After leaving the carnival, Zac drove them to a clearing in the woods they used to frequent when they were younger. The woods housed a lake where'd they'd spent so many summer days together. They usually went as a group, the 4 of them always relishing in the days they had together before music and business took them away from home. Once Kayla and Zac started seeing each other, though, this had become their "special" place. They'd come here and talk and could be together as long as they wanted to without worrying about anyone seeing them.
When Zac pulled into the clearing, he heard Kayla gasp softly. It had been a long time since they'd been back. He'd reversed his truck up to the banks of the lake and put it into park. He'd gotten out without saying anything to Kayla. Moments later he opened her door and put his hand out to help her out of the cabin. He walked, holding her hand, to the back of the truck where he'd let the tailgate down. He reached into the bed and pulled out a blanket. He folded it over the tailgate before turning to Kayla and picking her up onto the truck's bed. He joined her side and pulled out a rolled joint from his pocket, along with a green lighter. He lit the joint and breathed it in, holding it for a couple of seconds before exhaling. He took another hit before passing it to Kayla, as she mimicked the hits he took. They fell into a comfortable pattern, and sat in silence together for a few moments before either of them spoke.
"I miss coming here," Zac said, seemingly out of nowhere. "Everything is always good here."
Kayla took another hit from the joint and handed it back to Zac.
"I think you need to talk to Kate," she said quickly, not realizing what she was saying before she could stop herself. Zac turned to look at her. She rose her eyebrows at him, but he didn't say anything before turning his eyes back to the lake. "I mean, I just think... I don't know... it just doesn't really seem like you're dealing with it, and that's not really like you," she said.
"Isn't it, though?" he replied. His words shocked Kayla, and she was unsure how to take them. "Realistically, when do I really deal with or react to anything with Kate? I mean, I know we don't talk about her much but it's pretty much been just me going with the flow of things. Especially these last few months. Don't get me wrong, I care about her. I mean, I guess I love her, but honestly, what is there to talk about? She said she needs time to figure out if being with me is what she really wants and she wants me to do the same, but I don't really feel like that's something people should really need 'time' to think about. You either want to be with someone or you don't. What's so hard about figuring that out?"
Kayla remained silent. She forgot how much of a chatterbox Zac could be when he was high. "Perfect time to bring up the ex-girlfriend you never want to hear about," she thought to herself.
"So does that mean you don't want to be with her? Cuz you kind of sound mad about the whole thing," she replied.
Zac turned to look at her. He could see the concern on her face, but deeper than that he saw the hurt in her eyes. He immediately regretted talking about Kate at all.
"I called her this morning to break up with her."
Kayla widened her eyes. She wan't sure how to respond to those words, "Why?!" she suddenly heard herself asking.
"Because I felt like I didn't want to be with her. I felt like... like since we've been together there was always a 'but' in my life. I want to travel the world forever... but what about Kate? I want to do this and that and spend time with you and hang out with my brothers and just be me sometimes... then I always think, 'but what about Kate?' I've spent so much time trying to figure out a way to fit her into my life, it just started to feel so forced. Since I've been back from Georgia, I've felt so free. I know that whole 'senior year, I'll be busy' excuse is all bullshit... or maybe it's not, I don't know, I've never been to high school, but as pissed off as I was when she gave it to me, I was so happy at the same time. I felt like all I was doing lately was trying to find ways to 'nicely' exclude her from my life. I wasn't even bothering to try to fit her in anymore."
"Then why are you so upset that she broke up with you? Why did you have to sleep almost an entire day away in order for you to feel like you were over it?" Kayla asked. Her tone was accusatory, but she didn't care. She'd already opened up the can of worms, she may as well get answers now.
"Because she had to kiss someone else in order for her to figure out what she wanted. And she didn't even figure it out! She's still 'not sure'," he answered.
Kayla scoffed, "As opposed to you who was fucking someone else and still knew you wanted to be with her?"
Zac snapped his face in her direction, but she simply just turned away.
"Kayla... I'm--" he started.
"It's fine Zac, I mean, I get it. You have pride, she hurt your ego, but I mean, don't you think you're being a bit of a hypocrite? The only difference is she was honest with you about it," she said cutting him off. Her anger was rising and she couldn't control it. She looked around the truck bed and found the joint they'd put out earlier. She grabbed the lighter off of Zac's leg and lit it. She inhaled it deeper than she had, previously, and let out a loud exhale, "All I'm saying is," she paused and coughed a little, "it sounds more to me like you're upset that she beat you to it, which makes absolutely no sense to me,"
"Why doesn't it make sense?" Zac asked, finally speaking.
"Because you said you called her to break up with her, so why does it matter who did it first? The end result was going to be the same, except now you feel like she won, which is stupid because up until a couple of months ago, you've cheated on her your entire relationship. So if anybody won Zac, it was you. You had a girlfriend who everyone loved and you guys could seem like this beautiful amazing couple with all these values and shit, while still being able to come home every night and get your rocks off whenever you wanted to. So tell me, who really won? The girl who 'beat' you to the break up first or the guy who spent the last year and a half in two relationships at the same time?!" Tears were beginning to well up in her eyes when she was finally done speaking. She could feel Zac looking at her, but she didn't turn to face him. She kept her eyes straight until she saw him look away and then she lowered her head. She hadn't meant to say all of those things, but she was immediately glad she had.
"Maybe we should just go home," she suggested. Zac's head immediately snapped up as he turned to look at her.
"No, Kail. We just got here," he pleaded. "I just want to be here. Or anywhere really, with you. I know you're mad--"
"I'm not mad Zac," Kayla said, cutting him off, "I'm just..." she trailed off. Zac waited for her to continue, but she didn't say anything. She passed Zac the joint that was still in her hand and laid her body back into the bed of the truck. She reached her hands behind her head and stared up at the stars above them. "Have you ever come here alone?" she asked him, breaking the silence.
Zac shook his head, before twisting his body to face her, "No. I've never been here without you, why?"
"Just curious. I remember once, when we were like 12 and you guys had come back from L.A., we came here and it looked so different to me. You guys were gone for so long that year and I remember all I wanted to do was come here with you. I was kinda bummed when Ike and Tay came, but I remember Isaac just needed any excuse to drive." Zac had turned his face forward when she'd started talking, but he could hear the smile on her face. "And I remember getting here, but I don't remember the drive over because we were sitting in the backseat and I had my head on your shoulder and my eyes were closed. And you guys were talking about recording and demos and other things that I knew nothing about and I was just so happy to be around you again. I could hear all three of you speaking, but I could feel you. The rhythm of the beat of your heart, the way your body vibrated against the side of my head every time you spoke. I felt how many times you wanted to jerk forward and speak with your body, but you kept stopping yourself because you thought I was sleeping and didn't want to move and wake me up. I felt your body heat radiating off of you and seeping into me. I was so happy. And when we got here, you touched my cheek and called my name and it was so sweet and so loving and caring and we got out and I remember it was sunny and I felt like I was in a movie. I swear it was like I was seeing everything through a new pair of eyes. The colors were brighter, the sun was shinier, the water was clearer. And that was when I knew..."
"Knew what?" Zac asked, twisting his body again to look in her direction. She was still looking straight up at the stars, silent tears streaming down the sides of her face and into her ears. She sniffled quietly before turning her eyes to him. They shared a silent moment before she turned her eyes back to the sky.
"I was in love with you. I didn't just love you, I've always loved you since the day I met you. But this..." she closed her eyes, "This was something different. This was, 'I'm so in love with you, and nothing, not even the colors of the world, will ever be the same again'. " She tightened here eyes a bit for a couple of seconds, before opening them again and turning them to Zac. He was facing forward again, but she could tell he was looking at the ground. She bent her body up and turned towards him. He kept his face forward. "Look at me," she said quietly. He raised his head up, willing the tears he was fighting from spilling out, and turned his head in her direction. "I was in love with you then and I have been ever since. And until the day you kissed me, I didn't know if you felt the same way. But it didn't matter, because I knew that even though you didn't love me the way I loved you, you still didn't love anyone. And yes, that was probably selfish and immature but it's what kept me sane. It's what kept me from being weird around you, it's what kept me from crying over you every night. It's what kept me able to hang out with you everyday and share gum with you and lay on you and hang all over your body without any weird or funny tension because you were still mine. I didn't have to share you. Yes you were becoming famous, and yes a million and one girls 'loved' you, and I know you guys love your fans, but you didn't love them the way I loved you. No one would ever replace me, no one would ever be better than me, no one would ever be what I was to you. Ever." She paused and let out a loud sigh as Zac wiped away at her tears. He held his hand to her, and she pushed her face so that his hand was sandwiched between her shoulder and her cheek.
"Kail--" he began.
"I'm not finished," she interrupted. He smiled and let out a soft chuckle.
Kayla continued, "But then one day..." her voice was barely above a whisper. She closed her eyes to compose herself and cleared her throat, "One day, there was someone else. She wasn't trying to be better, she wasn't trying to be your new best friend, you didn't compare her to me. She wasn't trying to take my place; she didn't even know about me! But she... she made you not think about me. And she didn't even have to try. And I felt like my world, the way I saw it, the way you made me see it, with the colors and the sounds and the smells and the tastes, was over. And everything went dark again. Everything got duller, and fuzzier and colder because I didn't have all of you like I always had," tears were streaming down her face, but it was her turn to reach out and wipe Zac's away. She could see the pain he was feeling. The sadness, and the regret. "You are a drug to me, love. And when you let me have you, I became addicted. I know that now. You became my life. You always have been. But now, I know it."
They sat there for what seemed like an eternity. She slowly let her hand down away from his face.
"I was going to break up with her to be with you," Zac finally admitted. Kayla closed her eyes and took a breath. Her heart was breaking with every second that passed.
"I know," she whispered.
"But we can't be together, can we?" he replied.
Kayla shook her head, "Not like this. Not yet. Not until you know that you can love me the way I've loved you. We're not normal. We never have been. I'm too young for this. To be feeling all of these feelings and to be going through all of these emotions. And you've had to grow up too quickly. All I've ever wanted was to be yours the way you've been mine, in my heart. But I can't force that Zac, and neither can you. This can't happen; we can't happen like this. When you know, and if I'm the one, then we can be. But until then, I have to quit, cold turkey, waiting and hoping and wishing for something that God may not have made for me."
"What about us?" Zac asked. The sound of his voice, broke Kayla's heart even more. She knew the "us" he was referring to.
"We'll always be us. We just have to only be us," she replied.
Zac closed his eyes before leaning forward and kissing Kayla on her forehead. She jumped off of the bed of his truck and silently made her way into the passenger seat. She closed the door and waited for Zac to make his way to the driver's seat. He positioned himself, put on his seat belt and turned the ignition.
"I had a really great time with you tonight," he said, looking over at her.
Kayla smiled at him, "Me too," she said.
He turned his head forward, slowly making his way onto the main road and beginning the silent drive home.