As always, don't forget to vote, comment and fan... I love to read your comments & appreciate them. Thanks, Crissy =:)
I love the song & it really fits too!! please listen :)
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Recap chap 20:
She would have seen me as she'd seen Gabriel, a monster, a ravenous, hideous monster. I lost control and it had cost me something precious. I couldn't bear to have looked into those wounded eyes again. So full of pain and shame for what I'd done to her. I had to leave. I packed a small bag and left swiftly.
I had to leave and never return.
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Chapter 21: Confessions and Revelations
Arianna POV
I curled up on my window seat, drew my knees to my chest and waited for Zander to arrive. He had promised that he would check on me while Xavier was away on business. I needed to confess, to have shared the burden of my secret, although I had no one else to share my pain. I had to tell someone, I couldn't have faced it alone. I stared into the wet, dreary morning.
Rain beat heavily against the window pane. It mirrored the tears that fell from my eyes. I couldn't have done it, exposed Ronan for what he'd done. It would have meant death to him. I couldn't have been responsible for that. I thought in time, I could have forgiven him, I may have started already.
I wanted to see him, talk to him, let him explain and gravel for absolution, but I couldn't. The pain was fresh and the shame was deep. It was a whirlpool of blackness. I tried as hard as I could have, but I couldn't have escaped it. And so it began again, the cycle of pain and lies, anger and betrayal. Fate had a cruel hand that beat heavily on me.
I heard a gentle knock on my door. I knew it had to have been Zander, so I invited him in.
"Good morning Aria. How are you on this dreariest of days?" He had that right, it was the dreariest day I'd ever experienced in my existence. He must have noticed something was wrong because he came to me immediately.
"Why have you been crying?" He was concerned. I hadn't answered, I need to gather courage.
"Arianna, you look like hell. I say that as a friend and someone who loves you. Don't take it the wrong way." I'd heard those words before, and not in a dissimilar context. I still gathered courage.
"Please tell me what's wrong. You're not upset that Ronan left are you? It's probably for the best." He commented with compassion.
"WHAT? He left? When did he leave? Where did he go?" I questioned forcefully. I needed to know what happened. Who or what he told about my current circumstance.
"He left last night. He said there was an... issue he needed to resolve." His tone was flat, devoid of any emotion. He hadn't liked Ronan much. Zander thought he'd taken advantage of me when I'd first arrived. That he dragged my heart into some sick game that he enjoyed playing.
"When is he going to return?" I never would have thought I could have been so perverse. I worried about a man who violated me. I worried about his safety, and when he would return. What was wrong with me?
"He's not coming back Arianna. I'm sorry." He was regretful. He held my hands gently in an effort to comfort me. Tears streaked my face. He wasn't coming back. We hadn't spoken much in the last few weeks, but I knew he would have always been there. He would have always been waiting. Suddenly he was gone.
I was angry at him because he hurt me, even angrier that he left me. The loss hit me like I was punched in the chest. Why hadn't I hated him? How could I have felt this way? I knew the answer. It was suddenly shockingly clear. I still loved him. Not as much as I loved Xavier, but I still loved him, even though he hurt me in the worst possible way. What kind of a sick person was I?
"Look Aria, I know there's more going on here than you're willing to admit. Please tell me." He demanded
"I can't." I had no words. I was numb, devoid of feeling.
"How bad is it?" He embraced me.
"It's pretty bad." I sighed heavily, defeated. I attempted to regain feeling in my mind and body.
"Did you sleep with him? Is that why he left?" He questioned warily, in an accusatory tone.
"Not exactly." I responded weakly. He seemed a little annoyed. He hadn't understood.
"How could you do that to Xavier?" His words were angry. I could have let him continue to think the worst of me, but he needed to know the truth.
"I didn't do anything. What happened was not my fault." I tried to convince myself of these words, as well as him. I grew weary of explanations and innuendos.
"You didn't do anything. You 'not exactly' slept with your husband's brother, but it wasn't your fault. I don't understand." He shook his head and tried to find meaning behind my words. I should have been clearer. I took a deep breath, let it out with an exasperated sigh and confessed.
"He..." I had no words. This was by far the most painful thing I had ever attempted to admit. I searched my heart and found the courage to let those few words escape me.
"He raped me." The words tumbled out with a gush of emotion. Tears that I hadn't know existed fell like rain. They beat heavily on my cheeks.
"He raped you?" He gasped, shocked and desperate for understanding. He gripped me tightly. His arms conveyed his regret at the realization that he'd forced me to admit my 'dirty secret'.
"Yes, he raped me. Last night he came to my room and lost control. He wasn’t himself." I was dismayed.
"You have to tell someone. You have to tell Xavier. Ronan must be punished for what he's done." He ordered.
"I'm not going to tell anyone and neither are YOU!" I was angry, how could he have forced this on me?
"I don't understand Aria. How can you protect him?" He was just as angry.
"I don't need you to understand. I need you to keep my secret and I need you to be my friend. I need you right now, you're all I have." I was defeated because there wasn't anything more I could have said.
"I'm always your friend Aria, never doubt that. I'm here for you. I will keep your secret, but if Xavier ever asks me straight out... I'm not going to lie." He was adamant. Zander was nothing if not honest and true.
"I don't expect you to." I embraced him.
"Thank you. You're a great friend." A better friend than I deserved. I rested my head on his shoulder while he comforted me.
It was all he could have done, and it was all I wanted.
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At least she doesn't have to go through it alone!
Zander is a good friend!