I'm back from the dead! Hey guys, I'm so, so, so, so sorry. I don't even know how long that break was, but I was so busy with university and stuff. So, please forgive me. :D Anyways, take this (to your grave, kidding) chapter as a compensation, I have time and motivation now. Hopefully more frequent updates in the future! :)
Brendon's POV:
I ended up opening the door for Jon, he is my best friend, I shouldn't be an asshole to him. So now, here we are, he brought some Chinese food, that I haven't touched. I don't deserve food either.
"Tell me." Jon commands, mouth full of some rice. I sigh. "Tell you what, Jon? How I handled to destroy the best thing that ever happened in my life?" I look miserably out of the window of my kitchen, seeing Ryan's face in the moon. I see him everywhere.
"Exactly that. Listen, Bren, I need to know what happened or I can't help you." he says sympathetically. "You can't help me either way. Nobody can, I did this on my own, so I have to get out of it on my own." I tell Jon, I don't want more people involved in this than already are. However, Jon will try to help me, it could be unpleasant for his relationship with Spencer. Because I know Spencer well enough to know he would probably not approve of me and Ry being back together. Hell, he's probably sitting next to him right now, telling him to get over me and find someone new. Someone better, who really deserves Ryan and not that piece of shit that I call myself.
"Brendon, stop being overdramatic, there will be a way to fix things. You just have to get your ass off that couch and your head out of your ass. I'm positive, that Ryan still loves you in the back of his mind!" Jon and his always rosy attitude. Doesn't he understand what I did to Ryan? That is unforgiveable and unforgettable. It will never be the same way as it was before. "I don't know, Jon. I really don't know." I sigh again, feeling my stomach getting sick from the greasy smell of the food.
"Yes, you do know, Brendon, you do! Now, please you're not even yourself anymore. You're not the Brendon, I would call my best friend. Don't you understand that I'm here for you and I won't give up until you to get your act together! And it's gonna be a lot easier, if you actually do your part and help me with it. Answer one question, okay?" he looks demanding at me. I roll my eyes, but comply. "What, Jon?"
"Do you still love Ryan?"
Okay, this is the most ridiculous question, he could have asked. "Of course, I do. He will always have that heart of mine."
"Then I don't understand, why the hell you don't stop wheezing and finally coming up with a plan. One thing I learned over the years, is that you can't wait until everything's falling into your lap. You have to do something, so, fuck, do something, you idiot!" I look at him wide-eyed. It will never sound normal to me when Jon Walker curses, he's just to laid back for this.
"Look, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you. We both know you're not the innocent one here. Actually, on the contrary. But exactly that is the reason, you have to be the one to make attempts to get him back. He won't come running back to you out of nowhere. So, come on, the days of grief are over, now get your old sassy attitude out of the basement and get your man back!"
Get your man back? As if it would be that easy, but just to actually satisfy Jon I say: "You might be right. Maybe I can think of something." But inside I know it's near to impossible. "Well, that is not as enthusiastic as I want it to be, but it's a start. Now, please, dig in. I can't eat all of it on my own." Jon says laughingly.
So, I contemplate of this stuff looks the most eatable and take a little bite of some chicken. It feels disgusting and wrong, but I smile in Jon's direction, probably the fakest one I ever managed. He looks kinda confused but brushes it off.
"Good, isn't it?" he says cheekily. "Yea." I say emotionlessly.
-
Jon left after another hour, where he tried to get any further information about my plan to get Ryan back out of me. But I just answered very simple. I'm pretty sure, he is not fully convinced that I'm actually about to do something and neither am I.
I just still feel super hopeless and mean I did so bad, literally so bad. How could he forgive me? So, I'm back to listening to Almost Insane?! on full volume, damaging my ears and pissing my neighbours off. I take a look at my bare feet, didn't walk around without socks for so long. Yea, to hide my tattoo from Ryan.
I inspect it now, my tattoo. It's so beautiful, the cursive type I used and the flowers around it. I remember the time I got it, I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want anyone to talk me out of it. Well, at the time I had some more people to tell, my depression had just started and I thought after all that album, that voice, that man was my anchor. The only thing that kept me from doing it. Then the depression drove all my friends away, even part of my family. I just had Jon left. Of course, he helped me a lot as well and I think I never appreciate enough how much he actually helped me. But I never really felt good talking about my feelings to him.
And I don't care how ridiculous that sounds to everybody else, I started talking to Ryan, because I had the feeling he understood me out of all the nine billion people in the world, he was the only one that knew what I went through. He seemed to cope with through writing songs and all of these songs were released on Almost Insane?!.
Of course, I didn't talk to him in real life, maybe when I think about it, it makes me seem even odder than I thought it would be. Making up conversations with a celebrity out of reach for me. But it surprisingly helped, I got the tattoo as a sign for me to never forget what helped me through all of my shit, I dealt with.
And now I think about it again. He helped me so much, how could I do this to the one and only person that never let me down in my whole life? No, I cannot leave it like this. It is my turn to give back to him, what he gave to me. I wanted this for so long and now I finally had it, I can't let him slip through my fingers, just because my insecurities didn't let me tell him. He was a big part of my life, before I even personally knew him, but now he IS my life! I'm nothing without him, literally.
So, my final decision is clear. I will fight for him with all I have!
Ryan's POV:
After my shower I surprisingly feel a bit better. In all honesty I might be glad that Spencer came by. Otherwise I would have probably lied in my own dirt until we left for tour, which is pretty soon. The album is gonna be released on Friday, today is Tuesday and as far as I'm concerned we leave two weeks after. The first show will of course be here in LA, but after that we directly do our world tour.
When I leave the bathroom to change into some sweatpants and an old t-shirt, I see Spencer already finished his job. My bedroom actually looks really clean, my bed is made with new sheets, the ashtray is empty and I think he even vacuumed. Wow, I'm impressed, Spence surely would have made a good maid, if he wasn't an incredible drummer.
"Hey, Spin, my room looks amazing, thanks." I say to him, since I recognized being bitchy to him isn't helping me either. "No, prob, man. It was about time. I also threw your cigarettes away." He says smirking. "You did not." I say sternly, I became strangely addicted to these sticks in the past weeks. "No, I did not, you're old enough, but you should really stop." I sigh." Yea, I know." I feel bad for putting him through my shit. Honestly.
"Sooo..." Spence starts while handing me my Pizza, plain pepperoni, he really knows me. "Brendon..." he goes on. My facial expression goes from love for my best friend to blank hate for my ex-boyfriend. I really managed to not think about him while talking to Spin. But just at the mentioning of his name my heart begins to ache again.
"What about him?" I try to sound casual, but I definitely not achieve that, too early. Spencer knows though that I never liked to talk about feelings, with nobody.
"Well, what can I say, he is an ass. What he did to you was honestly the most horrible thing and I'm not trying to defend him, but..." But? How is there a but possible? And what does not trying to defend him mean? I thought out of all people, Spencer would be on my side. Before I can answer though, I see him taking a little folded piece of paper out of his jeans pocket. What is that it looks familiar?
Spin seems to recognize my confused expression, since he starts to explain. "You lost this when you where running out, after you saw the post. Of course, I picked it up and after reading it, it was pretty obvious what it was honestly." I look at him confused, but then it hits me. It's the song.
"Look, Ryan, after all you're my best friend and I know you since we were five, so I'd like to say I know you pretty well. And that song means something. See, I know you always liked to express your feelings through your lyrics, but I also know that you never in your whole life wanted to write a love song. Yea, you did write some songs about Dan, but those were breakup songs." He explains, I can't look at him, it's too embarrassing. Maybe I was willing to show him the song, when Brendon and I were still together, but now it's just a memorial of the bad that happened.
It's not that I wasn't proud of the song, but let's say it like this it didn't make the album in the end. We just decided to have one song less than planned and I had to pretend I lost it, because I didn't want to tell everyone what happened. By now I'm pretty sure they found out somehow, but nobody is actually talking to me about it, thankfully.
"Anyways," Spencer continues. "So, you also know me and the last thing I want is to let your heart be broken again, but writing something like this, is not usual for you. So, maybe Brendon was something special, even more than you thought." I look at him incredulously. Is he suggesting I should take Brendon back? I can't believe this. The only person who is supposed to be on my side, isn't? "Spencer, are you really proposing what I think you are? Are you serious right now? You are my best friend, so you have to be on my side, not on his, on the enemies!" I tell him getting very angry. He looks at me hurt. "How could you possibly think I'm on his side? You are the most important person in my life and you know that. I would never not be on your side. All I'm trying to do is help you. Listen, I got to know Brendon very well and he made a mistake, in fact, an enormous one! But, I saw you when you where together with him. I haven't seen you this happy since... No, let me scratch that I haven't ever seen you this happy! All I want is what's best for you. And I'm not telling you to forgive and forget. It's gonna be a long and hard journey, until you might consider to even speak to him again. But, seriously, I'm just saying what I observed." He defends himself.
I don't know what to believe. So, he wants me to be with him again? I can't. This guy was my whole world and after I found out all came falling down. He hurt me in ways I never thought it was possible, like he actually not just put my heart but also my soul on fire. And Spence wants me to what? No, not now, not yet. I can't stand Spin right now though. He has to leave. But I'm too good of a person to kick him out. So, I give him one last hard look to make him understand that I don't agree with him and stamp to my neatly made, fresh-smelling bedroom.
As soon as I lock the door, I reach for my cigarettes to light one. It helps me in losing my angry attitude. Soon enough I'm calm again, that's when I hear the front door quietly closing. I can't believe how my whole world came crumbling down during the last two weeks. And if I don't stop, I'll soon enough have my best friend driven away from me as well.
And all because of him. Thanks, Brendon. He destroyed everything, he turned me into this heartless, horrible human. But I won't let him finish this job. He is out of my life now and will not find a way back. I will fight against this!
Woohoo, okay, let's see how it goes on. :)
Also, one thing: I decided for this fic to have exactly 30 chapters, means it's over soon! I'm done with the plot and I'm not a big fan of always thinking of new events to happen. So, I rather finish on one note, y'know? Okay, stay tuned for the last four chapter! Love yaa <3