December was approaching fast, bringing the usual festive ambiance along.
Dean had never really liked this period of the year that much and if not for the children, Christmas would have been an ordinary day.
He looked forward to the end of the year to resume a normal life and avoid thinking about the same things again: his mother, Tessa, all the ones he had loved and who weren't there to share these moments with him... Those who wouldn't see his kids grow up and see how he had managed to go on with his life despite the painful burden of their absence.
He looked at Apache running in the park and sighed.
Tonight, Lisa was coming over for supper... She had slowly begun to take her place among them, despite the fact that the children were keeping their distance and Castiel was often absent when she came over. However, he was never rude to her and Lisa seemed to like him. But that was the extent of their interaction, no more. The feeling was cordial, because that was in their nature and they both loved Dean beyond reason.
Nevertheless, Dean knew they'd never become friends... Only Tessa had manage to forge that special link between so different people.
He took a deep breath...That's why he hated this season's holidays. All he could do was wondering about the choices he had made, as if he had spent the previous month analyzing the last year of his life.
Tessa had taken the place of his mother and listened to his doubts.
One year. That year when he thought he'd lost everything.
It all came back to him like a slap in the face.
The assault on Castiel... The arrival of Lisa in his life... His fear of death. His fear of living again.
Living again... Loving again... In a few days, it'd be four months since they had met.
Four months they were building up a relationship, step by step.
She had finally told him she loved him. He had felt overwhelmed as well as scared because he was unable to tell her the same... Only Tessa had heard these words from him.
Why? Why did he feel unable to cross that final line meanwhile he had crossed all the others?
Tessa's shadow still lingered in his world, but was it the ultimate reason?
Lisa shared his life all right, yet he had a hard time determining which part of it?
He rubbed his neck and let out a deep sigh.
« Tessa, my love... You filled the whole place. How am I supposed to let her in now? » he smiled to himself, feeling a bit sad and bitter about the whole situation.
He cared about Lisa, a lot, but did he truly love her?
They had talked, she said she understood, she said their love was real, that it was just a little different. All love stories have their unique nature, right?
He had introduced her to his children, his friends. She shared the same dreams and hopes.
They called each other every day, unable to stand more than twenty-four hours without hearing each other. Wasn't it love too?
Dean couldn't get rid of the turmoil eating him from the inside... with such pervasiveness... Did he love her or was he just afraid of being alone?
Lisa was fighting a ghost of flesh and blood in addition to another one from the past... The fight had been lopsided truncated... From the very beginning. Yet she wanted to believe she could make it, despite Dean's doubts, because these doubts were also what she loved in Dean.
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When Dean returned from the park, the first thing he heard was the laughter that came from the kitchen... He untied Apache who ran straight ahead.
He took off his jacket and smiled to the cries of the children, surprised by the dog.
« Apache....NO! » Castiel's voice... Chadwick's voice mingled with his sister's.
Why ask himself so many questions? He nodded...
He decided to give himself time to grieve, time to make up his mind, time to live one day at a time... As long as he'd come home and hear those voices, his life would make sense.
An ordinary life... His ordinary life.
« Hi everyone » He put a big smile on his face.
« Hi Dad » Chadwick replied, taking a bite in his slice of pie.
« Is this pie? And nobody invited me? » He complained with a fake outraged expression, ruffling through his son's hair.
« Sit down and eat, you pieaholic! » Castiel put a plate in front of him.
Dean rubbed his hands in anticipation and cut a slice of apple and raisin pie.
It was like an old time tea party, sharing laughters, telling about the day's events. Just sharing good times among the four of them.
Castiel smiled, his head resting on his hand, elbow on the table.
« Dad? » Chadwick started
« Yes? » Dean swallowed and turned to him.
« There's the parade on Sunday. »
« A parade? ... So? » He started to fear what was coming next.
« We'd like to go again this year »
« Don't tell me you wanna go to the city parade? The one with the ugliest Santa of all times! » He frowned.
« That's the one... » His son replied with a smile.
« I thought you hated this lame demonstration! » He cut himself another piece of pie.
« We could go there all together, as we used to » Chadwick said, looking at his empty plate.
Dean didn't reply and looked at Castiel. His silence was as eloquent as an answer.
« Indeed, we haven't done anything together for ages. I'm in. » he winked at his son.
« For real? » Chadwick couldn't contain his joy. « Great! » He jumped from his seat and rushed into his father's arms who just sit there, speechless. He hadn't expected such enthusiasm from his kid and it moved him more than he had thought possible.
« You're welcome, son » he finally said, hugging him tight, closing his eyes, tenderly patting him on the back.
« Cool... » Jewel added « We're gonna see Santa »
« Mmm yeah... I just hope this one will be in a better shape than the one last year» he smiled at his daughter as Chadwick was pulling away from his embrace.
« Are you free on Sunday? » he asked Castiel.
« Even if I weren't, I'd cancel everything else. I'd never miss to see the most stoned Santa of the century. »
Dean started to laugh.
« Asshole! » He stood up. « We'll go on Sunday, then »
Castiel had a twitched smile, but his eyes were sparkling, just like old times.
Dean smiled in return, yet he felt a twinge of sorrow.
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The children showed less distant with Lisa that Friday.
Castiel remained his usual self. Dean had no other choice than to deal with it.
He took it as hostility and not as what it really was... pure jealousy.
.
They gathered in front of the television for the sacred « Dean Friday evening ». The channel was broadcasting old movies... Most of them were rather cheesy.
The children sat on the floor, Chadwick leaning on his father's legs and Jewel curled up against Castiel, sitting to the left of Dean. Lisa was on his right, her head resting on his shoulder.
Popcorn passed from hands to hands, under the eyes of a hypnotized Apache.
« NO! » Dean said loudly. « Get out of here... you're blocking the view » he gently pushed the dog away.
The animal ended up sleeping next to Chadwick and let out a profound sigh. Lisa absentmindedly dropped a popcorn on the ground which the dog hastened to swallow.
« As if I hadn't enough to manage those three without having you too mixing in » Dean said, squeezing her tight against him.
« I'll get something to drink » Castiel said as the movie was coming to an end.
« Don't you wanna see the end? » Dean called.
« This movie is a nightmare, Dean... It's simply unwatchable » He said, pointing at the screen.
« What? But it's a classic! » Dean replied, removing his arm from Lisa's shoulders.
« Star Wars is a classic... This one is what you could call a third-rate film » he said sarcastically.
« He's right, you know » Lisa was laughing
« What? » he stared at her wide-eyed « Plan 9 from outer.... a third-rate film? » he looked somehow upset.
« Are you aware that this movie has been nominated the worst one of all times » Lisa pointed out.
« It's a global conspiracy... isn't it? Admit it! » He frowned.
« I liked this movie, Daddy. It was very funny » Jewel was amused.
« Funny? » Dean looked at his daughter with a mortified expression.
« All the threads were visible » using a coaster to imitate the flying saucer.
« But... but... I must be dreaming... These are not my kids! » he finally said, sinking back in the couch cushion.
Castiel left the room. He was laughing too.
« C'mon, don't pull a face like that » Lisa was laughing even louder and planted a kiss on his cheek « The second movie will probably be better »
« Please, don't overdo it... All of you... you're just a bunch of uneducated jerks » he crossed his arms and pouted.
« That's why you're here, to make us more intelligent, honey. » she quickly and tenderly kissed his lips.
« Just you wait... I'll show you what I can teach » Dean replied, sharing a more profound kiss.
Chadwick turned around and sighed.
« Dad, can I put the second movie now? »
Lisa gently pushed Dean away and felt Chadwick's cold eyes on her.
« Go ahead, son »
The boy stood up and switched the DVDs. His face lighted up when he saw Castiel coming back. He ran to help him carry the drinks.
« Thanks, Chad »
« Who wants what? » he asked.
« I'll have a beer? » Dean extended a hand.
« Orange juice » Jewel shouted, waving her arms around.
« Calmos, little girl » Dean ordered.
« Here you go, sweetie » Castiel gave her a can of orange juice and put the bowl of popcorn on the table.
« What do you want? » he asked Lisa.
« Nothing, thanks. I'm not thirsty right now » she smiled.
« Here's a beer, just in case » Castiel leaned and put a bottle in front of her.
« Shit, Cass, move your ass... you're blocking the view » Dean cursed, pushing him away.
« My apologies for making you miss thirty seconds of this prehistorical masterpiece»
« Don't start again, OK? There's nothing better than the first version of King Kong»
« If you say so » he collapsed by his side, dropping the bottle in his hands.
« You're such a jerk... you know that? » he knocked his shoulder and smiled.
Lisa looked at the children watching the adults fighting like kids. There was so much tenderness in their eyes.
Suddenly, for the first time, she felt like a complete stranger among them. She nervously brushed her hair with her hand and grabbed the bottle of beer. She took a long sip, trying to swallow down the lump in her throat.
Late in the evening, she pretended to have a headache and went home, politely turning down Dean's invitation to sleep over.
She gave him a long sweet kiss as they were standing on the porch.
« I've spent a great evening » she said, in a half-lie. « You have a wonderful family » she looked inward.
« I know... and I'm glad you're a part of it »
She smiled and put a hand on his cheek.
« Let's keep in touch »
« Tomorrow, for sure. Send me a message when you're home » he said as she was walking away.
« OK. See you on Monday? »
« Yeah, see you on Monday »
When he went back in, the children were helping Castiel cleaning the table. The dog came to him.
« Shit! Apache... Could you just settle for the garden, just this once? » He sighed, grabbing the leash.
« Leave it to me » Castiel took it from his hands « Take care of the kids, I'll walk the dog » he said with a smile.
« Thanks... I owe you one » he replied, tapping his arm.
The door closed on him and Dean remained there, watching the kids, his proud and joy.
« Come and help us, Dad » Chadwick invited his father to join them.
« 'Coming... And then, up to bed »
Jewel yawned as he walked in the kitchen, holding the empty bowls of popcorn, followed by his son bringing the empty bottles.
He looked at the couch, somewhat pensive. His son snapped him out of it.
« Daaaaaad! ».
« Yeah... Yeah... Sorry »
« You were thinking of her, right? » he asked with a scowling face
« Actually, I was thinking of you » he replied, tousling his hair.
His son tried to avoid the hand, without success.
« Chad? »
« Yes, Dad? »
« Lisa...you like her because... » He avoided looking at his son.
« Because she's nice » Chadwick replied.
Dean looked up.
«... but I prefer when it's just us, as before » he went on, twisting his fingers.
Dean didn't know what to say.
« Are you mad, Dad? »
He moved closer to his son.
« No...Of course not, Chad... I'm just a little sad » he tried to smile.
« I don't want you to be sad... » Chadwick looked at his father in the eye.
« I love you » Dean said. He put a protective hand on his head and let it slide down to his cheek.
« I know, Dad. I love you too... I'm sorry... » He slowly moved away; the intimate contact made him feel uncomfortable. He was also feeling bad for hurting his father, yet he didn't wanna lie to him. He just didn't want Lisa be a member of the family.
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It started to snow and Chadwick was keeping an eye on the outside.
« Do you believe the parade will be maintained? »
« I guess so... » Castiel replied, walking to the window too.
« Look, the sky is already clearing and the snow is melting » he put a hand on his shoulder.
« C'mon... Breakfast is ready. We're waiting for you »
« Castiel? » Chadwick turned around to face him.
« Yes? »
« Are you going to your mom's place during the holidays? »
« Yes, I am... as I do every year. You know that, don't you? »
« Are you gonna be away for long? »
« Chad ... What's the matter? »
« Nothing... It's just that I don't like it when you're away » the boy felt a bit embarrassed and looked at his feet.
« I'll only be away for two weeks. Besides, you're gonna spend Christmas Eve at Uncle Bobby's. It's gonna be great, right? Furthermore, Jo will be there this time...»
« Why don't you invite your mother to spend the holidays here with us? »
« Because my family is right here. It's my home »
« But, it's your mom. If my mom were still alive, I'd like her to be here with us »
« Of course you would. The only difference is your mother was an extraordinary woman »
« And yours isn't? »
« It's complicated, Chad...»
« Yes, but... »
« But? »
« It's Christmas » the boy stared at him.
« What's the matter with you, Chad? What are you trying to tell me? » Castiel was worried
« I don't like her... I tried, but I can't » the boy looked down
« Are you talking about Lisa? She's nice, don't you think? »
« I don't care... I just want our life as it was before » his voice was broken with emotion.
« Chad » Castiel raised his chin with gentleness « Nothing's changed...»
« That's not true. It's not the same anymore »
Castiel stepped back a little, surprised by the harsh tone of the boy's voice.
« Don't you think I haven't noticed? »
« Chad... what... what are you talking about?
He should have told him, but he knew that nothing would ever be the same if the words crossed his lips... Ever.
« Nothing... I just wanted you to stay here for Christmas, with us » he walked away.
Castiel stood back for a little while...
What had Chadwick really meant?
He looked through the window... Nothing's changed. A little white lie which nobody believed anymore...
He could feel the stabbing pain in his heart each time he heard her name or her voice.
Fifteen days away from everything... fifteen days during which he could breathe without feeling the excruciating pain in his chest.
Fifteen days during which he was gonna miss him, as each year for the last ten years.
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« Pinch me! » Dean bursted out laughing as his daughter was staring at him in disbelief.
« Is he sick? » she asked, looking at her father with panicked eyes.
« I don't think so, pumpkin... Don't worry... It's not the real Santa... The real one has too much to do yet, he remained at the North Pole. » He said pushing his cap over his ears.
« So, who is this guy? » she asked pointing at the man walking in front of the parade, held by two elves who struggled to keep him on the right path.
« It's Dionysus himself! » Castiel said. Chadwick and he were laughing out loud.
« Idiot! » Dean replied, yet he bursted out laughing too when Santa tumbled on one of the elves' feet, sprawled on the ground while his backpack's content spilled over his head.
The crowd started to laugh as a man from the security service ran to help a drunk Santa who had most certainly tested every single bar on the way.
« Holy shit... I'll die laughing here» Dean's eyes were filled with tears.
Jewel climbed on the crowd barrier.
« Daddy, look at Santa's wife! » she was pointing at a portly woman who was running towards her « husband ».
« Oh fuck! » her father was laughing even louder.
« NOOOOO » Castiel joined the mirth and grabbed the barrier to keep his balance, as they watched Santa's wife rolling up her dress to be able to run faster, exhibiting a pair of stockings going up her knees.
« Holy mackerel! » he shouted banging on the barrier.
Chadwick was filming the whole scene with his mobile phone, wiping away the tears from his eyes.
Santa Claus finally managed to get up but Santa's wife, carried away by the momentum, couldn't stop on time and knocked off the security agent who clung to Santa Claus in a desperate attempt to regain his balance.
The crowd was laughing as hard as the parade participants themselves... Angels, elves, goblins and fake deers.
Dean saw Castiel walk away, with a hand on his lower abdomen and rush in a nearby alley. He came back a few minutes later.
« I was about to wet my pants» he said, trying to catch his breath. «Holy shit! » he added, joining Dean who was trying to rub the tears away from his face.
« It's been a while since I had so much fun » he tapped Castiel's arm without even realizing, just because he wanted to. He took him by the shoulder and pulled him in a brief embrace.
«Feels so good to be together again » he just said, staring at him.
« Dean » Castiel's voice was nothing more but a whisper but Dean turned his attention to the parade again.
« Look Jewel » he let go of Castiel, grabbed the little girl's waist and lifted her up the barrier.
« Look at the Snow Queen in the big carriage »
« She is so beautiful» she was in awe.
Castiel smiled and shook his head... He felt a persistent gaze on him and turned around. Chadwick was staring at him. The latter winked, pointing at his mobile phone.
He had taken pictures of them... And Castiel understood what Chadwick had meant in the morning.
They shared a silence of complicity, a silent smile... and all was said between them.
They hung around for a few hours and enjoyed toffee apples and cotton candy... No one was paying attention to this so ordinary family... Two men... Two children... It was Christmas season... The mood was festive... no judging.
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Then they went home: Balty was waiting for them, comfortably installed in the couch.
« Baltyyyyy » Jewel ran into his arms.
« Hi sweetie... Well then, where have you been? » He gave her a big kiss.
« We went to see Santa Claus... »
« What? The same as... » He called to witness the other three behind and innocently took a sip of his drink.
« The same, indeed » Castiel smiled and walked in.
« Hi Babe » he said, putting a soft kiss on his lips, as he took off his jacket.
« Cassie, my angel... I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, who's new in the neighborhood »
A man was sitting in the armchair with his back to the door. He stood up and turned around.
« Castiel.... Meet Zeke »
« Nice to meet you» he said, extending a hand.
« Likewise... Balty told me so much about you»
« Really? Balty! » He looked at his companion with questions in his eyes.
« Er... yeah... sorry... In fact, Zeke has problems with his laptop and I was wondering if you could perhaps help him as I'm not a computer fanatic»
Dean stepped in, looking a bit sullen.
« Zeke... Let me introduce you to the rest of the family»
« So this is... Jewel... the prettiest one » he said, smiling to the little girl.
« Hi » she blushed.
« Hello » Zeke answered in a low yet gentle voice.
« This is Chadwick ».
« Hi » the boy nodded.
« Hello ».
« And the big lug over there is Dean ».
« You wanna hear from the big lug, huh? » he stepped closer and took off his glove to shake hands with the newcomer. « Nice to meet you ».
« Likewise» he shook hands with Dean. « I'm so sorry to bother you on a Sunday but I have an important file to finish for tomorrow and this bloody computer just crashed at the worst moment» he smiled although he looked rather embarrassed.
« No problem... Make yourself comfortable ».
« How long have you been here? » Dean asked.
« We just arrived a few minutes ago. » Balty answered.
« Let's go to the kitchen, I'll see what I can do to get you out of trouble. Please follow me, Mister ...?. » Castiel invited Zeke to follow him.
« Just call me Zeke » the latter smiled... Castiel returned his smile.
Dean's eyes followed them.
« Who's that guy? One of your lovers? » He asked Balty.
« No... Even if I wouldn't turn up my nose at him. He has such as gorgeous ass and the face of an angel»
« What? So he isn't gay? » Dean smiled.
« Are you kidding? He is gay as a three dollar bill... »
« Balty, please » Dean said, trying to make him understand to watch his language.
« What! »
« What is a three-dollar-bill? » Jewel asked in her innocent tone.
« Forget it » Dean snapped.
« Go get a shower before supper....C'mon... up up up!! »
« Will you stay for supper, Balty? »
« Yes, sweetie »
« Great! I'll be right back »
Chadwick looked at Balty in a strange way. Balty smiled that wry smile, with a twinkle in his eye.
The boy went to his room without saying another word.
« I'd appreciate it if you could watch your mouth once in a while in front of the kids... Jewel is still a baby. Goddammit! »
« Goddammit, you're so fucking right » Balty defied him.
Dean let out a long sigh and raised the eyes to heaven.
www
Leaning on the sink, holding a bottle of beer, he watched them... Zeke was standing at the right of Castiel, his hand on the back seat and listening to Castiel's recommendations of what Zeke had to do if he were to face the same problem again.
Balty was sitting at the other end of the table, sipping a Lemmy, and looking at them with shining eyes, which made Dean feel angry... without knowing why.
Zeke started to laugh at an explanation from Castiel who started to blush a little.
Dean felt a big lump in his throat and drank the rest of his beer in one single gulp.
« Cass... You need to move outa here because I'm gonna prepare supper. » His voice sounded a bit irritated.
« What? » Castiel turned around, obviously surprised by Dean's intervention.
« It's supper time? The kids have school tomorrow... » He said, raising his eyebrows.
« Oh yes, shit... Good... Let's move to the living room then» Castiel smiled to Zeke.
« I don't wanna bother you any longer. I'll go home now. I have access to the programme that should do it for the moment»
« Don't worry, you're not bothering... I'll show you how to properly restore your session. So if it happens again in the future, you'll be able to... »
The rest of the conversation got lost between the living room walls.
Dean remained silent as Balty was looking at him with amused eyes.
« What are you laughing at? And who is that guy? »
« Told ya »
« You haven't told jack! » he threw his bottle in the bin.
« We met at a private party... He just moved in the area... He doesn't know anyone here yet... So I decided to take care of him. »
« What does he do for a living? »
« Why do you care, honey? »
« I care because Cass has gone through enough shit this year »
« Who do you think I am? » Balty looked offended. «Do you think I'd bring a total stranger here? »
« Sorry. It's just that... »
« I know. I do care about him too, ya know. »
« So? Who's this guy? » Dean insisted, as he opened the fridge.
« He's teaching English literature. Actually, he will be teaching soon... Right now, he's preparing his thesis»
« English literature, huh? » Dean repeated for himself.
« You got a problem with that? »
« No... No problem » he put the eggs and the ham on the counter.
« Pasta on tonight's menu. Are you joining us? » he asked with a faded voice.
Balty wasn't amused with this little game anymore.
« If it's an official invitation, the answer's yes, with pleasure »
« What about him? »
End of chapter