Tears trickled down my face at the realization of possibly being alone in that room. I didn't want to be alone again. I was always alone I didn't want to face another torturous moment of solitude knowing that I could have another flashback and no one would be there to help me. The thought of it was eating away at me like a incurable disease.
I scratch my arms, creating red like marks on my body as the anxiety start to build up. Jackson took notice of my behavior and pats me on the shoulder to see of I was OK.
"Y/N? You're scratching yourself like something is eating you."
I stopped the assault on my arms and turn my attention to the dark haired man "Sorry. It's just that I'm scared. I don't want to be alone in the room. I'm scared of what happened to Lisa and hoped that it won't happen to me"
Jackson lays his arm on my shoulder, using his fingers to message the spots to lessen the stress.
"Don't worry Y/N. I'm sure you'll be fine. Maybe they might even put you in a room with someone else for a while or give you a temporary roommate. You won't end up like Lisa. Lisa has a deeper wound that hasn't been healed yet and still has a hard time coping with her own troubles. We're all here for you and for each other and I promise nothing will happen to you" He pulls me into an embrace and the tears began to pour out of my broken soul once again.
***
Dinner was over ad we're all escorted back into our rooms. It was rather quiet this time...almost too quiet. You would think people will be gossiping about what had happened earlier but not a single word was coming out of anyone's mouths. I take one last glance at Jennie, Amber and Jackson before they made their way to the second floor. This time it was me and Yoongi walking alone to my room and a big wave of anxiety hit me as we neared the door.
He takes out a set of keys and unlocks the door, leading the door slowly open on it's own. I hesitate to go into the dark room and look back at Yoongi, who had a puzzled look on his face.
"Am I...going to..be sleeping in this room alone for the entire week?" I stutter
"I'm sorry but yes, but it's only for a week. Patients are not always guaranteed a temporary roommate." He says in a soft tone.
"Wait...I'm not gonna be temporarily roomed with anyone while Lisa is away" I say panting. "I don't think I can do this. I've been alone for far too long" I say holding back tears
"Y/N don't worry. Perhaps being alone for a while can be a good thing for you. For you to think to yourself for a while. Dealing with your own metal health silently can benefit you" He lay a hand on my shoulder, eyeing me with such care and concern.
"I don't know how I can do this. All I want to do is just get out and..live a normal live...or at least know what a normal life is like"
Yoongi hums to himself, letting go of my shoulder "There is no such thing as a normal live. But only you can determine what kind of live you want. You just have to learn to accept and eventually let things go" He backs away from the door and I move myself inside the room, staring back at the pale skinned man in the shadow.
"You have a good night. You can do this. Remember in case of emergency just ring the bell" He says pointing at the bell near the door.
"Good night...Yoongi..and thanks"
He nods a farewell and closes the door, hearing a click sound afterwords. I turn on the lamp and the room lights up slightly. I run to the dresser and pick out my pajamas. I get out of the clothes and put on my pjs and head to my bed. I sat with my legs to my chest, hearing nothing but the soft winds passing in and out of the two windows. The sounds of night crickets chirping in the dark knight made me feel like I was in my own world. I felt calm and at ease but the stinging pain of loneliness still lingered in my chest.
I pull out my notebook and pencil from drawer next to me and thought about what to draw or write. I bite at the end of the pencil still trying to think but grew a bit frustrated the more I thought about it. I look at Lisa's empty bed, thinking about what she had said to me earlier about Namjoon. I laugh at myself as i remember the smile she had given me when she said that Namjoon could probably have feelings for me. I know people say things to get you motivated or make you feel better for their own purposes but this time I genuinely felt that she could possibly right.
I sat up straight and started writing down anything that came to mind my about Dr Namjoon, how he looked, his deep and soft voice, his smile, his beautiful almond shape eyes, how his beautifully sculpted body felt pressed against mine as he calmed me down. I felt like a child writing in a diary and it all felt so embarrassing even though I was alone.
Suddenly I'm swept away in a pool of darkness again. My mind settles back being in the park behind my school, filled with children as they talked and played with their peers. It was the sixth grade. I sat at a bench alone, drawing a picture of a field of bright colored flowers. I remember the feeling of being alone because I was too afraid to talk to anyone. A boy with dark black hair approaches me, standing just a few inches in front of me.
"Hey Y/N! Why are you drawing alone at the table? Come join us! We're playing truth or dare" The boy asks with a cheerful tone
"Mmmm...I don't want to." I say refusing to look up at him.
"Well it's not good being alone all the time. Come on please! It'll be fun!" He says attempting to pull me out of the chair.
"Jaebum! No please! That game is so embarrassing!" I stayed glued to the seat.
He leans down to meet my level "Y/N. How else can you make friends if you don't talk to anyone? We've been friends since I met you at the park and you weren't afraid of me"
"I know!" I sigh letting my crayon drop on the desk and look at the pleading boy. "OK. I'll play but only because you asked nicely"
"Yes!!" He triumphs, grabbing me by the shoulder and takes me out of the desk.
We are joined with a group of at least eleven other students who were about to play the game. All eyes were on me and I wanted to escape but Jaebum made sure I didn't run away.
"Hey guys! Y/N is joining us! So we're even now!" He says placing both me and him on the ground with the rest of the group.
"Lets hurry up and start the game before recess ends" A boy shouts before spinning the bottle.
"Aww! Why me first!?" a girl whines, folding her arms.
"Too bad! Truth or dare!" The boy asks
"Ummm...dare!" She says with confidence
"Hmm I dare you to...run from here all the way to the end of the park in 15 seconds" He snickers
"What! That's impossible!" She huffs
"You chose dare so you gotta do it" He teases
"Fine!" She gets up on both feet dusting of her jeans before taking a stance.
"Ready..and..go!" The boy shouts eyeing the clock on his wrist.
She quickly makes a run for it, almost tripping in the process. I stare in amazement at how fast she ran but I felt a pair of hands slightly touching mine. I look down at my hands only to find that it was Jaebum's hand that was on mine. I blush but tried not to make a scene out of it. The girl runs back to her place, huffing and panting for air.
"You didn't make it. You made it back at 20 seconds" He cackles.
"No fair! This park is too big. I want another try!" He stumps her feet in pure frustration.
"Oh well. That's too bad. Hurry up and spin the bottle!" The boy commands
She said back on the ground, still upset that she didn't win the dare and spun the bottle. The bottle eventually lands on Jaebum.
"Jaebum! Truth or dare?" The girl asks
He sits back a little and lets out a sigh "Hmm..truth!"
The whole group makes a "oooo" sound and I look around not knowing how to react
"Hmm...is it true you like Y/N?" She teases and everyone stares at him with anticipation.
It grows painfully quiet I can practically hear my heart racing with every second. Of course Jaebum didn't like me because we're friends. Friend can't like each other like that.
"Yes...I do like Y/N" Jaebum confesses
"Huh!?" I look at him in disbelief
He turns his body towards me, staring softly into my eyes "I like you Y/N and I'm not ashamed" He smiles softly but the smile slowly churns back into another black hole.
My mind wonders back to reality and I'm back to staring at my half scribbled notes in my notebook. Something in my gut didn't feel right at all. My head ached with the need for answers to questions I still couldn't answer.
I put my notebook back into my drawer and laid back on the bed, hands resting on the back of my head.
Someone actually liked me? I was once loved by someone I'm now beginning to remember?...I actually had my first love before?