Monday November 4, 2013
11:48 p.m.
I was officially twenty three but I still felt fifteen. I let my past take over me and control my life for eight years. Every year, I'd look myself in the mirror and make a resolution. I'd promise myself that I'd change; I'd become stronger, smarter, and protect myself better than I did in the past. But every year, I failed. Why would this year be any different?
I'd gone through the day just like any other day, because that's what it felt like to me. I didn't wake up with the tingling feeling in the pit of my stomach like I used to when I was much younger. I didn't wear a crown or tiara and prance around telling everyone it was my special day. I just went to work, to Monday Night Raw, and did my job.
Tonight, I had the opportunity to face Naomi in one on one competition. It was my first solo match, meaning I'd have no one to tag in and out when I got tired or was hurt. All Aj Lee could do was cheer me on from the sidelines and make sure no outside factors determined the winner of the match, which I did eventually get the win on. It was probably better that Aj and I didn't work together too much though.
Tensions were still high between us, last night being more than enough proof. I was driving with Aj and she barely uttered a word to me in our four hour drive to Los Angeles, California for Monday Night Raw. Not even when the clock hit midnight and it was officially my birthday. After Aj had gotten a phone that she could call and text me on regularly, she was always the first person to call and start my birthday off right. Aj was first even when I was in a room full of people, but things were different. I drove and she kept to herself, working in a journal that she wrote in daily. Every now and then we'd sneak glances at each other but never at the same time. I knew she was disappointed in me for not telling Joe who Giana actually was but I would've never thought she'd give me the silent treatment over it.
My body is your party, baby
Nobody's invited but you, baby
I can do it slow now, tell me what you want
Baby, put your phone down, you should turn it off
'Cause tonight it's going down, tell your boys it's going down
We in the zone now, don't stop
"It's our song," Colby said, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind.
"It's the song that got me in trouble," I mumbled, twisting my body so that we were face to face.
I'd been avoiding him for the past two weeks and honestly, it was exhausting. The guy got around, and as large as the buildings we worked in were, he was always somewhere close. It got to the point where I'd have to turn my head to make sure he wasn't around and then I'd make a dash to my next location.
"Trinity told me you've been hiding from me," he slurred, the liquid in his beer bottle swished around as if was dancing to the beat.
"I'm not. We just haven't run into each other recently," I replied with a shrug of the shoulders.
"You don't answer my calls or texts. I've asked you out to breakfast and dinner multiple times but haven't heard a word from you."
"I don't remember getting any calls or texts, but maybe we can do something Saturday before the show," I promised but didn't mean it.
The last thing I needed was for him to pop another surprise on me, maybe a marriage proposal was next. No, that was a little too dramatic. Maybe he'd buy me a gift, and offer that we take things slow and start off as fuck buddies. Yeah, fuck buddies.
"Okay, cool," he smirked, something devious coming to mind. "But for now, dance with me. I wanna have some fun with the birthday girl."
That probably wasn't the best idea that the Architect could have come up with. Well actually, it was a very good idea for him, just not for me. He'd get everything he wanted, which was my ass on his crotch and maybe even more. If I were drunk, I would've danced along with him just for the fun of it. But I was too aware and had no intentions of dancing with a guy that referred to me as a toy that he'd give up once he got tired of.
It probably would have been easiest for me to be one hundred percent honest and admit that my "feelings" for him weren't nearly as strong as his were for me. And honestly, I was going to tell him that before Celeste, one of Aj's best friends, came over and pulled me away to dance. She was a lifesaver, and Celeste admitted that she'd only done it to help me out. She wasn't quite the dancer herself but that night she'd been a good friend. Even if she didn't save me, there'd be no way I danced with Colby.
12:05a.m.
My birthday was over five minutes ago and I couldn't have been happier. Nick decided to throw a birthday celebration for me at his house which was really nice, but when the clock hit twelve, the party wasn't about me anymore and became about everyone letting loose after five long days of being on the road.
"Maria! Don't drink that!" Nick yelled across the room, rushing over to snatch the fruit punch out of my hand.
"What?" I whined.
"This," he pointed to the plastic cup, "has alcohol in it. How much have you had?"
I honestly should have known it was spiked, weren't all punches at parties spiked? It all made since though, after about two full cups I was a little tipsy. Nothing too bad but I wasn't as secure on my own two feet as a I could be. Hopefully Colby wasn't waiting in the shadows, ready to take me up to an unoccupied bedroom and continue what was never started two months ago.
"Seriously you people need to start making signs about this kind of stuff. Not everyone drinks ya' know," I frowned up at him and his snarky smile.
"Don't get mad at me because you just dumped alcohol into your system, again. Go drink some water to flush it out and I'll be your watcher, to make sure you don't do anything dumb. I'm so sorry about this," Nick said, tapping the bridge of my nose like he always did.
He loved the fact that he was seven years older than me. Our big age gap led to him referring to himself as a brother figure, especially after we'd gotten to know each other a lot better. I would never be able to admit it out loud, but Nick was the brother I always should have had.
"It's okay, Nick," I sighed before getting myself together and going off in the kitchen to find some water.
Surprisingly, there wasn't anybody in the kitchen and all the food that Nick made for the night was practically gone. I guess I wasn't going to eat, but I could deal with it. Although, it wasn't ideal to have alcohol in my system on a half empty stomach.
I probably should've eaten more throughout the day. Lately, it became a thing where I put off eating, and decided to go to the gym instead. Or, I'd think to myself that practicing a match was more important than fueling my body for the match. I had to do better, I couldn't get myself sick and stuck in a hospital. There's no telling what the company would do with me then. Vince knew some of the things I'd gone through in my life and, even though he hadn't said it to me, he thought I was unstable. No slips up meant I was stable, which I wasn't sure I was, but my boss didn't need to know that.
"But Joe, I don't understand why we have to end what we had going on. I feel like we could make it work," I heard Danielle whine out from the hallway by the kitchen.
"Danielle, I already went over this. When we first fucked, I told you it was supposed to be a one night thing. You begged me to give you a chance and so I've been trying, but now I'm telling you that whatever you thought this was, is over. End of story. Go find a new book to read because this book just finished the epilogue," he ranted.
"Why?" she stuttered.
"Because I don't want to do this anymore! You're a cool person, but you don't make me happy in that way and my heart's not in it. I can't keep stringing you along when I know it's not genuine on my part."
"Is it Maria?" she retorted.
Why is my name coming out your mouth?
"Why is her name coming out your mouth?" Joe asked, reading my mind without even knowing it. It wouldn't have been the first time.
"Don't act dumb, it makes sense. Ever since she came back, she's all you're worried about."
"Hell yeah, I'm gonna worry about her. I care about her a lot, how could I not?"
"Look, this just sucks for me. I wanted more from you, I wanted you to let your guard down. I tried to invite you out to dinner, go to football games, maybe even get in the ring and just throw out ideas. I tried to get to know you but you barely even gave me the time of day. And I was so close to getting to know you as a person, not just in the bedroom. But when Maria came into the picture, you went back to being the same cold hearted, dick minded guy I first met. She changed you, and it wasn't for the better." Danielle said with so much emotion that I was stuck trying to figure out if she really did care about Joe or if she was just that good of an actor.
I made him cold hearted?
No.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
"Or maybe it was just that the more time I spent with you, I realized that you're not what I'm looking for. You know my past with Maria, and for a while she wasn't in my life anymore. Having her show up out of nowhere, it brought back so many feelings that I thought I was over. I still don't even know how to react to seeing her so much again. I have a lot going on and the last thing I want to do is string you along. You don't deserve that. I think that in the long run, I'm protecting both of us by stopping it here."
"You're making a mistake, I hope you know that," it was Danielle to end the awkward silence that had fallen between the two of them.
"How?"
"Maria's not the person you think she is. That girl's got more secrets than you could ever dream up. She never loved you, she just loved the idea of you. Maria used you, I don't know why you can't see it. All those years she only kept you around because she needed someone to fight her battles with Damian for her. You protected her, had her sheltered, and she loved every second of it. But as soon as she got rid of her crazy ex, what did she do? She fucking left you and didn't even look back... I know you probably think I'm a whore but take a look at Maria. She's fucking you, Colby, Nick, maybe even Aj. Why? So she can get to the top of the division and make all the money. And once she gets rich, then what do you think is gonna happen? She'll leave—"
"Shut the fuck up! Now!" Joe yelled, his fist banging against the wall when I knew he'd rather punch the air headed blonde.
Never in a million years had I used Joe to fight my battles or get ahead of anyone at anything. If I was going to win a war, it was because I did it with my brain and my strength. If I was going to make money, it was because of my hard work, my dedication, my sleepless nights, my trials and errors. I never asked Joe to do anything for me, I never needed him to. But being apart of my life and enduring some crazy shit was a decision he made on his own.
"Let's get that one thing straight, Maria's got some secrets under her belt but I trust that they're secrets for a reason. I never asked to know every single thing about her but if she tells me, that's between her and me. Second, Maria has never, ever asked me to 'fight her battles' for her, nor would she ever. It's quite the contrary actually. Third, Maria works hard for every single thing she has in her life right now and deep down, you know it, too. I need you to understand that I will never stop loving that woman. Whether she walks out of my life tomorrow or decides she hates me and never wants to speak to me again, I will still love her. She's been there for me when no one else was; she's dealt with my craziness, my drama, my failures as a growing man, all of it. No other woman means as much to me as she does, and that's just it. Nothing you do or say can change it," he defended me and I would do nothing but the same for him.
I was standing in the kitchen, waiting for the next shoe to drop. There was nothing for a while and for a second, I wondered if they'd walked away. But then I heard what sounded like a loud smack. What type of friend would I be if I sat back and let that bitch slap Joe in the face? We hadn't even had three full conversations and I had already had enough of her. The last thing Joe would ever do was put his hands on a woman, whore or not. But between Danielle and I, woman to woman, I could do whatever the hell I wanted to her.
"Danielle, really?" I snapped, walking out of the kitchen to see her taking her anger out on Joe's face.
She turned around to face me with a shocked look written across her face. I gave her about five good seconds to gather herself before I open palm slapped her right on the jaw. I hurt myself in the process but it was a small price to pay. I wanted her to put her hands on me because I was looking for a fight. And to my surprise, she pushed her hair out of her face before pushing me. Going against the momentum, I punched her between the eyes. I waited for her to regain her composure and balance before knocking her off center again with a right hook. I started reigning on her with punches as she fell to the ground. The more I hit her the angrier I got. This was a long time coming. Her hitting Joe was just a really good excuse to put her on her ass. I saw blood dripping out from her nose but that only fueled me more.
"Maria! Maria, stop! That's enough!" Joe got involved.
I got in one last good hit before I started kicking and screaming, wanting Joe to put me down.
Sooner or later a small crowd flooded out from the basement, consisting of Colby, Nick, Trinity, Jon, Josh, Eva Marie, Ariane, and Celeste. They all took a minute to assess the scene and try to piece together what happened before Nick, Colby, Trinity, and Celeste came over to Joe and me to get me calmed down. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the rest of the group attend the Danielle and try to get a story out of her.
Nick directed Joe to walk me to the formal living room, which was the next room over from the dining room. When I tried to resist, Joe lifted me up as if I weighed nothing and carried me to the room, laundry bag style with my head looking backwards.
Once we got there, Joe put me down and took a seat on the black, leather couch. He pulled me down onto his lap and wrapped his strong arms around me in a soothing manner. The intimate position would've had me on edge if I weren't so caught up in my fight with Danielle.
"What the hell just happened?" Nick asked Joe as I tried to get myself to calm down.
"Really, I don't know. I was talking with Danielle, trying to end things between us. But then she started talking shit about Maria, saying it's all her fault, and then she just started freaking out and laying into me. She just kept slapping me and I was trying to get her to stop. Then before I knew it, Maria came out the kitchen and they started fighting... more like Maria just knocked that girl on her ass. They already didn't like each other—"
"Yeah, I know what happened between them. Aj told me," Nick cut him off to save Joe the breath.
"What was it? Some stupid drama? Danielle took Maria's ring gear and hid it or something pathetic like that? That's so—" Colby started before I cut him off.
"That bitch had the nerve to sneak borderline nude photos of my sister and put them out for her classmates to see. I'm over her and all her shit," I snapped, making everyone jump except Joe, who just rubbed my arms and brought me closer to him.
"Are you hurt anywhere?" Trinity asked, stepping closer to gloss over me.
"I'm fine."
"Guys, let's give Maria a minute to calm down. Joe, I think you should just get her to bed, she's had a little alcohol on accident and she's obviously very worked up. I'm gonna get Danielle out of here," Nick decided. "I told her not to come," he shook his head before walking off.
The rest of the group cleared out and followed after Nick. Colby tried to stay and make sure that everything with me was okay and under control, but Joe waved him off and told him to mind his own business.
"You know, all it takes is for somewhere here to snitch to the company and you could be fired..." Joe explained.
"I don't need your shit, Joseph. Thank you very much," I frowned.
He sighed before kissing my right shoulder and my breath got caught in my throat.
"I'm sorry for getting you involved. You always did clean up after my shit."
"Like you haven't done the same for me. Besides, she had it coming. It was gonna happen sooner or later and I'm glad it was sooner because I had a lot of stem to blow off."
We sat in silence for a few more minutes, the chaos with Danielle in the hallway dying down. The calmness was a nice adjustment after everything that had just happened. But even after I had time to think about what I'd done, I didn't regret it. Not even a little.
"Can you come upstairs with me?" I asked once tiredness set in.
Joe nodded his head and offered me a piggyback ride. I was too tired to protest so after he stood up, he squatted down to my height and so I was able to hop onto his back. In college, he used to give me piggyback rides to the football field for cheer practice. I directed him to the bedroom Nick had offered me for the night and I figured it'd be best if I took the room so Aj could have the hotel room all to herself, or with Phillip. I couldn't have cared less.
We entered the room and Joe hit the lights. He walked me over to the bed before dropping me and I hit the soft mattress saying, "Oof."
"You okay?" he asked, taking a seat next to me on the bed.
"Yeah, I'm just gonna go run my knuckles under some warm water. They don't look too cut up, but I'm sure they'll be a little sore in the morning," I said more so to myself than Joe.
I walked to the oddly set up bathroom and turned the hot and cold water on to a perfect warm mix. I hissed a little bit from first contact but was able to compose myself quickly. I didn't even want to think about how they'd feel when I got ahold of some rubbing alcohol. Pain or no pain, it was all worth it.
"Maria."
"Yes."
"Do you need me to get anything out of your bag for you? Tape? Band aids?"
"No, no, I'm all good," I smiled at him, feeling slightly awkward that he had the perfect view of my ass from the bed.
"You hiding something inappropriate in there?"
"Like what? Toys, I'm a virgin," I joked.
When I looked at his face through the mirror and saw a slight frown stitched across his face, I kind of wished that I hadn't mentioned anything about my virginity. I couldn't joke around or lie to him when it came to stuff like that because he lived my college life with me and we did a lot more than hold hands.
"Oh, so... you didn't lose your virginity to Damian?"
Both of us went silent as Joe waited for my response, probably hoping for me to lie again and let him confess he knew the truth. I had to get myself together, I had to connect all the dots, find all the missing pieces. I never told Joe that I wasn't a virgin, it just wasn't something that was brought up. How he found out that I lost my virginity to Damian was beyond me. The only thing I could think was that Noah was the one to tell him... unless... Damian mentioned it to Joe just to get a one up on him. It wouldn't be crazy to think Damian threw it in Joe's face that he'd gotten to me first and that he'd won, like I was some trophy.
"I didn't lose my virginity to Damian," I forced out.
"Really? Don't lie to me when I have proof—"
"What proof?" I raised my voice, aggressively turning off the water and slamming my wet fists against the counter.
I couldn't even bring myself to look Joe in the eyes so I kept my eyes on the tiles in front of me, hoping that one of them could get me through whatever was about to go down. My heart ached, wishing that he didn't have to find this kind of information out from someone other than the source itself.
"I had gotten a text from Damian one time, I was seventeen, so you were fifteen. He had sent me a picture of you in his bed, with no clothes on. You were sleeping.... and he had said something about you making your choice between him and me. And obviously, since you were in his bed, you chose—"
"Joseph, I didn't lose my virginity to him. He took it," I blurted out without even thinking.
Although I wasn't looking at him, I could feel his gaze fall on me. I couldn't bring myself to look at him because honestly, I was embarrassed, angry, and I felt dirty. So fucking dirty.
"I can't get that night out of my head, regardless of how many pills I take, regardless of how much therapy I go to. No matter what, that night just stays with me like I've got it tattooed on my forehead. If I could go back and reverse that night, change everything about it, I still would've been a virgin by the time I got to college. I should've never been with him in the first place. How fucking young and naive could I have been?" I cried.
I jumped when Joe rested his hands on my waist and turned me to face him. I still couldn't look him in the eyes and was thankful that he didn't force me to.
"I'm about to ask you something and I need you to be completely honest with me. No secrets, no lies, just the truth. Can you do that for me?" he asked, rubbing small circles on my back.
I could hear how fast Joe's heart was beating but mine was ridiculously faster.
"Yes," I didn't recognize my own voice.
The room got quiet again and I couldn't breathe.
"Did Damian rape you?"