Shawn's POV:
Staring blankly at the hospital bed like I've been doing for the past hours, I sit here. Still not comprehending what might be happening.
It seems so surreal. Four months ago I didn't think that there can be something worse than her leaving me ... I even accepted our divorce, knowing that it wouldn't have changed her mind if I didn't sign the papers.
I could have brought myself to live with the fact that she is not mine anymore but only because I knew she would find someone who makes her happy eventually. Someone who wouldn't do as much damage to her as I did.
My eyes avert to her cool, motionless hand where a golden ring used to be. Even though I knew she would take it off eventually, I didn't believe she would do it soon... but what the hell was I thinking?
She surely threw it away the moment I stepped out of the apartment. My chest aches at the thought of her pained face, marked with streaks of tears.
Shaking, I press the palm of my hand onto my mouth to prevent my sobs from escaping. This is my fault. She wouldn't have driven crying and inattentive if I didn't make this damn mistake.
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Humming the melody of their favorite lullaby, I carry my two little girls, one resting against each of my shoulders. Carful not to tear them out of there half asleep state, I don't even bother to turn the lights on as I enter their pink and lilac painted room.
After gently placing them in their small beds which are moved together, I sit on the right edge of it while slowly tugging them in with their beloved white fluffy blankets.
My heart skips a beat while watching them looking do cute and peaceful. Their dark eyelashes, tiny nose, full lips and tousled tufts of chestnut brown hair is a sight that takes my breath away every single time.
The amount of love I have for them is crazy. Before you don't have your own baby in your arms for the first time yourself, you are not able to imagine the way your whole world changes once they open their little eyes and look up at you.
Greeting you with an adorable smile on their faces. The feeling which spreads inside of you is indescribably beautiful.
When Skylar was born I swore to myself that I would do everything to make this work. To make our little family work.
A year later, Grace came and again there was this huge feeling of happiness inside of me. I had everything I ever dreamed of, a career, children and a supportive and loving wife but then, I ruined it.
I suddenly believed that it wasn't enough for me, even though it was more than that. I became too obsessed with wanting to make everything different about the new album and I guess, I was also scared of settling down.
I used it as an excuse that Y/n and I had a rough time for a while and well... went out one night, got way too wasted and everyone can guess what happened next.
"Daddy?" I suddenly hear, snapping me out of my thoughts. „Huh? What's wrong sweetie?" I ask quietly, the light blue eyes of my elder daughter staring up at me.
"Why are you crying?" Grace, the younger one of them, questions with a frown. „I'm not-."
I move my hand up to my face, making me realize that there are actually tears. „It's nothing, don't worry darling. I'm just really tired." I reassure, bending down to place a kiss on either of the two girls forehead. But as stubborn as Grace is, she's not satisfied with my answer.
"Are you sad because mommy was shouting at you? I'm sure she didn't mean to." Skylar tells me, her small hand finding mine which causes me to smile sadly.
"Mommy and I had a little argument earlier. It's normal to have that when you are married, you know? If you love someone more than anything, you will always find a way back to them. No matter what." I respond, feeling how the tears threaten to spill again, knowing that it won't be the same with us.
I will never forget the hatred she had in her eyes as she told me to pack some of my stuff and say goodbye to my daughters. I hurt her horribly and I know that. She's never going to believe me that I regret it so damn much.
I have no clue what came over me two weeks ago but I hate myself for that. I promised to always love her and to always be there for her but I broke it. The promise along with her.
Now I have to leave and I won't see my little ones for a longer time. I won't be able to stay with my own little family because I f*cked up. Badly. „Do you?" Skylars tired voice rings through my head. I watch her with a questioning gaze before the five year old she speaks up again.
"Do you love mommy more than anything?" She asks, causing a light smile to tug at the corners of my mouth while I can't help but let some tears fall. „She's my everything. Just like you two." I truthfully answer, wiping the sleeve of my jacket on my cheeks.
I sigh as I see her eyebrows knit together in confusion, knowing what question is about to come. They heard it. They heard the screaming and crying of her heartbroken mother and me trying to reason my awful actions.
But the thing is, there is no plausible explanation. It's just something that happened because I was in the moment and I would be lying if I said I didn't want it back then.
The realization of what I just did, came the morning after I stumbled out of the girls apartment.
"But why do you have to leave then?" Grace pouts sadly while she kneels up to hold onto me, increasing the aching in me even more.
Exhaling deeply, I cradle her into my arms kissing the top of her head and taking Skylars hand into mine.
"Listen, sometimes people do really dumb things even if they don't intend to. But once in a while it happens. I made a mistake aswell which hurt mommy and at the moment she doesn't want to see me.
I did something that you should never do to someone you love and I'm incredibly sorry for that. I'll explain it to you when you are older okey?
But for now, it's the best when I'm leaving. It's not forever, don't worry. I'm always there if you two need me. Just remember that I love you both so so much, got it?" I ask, blinking fast to keep me from crying.
I can't break down in front of my daughters. They already worry enough. „Yeah." Skylar mumbles as I place Grace into her bed again.
„Now, it's time to sleep. Tomorrow everting will be fine. Sweet dreams." I whisper, giving them one last peck on the cheek before I stand up and head towards the door. Smiling slightly, I turn to look at my precious baby's once more. I already miss them.
Sighing, I close the door behind me, the sportsbag with a few things of mine stuff, falling into my sight. A red eyed girl standing behind it.
Tears threaten to fall as she examines me, her lower lip quivering, her arms crossed in front of her sweater clothed chest. She looks hollow, pale but mostly tired. Tired of the screaming and shouting she had to endure the past three days.
Tired of feeling the one you trust, slip away. If she would only believe that she's still the one for me, then it would maybe be easier. But what did I expect?
That she'll get over it? That she doesn't mind? No...trust me, I didn't think that for one second.
"Are they sleeping?" She then asks, her voice sounding emotionless but I know that it took her all the time we stared at one another to press that one sentence out, without her voice cracking.
"Yeah, they were really sleepy." I reply and she nods, silence consuming us. Making the tension thicker than it already is. I know that I should go and let her get a clear head. I know that I should do it for her but every fibre in my body hopes that she still has something to say.
For gods sake, I even wish she would scream and yell at me for how much of an a**hole I am if that means that I can stay only for a little longer. If I go now, it might means that I'll never get her back but can I really take advantage of her fragile state?
Telling her that I didn't mean it, telling her that I was out of my mind. Sweet little lies would maybe change her mind but I can't do that. It's unfair to lure her into letting me stay when deep down, she doesn't want it.
„Mhm. Having to listen to your parents shouting can be really exhausting." Y/n points out bitterly, breaking the unbearable stillness which makes my heart thumb faster. Before I could say something she's already headed towards front door.
A lump forming in my throat as I watch her figure. As much as I don't want it to be true, it's time for me to leave. Gazing at the picture of us four which is placed on the kitchen isle, I grab the bag and force myself to do the right thing.
I already caused too much pain. I don't need to cause even more. I come to a stop next to her petite body, staring at the piece of wood ahead of me ere my sight lands on her turned away one.
"Thanks for not trying to get me to forget about what you did. I would only have regretted to forgive you, soon enough." Y/n tells me with anger lacing her sentence.
Gulping down the painful sting in my heart, I nod. „I know, I'm not in the position right now to ask for something but... can I call them sometimes while I'm away?"
„Of course." She replies, causing a slight wave of relief to wash over me. „Than-." „That's nothing to thank me for. They are your children. It's self evident." Y/n states.
Nodding, I let my hand hover above the door handle, wanting to let those last seconds go by as slow as possible. I have to. I caused this all on my own. Now I have to accept the consequences, even though it means leaving the ones I love behind.
"Before I leave, I have to get something off my chest." I tell her, turning to my side.
„Shawn-."
"Please. I'll be gone after I told you that. I promise."
"You are not good with promises, you know." She laughs sarcastically but I just breath in deeply.
"Swear, that you won't let my mistake keep you from loving someone or from letting someone love you. Even if it means I'm loosing you forever, I don't want to be the cause of you being unhappy.
Forget me if it takes that but please, don't think that everybody is as much of an a**hole a I am." I plead, my voice quivering as I feel the tears fall for the fourth time today.
„Don't shut people out." I add, gazing into her pained orbs a little longer before I press down the handle, stepping out of the apartment and leaving behind what used to be my home.
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"Mr. Mendes?" The voice I have been dreading to hear becomes audible, causing my hand to wrap tighter around her motionless one instantly.
"Yeah?" I ask, not averting my eyes of Y/n's face once. She looks so peaceful and still so beautiful. Like she is sleeping.
"It's time." The nurse tells me, making my heart skip a beat and my mind race. I shake my head. They are giving up on her?
"They can't do that. She still has a chance." I whisper, lifting my hand to place it on her soft cheek.
"I'm sorry but her family the decision. I have to ask you to leave the room after saying goodbye."