Jessica
It's weird to have such feelings of sadness in the month of December. I love Christmas, it's my all time favorite holiday and usually I have my place decorated and Christmas music blasting by now. But I can't bring myself to do it because I'm hurt, and that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that I want to be with the person who hurt me more than anything and I just can't bring myself to do it. I know that as soon as I look at him I'll remember that awful feeling he gave me when I saw him last, how I felt like disappearing into nothingness where his words wouldn't hurt me even though he is the only person I want to see right now. When I used to look at him I got this feeling of bliss and happiness, and now when I think about looking at him I get scared and defeated.
So instead of watching the Grinch and drinking hot cocoa I lie in bed and think about the good times I've had with him. I think about how I felt every time he put his hand on my back and made me feel safe. I think about all the times he said something to make me laugh and just waited to see me smile before smiling back at me. I think of how much he cared about me even though he shouldn't have and how much I wanted to see him do good because he deserves to be happy too.
And now both of us are hurting and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say to get him to understand that our mind controls everything and that includes what we say and what we do. And if we lose our mind, well, then we lose everything. I don't want to lost him, but I would much rather leave then be left again.
I get broken out of my dark state of mind with the knocking of the door. I reluctantly get out of bed and go to it and hold on to the handle. And for once I look through the peep hole to see who it was before opening the door. I'm happy I did because I see a disheveled Corey standing there looking at the door. He knocks again and I slowly step away so I didn't do anything stupid.
"Please... Jess I know you're in there. I really need to talk to you and you won't answer my calls and you haven't been going to work. I don't know what else to do. Please..." he begs.
A warm tear falls to my cheek as I start to sniffle. The sound of his voice gave me chills, I didn't realize how much I missed it until just now. All I wanted was to run out there and jump into his arms. I wanted this to be over and to act like nothing happened. But I know in my mind that it did, and there was no way I could be his life coach if he thought what he said was okay. There's no way I could be anything to him if he thought what he said was okay.
"Jessica" he says softly and I cover my mouth. I wanted to scream so bad but I knew that wouldn't solve anything. "Alright... I guess you still need time. I left something out here for you and it's really important you get it and read it. Like... really important" he says.
I wait a few minutes before looking out the peep hole again. I see he was gone and there was something sitting outside my door. Finally I open the door and grab the letter that was sitting there. I bring it inside before going to my couch and setting it on the table in front of me. I was kind of scared to read it, I can only imagine what is inside. After building up enough courage I open it up and see a little sticky note stuck to a piece of journal paper that looks like it was ripped out.
"I know you said that these writing were supposed to be just for me, but I think you need to see this. And not as my life coach, but as someone who means everything to me."
I set the stick note on the table next to the envolope and finally pick up the paper I could hear my heart beating like crazy as I begin to read.
"November 12th 2015
My life has never been defined by relationships. I've had friends but never best friends. I've had relationships but I've never been in love like I wanted to be. I guess I was just never understood by most and I never made a effort to reach out to anyone for them to understand me or even for me to understand myself at that. This life has always been a wild ride for me, never knowing what's going to happen on any given day due to unforeseen circumstances I always seem to put myself in. I could be fine one day or passed out on the couch due to the anti-depressants I nearly OD on the next. But no matter what I always felt like whatever happened I would have to do it on my own.
But now I have this girl, she's probably the most incredible woman I've ever met. She's so pretty and I love to hear her laugh, she's simply amazing. And she's not just someone to me, shes quickly become everything to me. I know it's her job to help me but this feels like it's not just about my life. I feel like this is about my life with her in it. I mean, I'm supposed to write these things about whatever thoughts that are in my head, but it's always her. And I want to get better for myself but also for her. I want her to be happy for me, I want to teach her about hockey as she teaches me about life.
For the first time in my life I've met a person who I would be upset if they were no longer in my life. This feeling I have, it's strong, like I'm nothing without her by my side. I've known her for two months and I decided that can't live without her for all the rest of my months. I know we can't be together right now, but it's even harder for me to imagine us apart. She's kinda like my best friend who I have literally given my life to, and I'm okay with that."
I slowly fold the paper back up and place it in its envelope. I place my face in my hands as I let out a long groan. I know he hurt me, but I still wanted him. I still want to see him and be around him.
And it's because I love him. I love who he is and how he makes me feel. That's the real reason why I can't be near him right now, that's why it hurts so bad. I loved him and I couldn't stop myself. All I wanted was to be with him and now I'm scared to.