Your POV:
I can't help but feel how the heat rushes to my cheeks as our gazes meet, one of his eyelids pressing down into a wink.
Before my heart had the chance to start pounding faster, I turn back to the girl in front of me. My eyes landing on my half empty cup filled with the bitter liquid which I can't stand at all but well... what is a party full of celebrities without alcohol?
Am I one of them? No. Not yet, at least. I don't know if I'll ever be but who knows what future has in store for me. How I got here? Long story short.
Being an actress has always been my dream job, therefore I went to an acting school for two years until some months ago I finally got to have a side role in a new teen romance movie that is soon to come out.
Guess who had one of the main roles? Yep. Shawn. Who has now been one of my really good friends for almost a year. We get along perfectly and it's fun to spend time with him.
After you realize that celebrities are just normal people too, it's way less scary to be around them but still, I'm not really fond of being at this party. I mean, I'm just the friend of a singer. I'm still not an actress or somewhat famous.
„What are you thinking about, sweetie?" I hear her quirky voice ask, causing my attention to snap back to her. „Huh? Me? Uh..." I mumble, being caught off guard for a few moments. The smile she wears on her petite face, grows into a sly smirk and her eyes avert to the boy some feet behind us.
„He likes you a lot, you know." Camila tells me, nudging my arm softly but I only shrug while circling around the red solo cup. I have to admit that I already noticed but... it's complicated. „I've never seen him doubting himself as much as these past months." She adds and I lift a brow.
„He doubts himself? About what?" I question, curiously. Camila smiles shaking her head as her eyes meet mine. "About what dress shirt or T-shirt he should wear because he is not sure what you like better, about how he should do his hair, about how often he should text you without seeming obsessive... stuff like that." She replies, making me bite my lip.
„Oh." I breath out, having no clue why he would stress about that so much. Because like, I'm just me. Nothing special. "Oh? That's it?" She chuckles. „I would faint if someone cared about me, the way Shawn cares about you. For months now, may I add."
„Yeah, it's really nice. No wonder he is such a good friend." I cough to cover up my awkward respond after taking a sip of the horrible drink in my hand. God, how can people like tequila? Camila only gives me an ‚are you serious?' look.
„You know how he feels about you." She points out while refreshing her dark red lipstick, admiring herself in a little mirror she had in her handbag.
„What? No, no... he never said anything specific. We are good friends." I argue but shivers run down my spine as I see this knowing smirk on her lips again, her sight fixed behind me.
I don't even dare to turn around as she murmurs a 'good luck' into my ear, disappearing with my cup.
Before I could beg her to stay, I feel a warm hand cup my shoulder. The scent of his parfum and his touch... I would recognize it everywhere.
The soft 'hey' he greets me with, only confirms my assumption. The corners of my mouth turn up as he steps in front of me with this contagious smile of his.
„Hey, Shawn. What takes you to me? Are you drunk and need someone to bring you home?" I snicker since he still hasn't done anything but smile brightly. His teeth press down on his lower lip as he leans his arm on the railing of the balcony next to us.
„No, I swear I'm as sober as ever." Shawn defends, running his large fingers through his thick curls. "I just noticed that you are kinda uncomfortable, therefore I'm gonna take you with me now." He adds confidently and without another word he slips his hand into mine, pulling me after him gently.
„Was it so obvious?" I question, slightly embarrassed but Shawn only lets out a laugh as he turns his head to look at me. "Only a bit." He mocks as we wander down the hall of the huge house of a friend of his.
„Why though? Has someone been rude to you?" Shawn asks, giving my hand a little squeeze which makes me realize that I'm still holding onto his. Not wanting to give him false signals, I quickly pull it away and cross my arms in front of my chest.
In the corner or my eyes, I could see that he is a bit surprised by my sudden action but luckily he shrugs it off.
„Not at all. It's... a bit complicated and personal. Nothing to worry about though." I smile lightly to assured him but he just raises his eyebrow.
„I noticed that something has been bothering you for a longer while now. You can tell me, you know that. I won't judge." Shawn informs and I nod, thankfully but decline anyways. If it was so easy...
How can I tell him that it's my insecurities who make me doubt everything about me everyday, without sounding like these girls who look like goddesses but still claim that they are ugly just because they want attention?
How should I tell him that I have days where I don't even dare to look into the mirror because I don't want to have even more reasons to hate myself, without whining?
And how should I tell Shawn that it's people like him, such talented and seemingly perfect persons, who make me feel so out of place here?
I don't belong into this world but I don't want to seem unthankful for the roles I'm allowed to have in the future.
It's just that... I feel like an alien between all those gorgeous people. Sighing, I shake my head as I notice that I'm starting to sink into my everyday thoughts again. "I can ask someone to get you one, if you want."
„Huh? Sorry, what did you say?" I question, puzzled because I didn't hear him talking. Chuckling lightly he points in front of him, causing me to see that we stopped in front of a whirlpool in the middle of a room with one side of the wall being completely out of huge windows, giving a beautiful view over Toronto.
"I asked if you have a bikini with you or if I should get you one. I thought we could chill in there for a while." Shawn smiles, slowly starting to take off his jacket but I only return the smile nervously.
„Oh... I do have one on already but-." I stop in the middle of my sentence to think of an excuse other than the fact that I'm not confident enough to stand in front of him with only a bikini on. I'm far from looking like the models he sees almost everyday...
What if he is disgusted once he gets a look under these clothes? "But?" He asks, biting the corner of his lower lip in anticipation. Gripping my arms, I try to contain the nervousness that breaks out in me as he steps a bit nearer, still awaiting my answer.
Before I could give him one, he smiles at me sweetly while reaching to grasp my jacket to take it off aswell but instantly I back away.
I can't tell him that I worry about how I look so much... too much. I don't want to sound like these whining girls, who only say that they are ugly so they get to hear the opposite. "I just don't wanna get wet right now." I state, a light laugh escaping me and suddenly Shawn's eyes widen a bit.
Confused, I tilt my head as he makes an 'oh' sound. "Now I get it. You mean you can't because of... well, girl problems. Right?" For a few seconds, I have absolutely no clue what he is referring to but as I realize what he means I have to laugh at his adoringly concerned face.
"Girl problems?" I giggle while his cheeks become a slight shade of pink. "T-that's what my sister always says, so I figured..." The stuttering only makes it even more adorable.
As soon as I calmed down again, I shake my head. "No, it's not because of girl problems. I only-." I reply but right after these words left my lips I could slap myself. That was a good excuse! God, I'm so dumb...
„What is it then? What makes you so uncomfortable when we are alone?" Shawn questions, again taking some steps closer. So now he's standing in front of me, only one arm length away. "Uh.. I'm not."
„Yes, you are. Everytime I attempt to hold your hand you don't let me or whenever I'm sitting near you, you scoot further away. Is it me?" He asks, making me look up with a deep sigh.
"What do you mean?" I mumble, playing dumb because I'm too embarrassed to admit what I'm afraid of.
„You know exactly what I mean. I've tried to get you to like me since the first day your ran into me on set and spilled your hot chocolate onto my jeans." Shawn tells me, a sly grin on his lips because of the memory before he turns serious again.
„But I do like you. That's why you are one of my best friends." I choke out, feeling like there's a big lump in my throat. God... I'm horrible at that.
A dry chuckle erupts from his chest as he steps back while messing up his hair with tugging on it even more. No doubt that it looks good though.
„For so long I've tried to avoid that sentence." He mutters in a whisper while I watch him, fighting myself to just say it. I like you too. Is it that hard? "So, that means it's about me. Y/n, if I was to clingy or something you should have told me.
I didn't want to get too near, without you wanting it. I'm sorry. I guess, I should go now." He quickly rambles and before I know it, he is about to close the door behind him but I call out his name.
He stops in his tracks but doesn't move until I speak up. "Wait, it's not like... it's not like I don't like you. I really do..." I start, chewing my bottom lip as he stands there. Arms crossed, leaning against the doorframe.
Moments we just stare at each other, his eyebrows furrowing as he seems to think what to say next. "Then what's so scary for you that you won't give me a chance?" Shawn questions, his intense stare on me while he walks closer once more.
Letting out a shaky breath, I automatically look down on myself before I turn my head to the pictures on the wall. "This." I whisper, my fists continually closing and opening. My palms becoming slightly sweaty.
„What is this?" Shawn whispers back as he now is in front of me, his hand carefully tugging a strand of hair behind my ear.
„Damn it, Shawn. Can't you guess it?" I ask, a bit irritated due my own frustration but he only stays silent.
„Come on, just look at me. I'm insecure about myself, okey? I'm nothing compared to all these beautiful girls you see every single day.
I hate how I look when I laugh, I hate how my thighs are like way too big for the rest of my body, I hate how my lips are so small and my nose... I just hate my body... myself." I snap, not intending to but I don't know how else he would believe me that it's not about him.
„That's what's holding me back because whenever I feel good in your presence, I remember what kind of girls you normally hang out with. It makes me even more insecure and to be honest, also jealous.
Therefore I don't let you touch me or not even hold my hand. It's just so deeply burned into my mind that I don't belong here." I explain, closing my eyes for a moment to stop the tears which threaten to fall.
„And before you say it, I know. I could do something about it. I could just eat less and work out more. I never say anything because I don't want to complain about something that is only my fault.
I can't change my smile but at least I could do more to have a body I like." I add, opening my eyes again to see him still standing there, gazing at the floor.
I start to blush uncontrollably as I realize what I just told him. I feel so exposed... and not better at all. F*ck how can someone be so embarrassing? "Happy now?" I ask sniffling, intending to get a reaction out of him but he doesn't do me the favor.
In this moment I wished nothing more than to fall into a deep hole in the ground. Away from the embarrassing things I just said.
Hastily, my gaze falls onto the half open door while he remains quiet, making me more uncomfortable by the second. I can't be here anymore. He knows my deepest thoughts and my greatest fear. I hate it...
Before I could step past him, I feel him grab my arm gently but firmly. Forcing me to follow him wherever he wants to take me. "Shawn, please. I just want to leave." I beg, stumbling after him as we enter another empty room which he closes as soon as we both entered.
Still not saying anything, he walks against me from the back. Causing me to walk with him, until we stop in front of a mirror. "Shawn." I sigh, trying to turn around but he won't let me.
"Shh. Don't worry. I'm not gonna start with the 'what do you see when you look into the mirror' thing. I'm just gonna tell you what I see." He whispers into my ear, his lips brushing against my skin for a split second. "Please just-"
„I see..." He breaths, biting the inner side of his cheek, staring at me through the reflecting glass, way too long for my liking.
"I see the most kind hearted and badass girl I've ever met. I thought she knew that. She always seemed confident about what she was doing.
I watched her get into her role with such a passion, not wanting to get one single emotion wrong even though she wasn't even a main character.
She does that because she loves acting. She's so smart and talented. I never thought that she would have doubts about the most obvious thing.... her beauty." Shawn tells me softly and turns me around, his hands cupping both of my arms.
Our eyesights meet and something doesn't let me look away, like I would be keen to right now. "You wanna know what I think?" Shawn asks but I say nothing. It's a rhetorical question anyways. He's gonna tell me if I want to or not.
"To me, you are beautiful.!. I'm not going to say you are the most beautiful girl in the world because your stubborn head wouldn't believe me. But you have to believe that I think you are gorgeous. Listen Y/n, I don't care that you don't look like everyone else here.
That's not a bad thing at all. I don't care if you have a little chubby stomach or if your thighs touch. You don't need the body of a model to be pretty. Also, I think your smile is adorable.
The way your nose scrunches up when you laugh truthfully, honestly warms my heart. I don't care if your lips are big or not and I don't care if your nose isn't tiny. Why would all these things make you less beautiful?
You don't even see how much of an amazing person you are. You only see what's on the outside and just for the record, that's not ugly at all. You have it all. The looks, the kind heart, the awesome humor. To me, you are all I look for in a person.
So don't you ever dare to say that you hate yourself ever again. From now on, I'll set it as my task to make sure you know how precious you are." Shawm whispers, his thumb tracing the corner of my mouth.
My heart almost jumping out of my chest as I cannot help but smile weakly. „Trust me, I'm going to make you feel wanted every single
day."
.............................................................................
•
•
•
It was better in my head but it took me a while so here you go:) / Also little reminder : Keep the people who take you for who you are close to you. No one is perfect and that's completely okey. Don't be so hard on yourself and smile, it suits you! ;)