Monday came sooner than I had hoped it would. Since Friday night, Logan has tried to call me and text me, which made me upset and mad. Mad because I told him to stay away from me and upset because there was that constant part of me that wanted to pick up the phone and answer him. I spent the weekend replaying the past few months in my head wondering what was a lie and what wasn't. I also spent it listening to all his voicemails over and over. Everything he did seemed genuine, but at the same time he had been lying about who he was.
The bell for break rang, which took me out of my thoughts. I had realized as Frankie was putting his books in his book bag that I hadn't paid attention all class. I glanced down at my notebook and only saw that I had two sentences written. My thoughts had finally come into reality to pack up and leave with Frankie. He had asked me on a few occasions already today why I was acting different than usual, but I just lied and made the excuse that I was tired. I parted ways with him and went to my locker.
After exchanging books and shutting the door, I looked up and Logan fell into my line of view. He wore a look of desperation on his face like he was yearning to speak a word to me as he leaned up against the wall in the distance. I felt the sting of tears as my vision of him became blurry. Before he could see me cry, I swiftly turned around to avoid any kind of confrontation. I was mentally crossing my fingers that he didn't show up to gym class.
~
"So where the fuck is Logan today?" Macy interrupted my thoughts of him.
"He's here," I vaguely answered hoping that'd be the last time she said his name.
"Okay. Where though?" She questioned again.
"Macy, he's at school, but forgive me for not knowing his exact location okay?" I replied harshly, not intending for it to sound like it did.
After I said that , everyone went quiet at the table in the cafeteria. I felt the glare of Frankie, Teddy, Alivia, and Macy's eyes on me because of my answer I assume.
"What's your problem today?" I heard Alivia voice across the table.
"Listen, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say it like that, it's just that he isn't the person I thought he was. I don't really want to get into it."
"Did you see him with another girl?" Teddy asked.
"No, nothing like that, he just lied about a lot of things, but it doesn't matter anymore," I then keep my head down and say quietly, " because it's over."
"I'm sure there's a reason he lied about whatever he lied about, not that I'm defending him, but he just seemed to like you a lot," Frankie says.
"I don't know what the reason is, but I don't feel the need to find out," I blatantly answer as I look up to Frankie. As I look up I see Nate walking past our table with a small group of his friends. He makes eye contact with me and it's broken after he walks past our table. "Sorry guys, but there's someone I need to talk to," I say as a grab my bag and get up from the table.
They all gave me questioning looks as I got up. I followed my eyes to where Nate sat down with his friends and headed in that direction. As I approached the table to where they all sat, I tapped on Nate's shoulder to get him to face me. His face showed complete surprise while the rest of the guys went silent and each one wore a look I could never decipher.
"Can I talk to you alone for a sec?"
He furrowed his brows together in confusion, but then nodded and followed me. I led him into an empty classroom hoping he wouldn't get the wrong idea.
"Uh, what's up?" His voice sounding shaky.
"I just wanted to let you know you that you were right about Logan," I finally said.
"Okay, I'm a little confused. I don't remember exactly what I said about Logan."
"He used me. He lied and you were right. He isn't who I thought he was, so I just thought I'd let you know that. Knowing you, I knew that I should let you and have the satisfaction of being right and me being wrong," I answer.
"Stella, it was never about that."
"What do you mean?"
"I just said all those things to be a shit disturber, okay? I never meant any of the things I said and I should've never said them. I just wanted to mess with you. And this is hard for me to say, but . . . I'm sorry he did that to you. You seemed happy."
"Are you . . . Are being nice to me right now?" I ask confused as hell about what he's saying and he just chuckles and continues.
"I'm serious, I'm sorry for treating you like shit in the past. I've been thinking about you lately and all the fucked up things I've done and I've been wanting to apologize to you I just didn't know how to do it, ya know?"
"Well, I think you just did it," I say to him while I'm still processing everything he just said. "Can I say something to you that I've always wanted to?" I asked hoping I would have the confidence to bring this up. He nods and seems intrigued and eager to hear what I have to say.
"It kind of makes me uncomfortable to bring this up, but I feel like I've never gotten closure with this--with us. Last year, did you really have feelings for me or did you just say you did just so you use me like I keep thinking you did?" I ask, nervous to hear what he has to say.
He hesitates for second, "Honestly, at the beginning, no." My heart starts to sink in my chest as I realize what he just said. I always knew he didn't really feel anything towards me, but deep down I always held on to the tiniest bit of hope that maybe, for some strange reason, he felt at least something. My disappointment must've been displayed on my face because he decided to continue, "At the beginning, it was just about messing around with you; being able to tell people that I had the one girl in our school who doesn't date anyone wrapped around my finger. But later, I got to know you and I knew that you cared for me unlike anyone else. It was nice, always knowing that no matter how bad you messed up, someone would love you and always be there for you. I know how much you liked me and I did feel the same at one point, but I'm stupid and I left you. I was using you at first, but I started to feel something and then at that point that scared the fuck out of me, so I told you I was talking to another girl when I wasn't, just so I wouldn't hurt you anymore than I had already," he says that last part while he looks down. There's so much sincerity in his voice that I have never detected before.
"So I still don't get why you stopped talking to me after that. We were friends before any of this and after you left, you didn't put any effort to try and talk to me. I always had to start conversations and be the one to try, but you acted like you wanted nothing to do with me?"
"I just . . . after I lied, I knew you'd be hurt, so I stopped talking to you so you'd eventually stop trying and move on like I wanted you to. I wanted you to be with a guy like . . ." he starts to trail off.
"Like Logan?"
"Well yeah . . . I mean who he was before he . . . you know," he says quietly.
"Yeah I know what you mean . . . but why have you been so mean to me ever since I started hanging out with him?"
"I wasn't used to seeing you with other guys and I don't know . . . I guess I might've gotten a little jealous when he was able to make you happier than I knew I ever could," he voiced honestly.
"I really don't know what to say to that right now," I answered.
"It's okay, I don't expect you to have anything to say to me, I just hope you can forgive me for all the shitty things I've done to you."
I reached out to wrap my arms around his neck to hug him. He was tall, but not as tall as Logan. Nate's arms found their way around my waist and he hugged me back. It felt oddly strange, but nostalgic hugging each other.
"I can forgive you, just don't do any of it again," I tell him.
"I won't, I promise."
After a few moments of silence, we broke the embrace. As I start to release my hold on him, he keeps his left hand on the small of my back and moves his right hand to the side of my neck while his thumb just grazes my jawline. After I notice how quickly he's moving toward me, I feel his lips on mine. They move softly and slowly over mine and I start to kiss him back. The feel of his lips against mine didn't give me the same feeling that Logan's do. They don't give me the same intense feeing like shock waves running through my entire body; all it felt like was lips against mine. After this there was no denying that he was nothing compared Logan. Nate didn't make me feel the same, and he sure as hell didn't kiss like him either. After I realized I was just making myself pretend I was kissing Logan, I placed my hands on his shoulders and pushed back until my lips were no longer touching his.
"I'm sorry I--," I spoke, breaking the silence, until I was interrupted by a familiar voice.
"What the hell?" Logan said with clear hurt in his voice as he stood in the door way of the classroom looking at both of us.