Dear Diary,
It's Monday morning. I haven't seen or heard from Ruby since my party on Friday night. I know she is avoiding me but I don't know why. What the fuck did I do to make her act this way? Part of me is scared for her...what if she got hurt and I'm too busy sulking to actually notice. What if she's dead? Oh for fucks sake India she's not dead...
She hurt me though. I didn't realise what I was doing to other girls was so bad until it was done to me. She made me feel worthless and unimportant, like I was just being used. That's exactly what I did to every girl I've ever slept with, except her...
If she's not injured or dead I suppose I'll see her at school today. I have PDHPE last period so she won't be able to avoid me any longer. Aimee insists that she has fallen for me, but I know that's not the truth. Aimee has been supporting me though, I'm so grateful for her. It was hard to admit that I was actually hurt by Friday nights events, but she told me that it was normal. Not normal for me, but normal for anyone else. That made me feel a bit better, but still.
I miss seeing Ruby's car in the driveway. I missed hearing her laugh as she graded papers, showing me some of her students ridiculous answers. I miss watching tv with her, eating dinner with her, talking to her. I miss everything about her and it's only been three fucking days.
I'm going to drive my new car to school this morning. That's the only thing that I'm excited for today. I've been driving it around Varsity Lakes over the weekend when I need to get out of the house to think, but I guess I'm excited to show everyone my newest addition to the household.
I should probably go now, but I'll say one last thing. I think the school counsellor was right. Writing in here has made me realise a lot of things, things that I never knew about myself. That scares me, but I guess that's all part of it, right?
I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. I quickly changed into my school uniform and walked down the stairs. For a fleeting moment I was expecting to see Ruby sitting at the kitchen bench, texting on her phone or eating breakfast, but the house was empty, just like I was.
Arriving at school I got the reception I had expected. People swarmed my new car, telling me how beautiful it was and how lucky I was. I smiled at them and walked over to Aimee who was waiting for me with open arms.
"You know, I think I've gotten more hugs from you this weekend than I have the entire time we've been friends!" she joked as she wrapped her arms around me.
"Shut up, I'm fragile..." I joked.
The day dragged slowly, and I wanted nothing more than for it to be over. I considered going home sick, but I knew I had to face Ruby. By the time fifth period arrived I was terrified. Aimee gave my hand a reassuring squeeze as we walked into the PDHPE classroom and took our seats at the back. I thought for a split second that she didn't come to school today, but was proved wrong when she walked through the door.
"Good afternoon everyone, grab out your textbooks please," she said casually.
She looked around the classroom but her eyes never met mine. She purposely avoided looking at the back of the class and even Aimee noticed. We both worked in silence as Ruby taught the class, not once looking over at Aimee and me. When the final bell rang I grabbed my things and quickly sped out the door, not leaving time for Ruby to call my name.
I went to Aimee's house that afternoon, not wanting to be alone in my huge house.
"Why would she spend so much money on your birthday present if she didn't have feelings for you, Indi?" Aimee said, but I just shrugged.
I drove home that night feeling sad and sorry for myself, wanting to understand why things happened the way they did. I didn't even remember the drive home, driving on autopilot and being too engrossed in my thoughts to concentrate properly. When I walked in the door I threw my bag to the side like I always did and walked towards the kitchen, ready to open a beer and drown my sorrows in alcohol. I opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle, biting off the cap with my teeth.
"You'll break a tooth doing that," a voice said.
I turned around and saw Ruby sitting at the dining room table, looking at me carefully.
"What are you doing here?" I snapped at her.
"Look, Ind - ," she began, but I cut her off.
"No. What the fuck, Ruby? What are you playing at? You spend thousands of dollars on me for my birthday, come to my party, fuck me, and then ignore me for days!" I yelled at her.
"I..." she tried to talk again.
"No, shut up and listen. Is this what you wanted? To break me? Well congratulations Ruby, you've fucking won!" I spat, tears spilling over my cheeks.
"You fucked me up, you know that? Before you came into my life I was doing fine. I was coping. I didn't have feelings. But then you appear and ruin me. I hope you're happy," I cried.
I turned around and stormed up the stairs, slamming my bedroom door behind me. I willed myself not to cry but I couldn't stop the tears from falling. She had well and truly broken me, and I was a mess. I could hear her talking downstairs, her voice muffled through my closed bedroom door. She was probably talking to someone without a care in the world.
I grabbed my journal off my desk, flipping through the pages. Every single entry I had written had mentioned Ruby in one way or another. I threw the journal against the wall and it hit the ground with a thud. I walked over to pick it up, noticing a messy scrawl on one of the pages. I looked closer and my heart dropped, reading my second most recent entry.
Friday 13th March
It's my birthday, I'm drunk, and I'm in love with Miss Rose.