Fall was starting to show. The leaves had started to change colors and the cold wind started to pick up. I held my grey coat tighter as my cheeks were flushed from the cold morning air. The school's parking lot was already on sight as my feet continued to move on their own. Nervously, I hitched my backpack. I'd worked on my English essay all Sunday long. Today was the deadline.
I wrote it thinking about everything I'd learned over the weekend.
I shared my side of the story. How I'd felt and what I had done. I also talked about all my regrets and how I now knew that it had affected my father.
My feelings had poured down in a couple of sheet papers.
I reached the parking lot and a small smile drew on my face as I saw Nate rubbing his hands waiting for me on the front stairs. He had a grey beanie, white t-shirt and a dark denim jacket on top. His eyes lightened up as I approached him. We hadn't met yesterday since he'd given me time to finish the essay. We had talked on the phone endlessly at night. And I really wanted to see him.
"Hey," I shyly greeted him.
His lopsided smile appeared, "Hi. Ready to hand over the essay?" he asked as he grabbed my hand in his. Butterflies erupted in my stomach as I nodded.
Before we walked in school, he passed his arms around me and kissed me softly. "It will be all right."
"I know," I pecked him one more time before we walked through the hallways.
A lot of people did a double take as we passed.
Nate's hold tightened as we passed by the jocks and I tried not to look but from the corner of my eyes I saw Sean nudge Tom. I didn't care what anyone thought about me or Nathan. Especially Tom.
Farah was waiting for me at my locker. We'd had a long conversation over the phone. She had squealed and screamed like a little girl before. Still, her blue eyes sparkled mischievously as we reached her. "Well, well, well," she teased me. Glaring at her for a moment, I opened my locker to change my books. "You better take care of her, Rivers." She added in her most serious tone pointing at Nate.
That made me grin. It was kind of cute how she'd wanted to be the protective best-friend.
Nate's lips twitched as he tried to suppress a smile. "I intend to, blondie." He sounded confident but I could still see wariness in his eyes. My stomach churned.
Come on Nate. Have more faith in the both of us.
"Hey! Watch out Rivers! Only I can call her blondie!" Chris chirped out from behind.
Farah rolled her eyes, "No one calls me blondie! I'm Farah, dumbass!"
"Yeah, but I'm your dumbass." Chris smirked at his girlfriend.
Nate shook his head, "Come on, let's get moving before this turns out into an R-rated scene."
I chuckled as he held my hand. "We heard that!" Chris yelled as we were walking away.
"They're great." I murmured absentmindedly as we reached our Math class.
Nate shrugged nonchalantly. He plopped on his desk. "What are you doing tonight?"
I turned on my seat to look at him, "I've got therapy." Hesitantly, I added, "Are you going?"
He snorted. "It's kind of fucked up that we both have therapy, isn't it?"
"Great minds think alike," I stated smugly.
"Meaning that we're both fucked up." He stressed out completely amused.
I shrugged, "So?"
His grey eyes gazed at me for a moment. "I'm going. But you'll have to wait for me studying Math; because let's be honest, you're this close" he pinched his fingers together, "to fail. And it's our only class together, so you can't fail."
I blushed, "I'd been too absorbed in other things."
His eyes narrowed. He leaned closer to me as my heart started to race. "What other things?"
"None of your business, Rivers." I brushed him off. I turned to the front suppressing a smile. The teacher walked inside and started the class. Before I started to copy everything, Anne waved at me while shaking her head. My cheeks flushed as I started to scribble away.
Nate was right. I had no clue what we'd been learning over the last two weeks. In my defense, it had been his fault. As Math finished, I had a major headache.
Why on earth was I considered for advanced Math in the first place?
I had no idea what the teacher had tried to explain. Brooding, I walked out with a frown etched on my forehead.
"Easy, huh?" Nate mocked me as we walked through the hallway. I glared at him. He smiled in response, "I'll walk you through it tonight, ok?"
"Yeah," I sulked.
He stopped to kiss me lightly on the lips. "I'll see you at lunch, right?"
"Obviously" I said in my duh tone of voice. He chuckled and walked away.
English was a hassle since everyone started to talk about their summer and all. You could hear the classroom's chat from hallway.
Farah was waiting for me at the door beaming. "This is so awesome! We can double date!" she hitched her glasses up her nose, "and maybe we could work something out between Jay and Anne. They'd make a cute couple, too!"
I rolled my eyes. "You know, I used the cupid term sarcastically."
Her blue eyes sparkled excitedly, "just think about it! It would be so much fun!"
We dropped our schoolbags on our desks. "I think you shouldn't push it, Farah."
Pouting, she shook her head, "you're no fun."
Smiling, I glanced around the classroom. My eyes stopped at Marissa, who was looking at us with resentment. When our eyes locked, she looked away.
What if she was going through something hard as well? I never thought of her as someone with low self-esteem. However, when people looked down at others meant that they didn't think highly on themselves. I didn't know her. Not even after all the time we shared. Just as she didn't know me either. We were both guilty of being indifferent towards one another.
"What?" Farah blurted out. "Is the queen bitch at it again?"
"No." I turned away. "I think there's more to her than what we think."
Farah eyed me incredulously. "I'm hoping that you won't try to befriend her." She said in a sort of warning.
"What if she's going through something Farah? Have you noticed how she isn't happy?" Farah's brows furrowed. "I was here, remember?"
"I don't think you ever bullied someone, Cass."
Tilting my head, I scrunched my nose. "Okay. I wasn't exactly her. But still, Farah. Maybe she needs a true friend."
She grimaced. "You are too nice, Cassie."
"I learned from this overly-persistent girl. Although she was quite annoying." Farah rolled her eyes but a proud smile played on her face.
Mrs. Clearwater hushed everyone down. She started her class and told us to give her the paper before the class finished. A few classmates looked relieved and started to scribble like crazies on their papers.
The rest of the class was pretty uneventful. When it was time to hand my paper, I walked nervously to her desk. I'd waited for everyone else to handle theirs. My stomach clenched as I approached the old lady. Biting my lip nervously, I placed the sheet of paper on top of the pile. Mrs. Clearwater smiled at me. As she grabbed the papers to put them away, she tilted her head, "Is everything all right, Miss Taylor?"
I swallowed hard, "yeah," a faint smile drew on my lips, "it's just that I poured my heart out on that essay."
Little creases formed around her brown eyes as she smiled, "I'm glad that at least one of my students took the essay seriously. I'll make sure to read yours first, all right?"
That didn't make me feel any better, though. "Thank you," I voiced completely unconvinced before leaving the room.
Farah was waiting for me in the hallway. When she heard me, her head looked up. She smiled reassuringly at me. My heart warmed. I was lucky to have such an amazing friend as her. It made me realize how lucky I was.
Lunch time rolled in. Farah and I walked to our usual spot under the tree. It wouldn't last much, since the leaves had started to fall and cold air nipped our skin. Jay and Anne had arrived early. They were both engrossed talking animatedly about movies. Apparently, they were both horror movies geeks. Farah sent me a knowing look and I rolled my eyes at her.
"Asian movies kick-ass on the horror genre" Jay stated as he opened his bag of chips.
"Yeah but Hollywood effects are much better" Anne raised an eyebrow.
Jay dismissed her, "you don't know what you're talking about."
Farah's smile widened as she opened her salad's plastic lid. I nudged her to keep quiet as those two kept arguing. "They do have a lot in common," She whispered to me before popping a grape tomato in her mouth.
"Farah, stop it." I admonished as she glared at me.
"What's going on?" Nate asked as he took a seat next to me. He frowned when he glanced at my lunch. An apple and a granola bar. "Is that what you're eating for lunch?" he asked skeptically. I shrugged. "Come on," he grabbed my hand and pulled me to stand up. "Let's get something to eat. I'm starving."
"When aren't you?"
He smiled, "and you're having more than a fracking granola bar." We walked to the cafeteria where he got a cheese burger for him and a sandwich for me. He didn't let me pay.
"How did it go?" he was talking about the essay.
"Mrs. Clearwater is going to read it later," I trailed absentmindedly as we walked back to our friends. I smiled at Farah who was more interested in watching Anne and Jay than actually paying attention to her boyfriend.
"What's so funny?" Nate asked as we both sat on the grass.
I gestured towards Farah. "She's got it in her head that Jay and Anna could be a couple."
Nate chuckled and shook his head. He forced me to eat my sandwich as he finished his burger. Everyone started to talk about horror movies. I wasn't a big fan of the genre, so I stayed quiet most of the time. Especially when Nathan pulled me closer to him, placing me in front of him so he could pass both arms around me as he leaned on my shoulder.
I'd been in cloud nine.
As school finished, I started to text Dad telling him that Nate was driving me over to Amanda's. We'd agreed to meet on the parking lot. Suddenly, I crashed into someone. "Sorry!" I looked up to find Tom glaring at me.
"You are dating Rivers."
I stared back at him. "So?"
He took a step closer. "I thought you didn't date." His tone was bilious.
"I think that's not of your business, Tom." His eyes narrowed as I walked away from him. My heart was racing as I stepped down the stairs. I took a deep breath as I hurried to reach Nathan's truck. I didn't like the way Tom had looked or talked at me. However, it didn't seem important. I was pretty sure that he was just acting out like the immature prick he'd always been.
Nonetheless, I thought about Marissa. She was really into him and despite it all, she didn't deserve to be with someone as him.
Reaching Nathan's car, I breathed out relieved. "Hey," he looked at me quizzically.
"Are you seriously going to make me do math?" I asked sulking.
"Definitely." He opened the door for me.
I narrowed my eyes at him, "There's got to be some way to make you pay, Rivers." I deadpanned as he closed his door.
A lopsided smile drew on his lips, "You know what? You've got to stop calling me Rivers. It doesn't show the love," he trailed as we passed the school's gates.
I chuckled, "let's see. I could always call you muffin-top." I smiled sweetly at him as he laughed.
"Tsk. You are going to be my cupcake then," his voice tone was amused, "or cuddle cakes or smooch." I burst out laughing. "I think I like girlfriend, though." He added as an after-though. My laugh subsided as my heart fluttered. "What do you think?"
I glanced at the street with a wide smile on my face, "I think that's the best one, muffin-top."
He laughed. "Yeah," he grabbed my hand, "me too."
He parked his car in front of Amanda's office. Pulling out his Math notebook, he started to scribble some things on the last page. "They're easy." He shook his head as he handed me the notebook. I looked at the equations and grimaced. "Come on, smooch, they're not that hard!"
"You can't call me that!" I glared at him as he opened the door for me.
His lips tugged up, completely amused. "I'll keep that in mind, girlfriend," he cupped my chin and kissed me for a moment. My smile was evident as we pulled apart. "That means that I have every right over you." He raised an eyebrow. My heart flipped.
"Are you turning out to be a possessive boyfriend?" I raised an eyebrow mockingly.
"Definitely." My heart skipped a beat. His grey eyes darkened as his lips parted. He leaned closer and kissed me again. His eyes were intense before he breathed out. "Come on, you've got some Math to do."
Pouting, I stepped out of the car and walked to the nearest wooden table. Nate took out the notebook and a pencil as I looked around the park. I loved how different colors displayed on the trees as well as the plants. I studied the different shades, trying to memorize them in my mind for a new drawing later.
"What are you doing?" he frowned.
Shyly, I smiled. "I'm trying to study different color tones. For a drawing."
Nate studied me for a moment, "Would you show them to me?"
Averting my eyes, I looked to the side, where a girl was playing with her puppy. "Maybe." He stayed quiet but placed his hand over mine. His thumb started to draw circles on the back of my palm. "You should go, Nate."
He sighed somewhat annoyed, "Yeah." Pecking me on the lips, he grinned. "I'll see you in a bit, all right?" I nodded.
Time passed while I worked on the math equations he'd left me. I had to really concentrate on the fracking things. As Nate had said, I didn't want to fail. But it was hard.
I couldn't stop thinking about him. How he made me feel and how I couldn't stop smiling whenever I was with him.
My thoughts drifted to Mom. How I would have liked her to know him.
She would have probably already showed him my baby's naked pictures or told him about the time I drew on the floor with her makeup. My heart sank. I missed her. So much.
I would have thought that with time I'd stop feeling the emptiness she left. But I hadn't happened yet. With each passing day, I missed her more. However, Nate made me feel better.
So much better.
Thinking about Mom made me think about his mother. If he was in so much pain, I could only imagine her own pain. I'd heard that losing a child is the worst thing a parent could go through.
My stomach plummeted to the ground thinking about Dad. If I had the chance to go back time, I'd do anything to be a better daughter. A better person.
Nate walked through the glass paneled doors and gestured for me to join him. With that permanent grin that seemed etched in my face, I took the notebook and walked to him. "It's your turn," he voiced in a dark voice. I gave him the things I'd had on my hands and climbed the stairs to Amanda's office.
She was waiting for me at the entrance. Her brown hair was down and framing her face. She had a pink washed t-shirt and jeans. Her hazel eyes sparkled excitedly as I greeted her. She gestured for me to take a sit.
"You and Nathan, huh?" she raised an eyebrow after taking a seat. I shrugged shyly. She grinned and shook her head, "How do you feel about that?"
"Great."
She chuckled, "I bet you do!"
Taking out a sheet of paper of my backpack, I handed it to her. "I finished the English essay."
Nodding, she took it. "Do you mind if I read it now?" I shrugged a bit self-conscious. She was my therapist, after all. "Great!"
As she read it, I stood up and glanced through the large window. I could see Nate going through the notebook. Probably checking my answers. He was such a geek!
"Cassie?" Amanda voiced from behind. I turned to her and took a seat on my blue couch. "I think you're being too hard on yourself, honey." She folded the paper sheet and gave it back to me, "I think you should write a letter to your mother. You need to forgive yourself as well as her. I think it could help you. You don't have to show it to anyone, you could write it; even burn it. I'm sure it would be beneficial for you."
I thought about it for a moment. "I'm not sure that I want to move on," I murmured as I fidgeted with my hands.
Amanda sighed. "You need to. I'm sure that your mom would want you to."
My eyes snapped to hers, "Has my father moved on?" He probably had. As soon as that thought popped in my head, I felt guilt wash over me.
Her lips formed a tight line. "What do you think?"
"I don't think so. I think he's trying to."
She nodded, "I think so too. But I'm sure that you need to love yourself in order to love someone else." She was talking about Nathan.
"I think I'm falling in love with him," I scrunched my nose embarrassed.
"I'm pretty sure that you're already in love with him, honey!" She chuckled, "but if you want things to work out, you need to give yourself some credit and forgive yourself."
I sighed, "Nate has doubts, you know? Like he has this idea in his head that he'll end up hurting me."
"I know." She didn't elaborate and I guessed it was because it wouldn't be ethical or something like that. "But he's working on it. Like you." She looked at the clock, "just promise me that you'll think about it, ok?" she paused for a moment before adding, "I'm going to be away for the next two weeks, but I'll be checking my email all the time. If you need anything, just let me know, ok?"
Nodding, I glanced at her, "Ok."
"Have some fun, Cassie!"
I chuckled, "I'm drawing again," I drawled shyly.
"That's awesome! That means that you're letting yourself enjoy something!" I looked at her surprised.
She was right.
I'd stopped drawing because it felt wrong to do something that I loved so much after everything that had happened with Mom. But as of lately, I'd had the urge to grab a pencil and start drawing.
A ray of hope burst within me. I knew very well that the boy outside had a lot to do with it.
We finished the appointment and I stepped out of her office thinking about what she'd told me. Writing a letter to Mom sounded liberating but I wasn't sure that I wanted that. At least, not yet.
"How did I do?" I sat next to Nathan. He cringed. "That bad, huh?"
"Let's just say that you need to practice more," he smiled reassuringly as I frowned. We put everything away.
As we were walking back to the car, Nate cleared his throat. "Cassie, do you have plans for Saturday?" I shook my head. "Good," he rolled on his toes as he placed his hands in the front pockets of his jeans, "Would you go out with me?"
My heart melted. "I thought we'd established the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing," I murmured shyly.
"Yeah," his grey eyes sparkled excitedly, "but I hadn't asked you out" he glanced briefly to the right side, "officially."
I chuckled nervously, "I'd love to." Butterflies in my stomach fluttered around like crazy.
"Awesome" his lips tugged up on a boyish smile and my heart soared for him. I was grinning back as he grabbed my hand.
The ride home was silent. But it was a comfortable silence. We held hands the whole ride. I loved the fact that we didn't need to force out conversation. And just the hold of our hands was sweet and reassuring.
When we reached home, Dad's car was on the garage. I didn't want to let Nate go, though. Biting my lip for a moment, I glanced at him, "Do you want to hang out or something?"
His grey eyes bored into mine, "Sure." He hopped off the car to open my door. A small smile played in my lips as the door gave in. I slid off the seat at the same time Nate took a step closer. We were really close. My eyes roamed all over his face as my lips parted. My heart was beating a mile a minute as he leaned closer and we kissed.
It was such a magical moment.
I could totally loose myself in his arms. He made me feel warm, safe and so cherished. I'd never felt like that for anyone. What had I done to deserve someone like him?
He smiled that lopsided smile of his and grabbed my hand. Tingly and still lost in him, I walked beside him until we reached the door. Before I took out my keys, Dad opened the door.
"Hey you guys!" His eyes gazed at us warmly, "are you staying for dinner, Nathan?" they shook hands as Dad let us through.
"If you don't mind, Sr."
Dad dismissed him, "I was going to order pizza, anyway." Marie peeked from the living room with a shy smile on her face. She was looking casual with black pants and an olive shirt. "This is my girlfriend, Marie." She reached us and kissed me on the cheek. "Nathan is Cassie's boyfriend."
"Nice to meet you, Ma'am." Nate reached out his hand and she dismissed him and kissed him on the cheek as well.
To be honest, it was an awkward moment for me. My stomach still clenched at the word, girlfriend. Nate must have noticed because he placed his hand on my back. That sole gesture made me feel better. I glanced at him as his lips tugged up.
"Does the special Joe's sound good to you?" Dad asked while holding the phone in his hands. We both nodded.
"I'll help you place the table!" Marie chirped in before disappearing out of sight.
I glanced at Nathan, "Should we put on some music?" He nodded. To be honest, I kind of wanted to go to my room. I so wanted to kiss him again.
He stared at my parent's large CD collection on the living room. We had half a wall bursting with CDs ranging from the Beatles to Coldplay. Mom and technology didn't get along. We had unsuccessfully tried to get rid of all the CD's. But Mom wouldn't have it. My heart tightened. She loved music. She played it all the time. I don't think the stereo had been used after she passed away. Dad didn't mind about music and I usually heard it on my phone.
"It's so hard to pick anything," Nate trailed as his fingers roamed on the third row.
"My mom loved music," I murmured softly "this was her CD collection."
Nate's grey eyes snapped to me, "she had good taste."
I pressed my lips together as a chord was pulled from within my heart. My eyes brimmed with tears as I wished her to be there. Teasing me and playing her music. I swallowed hard. That had been ages ago.
"Hey" Nate's arms encased me for a moment. I closed my eyes as I leaned on him.
Would I ever stop missing her? Probably not.
"I'm sorry" I pulled away.
"Don't." He cupped my cheek. His thumb rubbed the corner of my lips. "I'm here for you, okay?"
Nodding, I breathed out, "I know."
He smiled before raising an eyebrow, "How do we feel about jazzy covers?"
I blinked confused at him, "Do you like jazz?"
He pecked me on the lips, "Who doesn't?" He reached the stereo and inserted the CD. Music filled the room. I blinked the tears again.
Life had to move on, didn't it?
We could hear her music and a small part of me felt connected to her in some way. As if I did some of the things she liked to do, I could have her near me.
Nate's arms encased me one more time as we sat on the couch. "What are you thinking, Cassie?"
"I just miss her," I whispered sadly as I cuddled into him.
He sighed. "I know, baby, I know."
We stayed like that for the rest of the song. I thought about Nate's mother again. "Nate," I knew I had no right to tell him anything but I just need to voice my thoughts. "I'd like to meet your mom one day." He tensed. Biting my lip, I pulled apart frowning. "Someday," I trailed shyly.
"We don't really get along." His eyes averted mine. I wondered what kind of life Nate had at home. As if he sensed this, he shifted in his seat uncomfortably, "My father travels all the time" he rolled his eyes annoyed. "And my mother," his tone voice dropped, "she's either away or asleep."
My heart sunk for him. He was so lonely. I swallowed hard. "You know? I would give anything to be able to talk to my mother again." Nate's eyes clouded over with pain as he frowned. "It works both ways, you know? I'm here for you, Nate." He gazed at me as I bit my lip. "And I'm sorry to intrude. It's just that I wish someone would have told me that." I shrugged, "It's useless now." He didn't say anything. He just held me tighter as we waited for the pizza to arrive.
Eventually, Dad and Marie came to the living room. She was extremely nice to Nathan. She kept asking him questions. I had to give it to her, she lightened up the mood.
The pizza arrived and we had dinner on the dining room. Dad engrossed Nate with baseball talk while Marie asked basic questions about the game.
I offered myself to wash the dishes since I hadn't helped out before. Nate offered to help me. He had the duty of drying while I washed.
"She's really nice," He trailed as he dried the salad bowl.
"She is." I soaped the forks. But she's not my mom. "She's really trying, isn't it?" I added as afterthought.
He nodded. "And your father seems happy."
I sighed, "I know."
Trying to change the subject, I teased him, "So, what should I wear for Saturday, Rivers?"
His eyes narrowed, "Didn't I tell you not to call me that?" He got some foam on his hand and spread it on my cheek as I yelped.
I smiled mischievously at him, "We haven't been on a date yet, so I get to call you whatever." I raised my eyebrow. Slowly, I pulled up my soaped hand and as I was about to threw it at him, he hit me lightly with the dishcloth.
"Ha! You've got to do better than that!" his eyes shone excitedly, "My fast reflections kick ass!" he exclaimed as he spread foam on my other cheek.
I glared at him as I took the dishcloth away from him, "Ha ha."
He laughed at me as I wiped the foam away. Taking the cloth off my hands, he leaned closer to me, "you missed a spot." His hand caressed my cheek as my mouth went dry. His eyes darkened for a moment before he kissed me softly.
"Clapping and yelling guys! Clapping and yelling!" Dad shouted from the living room, making me blush while Nate chuckled.
We finished the dishes and Nate had to leave since it was already late. Marie left at the same time. As we waved at them, Dad passed an arm on my shoulders pulling me to him.
"I love you, sweetie," he whispered softly.
"I love you too, Daddy." I glanced at him for a moment before watching my boyfriend's car drove away.
My boyfriend.
My lips tugged up on a small smile.