Growing up mama always told me to embrace my curves to love every inch of me .
That I was beautiful and if any man doesn't love all of me then that's his loss. it's hard to really think that way especially when you have a world full of judgement.
It all started with Aaron he was a piece of work and like always in every story ... every girl in school wanted him to themselves. They saw him as the average football player ...basketball player... whatever he was!
I saw him is as a smart intelligent chocolate piece of happiness that I needed in my life.
I knew he was crushing on me too but he let his pride get in the way.
.. you see people like him don't date people like me. What is people like me you ask? you see Aaron is the type of guy you will see with a nice slim thick female with long hair, dimples ,flat tummy, hazel eyes,... you know the rest.
Don't get me wrong I'm not ugly by any means I'm really gorgeous honey. But that's until you start looking down and you see the type of body that I have the rolls the stretch marks the indents the whole package.
I'm kind of glad that society's ways of thinking of bbw's is starting to change
That us bigger girls ,that never had a chance are finally getting the recognition we deserve
but that doesn't give anybody else a pass you see there are still Brothers out here that love the bigger woman and always have but
that's besides the point I'll tell you this little story about Aaron and how it changed my life.
"So how's your science fair project coming?" My bestest friend Renae asked me
We were at her house doing homework and gossiping you know the usual.
"Its going good ." I said finishing up my last word problem.
"You didn't start did you?" She rose one eyebrow looking at me.
"How'd you know?" I began to chuckle
"Girl I know you like the back of my hand you think I don't know when you do stuff why you do stuff and how you do stuff ?" she began to laugh with me.
She was the only person that never viewed me as different and I respect that.
"I will start once I get me a topic going I promise. " I stood up from her bed to stretch.
"Aaron is on your mind isn't he? that's why you can't focus on your school project."
"What ? No I have no reason to think about him ." I objected.
" The dance is coming up; I've seen the way he stares at you in awe. And I see the way your face lights up when he looks at you he's going to ask you he'd be dumb if he didn't." She said in all seriousness.
"I mean come on ,let's be real I've never been asked to the dance and have you seen Aaron ? he is too fine to be asking someone like me to the dance?" I stood in front of the tall mirror on the back of her door staring at my body in disappointment.
"What do you mean Someone Like You ? You're human just like everybody else you're beautiful so what's the problem oh right there isn't one." She walked over by me and pointed into the mirror.
"....When you look in the mirror what do you see?" She continued.
" I see someone that's hideous and distasteful. A beast or a cow someone who's just a fat bump on a log." I said squeezing my stomach.
"Okay and how do you want Aaron to view you?"
"I want him to see that underneath all this skin I'm just a girl who wants to love him who's going to care for him
.. who's beautiful from head to toe I just want him to accept me Renae" I turned and faced her.
"That's the point you want him to accept something that you don't even accept... you want him to view you the way you don't view yourself and who says that he thinks you're even" fat"?
"I do! who in their right mind would want to be with somebody like me?
when there are a million other girls with better Bodies ,better faces ,better everything."
"And that might be true, but all those "better" females , may not have true character like you.
They may not have the same qualities as you stop comparing yourself to other people because you can't compete where you can't compare yea they might be cute but can be dumb as a door knob at the same time." She snapped back at my response .
Renae always had my back. I appreciated how blunt she was and it didn't matter who it was she always told the truth
Regardless if it stung it healed.
I know you're thinking if all of this is true and he felt that way then why is this a story that needs to be told? well like I said before pride is something else.
Let's fast forward to the day before the dance shall we.
I was sitting at the lunch table by myself because the bell hadn't rung yet and I left class early.
"Hey" I felt the presence of someone behind me.
I inhaled Axe spray as I heard the deep musky voice and I knew exactly who is .
I turned around "Hey Aaron." I smiled up at him.
He had flowers in his hand. "Hey umm Celia I just wanted to ask you a question, the dance is tomorrow and I was just trying to see if I could take y-."
"Ayo Aaron what you doing man." His friend Rayy dapped him up.
In followed some more of his friends.
"Sup bro how you doing?." Some of his girl friends side eyed me and giggled making smart remarks I'm sure.
Rayy looked down at the flowers in his hand and then looked at me.
"I know you not about to ask her big ass to the dance." He joked and the others followed along in laughter .
My nose began to burn and my heart dropped.
He hesitated and smacked his lips "Man naw, ask her? Do you see her ? She too big to even fit in a dress." He laughed.
I mouthed "seriously?" At him.
His eyes told me that he was sorry but his actions overruled that.
I got up as the bell rung I wasn't even hungry anymore I just wanted to break down. I never been so humiliated and devastated in my life.
I bust through the cafeteria doors hearing "piggy" And "Celia Cellulite "
"Hey where you going?" Renae asked me as she headed the direction from where I was coming.
"I'm going home. " she seen my bloodshot red eyes.
.
.
.
.
"That bastard" she said under her breath after I described what happened .
"Do you see what I mean? Why I don't look guys way? Stuff like this happens and I-"
I just stared off into nothing I knew that I wanted to break down , but couldn't find the energy or breath to do so.
I guess that's why I've been on a man free zone ever since high school.
There's nothing any one could say to make me feel or even believe that there was someone out there for me. And I didn't want to believe any one wanted someone of my size.
I guess mom just wanted me to feel good because she knew what was ahead for me.
Now enough with the sad sob stories let's fast forward to now.
I'm preparing for a ski trip at the Arke resort and I have no idea why I agreed to this
"Oh honey this should be fun you're going to experience something new and possibly find you something- something"
my mother poured us a cup of hot cocoa as I vented to her about the ski trip
"Mom do you see my big self trying to come down off of a hill because I surely don't."
"Oh stop that Celia." She smirked.
"I'm serious, and I'm not looking for a relationship mom I told you that. I'm 24 and I have my degree in childcare education I'm focusing on myself." I took a sip.
"Mhmm and the kids will be darling but the kids are not going anywhere as much as these girls are popping them out today . You'll have plenty to watch and teach."
"So what are you saying mom?" I rose my eyebrow.
"All I'm saying is that I need me some grandbabies one day and you're my only child."
I laughed at her and snorted.
"Ma you have a whole firstborn son."
"Oh forget him he's with that Hispanic girl and forgot how to call me I could be here and croaked and he wouldn't know. "
"Stop it mom. You know he's a really busy man working for that company downtown I'm sure he misses you. He tries to videochat you but you never answer."
"I don't know anything about a chatting camera....video talk what ever it is. "
She waved me off and began reading her newspaper with her glasses down to her nose looking over them.
"In due time maybe I'll find a man but I'm not looking and I'm not settling for less I'm staying busy that's all." I told her getting up to wash my cup out.
"And that's all I need to hear my beautiful baby." She came over and kissed my cheek.
The doorbell began to ring.
"I got it ma."
I walked down a couple of stairs to the door
I opened up the door and couldn't believe who was in front of my eyes.
"Oh my God!"