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"I wish my head could forget what my eyes have seen." – Dave Parnell
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Chapter 26|part 1
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Susie's hands were clasped together in front of her. Her eyes were set downcast, where I bet my heart would soon be after hearing what she had to say.
"My son, as you probably can tell, is a bit...cold," she began her words with a heartfelt sigh. That was an understatement, but I let her continue. "But, it seemed that this has worsened over the years, something the doctors had told me probably would occur."
I waited for her to continue, even though my heart was stuck in dark knots in anticipation.
I watched her swallow the invisible lump in her throat. "When Kade was a child, he went through so much more than anyone should. I think a part of him is still emotionally dead to all of it, honestly. I repeatedly had him tested for some type of social disorder, but the doctors all agreed on something much more complex."
"You see...Kade's home life was never a kind one, if I can even call it a life at all. I know that is my fault, and God knows I hate living with it every single day," her voice was clogged with rivers of tears and anguish.
It was as quiet as a mouse in the house, causing the temperature to tighten around us both. Suddenly, I regretted wearing this jacket. "I never meant for my marriage to turn the way it did. I never expected it to end with the death of my child, and a loss of the other one. But, I guess when you've been stuck in such a toxic life for so long, it's hard to escape."
"That was what my marriage was, though. Toxic. Beatings one minute, alcohol every other minute, and even more beatings right after that. That was what no child should experience, but Kade was the one who had to. And, that was about what killed him, his emotions, his future, and his soul. But, there's no one to blame except for myself."
I was sure she saw the confusion lingering in my expression at her sudden opening of her son's past.
Her fingers trailed around the rim of her glass, moving her gaze to it. "You see, Kimberly, the reason I am telling you this, is because I see something in you. I see something that could be good for Kade, something that might help him. I've hurt my son enough, so I feel as if this is the least I could do to make up for my mistakes," she explained my unasked question. "I just needed you to understand a small part of him before something occurred between you two that you couldn't understand."
"Kade was one of those kids to never depend on anyone, because he didn't have anyone to depend on. Back then, his brother was the only person that Kade would give anything and everything for, even himself if required."
When she said the name, I immediately thought back to the picture underneath her bed. Of the little boy who was too identical to Kade.
His little brother.
"Kade's father was a dark man, but every single day, I watched him grow worse. Not just because of the alcohol, but because Kade wasn't anything like him. He was sweet, he was good and caring...everything William wasn't." Her eyes glazed over with tears as she sighed. "But, that wasn't all. William fueled his disease with alcohol, women, drugs, and so much violence. That was the only cure to him. As I'm sure you already know, alcohol can do the worst to someone's family, and sadly it helped the downfall of ours."
Her expression shifted, and for a moment, just a moment, I thought I saw Kade in her. "Do you remember how I mentioned that Kade was very independent?"
I nodded.
"The teachers started taking notice of this, too. They managed to find the marks on Kade's arms and legs after Kade forgot about them, and raised his shirt sleeve. After, the authorities were soon called on William."
I held in a gasp. So, that was what Kade meant when he told me his father was rotting in a jail cell.
"His father was a very powerful man, so it wasn't too much of a shock when he was pulled right out of jail weeks later. The beatings lessened for me, but never for Kade. William never touched Kacen, but for why, I'm not at all sure. Every bit of his anger was aimed at Kade." Her face reddened at the same exact moment the sentence came to an end.
Her fingers swept through black strands, her skin now flustered as she released a heavy sigh. "I know that Kade holds so much anger, so much hurt. I wish I wasn't the one to cause my son all of this hatred he has for the world, truly."
She paused, her expression falling as she looked to the ground. "He has trouble with his emotions. Maintaining, stabilizing, understanding them. His father beat them out. I won't get into too many details, because I figure that certain parts aren't my story to tell. But, I just want you to remember that there is always a source of someone's anger. Sometimes you have to figure out whether or not you want to find it out, or just leave it altogether," she continued in a small tone.
My breath was sucked away at her words. Even small bits of Kade's story was hard to listen to, but it was even harder to pry my ears away from the things I was learning about him.
"Heaven knows I will never forget his face that day. That anger he held was unforgettable, and so is the past," she croaked quietly. "I'll never forget that day."
I leaned in closer to allow her to elaborate, but she didn't on that. All I could pertain it to was the day of Kacen's death, but I didn't want to force her to continue about that.
"As I'm sure you know, Kade and I have a massive hole in our relationship. You can even say he hates me. And, as badly as it hurts, I know I deserve it. I know I'm the reason he might end up as his father, even if he doesn't want to."
I raised my eyes from the seat I was in, to her quivering figure. I didn't know what it was but hearing her compare him to his father didn't sit right with me.
"You were scared your own self," I reassured her. "I'm sure most people would have done the same things you did to survive. I know Kade still holds so much anger, but maybe it will hit him just how much he truly needs his mother." I looked back down as my sentence came to an end. "It's all about time and communication." I could guess it'd been a few years, but obviously, there was no effective communication between the two.
I never even had a relationship with my own mother. Kade still had a chance was his. I could understand his anger for her, but at least she was still trying to fight for his love again. That was far more than most parents ever did.
I didn't expect what happened next.
Susie's expression softened as she pulled me into a hug. "Thank you, sweetheart."
My hands hung loosely in reaction, only due to the sudden motherly contact. I tried to think back to the last hug I received from the woman who had birthed me, then realized there was no way I could remember something that never happened.
My mother never hugged me.
I relished in the comforting smell of baked apples that I was so sure was her shampoo. It mixed in with another soft scent, one that was a sweet floral.
"Please, just please," she whispered in my ear. "Don't give up on Kade. Of course, you have the choice but just...follow your heart. If you want to leave, then you were free to do so. If you want to stay, then, be prepared." She caressed the small of my back as her softly spoken words reached my ears. Don't give up on Kade.
Finally, I lifted my arms to hug her back. Just as my hug locked in, it was halted by a clicking of the door.
I tore apart from her on instinct. Both of our heads snapped up to the door in shock. I watched as the person I had came here for in the first place, finally walked in.
Kade.