“Calm down Bryce. It’s ok. Shhh. Amberley, you’re fine too. I’ll pick you up once your brother stops crying.”
Their crying made me want to cry. I was frustrated and tired. Amberley and Bryce were both crying at the same time and I was the only one at home. I dreaded moments like this. They scared me because I always thought I was going to do something wrong.
“Please quit crying guys. You’re making mommy tired.”
Unfortunately for me, they didn’t stop crying. In fact, they both started crying harder.
I sighed, “Ok Bryce, you’re laying down for a little while. I need to change your sister’s diaper.”
I laid Bryce down in his bed and then picked Amberley up.
“Ok honey; let’s get your diaper changed.”
When I laid Amberley on the changing table, the doorbell rang.
“Oh shoot.”
I picked Amberley back up and put her back in her crib and then went downstairs to answer the door.
“Jess! O my gosh! It’s so good to see you! Listen, I need your help. Please come upstairs with me.”
“Uhm, Lexi I-”
I grabbed her arm and started dragging her up the stairs, “No time to talk right now. I’m having a major baby crisis.”
When we got to the babies’ room, I started giving Jess orders.
“Ok, you take Bryce. He’s just cranky. I’ll take Amberley. She needs to be fed and changed.”
Jess just stared at me, “Ok.”
I picked up Bryce and handed him to Jess, “You can either walk him around or you can sit in one of the rocking chairs and try to rock him to sleep. Here’s a burping rag to put on your shoulder. He tends to spit up a lot. Here‘s his silky blanket. He likes to sleep with that around his arm. Oh, and here‘s his pacifier. You‘ll have to hold it in his mouth because he can‘t do that yet.”
Jess’s face looked shocked. I think she was having a hard time taking in everything I was saying because I was saying it so fast.
“Is that it?” she asked.
“Yeah, I think so. Sorry I’m doing this to you. You didn’t have to go anywhere did you?” I asked as I picked up Amberley from her crib.
“No, I just came to see you and the twins.”
“Ok, good.”
She laughed.
“What?”
“You just look so frazzled.”
“That’s because I am. I’ve been home alone with these two since last night. Mom and dad went somewhere for their anniversary and John had to help his mom with something at their house.”
“They weren’t worried about you having to do this alone?”
“Well, my parents weren’t because they thought John was going to be here with me, but John was worried when he had to leave. I told him to go though. His mom probably needed him more than I did.”
“You could’ve called me.”
“Well, I could’ve called a lot of people but everyone I know should be in school right now. Speaking of, why aren’t you in school?”
She shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know? I had bronchitis about a week ago and I didn’t feel like going to school today so I just made an excuse that I was having hard time breathing. My mom let me stay home.”
“How did you get here though?”
She stared at me, “I drove.”
“Oh, but I meant how did you get past your mom?”
“Oh! I told her that I felt better and that I was coming over here.”
“And that worked?” I asked.
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
I smiled at her.
Through that conversation, I had managed to change Amberley’s diaper and start feeding her.
I sat down in the rocking chair that Jess wasn‘t using.
“So what’s been going on with you?” I asked, “We haven’t talked in a while.”
“Oh, you know, same old, same old.”
“Are you doing ok?” I asked, thinking back to her episode where she went ballistic with cutting and sleeping with random guys.
“Yeah, just fine,” she said, not looking at me.
“Are you sure?” I asked, somewhat worried.
“Lexi, I said I was fine,” she snapped.
“Ok, sorry. I just worry about you sometimes.”
“Whatever.”
“I’m serious Jess. I do worry about you. You scared me that day when I saw all the cuts on your arms and then left without a word.”
“Leave it alone Lex,” she looked serious so I stopped talking about it.
“Ok, how’s school going?”
“Alright. It’s boring. I’m ready for summer to be here.”
“What day do you get out?”
“Uhm, like, May 27th.”
“Oh, wow. That seems later than usual.”
“It is. They’re making us go longer and longer each year. It’s driving me crazy. I’m glad I only have two more years to go after this though.”
“Yeah, I bet you are.”
“How’s the online stuff going for you?”
“Good. I should be getting my GED soon.”
“That’s good.”
The small talk that we were doing was getting us nowhere. It was like we had just met at a huge party and were left by our dates to make friends. It was just plain awkward.
“Jess, I know I kind of already asked you this, but are you sure something isn’t wrong? You seem kind of sad or depressed or something.”
She nonchalantly rolled her eyes.
“Seriously Jess. If something is bothering you, you should talk. It’ll help you.”
She took a deep breath, “I don’t think you want to know. You’ll get mad at me for telling.”
“No I won’t. I promise. You’re my best friend. I want to help you.”
“Ok, so you know Andy, right?”
“Yeah, he was John’s best friend and Rebecca’s boyfriend. What about him?”
“Well, he kind of asked me out the other day and I said yes.”
“And, what happened? Did he do something to you?”
“No, no. He was fine.”
“But something happened? Otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
“Well, he took me to this college party. You know? With some of his college friends.”
I stopped her, “Did a college guy do something to you?”
“No Lexi. Nothing happened physically with a guy if that’s what you’re implying.”
“Sorry. I’ll shut up now and let you talk.”
“Well, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a college party, but there are things there that high school students aren’t supposed to do.”
“Like alcohol,” I said, trying to sound smart.
“Yes, and other things.”
“Like?”
“Like drugs.”
“Oh no, Jessica. You did not do drugs!”
She looked down at the floor, “I did.”
I stood up from the rocking chair and laid Amberley in her crib. She was sleeping. I then walked over to Jess and took Bryce from her and laid him in his crib. I once again grabbed Jess’s arm and dragged her out of the room into the hallway.
“Are you crazy?” I whispered, afraid of waking the twins. “What did you take?”
“I only did one line of cocaine.”
“Only one line? That’s still way too much! O my God, Jess,” I started pacing across the hallway floor.
“Lexi, I’m home,” I heard John call from downstairs.
“I’m upstairs,” I called down to him.
I heard him running up the stairs. He ran down the hallway to me and gave me a hug, “Hey, how are the twins? Are they ok? I’m so sorry I couldn’t be here to help you.”
“It’s alright. The twins are fine. They just fell asleep a little while ago. Look, I need to talk to you privately. We’ll be right back Jess.”
I pulled John into the babies’ room.
“What’s going on Lexi? I thought you said everything was ok.”
“I said everything was ok with the twins. Jessica is the problem.”
“What’s wrong with her?”
“She did cocaine at a party the other day. And guess who she was with?”
“I don’t know.”
“Andy. That’s who.”
There was a light knock on the door.
“Uhm, I think I should go. My mom wasn’t expecting me to be over this long.”
I gave her a disapproving look, “Ok. Bye.”
“I’m sick of people John. I’m just completely sick of everyone.”
He started hugging me and gave me a sad puppy dog look, “Even me?”
I looked up at him, “No, not you. Just… I don’t know. Why can’t any of my friends be normal? Why can’t they be the ones to help me all the time instead of me always having to help them? I’m just so tired of being the one everyone comes to when they have problems because I have so many problems of my own. I feel like I’m never going to get a break from any of this and I’ll just be stuck here the rest of my life being miserable. I just want to be happy again. Like, how we were before I ever got pregnant. We didn’t have to worry about anything. And now we have to worry about everything. This would be so much easier if we didn’t have the twins.”
“Come on Lexi, don’t talk like that. You love those kids. And I love those kids. Our parents love them. Our friends love them.”
“I know. But, life would be some much easier without them? You know?”
“I do know. But there’s good that came from these two kids.”
“What?”
“I stopped doing drugs for one thing. And they brought us closer together. Who knows what would’ve happened to us if we wouldn’t have had these kids?”
“You’re right. Thanks John.”
He kissed me, “You’re welcome.”