"Keep it on the inside because that's the safest place to hide."
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It was nearly two months later. Things were kinda looking up. Zayn had been clean for a month and a half, and winter had arrived meaning that the boys got a break from work.
Since it was nearing Christmas, Louis and Niall took a vacation to go see their family. They would be back in time for Louis' birthday and Christmas, but they needed to spend some time away from all the drama. The other boys had the option too, but Harry and Zayn did not want to go.
Zayn did not want to go in order to avoid facing his family. He knew that he was prolonging the inevitable, but he could not bring himself to do it no matter how many times the boys said it would be good for him. Finally, the boys stopped asking becuase they didn't want to push their luck considering Zayn had been clean for so long.
Harry on the other hand, just saw this as an opportunity to plan the "best Christmas ever". This was the first time that all the boys would spend Christmas together, and he wanted to make it special. He always got so excited around this time because so many wonderful things happen. He got to spend time with the boys, see the smiles on ther faces, cook Christmas dinner, and give Lou the best birthday ever. Though he would never admit it, Liam stayed behind because he did not want to leave Zayn and Harry alone.
Sure, Liam and Louis treated Harry as one of the more dominant ones in the group when he was around, but he really wasn't. It all came down to the fact that Harry noticed the dominant nature of Louis and Liam in the beginning of the relationship, and Zayn and Niall hadn't. When he questioned them, they replied with Niall and Zayn's emotional states weren't up to par with their actual age. Harry accepted the answer, but he wasn't stupid. He knew that they would still treat him like Zayn and Niall after all, he was the second youngest in the group, but fake authority was better than none right?
Ever since the Louis and Niall left, Zayn had been quite closed off. He never left his room, and he only ate when he was forced to. He didn't even come out for dinner. Sure, he hadn't cut in awhile, but he hadn't eaten in awhile either. It wasn't because he did not want to, he couldn't. If he couldn't punish himself by cutting, he would do it by starving. His tan skin was growing paler, his hair was thinning out, and dark circles had grown under his eyes, but he deserved it, right?
Zayn lied more often too.
He did not want to, but he felt as though he had no other option. The boys didn't make him go to therapy for cutting anymore, but they were forcing him to go to therapy because they wanted him to move on from what happened. What they did not understand was the fact that going to therapy was only making him unhappy. He was not going to forget about what happened or forgive the man and move on. To him, it was just plain dumb, so everytime he had therapy, he got in his car and paid the therapist to leave him alone and no tell the boys.
Liam and Harry had tried to get Zayn out of his room multiple times, but everytime Zayn refused, until today. Zayn heard a knock on the door and resisted the urge to roll his eyes.
"Hey Zee, You have not come out in awhile because you like your room, but uh I was wondering if I could come in?" Harry's voice rang out.
Zayn contemplated for a bit before opening the door, but he did. Truth be told, Zayn missed the boys, and he could not resist letting Harry in. Harry's face broke out in a grin.
"Good. I was beginning to doubt if you would let me in," Harry confessed whilst jumping onto Zayn's bed.
"Erm yeah," Zayn answered not really knowing how to reply.
Harry motioned Zayn over before wrapping his arms around him.
"I can see why you spend most of your time up here. It is quite comfy. Liam and I are going Christmas shopping..." Harry trailed off as if he was deciding whether or not to continue his sentence. Zayn looked up at him urging him to go on.
"And we were wondering if you wanted to come with us," Harry finished with a bright smile.
Zayn hesitated. "Umm, I don't really know how to shop for people..." he trailed off, and he wasn't really lying. Truth be told, the last time he spent Christmas with other people was years ago. He was too afraid to go home and risk his parents finding out about what he was doing. Instead, he lied and said he would be spending time with one of the boys for Christmas. In the end, he spent Christmas alone.
"Come on Zayn. You haven't left this room in weeks. Pleeeease," Harry whined batting his eyelashes.
"I guess..." Zayn sighed not having really convinced himself of going.
"Great! Let's go," Harry rushed grabbing Zayn's arm and pulling him up.
"Wait! You meant right now?" Zayn questioned regretting his former answer.
"Duh. When else would we go? Christmas?" Harry questioned sassily having picked up the habit from Louis.
"Okay, give me five minutes," Zayn reasoned since he looked like crap at the moment.
"Fine," Harry huffed not really wanting to waste any more time. It wasn't really his fault though. He hadn't seen Zayn in days, and he really missed spending time with him. Nonetheless, Harry exited to give Zayn his space to get ready.
Zayn threw on a long sleeve shirt and skinny jeans considering it was cold outside, but then he remembered how he was always colder than everyone else. After thinking it over, Zayn decided to put on another shirt and throw a green sweater over it. It wasn't until Zayn looked in his reflection did he have a problem.
Deep bags were under his eyes and a mess of hair sat on top of his head. He was able to cover up the bags under his eyes with the concealer he had picked up, but he was at a loss with what to do with his hair.
He tried styling it multiple times, but each time ended with him feeling as though he was hideous. He grew frustrated as tears built up in his eyes. 'Stop being a baby.' he thought as he pushed his tears back. Zayn calmed himself down and styled it once more, but when he looked up this time, he realized something he hadn't before.
It wasn't his hair that was bothering him, it was him.
He hated his long feminine lashes. He hated how his eyes would crinkle when he smiled. He hated how no matter what hairstyle he had he felt ugly. He just hated him.
Zayn rolled up his sleeves before grabbing his razor. He hesitated. He had been clean for so long, and the boys were so proud of him. Did he really want to screw that up?
'They shouldn't be proud of you anyway. You're a pathetic liar. You haven't even been really clean anyway, starving yourself counts, so are you really changing anything?'
Just like that, all of the progress he had went down the drain with his blood. Then it happened again, and again, until he finally felt the sting in his wrist. After a moment, he was released from his trance and realized what had just happened. His entire forearm was littered in cuts. He failed.
Zayn broke down in tears. He had never felt so disgusted with himself as he did in this moment. After realizing that he had nothing to lose, he punished himself more and more, feeling each and every cut.
Almost instantaneously, Harry walked in shocked at the sight before him. He felt anger and sadness, but he had to push those emotions aside to deal with the broken boy sitting in front of him. He knew that Zayn was very fragile at the moment, but he wasn't quite sure what to do. He knew that Zayn had cut, but Louis or Liam had always adressed Zayn when he was in this state, and at this point Harry was at a loss.
Instincts kicked in though when Harry saw Zayn ignore the fact that he had even walked in and continue to slice open his skin.
"Whoa bud, what you got there?" Harry questioned softly motioning at the razor Zayn gripped tightly within his grasp.
Zayn's head instantly snapped up as if he had just realized Harry had entered the room.
"Leave me alone. I'm not a child, so don't treat me like one," Zayn snapped looking away.
At this point, if Liam or Louis would have found Zayn, the razor would have been gone, and Zayn would have been getting the lecture of a lifetime about how they don't treat him like a child, they love him, and this is really bad for his health while cleaning his arms like a child.
"I know you're not a child, and I understand what it is like to be treated like one. Liam and Louis have a tendency to do that don't they?" Harry questioned hoping that if he were able to show Zayn he understood, Zayn would let his guard down a bit.
"Yeah," Zayn sniffed agreeing with him.
Harry took this as Zayn relaxing a bit, so he decided to take a route that Louis or Liam would never consider. A casual one.
Harry sat down next to Zayn and motioned towards his arms. "That's got to hurt."
"Umm yeah, it does," Zayn replied shifting uncomfortably. He took the towel next to him and covered his arm feeling insecure about the fact that Harry had seen the cuts.
"So then why do it? You don't have to answer, but I mean for me personally, I would wimp out at the thought," Harry shivered as though he was imagining doing it himself.
"That's good. Well, I mean it's good that you wouldn't do it. You have no reason to. You don't deserve that," Zayn whispered towards the end, but Harry heard him loud and clear.
"And you do?" Harry questioned putting Zayn at a loss of words.
"I'll tell you what. You can give me that razor and no one will have to know about this. Then, we will go shopping without Liam the worry wart, and you will try your hardest to not do this again. Deal?" Harry questioned choosing his words carefully. He knew that Zayn couldn't just stop cutting, it didn't work like that. All that mattered to him was the fact that Zayn was trying.
"Deal."
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A/N
Hey guys! I made this chapter a bit longer (like 800 words longer), but I hope you guys don't mind and enjoy anyway!