I woke up next to Xavier, my phone was ringing. I hesitated to grab it, what if it was my dad?
Glancing at the caller ID, I saw it was Will. I relaxed and answered it.
“Hey.” I said, yawning. My voice was a bit hoarse and I winced, knowing it was from the crying.
“Couldn’t sleep much, mind if I come over now?” he sounded exhausted.
“That’s fi-“ I started to say when Xavier groaned.
“Oh my god, Rain. Its 7 in the fucking morning, hang up the damn phone.” He groaned, throwing a pillow at me.
“What the hell is Xavier doing with you?” Will snapped.
“He-I…” I sighed, not wanting to talk about this over the phone. “Shit, I’ll explain when you get here.”
“Is he fucking sleeping in your room?” he asked, getting angry.
“Will, its not like that at all.” I replied. “Come over and I’ll explain.”
“Fine.” He snapped and hung up.
“Damn it.” I rubbed my eyes.
Xavier sat up. “Will figured out I’m in your room, didn’t he?”
“Yup.” I stood up. “I’m going out front to wait for him because I’m pretty sure this will involve yelling.”
“Sorry.” He said, sheepishly.
He went to his room and I went outside in sweatpants and a t shirt.
A few minutes later, the jeep came rolling up. Will got out, looking incredibly pissed and tired. His eyes softened a bit when he saw my red eyes and nose from crying.
“Please explain before I go punch him in the face.” Will said. He wasn’t yelling because I had been crying.
“The nightmares have been worse the past two nights. Friday night, I woke up screaming but I muffled it with my pillow. Xavier ran in, thinking my father was here but when he realized it was just a nightmare he comforted me and fell asleep. Last night, I woke up sobbing and I asked him to stay with me when he ran in.”
“Well fuck, I didn’t know they were that bad when you woke up.” He sighed. “But you should be calling me, not going to my little brother.”
“I’d feel weak.” I admitted. “Just calling you and waking you up so that I could sob into the phone. Besides, its not physical contact, it wouldn’t be the same.”
“I wonder if I could talk my mom into letting me stay over during the week and you and I go to my apartment on weekends.” He thought. “I got literally no sleep last night.”
“We can ask.” I nodded. “Can we go inside? Its freezing out here.”
We went inside and upstairs to my room to go to sleep.
Will held me close and I relaxed, I felt safe. I felt loved. He seemed to relax a bit as well.
“I love you.” I whispered.
“Love you too.” He kissed the top of my head and I drifted to sleep.
I had the same dream as last night but this time Will woke me up before my father had killed everyone.
“Shh, its okay, angel.” He murmured as I sobbed into his chest.
After a few minutes, I had calmed down a bit. He lifted my chin, making me look into his eyes. His thumb brushed away the remaining tears.
He looked so tired but still, he was worried about me. he came here to get some sleep, not to comfort me.
“Tell me about the dream.”
“I’ll tell you after you get some rest.” I told him.
“No, tell me.” he persisted.
“I’m not ready to talk about it yet.” I muttered, feeling another tear slip.
“Alright, later then, okay?” he asked, kissing my forehead.
“Okay.”
We fell back asleep and I was grateful that I had no nightmares.
We woke up around 3 in the afternoon and went downstairs to find Bethany.
“Hey, mom?” Will asked when we found her reading in the living room with David.
“What’s up?” she asked, looking at us above her reading glasses.
“I was wondering if I could stay here on week nights because neither of us are getting much sleep.” He started. We both sat down on the couch across from them. “I’m just worried about her father.”
Bethany looked up at me. “Can I have a word with you?”
“Sure.” I got up and followed her out to the porch.
“You have nightmares don’t you? I’ve heard you scream the past two nights and Xavier has fallen asleep with you.” She said.
“I do and they’ve just gotten worse. That’s why Will and I wanted to stay together at nights.” I admitted. “He helps calm me down and get through it.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about that?” she asked, gently.
“Because I wanted to get over it by myself. It’s a childish problem.” I replied. “I also didn’t want to give you more problems to deal with.”
“Hiding problems only causes more issues.” She told me, my mind flicked to my cutting. “Will can stay with you here on week nights and you two can go to his apartment on weekends.”
“Thank you.” I hugged her and we went inside.
She repeated her decision to Will and he thanked her. We both went downstairs to find the others.
“Hey guys.” Will said when we found Xavier, Zoey, Sky and Lily in front of the television.
Before any of them could respond, I was overcome with a wave of dizziness. I felt myself falling and my eyelids felt heavy. I felt someone grab me and I blacked out.
When I came to, I was in the living room, laying on a beige couch. Will held my hand and Lily sat in his lap, looking scared. Xavier sat by my feet. Zoey, Sky, Bethany and David all squeezed on he other couch. All eyes were on me.
“What-?” I started to ask.
“You passed out.” Will told me.
I blinked, confused. I hadn’t cut last night so it couldn’t have been blood loss. I honestly had no idea why it happened. Maybe I had a fever or something? That was my best guess.
“Rainah,” Zoey said, getting my attention. “How much have you eaten today?”
I thought about it and the question hung in the air. I knew the answer but I didn’t want to say it in front of the girls, clearly though, they weren’t going anywhere.
“I haven’t.” I said, trying to sit up. Will offered me a hand and pulled me up with Lily still on his lap.
“That’s why you blacked out.” Bethany sighed. “I think you need treatment, Rainah.”
“No, I’m fine. It won’t happen again-“ I started but Sky surprised everyone when she cut me off.
“You are just like mom.” She said quietly.
“What?” I was offended that she’d even say that.
“You are too blind to see that you need help. You are hurting us more then dad ever could.” She glared at me. “You think this isn’t hurting anyone but you are hurting every person in this room. You think you can protect Lily and I from everyone but you aren’t. you are the one hurting us.”
Sky got up and went upstairs.
I was too shocked to try to stop her.
I looked around the room and I saw what she meant. Everyone looked worried or upset. Even if I wasn’t hitting them, my actions still hurt them all emotionally.
I couldn’t stand the idea of hurting them but that’s what I had been doing with my eating disorder. By denying and ignoring it, I made their pain worse.
Maybe I did need help so that I could stop hurting everyone. My anorexia was a big problem because it effected everyone who was close to me. Could I reverse the damage I had already done?
I felt bad for Sky and Lily. They had to watch their sister, who was supposed to protect them, get dragged into this disease. They watched me get weaker but I refused to see that.
I felt bad for Will, he loved someone who he had to watch struggle to eat but denied help when he offered. He loved someone who was only getting sicker but I hadn’t seen that.
I put myself in all of their shoes for a minute. If I had to watch any of them get sick but they refused to see it as a problem, I would be angry and frustrated with them. I would try my hardest to make them see it which is exactly what Sky had done to me.
I needed to weigh myself for a reality check. I wanted to see how bad I had become.
“Zoey, Bethany, could you help me with something?” I asked them. I needed their support for this. “I need to weigh myself to see how bad I’ve let this get.”
“Alright.” Bethany nodded. I stood on shaky legs and Zoey grabbed my hand.
We went upstairs and the scale was in Bethany and David’s bathroom. I stood on the scale, holding my breath.
94 pounds.
I put a hand over my mouth in shock. I had never wanted to be less then 110. I now knew that this was a serious issue. This could kill me if it got worse. I needed help.
Of course, I knew getting better would be difficult but I had to try for everyone. Eating more would be a challenge and so would gaining a lot of weight. But the hardest thing would probably be to change how I think.
“I…need to go for a drive.” I said to them, I wanted to go see Ash. “I think I will need treatment.”
“We’ll talk when you get back. Take Will with you.” Bethany replied.
I decided that I would talk to the girls after I got back, right now it was too soon.
“Will?” I called, my voice sounded small.
“Right here.” He said from the living room. He came to me.
“Can you drive me somewhere?” I asked.
“Of course, where?” he grabbed his jeep keys.
“The graveyard.”
We went out to the car and when he opened my door, he made me stop and look at him.
“I still love you, no matter what. I will always love you.” His brown eyes burned into mine.
“I hurt you, Will. Why do you love someone who causes you pain?” I asked him. I didn’t understand, I didn’t deserve him. I still kept a secret that I knew would devastate him, I didn’t want to hurt him so I was putting it off.
“You don’t always cause me pain, you rarely do. I love you for who you are, I’ll take the good and the bad.” He kissed me softly.
“Thank you for that. For everything really.”
As we drove, I told him about the dreams.
“I’m glad I’ll be with you.” He said when I finished.
“Are you still mad about Xavier?”
“No.” he sighed. “I can’t be mad because he ran in your room, wanting to protect you.”
“Thank you.” I smiled at him.
We got to the graveyard and Will knew this was something I wanted to do on my own so he let me go alone.
I walked the familiar path to Ash’s gravestone. I realized I had a lot to talk about today as I knelt in front of his gravestone.
“Hey Ash, so much is happening recently.” I started. “The girls and I have moved in with Will’s parents. Sky was pretty hesitant about the entire thing but I think she now sees that they really care about her. Lily is now in dance classes and she seems pretty happy.
‘Will is my boyfriend now, can you believe it? He’s amazing and I’m in love with him. The amazing thing is that he loves me back.”
I sighed, I had started with the good stuff. Now I would force myself to talk about all that was negative.
There was a sudden breeze that whipped my hair around. Maybe I was crazy, but I saw it as Ash’s way of encouraging me to go on.
“Mom agreed to sign custody over to Will’s family but I feel like she might change her mind. Dad showed up at Sky’s school one day so Will and Xavier have been picking up the girls in case he drops by again.
“He called me and said he knows where I am and who I’m with and to expect a visit. I’m not afraid for myself, I’m afraid he’ll hurt someone else trying to get to me.
“I’m finally realizing that my eating disorder is a problem. Sky said I’m just like mom and dad and I hurt everyone just as much as they did. I have to talk to her and Lily when I go home. I think I’m going into treatment because I weigh 94 pounds. I’m scared of that.”
I started shivering and I knew I had to leave soon. I was still only in a t shirt and sweatpants.
“I really miss you, Ash. I wish you could meet Will and his family, you would love them.” I sighed. “I love you, Ash.”
I stood up and slowly walked back to the car. It was a small accomplishment to me that I hadn’t cried.
I got in the car and Will handed me his sweatshirt.
“Thank you.” I smiled at him, putting it on.
“You should really consider bringing your own sweatshirt when we go places.” He smirked at me as he started driving.
“Maybe I just like taking yours.” I replied.
We turned on the radio and we both started singing Perfect by Pink.
Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, this place, misunderstood
Miss "knowing it's all good"
It didn't slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I'm still around...
Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin' perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me
You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how we all made it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough
I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin' perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me
We sang to each other, smiling as we pulled into the driveway.
When the song ended and he turned off the car.
“I’m going to get help about my anorexia, the scale and Sky made me see that it is a problem.” I told him.
“If you don’t mind me asking, how much…?” he looked at me. “Never mind you don’t have to answer that.”
“94.” I sighed.
“I’m proud of you for seeing it as a problem.” He said, kissing my cheek.
We went inside and I decided to go talk to Bethany. She was in the kitchen, making dinner. Will hovered behind me.
“Bethany?” I called, getting her attention. “Can we talk about treatment now?”
“Sure.” She nodded. “So, there are lots of different programs. Some are all day every week, only on weekends, after school and impatient. Any idea which of these you’d want?”
“I think afterschool.” I said.
“That’s what I figured.” She smiled at me. “I’ll look into different programs and pick what will work best.”
“Okay.” I nodded, “Thank you.”
“Of course.”
I sighed. “I’m going to go try to talk to Sky.”
Will stayed downstairs while I went up to her room. Her door was shut and I knocked.
“Sky? Can I come in?” I asked.
“Fine.” She replied.
I went in to see her dipping a brush in paint and flinging it on the wall, making huge splatters of multiple colors.
“It’s splatter painting.” Sky said before I could ask.
“I’m going into treatment.” I told her after a minute.
“Really?” she stopped and looked at me.
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Look, you made me realize that I have been hurting you. I honestly doubt I can forgive myself for that and I certainly don’t expect you to be able to. But still, I want to stop hurting everyone.”
“I know I will forgive you in time. Thank you for finally seeing it.” She gave me a small smile. “Are you afraid of treatment?”
I stared at her wall and answered honestly. “Yes, I know it will be hard but I have to do it.”
“I know you can do it.” She got up and gave me a hug.
“Thank you, not just for that but for making me see everything.” I told her.
Lily came in. “Sky, Rain! Dinner’s ready.”
this was a important chapter because she finally achknowledges her anorexia. what did you all think?
Please vote and comment!
<3
Tori