I'm on my bed. Slightly buzzed from the drinks I drank, Looking at the ceiling. Fuck it I'm calling him.
It ringing.
Again,
And again,
And again.
He isn't answering. Fuck. I hang up.
I take a deep breath and I decide to go back to the party. Before I even sit up Jeremy walks in and sits on the bed close to me.
"Hey, are you ok?" Jeremy asks me.
"Yeah... I'm fine" I say. Lately, I feel like I can't say anything without lying. I hate that feeling. I'm not ok, I have said I'm fine way too many times.
"I lied. I'm not fine." I say. I can't lie anymore. I want Shawn back.
"Do you want to go on a walk with me?" I ask finally sitting on the bed, my head spinning. All-day I was out. I can't stay here anymore. I need to getaway. To think.
"Yeah of course," he says.
"Thanks" I smile trying to get up. "But first I'll go change my clothes I've been walking like this all day I feel ridiculous," I say and we both giggle.
I change into something comfy, nothing fancy. Just some shorts and a black shirt.
It's getting a little dark outside.
It's already 10 p.m.
Jeremey and I go for a walk. We sit at the park, not on the grass. Jeremy wanted to sit on one of the benches.
What a weirdo.
"So what's up?" He asks.
"I don't know.. things are weird right now"
"Yeah... I know. what he fuck happened between Maya and Ben? He looks really devastated" he says. oh my god. I get it now. They broke up becomes Maya cheated on him.
"Yeah I just heard they broke up"
"What?! They broke up?!" Jeremey looks surprised. "I did not know that"
"What's up with you and Sophia?" I change the subject. My words are sounding weird to my ears. I don't get drunk very often.
"Oh, that.." why? What happened? Did they break up too? Oh my god. Everyone is breaking up.
"Oh my god," I say like a teenage girl. it feels weird listening to my own voice. "Why is everyone breaking up? I can't do this anymore"
"She didn't like the idea a girl was living with me. So she ended it."
"What a bitch." What is wrong with me? This is so unlike me.
"Yeah whatever" he sighs.
"So what's up with you?" Who's changing the subject now? "Any boys around? I saw you and Darren today, still thinking about him?"
"Oh god no!! Are you blind? Didn't you see how he acted to me? how stupid he is? " Never again, "I have a different guy in mind. But he kind of hates me right now. Things are complicated."
"Why what happened?"
"Well, we are sort of together.. but I'm not really sure what's happening after I kissed Michel today and I told Shawn about it and he hates me now. Pretty simple"
"who's is this guy? I didn't know you have a boyfriend. How come I never met him?"
"Shhh...." I put my finger on his lips. "it's a secret"
"what?"
"he's famous. You can't tell anyone." I whisper.
Jeremy's eyes are wide. I think he's frunk too because the next thing I know he throws up on the grass. "Oh shit!" I pat his back not knowing how to help him. if he was a girl I would hold his hair. But he's a boy with short hair so I really don't know how to help him.
"Jeremy" I whisper for some unknown reason. "what time is it? It looks really drank and scary now"
"What do you mean what time is it?" He asks looking up at me and then at his watch "A little after 12"
"Oh fuck" he rubs his hands against his head. "I need to get early tomorrow. I have a big test next week. So I'm going back. Are you ok?" He asks looking super tired "yes" Go to sleep man.
Jeremy goes back to his apartment. I stay on the bench. Alone. Can I go back to the night I met Shawn? When everything was perfect? When he kissed me for the first time? When he kissed my naked body telling me how pretty I am.
For the first time this day, I let myself cry. I mean, really cry. I feel like I just want to cry without being judged.
I don't even know why I'm crying. Because of Maya? Because of Shawn? Because of Darren? Alex? What? What am I crying about?
I don't know how much time has passed but I'm done crying. I decided to start walking back to the dorm. I'm starting to get cold, and tired. On my way back I hear my phone ringing and my heart falls as I see Shawn's name on the screen. He is calling me. I can't breathe. What if he calling to tell me it's over?
No. No. Happy thoughts.
I count to three and I answer the phone
1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . .
"Hello?" My voice is quiet.
"Hey.." I hear his breathing. Oh no. I'm about to cry again. Just when I thought I was done crying.
"You called me earlier. I was performing. You needed something?" What? He had another show? Oh, fuck! He told me how excited he was about it. How could I forget? I'm so selfish.
Fuck! I ruined the show. He was so happy and excited about it. Oh, fuck me. I feel horrible. I forgot he had a show today too.
"I'm so sorry. I can't believe I hurt you like that. I'm so fucking stupid." Fuck. My voice is breaking
He isn't saying anything. I can't tell if he is sad or just mad.
"If you don't want to talk to me anymore... I'll understand." I say. "I really will. I ruined your night. And we just met and well, sort of dating. I don't know. and I already blew it. And I'm sorry."
"You are so stupid," he says his voice soft and I think he is crying. I haven't heard him like that before. He sounds a wreck.
I watched interviews and I sort of stalked him on YouTube and Instagram. He never sounded like this. I guess I just really hurt him.
"You can't tell me you kissed another guy and then tell me you have feelings for me. And ask me what we are after you just dropped this bomb." He says I think he's angry now.
"I'm so sorry. I know I messed everything up. But I really care about you. I know I did a mistake. I know. I'm sorry I ruined your night I never meant for that to happen." I say sitting on the grass. "I'm sorry I'm so stupid" my voice is breaking. And whiny. I'm still drunk. I can hear it in my voice.
"stop fucking apologizing" he snaps scarring me for a second. "listen I- I'm confused and I really don't know what to do Lili.." his voice back to being soft and hurt.
"Do you like me?" I ask.
"Yes... I do" He says softly
"Do you want to keep talking to me?" I ask. Hoping he won't reject me.
"Of course I do." He says. My heart drops. Of course, he does. "I never had this instant connection with someone before. I don't want to let you go... but what you did today. telling me you kissed another guy 5 minutes before I went on stage... it was-"
"I don't know what happened to me. I promise I will never hurt you again. I never meant for this to happen."
"look, I'm going to be completely honest with you. With me being famous, it has been really hard for me to trust people. You can never know when you are being used for your money or fame. And I decided to take a chance with you. I never do these kinds of things. I don't just go out on dates with girls I never talked to before. It's scary sometimes being famous. You don't know who to trust. And when I open up to someone it means I really care for them. Now I don't know how to explain it but when we started talking, I felt happy, it was... new. I like that you don't care about me being rich and famous. I really like that feeling. I feel happy around you. You make me feel things I haven't felt in a very long time. " He sighs.
"the shows, the concerts. They are one of the most important things in the world to me. People pay money to come and see me, they want to have a good time and when you called before the show it really messed with my mind"
"I-"
"No. you listen to me now. I know this is probably as hard for you as it is for me, but please don't give up on me. And to your question earlier: If we're going to do this than you need to understand you can't treat me that way. I won't be there all the time. I would really like to spend more time with you, whenever I can. But I'm telling you now. I won't be there most of the time. I'll be on tour, interviews, meeting fans. Whatever. And it is going to be hard, but I really want to give this a shot. I don't know how you want to call it. Boyfriend-girlfriend shit or whatever. But I want us to be exclusive. And I really need you to never do something like you did today ever again. I get that you think you're not good enough for me or whatever. But don't ruin this before it even started. Give us a chance."
"okay" I whisper.