Christmas approached but instead of merrier, things only got worse. Besides Umbridge's new decrees and general tyranny, I argued with her more and more. Not because I provoked, but because she did. She wouldn't back down asking me about Sirius and making remarks about my teaching methods, saying that my political views were too liberal and that I didn't follow her propositions. Whenever I would try to defend myself, she would twist the words in my mouth against me.
By now, I was sure she was trying to find a way to get rid of me. She hated me, based on her own prejudice against me and my past, and it was getting worse.
Every evening, I would sit in my office and try to find a way to make her believe me. But lying was slowly becoming impossible since her opinion of me seemed set in stone. So, I would go to bed wondering what kinds of humiliation would follow the next day.
Obviously, all of this didn't go unnoticed by the other Order members among staff. Minerva assured me that I wasn't at fault and that Umbridge was trying to get rid of anyone who seemed like a weak chain link. Me, with my past and connection to Sirius, was an easy target, just like Sybil who had the disadvantage of teaching a subject Umbridge didn't approve of. I knew she was right, but I wish she wasn't. I didn't want to be a weak chain link, I wanted to do my job unbothered.
Severus on the other hand was more impatient. Just now, he was sitting in my office again, trying to make sense of it. "I know most of this is Umbridge's doing, but I do also think that you are making it... too easy... for her."
"I tried, Severus, I really did."
"Not hard enough, apparently." By now, he wasn't as reluctant to talk to me or accept tea when I asked him. Still, it was impossible to read him. Severus only did what he wanted, when he wanted and how he wanted. I had no idea why he even tried to help me.
"I don't think this is going to work. If she gets more and more freedom to do what she wants, then maybe she's going to find out... things. If she convinces the Minister of her suspicions, who knows if she can't force me to go to a hearing like Harry."
Severus narrowed his eyes. "What are you implying?"
"Maybe I should just admit defeat before it's too late."
"If you leave now, she will think you have something to hide."
"She thinks that no matter what I do."
Severus looked at me very intently, and I fidgeted. His dark eyes were boring into mine. "Don't."
"What?"
"Go back to Grimmauld Place and hide like a coward."
I frowned. "Coward? If this is about Sirius, then I..."
"He's not good for you right now," Severus interrupted. "He's miserable and he's going to make you miserable. Your place is here, as the Headmaster has ordered."
"What? I... Do you really think that?" I was partly angry about his audacity and partly curious as to why he would go out of his way to tell me this. Severus wasn't one to interfere in other people's business or relationships, so he must be really sure of that.
"I do think so. Not that I care about your betrothed."
"I'd never assume that," I said, rolling my eyes. "Anyway, I don't have a choice should things get worse."
Severus just sighed as if to tell me that I had to try harder. But I wasn't sure I could. There was a reason why Sirius and I were such a good match – a part of me was calm and collected, which helped keep him calm, but another part of me was just as rebellious and stubborn as he was. I just hoped it wouldn't lead to more trouble.
* * *
The last day before Christmas was cold. The air was crisp, the heat of the fireplaces fought against the icy winds that came through the castle walls and snow was covering the grounds. I was leaving the cozy place in my office to head to what would be one of the last Ancient Runes classes of the year.
I was glad that the holidays were almost there, and that I could go and see Sirius again, even if it was only for a short while. I missed him so much that it was getting harder and harder. Umbridge had her spies everywhere, so we hadn't dared talk over the flea network lately, let alone write letters.
Merlin, I was longing to be in his arms and every second that separated me from him was abhorrent.
After the lesson, I stayed behind to do some paperwork. Lately, I was careful not to make any mistakes in terms of school procedure. I thought the day was going well until I heard a low harrumph from the door. Looking up, I saw the face that I least wanted to see.
Umbridge made her way into the classroom and came towards my desk. She had a sickening smile on her face. "Miss Allington, do you have a minute?"
Reluctantly, I nodded.
"As some of my students have told me, you still haven't implemented the suggestions I have made concerning the curriculum of your classes. I wonder... do you care about your students' well-being?"
"I do. That's why I haven't implemented them." I knew that was not what she wanted to hear.
She raised her eyebrows. "And why is that?"
"Because you called them suggestions. I considered them and came to the conclusion that I don't want to teach the students what you or the Ministry force me to."
"Ha." Umbridge let out a laugh. "So silly of me, but for a moment it sounded as though you were questioning my authority."
I took a deep breath. "Well, that's because I am. Dumbledore is the headmaster of this school and I only take orders from him."
She looked even more offended now that I bonded with Dumbledore. "Miss Allington, it pains me to see that you are so wrong about so many things. The Minister is in charge, and since I am here under his orders, I am too."
"Professor Umbridge, I'm sorry, but I don't want my students to learn wrong and discriminating things. Several of the books you recommended are outdated. One even suggested killing all werewolves."
"I don't see why this is outdated, Miss Allington. Or are you bonding with these halfbreeds?"
"Halfbreeds?"
"Call them whatever you want, they're dangerous and need to be controlled. The students need to know that, not just from my own classes but also from yours, so that they don't get confused."
I couldn't contain myself anymore. "You're out of your mind."
"What?"
"You heard me correctly."
"I hope you are aware that, by virtue of my office and the authority the Minister has provided me with, I can dismiss Hogwarts staff as I please", Umbridge said, her nostrils quavering from suppressed anger. "If you don't want to follow my orders, you will have to go."
I was furious now. "I am aware, but I certainly won't give you the chance to do so since I'm hereby handing in my notice. You may now look for a suitable, more old-fashioned and narrow-minded substitute over Christmas."
"You can't.... I..." She stammered but then quickly regained posture. "Fine. Ever since I got here, I had the impression you weren't suitable for such a position, considering your treacherous past and questionable loyalties. I'm sure you can find a position more adequate for your mindset, away from easily manipulated students."
At that, I nearly laughed. She of all people telling me my mindset was wrong and that I shouldn't have anything to do with children. But I was clever enough not to provoke here even more. I didn't need a disciplinary enquiry that would endanger the order. "Maybe you're right, Professor Umbridge. Maybe someone else is more suitable for a position under your leadership. I hope you can find someone who is a good example for the students. Now if you excuse me, I have some packing to do."
I let her stand there and made my way to my room. I didn't want to talk to anyone right now, I knew it would be common knowledge soon and by then I wanted to be gone. My biggest concern right now was that Dumbledore would be mad at me or that I would get problems with the Ministry. But at the end, I knew they didn't have anything substantial besides Umbridge's word and that still wouldn't justify further inquiries. Still, I was sad. I had loved my job so much, but I couldn't do it like that. I couldn't teach my students racist stuff, I would betray myself and everyone I loved.
Now I had to go home and find another way to be helpful.