to my car, I mean Alex's car and drive back to campus.
I open the door to our room, wishing they are here and we can have our night together. The door opens and I see Maya Rachel and Alex just eating pizza and watching another movie. I smile at my friends walking up to them sitting next to them grabbing a slice of olive pizza.