Lillian's POV
My forearm was still sore by four in the afternoon and my mouth had assigned itself to a state of perpetual dryness since I'd awoken. I wasn't sure what the deal was, only that I wished it would stop. If after what happened with Will made me this nervous somehow, we probably couldn't go back to being friends. As he pulled up our driveway, I supposed I was about to find out.
Will walked with a swagger when he got out of his truck, the same swagger that used to make me weak at the knees. He knew his way around the barn. He'd even lived in the space I now called my home. Used to.
He was the boy in the loft. The clichéd, beautiful ranch hand and as he grinned at me, I remembered why and how things had happened between us.
"Hey," Will greeted, stepping into the aisle of the barn in which I stood. The whole scene was way too familiar, transporting me to a time when my grandfather was still alive and I had my raging crush on Will.
I sighed. "Hey."
"Do you want to go for a ride?" Will asked, glancing around the barn.
"Sure," I said, too quickly, wiping my slick palms on my jeans. "Fraser's out in the backfield."
"Ah, testing my skills, are you?" Will mused, a twinkle in his eyes.
"Sure," I joked. "His tack is in the same place as before. Basically, nothing has changed since you left."
"Hm." Will surveyed me, resting a hand on his hip. "Are you sure?"
"Pretty sure," I said, eyebrows scrunched. "I'm going to grab Ophelia."
I wasn't sure what to make of Will's question and I didn't know what he meant. I wasn't sure I wanted to find out, either.
...
Once we set out on our ride, Ophelia was a solid, comforting presence beneath me. Steadying me. I didn't know what to say to Will. It was as if I'd reverted back to a sixteen-year-old version of myself who didn't know how to talk to boys.
It was both a strange relief and something that made my stomach churn when Will finally asked the question I knew had been brewing for a while.
"So, have you been seeing anyone recently?"
Derek immediately appeared in my mind, like he'd ever really left, following a recent theme. The Derek I'd come to realize I maybe didn't even want him off my mind. I didn't know anymore.
"I was," I managed, in a tone caught between bitterness and sorrow.
I still subconsciously waited for that call of explanation. Hell, even a text would've done at that point. I just couldn't comprehend how it all wasn't real. Him caring. Even with the wolf thing, I thought he would at least try to get me back. Over the time he'd been gone, I realized I'd wanted him to. The Derek I thought I'd known wouldn't have just given up. He would've tried. I wanted him to try.
I couldn't stop myself from considering where we could've been if he'd just pick up the phone and try.
I still couldn't bring myself to do the same. Maybe I couldn't swallow my own pride of going back on my word when I snarled "stay the hell away from me." I wasn't sure. I thought all the things and let myself hurt over it but never did anything. Maybe I was scared of what would happen after I took that step.
"Was it serious?" was Will's inquiry.
"Yeah," I huffed, unsure whether to let him continue the line of questioning.
"How long?"
"Since we broke up or how long we were dating?"
"Both."
"We were together almost four months, "I murmured."We broke up about a month ago," I added, focusing on Ophelia's hooves beneath me. A steady, reliable rhythm.
"That sucks," Will said, and I nodded absently, having been over how much it sucked too many times. "Who broke up with who?"
"I broke up with him," I said perhaps too quickly, Ophelia picking up a more brisk walk.
"Why?" Will tilted his head beside me, Frasier tossing his.
"Because," I started. "Because he lied to me and wouldn't be honest about stuff."
"Oh."
There was a long pause that lasted until we reached the fields of our property. Then Will piped up, "Wanna race?"
I scoffed. "Prepare to have your ass handed to you."
And we were gone.
...
Unsurprisingly, I won. Ophelia was built to be faster than Frasier, but even if that wasn't true, I trained Ophelia that when I said run, she ran. I love her for it. She probably could have been a racehorse in another life.
We untacked the horses quietly, Will sending smirks across the aisle that again reminded me that are used to like him. Reminded me of the looks that lead me up the loft stairs into his bed. I bit my lip and continued working, battling away the thought of losing my virginity.
As I put away O's saddle, I felt him come up behind me.
"Do you want a drink?" he asked, a warm gleam in those eyes.
I considered. One wouldn't hurt. It had been a rough week. "Sure."
I made quick work of locating beer I knew Will with like, and grabbing vodka and orange juice for myself. A screwdriver seemed apt. Things seemed pretty screwed up at the moment. Once we were upstairs in the loft, I settled in my desk chair; the bed was too unpredictable. Will cracked open his beer and sat on my mattress.
"So how have you really been?"
"Meh," I shrugged, pouring my drink. "Breakups suck."
"I know something that will help," Will flirted and I looked down.
"Drinking?"
"Among other things."
I frowned. "Just shut up and drink."
...
I should've known better. I didn't stop at one drink, and the night quickly plunged into a foggy haze. I knew what I was doing, but it felt like nothing mattered. So what if I sat next to him on my bed? So what if I took off my sweater? So what if I laid down? It was comfortable. So what if I let him hold my hand? Things with him felt easy. I needed easy.
I barely noticed anything had changed until Will was lying next to me, gazing. Then leaning. Then holding my face. Then he kissed me and I didn't even attempt to stop him.
It was so warm and familiar and something I missed and I found myself really into it. Letting him straddle my thighs and kiss me harder. The memories came swirling back in a thick cloud and I relished the feeling of hands on me. Warmth. Another person. I didn't stop him. I just let it happen. It felt good.
Before my addled brain could process it, we were on our way to nudity in my arm flashed with pain again, tearing me from the haze. I winced aloud, clutching my arm to my chest. "Ow!"
Will sat back, his tan chest rising and falling fast. "Are you okay?"
"My arm's just..." I stopped, taking in our lack of clothes. Shit. "It really hurts. It started last night." I sat up, fumbling for my shirt.
"Oh," Will said, letting me move.
"Yeah, I don't know what's wrong. It's been hurting a while," I admitted. "Maybe we should call it, though."
"Oh," he repeated, and I felt his disappointment seep into the air.
I shouldn't have let this happen. The realization sank into my gut like a stone. I screwed up. The warmth was gone. Will was not Derek, and this needed to stop.
Thankfully, he didn't say anything as he gathered his clothes.
Fuck, what had I done? My heart was hammering it in the worst way as a chill spread through me. I pulled on a hoodie, standing away from the bed, looking outside somewhat awkwardly. I didn't just hook up with people I didn't like. Sure, I had liked Will but not anymore.
I wasn't sure I was ready to admit who I might've loved.
Loved. That might have not even been true. The thought tore my heart in two.
I barely noticed Will kiss my cheek before leaving, driving away into the night. I slumped against the door frame of the loft door, looking out over the driveway and front fields.
What had I done?
A gross, sinking feeling made me drop like a rock into bed and I gritted my teeth as tears welled. I flicked off my lights. I couldn't stand to look at anything.
Hot tears slid down my nose as I rolled onto my side. Dammit. I hated tearful reactions over guys. It only solidified that they were important in my life. Maybe I really did love Derek.
Maybe I'd known it for longer than I'd been willing to admit. Now it was too late.
A/N: So hopefully this chapter won't throw you off reading this book, because I think a lot of you will really like the next chapter. I've been writing a lot recently.
Please let me know what you thought, or maybe what you want to see in future chapters! I love reading people's opinions, it's encouraging to know people read this book and like it. :D
Cheers,
- TAAF_