Chapter Eighty-Seven
Dani
I tense up when the kitchen door swings open, not knowing who to expect. I let out a breath when I see the familiar color of Ash's hand on the door before he steps into the room. When I see the rest of him, I let out another breath, thankful that no one else is with him. I instinctively look for Eli and my heart picks up a little when I don't see him. Ash must realize what I'm doing because he speaks, breaking me from my daze.
“He's in the living room. He wasn't sure if you wanted him in here or not. He said to get him if you need him. You want me to go get him?”
I take a deep breath and whisper, “You can do this, Dani. It's just Ash. He's not going to hurt you...”
“I would never hurt you, darlin'. I know you're scared, but I promise you I will never hurt you.”
“I know.”
Those words shock both him and me. I didn't actually mean to admit that. I was more thinking to myself. Deep down, I know he won't intentionally hurt me, but trying to convince my subconscious is a far more difficult task than people know.
“Take deep breaths, Dani. It's ok... Eli said you wanted to talk to me. Everything ok?”
I'm so nervous that I just blurt out, “I'm sorry!”
I see the shock register on his face briefly, before he says, “You've got nothing to be sorry for...”.
I try to calm myself down a little bit, just so I can actually get my message across. Expressing my thoughts is not an easy task for me. Probably because of all the years of being confined and alone.
“I'm sorry for offending you and your mom. I should have been here for dinner. I told you to invite her and then I just disappeared. I'm sorry, sir.”
“Hey, you don't need to apologize, darlin'. It's cool. I know you find it difficult to meet new people. I'm not going to put any extra pressure on you to do that. I know you'll meet people when you're ready.”
I send Ash a small smile and he returns it with his usual dazzling grin.
I whisper, “You're a good man, sir.”
“I'm glad you think so highly of me. Not sure I warrant that, but thank you all the same. You're ok, right?”
I snort at that, “Not sure ok is the correct term here, sir. I've got more issues than the New York Post....”
He looks at me dumbfounded, and then asks, “Did you just make a joke?”
“I think so. Although, I'm not sure how funny it was.”
“You just made a joke! I love sarcasm. It's actually my language, you know?”
I can't stop the chuckle from bubbling out of me and it takes us both by surprise. His expression and excitement just about sarcasm is humorous. I don't know how someone can find such a simple thing exciting, but Ash does. This amuses me and I long to be able to do the same.
“I'm glad you think I'm funny. Eli doesn't always find my jokes funny. He's getting grumpy in his old age...”
“Er, you're the same age, sir?”
“Nope, he's a few months older, actually. It's very important in situations such as this, I'll have you know.”
“Ok.” I bite back another smile. Ash is actually quite amusing.
He shoots me a soft smile as he speaks again, “I like that smile on you. Thank you for sharing it with me...”
He stops short as we see the swinging door open. My breathing hitches and Ash quietly says, “It's ok, darlin'. I'm right here. Nothing is going to happen to you. I won't let anyone hurt you...”
I'm panicking now and I reach out my hand for Ash. I need some form of grounding to reality, before my fears and my memories rip me away from the present and drag me back into my troubled mind. Ash steps closer to me, but I notice it's not close enough that he's touching me.
“I'm right here, Dani. It's ok. I'm right here...”
As the door swings open fully, we're faced with a light skinned Afro Caribbean woman. Her skin is smooth and she's wearing a scarf around her head. My mind is reeling and I'm starting to freak out. My breathing is labored and I manage to faintly hear Ash say, “It's just my mom, Dani. It's ok. She's not going to hurt you. I promise. Just take deep breaths, darlin'.”
I try to take some deep and steadying breaths as I scold myself in Russian. “Stop being so stupid, Danica. It's just Ash's mom. She not going to do anything to you. Stop being selfish and get a grip. It's just one woman. Stop being ridiculous.”
My internal rebuke is interrupted when I hear Ash's voice, “Dani? You ok? Can you take deep breaths for me?... One second, mom. Just let me deal with this first... Dani? Can you hear me?”
I croak out, “Yes sir. Sorry.”
He sends me a smile, “No worries. Don't even think about it. You ok now?”
“I think so.”
“Good girl. Dani, this is my momma, Karen. Mom, this is Dani...”
“Eli's girlfriend?”
“Yes, Mom.”
“My dear, it's so lovely to meet you. I've heard so much about you from the boys. Ash said you were in hospital. I hope you are feeling better now.”
“Yes ma'am, thank you.”
“I'm pleased to hear that. Is Dani short for anything?”
“Danica, ma'am.”
“That's a lovely name. What does it mean?”
“It's Slavic for Morning Star, ma'am.”
“That is beautiful; just like you...”
I feel a blush rising. I'm not used to compliments and I don't think I deserve them. These peopled don't really know me. Hearing these things from Eli is slightly different, because he knows me better than anyone else. I'm still not comfortable with his compliments, but at least he knows what I really think of myself.
“Mom, you're embarrassing her.”
“I'm just telling her how beautiful she is. Every girl likes to hear these things...”
“Mom, stop. Dani doesn't like stuff like that...”
I appreciate Ash's attempt to help me out, but his mom seems to be as stubborn as he is and she doesn't back down.
“You can't tell me that a girl doesn't want someone to tell her she's beautiful... Did I not teach you anything about how to treat a woman...?”
I don't want to be here for this. I don't want to be the cause of their argument. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I just cause trouble everywhere I go.
Even though I don't believe her, I still manage to mutter a thank you, mostly to stop this argument that is going on in front of me.
Ash's mom says, “See Ashton, every woman appreciates being told she's beautiful. I told you so.”
“Mom, can't you see you're making her uncomfortable?”
Ash is almost whining at his mom, and if I weren't so uneasy right now, I'd probably find it a little bit funny.
“Oh hush, Ashton. She's probably just wondering why we're arguing in front of her. Don't worry, dear. We do this all the time. It's just a light banter between us.”
Now both of their eyes are on me, probably trying to gauge my reaction and my body responds to the attention in its usual way; panicking. My breathing picks up and I can hear the whooshing in my ears. I try to count my breaths, but they seem to be turning more ragged with each breath I take in. Ash's face appears in front of mine, but I can't hear what he's saying. I can see his lips moving, but I can't make anything else out. Even as all of this is happening, I am thinking, 'This is so stupid. I've been in here with these two for a few minutes now and there's no real reason for me to freak out. I don't even really know why it's happening. But why does my brain do anything? Why doesn't it do what I want it to?'
I must be non responsive to Ash for quite some time, because the next face I see is Eli's. Almost as soon as his tanned face and green eyes enter my vision I take in a huge gasp of air, like I've been held under water for ages and I've only just reached the surface. I quickly place my hand on Eli's chest, to count his heart beats. I stare at his t shirt, not wanting to look anywhere else. I'm so embarrassed right now. This is what I didn't want to happen. I've embarrassed Ash and Eli now; all because I can't even hold a conversation with someone. As I'm belittling myself yet again, Eli's voice breaks through my thoughts, “Hey, you with me? What happened?”
I choke back a sob, mostly because I'm nervous and embarrassed, “I don't know.”
He drops a kiss on the top of my head and turns to Ash, “What happened, man?”
I hear the confusion in Ash's voice as he says, “I don't really know. Everything was fine until my mom started arguing with me. Well, not really arguing, but you know what my mom is like...”
“I'm still here, boys. I didn't mean to upset her. I apologize for that. I didn't think anything about it.”
“No, it's ok Momma K. Just... it's ok. I'll sort it out.”
“Will Dani be ok? I hope it doesn't give her a bad impression of me...”
“No ma'am. Dani will be fine and she won't hold it against you. It's ok, honestly. I'll sort it out.”
I hear some murmuring before the door makes it's swinging sound, letting me know someone has either left or entered the room. I'm guessing it's the former, because Eli whispers, “Sweetheart? Can you look at me?”
I hazard a glance at him and immediately apologize. I'm almost frantic as I blurt out, “I'm sorry, Eli. I'm so sorry! I don't know what happened, I promise! I'm so sorry....”
“Hey, hey. It's ok, honestly, it's ok. You tried, and that's the most important thing. Besides, you actually met Momma K and spoke to Ash by yourself. That's progress, right?”
Does he always have to be so perfect? I know he's only trying to make me feel better, but it sort of highlights the fact that he's a better person than me. I know he probably doesn't mean it that way, but that's the default way my mind thinks.
As I'm telling myself how stupid I'm being, Eli clears his throat, making me jump. He shoots me a small smile and then says, “What's going on in that brain of your's?”
“Nothing.”
He chuckles, “I find that hard to believe. If you don't want to talk about it, it's ok. Whenever you're ready to talk, that's cool with me. I hate to put a downer on things, but you've got an appointment with Dr. Stone tomorrow.”
“Oh.”
“I have to work, so I can't go with you. My mom said she'd go with you though. Is that ok?”
I don't have a choice in the matter, so I just say, “Yes sir.”
“Sarah will do your PT while you're there as well.”
“Ok.”
“I spoke to Dr. Stone's daughter earlier. She's keen to see you and she has an opening at 7:30 tomorrow night. I told her I'd speak to you first, but she's keeping the slot free just in case you want to take it. What do you think?”
That was fast. We only spoke about it the other day. I don't know if I'm prepared enough to do this tomorrow. I haven't had a chance to figure it all out and get my mind around the whole concept of talking to someone that isn't Eli.
“Dani? If you don't want to do this right now, it's ok. I'll just call Sam and postpone. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.”
I take a deep breath. I kind of do have to do this. Eli has been so great and he really thinks this is going to help me. I don't want to disappoint him by not going. I know he won't tell me he's disappointed, but I'll feel like he is. I want to make him proud of me; I want him to know I'm trying. And because of this, I say, “It's ok. You'll be with me, won't you?”
“Of course. I should finish work at 6:30 or 7. I'll come back here and pick you up. I'll stay with you the whole time, unless you want me to leave.”
The thought of him leaving me causes mild panic to bubble up in me.
“Hey, hey. Stay with me. It's ok. I won't go anywhere unless you want me to. I'm not going to leave you, I promise.”
He takes my hand in his and brings it up to his face, before brushing a soft kiss over my knuckles. The breath catches in the back of my throat, but it's not really because I'm scared. Although there is a slight fear sitting in the back of my mind, it's not the foremost thought. Before Eli, no one had ever done that to me; no one had ever kissed my hand so there are no bad memories linked with that small gesture.
Before I can stop myself, I let a truth slip out. “I like that.”
“What? Me kissing your hand?”
I nod and try to push the nerves down as I explain, “No one did that before... It's not spoiled by bad memories...”
He shoots me a grin and he whispers, “I'm the first one to do that? I like that. It's something special between us...”
He slowly runs his hand up my arm and then cups my cheek. His smile is gentle and tender as he places a kiss on the top of my head. He pulls me close to him and holds me tight.
“I'm proud of you, you know that? I know none of this is easy for you and I'm proud that you're trying.”
Seriously, this guy needs to stop reading my mind.
I close my eyes and whisper, “How do you do that? How do you read my mind?”
He lets out a low chuckle that I feel more than I hear. “I can't read your mind. Maybe I just read your body language or whatever so I can tell what you need me to say sometimes. Maybe I'm so tuned...”
Eli is interrupted by the door swinging open again. My face is buried in Eli's chest and his arms are tight around me, so I can't just turn round to see who it is. Eli kisses the top of my head again and whispers, “Relax, sweetheart. It's ok. Just trust me a little bit. I'm not going to let anything happen to you, I swear. Just stay hidden in my chest if you want to. It's all ok...”
My grip on Eli's shirt tightens when I hear a male voice say, “Oh, sorry guys. I didn't realize anyone was in here. I'll just come back later.”
Eli whispers, “Trust me.” And then he says louder, “No, it's cool, John. Come on in. John, this is my girlfriend, Dani. Sweetheart, this is Maria's husband John.”
I peek out from Eli's shirt and John says, “Hey Dani. It's nice to finally meet you. Connie and Don speak about you often.”
My head lifts completely off Eli's chest and I can't stop the shock as I ask, “Really?”
I still can't get over the fact that these people actually like me.
“Yep. They speak very highly of you. Hey, if any woman can grab this guy's attention, then they're already doing well. I'm glad you're out of hospital. Connie said you were in a bad way...”
I drop my head and whisper, “Yeah...”
“Sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just came in to put coffee on...”
Eli says, “I'll do it, man. I'll bring it in when it's done. Does Fiona want milk?”
“Yes please. It was nice to meet you, Dani.”
I take a deep breath and quietly say, “You too.” Even if I don't actually mean it, I know it's the socially acceptable thing to say.
He nods and leaves the kitchen. Once the door has shut again, Eli says, “You ok?”
“Yes sir. Hungry.”
“I'm not surprised, you haven't eaten since breakfast. I'll heat your food. Just sit tight.”
“Eli?”
“Yes ma'am?”
“Thank you... Just... thank you."
He shoots me a soft smile and whispers, “You're welcome. Let's get you some dinner.”
A/N: Ok, so I'm not completely happy with this chapter, but I wanted to get something out for you guys. Thank you all for your patience. My personal life is a little hectic right now, so updates might be a bit delayed. I'm dealing with some issues and I need to concentrate on those things first. I will update when I can though. Welcome to my new followers and thank you all for your support, reads, votes and comments. They all mean so much to me :)