SCARLETT
"Oh my God..." I say, feeling immediately my eyes getting teary. I immediately look up at the screen, almost seeing the images of my baby differently now, because now I know that it's a girl. A little girl Harry and I created.
When Harry lets my hand go, I bring my eyes on him just to see that he's hiding his face with both of his hands, probably not to show his happy tears. My hand immediately goes on his shoulder, to rub it and to make him look up at me.
"It's our baby girl..." I whisper to him and he finally looks up at me, with a big smile on his lips and his watery eyes, that he's just dried up.
"She'll be so beautiful..." he whispers, resting his forehead against mine and brushing my lips with his. "As beautiful as her mom."
"I love you so much..." I whisper against his lips, stroking his cheek while doing so.
I have to quickly dry up my tears, to hear everything else that the doctor has to say. He doesn't want to waste his time for sure, so maybe we can talk about it once we get home and it's only the two of you.
"From what I can see, the baby's development is going fine. She's a little small, but it's nothing you should worry about." At his words I breathe a sigh of relief, feeling so much lighter in knowing that she's doing fine inside of me. I just want her to be healthy more than anything.
"The bad news is..." he sighs. I immediately tighten my hold on Harry's hand and he holds mine together too. "I was right about the placenta previa."
"So what happens now?" I immediately ask, feeling all my worries slowly come back again.
"You just have to keep behaving like you've done until now... absolute rest and no sexual intercourse." I slowly nod my head, wanting to listen to everything he has to say. Now, more than ever, I'll follow everything he's told me for my baby. I want her to be healthy more than anything. "Also, a Caesarian section is necessary for delivery and we can already pick a date... it has to be during the first week of March." The doctor says and I feel the excitement quickly coming back.
"What about March 1st?" I propose. "It's exactly one month after your birthday..." I look up at Harry. He smiles at me and then slowly nods his head, obviously liking the idea. He's been incredibly silent and I can tell that he's just so overwhelmed by all this happiness and emotions, but also a little bit of worry.
"Then March 1st it is!" The doctor says, at both us and the nurse that probably has to save the date of it.
"You are free to go now... and don't forget to schedule the next appointment with my assistant before leaving." He tells me, before standing up and removing his gloves. The nurse cleans my stomach from all the gel and then I stand up, with Harry's help.
As soon as we're out of the doctor's office, Harry wraps his arms around me and he holds me in a hug.
"Can you believe that in exactly 5 months we'll welcome our baby into the world?!" He whispers to my ear. His tone of voice is full of absolute joy and excitement right now and he soon affects me too.
"I'm so happy..." I giggle, bringing both of my hands on his face and nearing it to mine. "You make me so happy, Harry Styles!" I cut the distance between our lips and he immediately wraps his arms around my waist.
"I love you..." he whispers against my lips, bringing his hand to my cheek to stroke it. "So much, Scar."
"There's so much we need to do..." I sigh, as soon as we get into the car. "We need a room for her if you don't want to go straight back to Quantico after giving birth... we need to buy everything we need and we need a name," I start rambling, feeling already so nervous about everything that there's to do and the fact that I can't practically leave my bed doesn't help me to feel better.
"Amia..." Harry suddenly says, capturing immediately my attention.
"What?" I say, not sure I've heard it correctly.
"We could name her Amia..." he shrugs his shoulders and smiles at me. "That's the name of the first painting you did for the baby we lost, the one I bought from you... it would be a good story to tell." He takes my hand and he strokes the back of it with his thumb. I'm not sure whatever are the hormones or not, but I soon enough find myself crying again. That name, that painting, they've always been important to me. When I had found out I had lost my baby, I had imagined her in that painting. It was my way to remember her forever and I had chosen a name for her. He remembered it and he couldn't have chosen a better name.
"Amia... do you like your name, honey?" I whisper, lowering my eyes on my stomach and bringing my hand on it. Harry soon enough brings his hand on it too. "Mom and daddy can't wait to meet you..."
"We love you so much, baby..." Harry says, unable to hold back the tears that are now slowly streaming down his face too. He lowers down, just to leave a long kiss on the center of my tummy.
"God!" I hiss, completely taken by surprise at first. I immediately bring my widened eyes on my tummy, trying to understand if what I've just felt is real, but when I see Harry with his eyes just as wide as mine I understand that it's not possible that I've just imagined it. "She just kicked!"
Harry quickly nods his head, having felt it too, with his hand on my tummy. His tears quickly start streaming again and he's to dry up his cheeks again, probably trying to stop them from keeping falling. "God... she's not even born and she's already destroying me," he says, letting out a giggle right after.
"She likes the sound of our voices..." I observe, keeping my hand on my tummy to repeatedly stroke it. Maybe she likes it too.
"And her name..." Harry adds with a smile, keeping stroking my tummy too.
"She's a pretty strong kick for being so small..." I observe, letting out a chuckle.
"She's like her mother... I didn't have a doubt," Harry says and giggles at me, looking at me with his eyes full of admiration.
"I'm not that small..." I make him notice with a laugh.
"Yeah, but no one would've ever thought that you would've been capable of doing everything you did... you're a fighter and I can tell this little girl is too." He brings his free hand to my cheek and caresses it.
"I've never felt much like a fighter... I just survived," I shrug my shoulders. "I've always thought that you tend to overestimate me... I hope she won't ever feel like that," I lower my stare on my tummy, feeling unable to sustain his look right now.
"You survived down there but you fought every other day of your life to make it out of there, to run away from that place..." He tells me, bringing his hand on mine. "You lost two babies but you survived and fought your way to the woman you're today, Scar." I look up at him, finally feeling brave enough to do so. He caresses my cheek when I do so and I give him a soft smile. "You're the strongest woman I know and I'm not overestimating you."
"I've always thought that surviving was my punishment for every bad thing I had done in life..." I bitterly chuckle. "When I lost the second baby, you weren't in my life anymore, I had seriously considered ending it all... I didn't even understand what was the point of it, you know?!" I sniff and I quickly dry up my tears. I've never said those words out loud and to anyone, except my therapist. "And if I have to be honest, I still didn't understand what was the point of it all, until recently." I look up at him. "Until finding you again." He smiles through the tears while he looks at me. "Before that, I was surviving... barely. It wasn't living, I've never felt like living once since I made it out alive from that place." I tell him what I had never told anyone before. I just tell him completely what is and has been on my mind, because he deserves to know. I trust him enough to tell him everything. "I was just surviving, punishing myself by being with a man I didn't love, away from everyone I loved, and then you returned to my life and even if I feel like the happiest person on the planet I have never allowed myself to feel like that, because I've never felt like I deserved it. There was always something inside of me preventing me from completely enjoying it." I breathe out. "But right now, for the first time, I feel like breathing again." A sob escapes my lips. A sob of happiness, because I really feel like that right now. I feel like I can be happy, wholeheartedly happy. I feel like I can cry without feeling the resentment and rage that have constantly accompanied my last years of life.
Harry wraps his arms around me and he holds me tight against his chest. He doesn't say anything, he just makes me feel everything I need to feel; that he'll always be here and that I can always count on him.
"Whenever you'll feel like that again, in any moment, even if just for one second, I want you to tell me." He takes my face in his hand, making me look right into his eyes. "I want you to talk to me like you've just done... I never want you to go through it alone, you understand me?!" I slowly nod my head and then I smile at him, before cutting the distance between our lips.
"I promise you!" I slowly nod my head, really meaning it this time.
ONE MONTH LATER
The belly is definitely growing. Slowly, but it's happening. It's quite evident that I'm pregnant now. The few times I've been out with Harry, I've been quite happy to show off my sixth-month belly under my now very tight clothes, that can't really hide it anymore.
My nausea, headache and back pains also got better. I can't say the same about my sore breasts or feet, but it's definitely a big step forward. Furthermore, I have a really good appetite again, which definitely is very helpful to the baby.
Harry has been as wonderful as ever, in such a better mood and mental state. The visits with his therapist are going really well, he's really happy with them and I can tell that he's doing big steps forward.
Amia, since that night, has been moving quite a lot. She's a pretty vibrant and strong little girl that really loves the sound of our voices... Harry's, in particular.
"Babe..." I hear Harry calling me from the other room and, right after, I hear his steps down the corridor to our bedroom. I see him on the doorway really soon, making his way to me. "My estate agent sent me a few options to check." He sits down next to me on the bed, with a bunch of papers on his legs.
"Harry..." I sigh, rolling my eyes at him and not really considering the papers he tries to show me. "What's the point of buying another house?"
"There's no place for her room here!" Harry protests and he's the one rolling his eyes at me, this time. We've been discussing it quite a lot, lately, and we're both stubborn on our decisions.
"She can't stay with us for the first days... what's the point of it if we go back to Quantico?" I try to resonate with him.
"So you don't want to stay here for the first year?" Harry furrows his eyebrows, finally listening to me and engaging in a serious discussion, instead of just obsessing over the crazy idea of buying another house.
"I'd like to stay where our house is... you obviously don't wanna live here, so..." I shrug my shoulders. I know that probably Harry wants to stay with Andres too for a little longer, but if I have to be honest, I don't see the point in buying a whole house, just for a year and I can't imagine living here for a whole year either, when there's not enough place for all of us.
"You know that I'll have to go back to my job, sooner or later..." his reminder immediately makes my mouth go dry and my heart skips a beat, but I just nod my head without adding anything else. Just thinking about it makes me feel extremely anxious, I just can't tell him that.
"You really wanna do that, eh... ?!" I just decide to ask him, lowering my stare to avoid his. He stays silent for a few seconds, probably just looking at me quite confused.
"You don't want me to go back?" He chuckles. When I look up at him, his eyebrows are furrowed and his forehead is wrinkled, making clear his confusion to me.
"Not really, after last time..." I say in all honesty.
"Scar, I thought we were clear about it..." he sighs, seeming quite surprised by my words on the matter. "I had said just two years and-" he tries to say, but I'm quick to stop him.
"And I would never ask you to change your mind for me..." I start saying. "But I might for your daughter." I bring my hands on my belly and I look at him straight into the eyes. He seems hurt and almost disappointed by me, when he assimilates my words.
"This is just a cheap shot and you know it..." he murmurs and lowers his stare. I almost feel guilty for a second, before remembering that I have in mind my daughter's and his best interests.
"I don't wanna lose you and I don't want her to grow up without a father..." I bring my hands to his face and I force him to look at me. He sighs at my words and then wraps his arms around my waist.
"This is the only thing I can do, the only thing I'm good at... what am I gonna do in life without it?!" He sighs and lowers his stare again.
"You're without it now and you're doing just fine, Harry..." I make him notice.
"Because I know that I'll go back to it... that's why, Scar!" He looks up at me.
"That's bullshit, baby!" I groan. "You're a father and you'll hopefully be a husband really soon... and you can do so many things in your life, where you don't risk to die."
"Like what? Work for my father?" He bitterly chuckles, standing up from the bed and nervously passing his hands through his hair.
"I don't know..." I sigh and shrug my shoulders. "It's up to you, honestly... I think you can do anything you want," I smile at him, but his hard expression doesn't soften.
"As long as it's approved by you, sure..." he ironically says, walking toward the chair in the corner of the room and getting his jacket.
"Where are you going now?" I'm quickly distracted, forgetting quite easily his previous comment when I see him wear the jacket.
"To take a walk... I need to think."
"Right... it's so typical of you running away whenever I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you," I shake my head, feeling hurt and worried about him walking away like that and it just only increases when he just like that, without telling me anything at all, leaves the bedroom and closes the door of it behind him.
*
I'm not sure when exactly I had fallen asleep, what I know for sure is that I had definitely cried myself to sleep. I can't tell if it's because of the hormones or if the argument had actually been so serious for me to spend so many hours crying. For once, I hope it's the hormones.
When I open my eyes, the light is turned off and I immediately see him sleeping next to me. My first instinct is to check the time and I realize it's past 1 A.M.
I wonder when he came back and why he decided not to wake me up. I don't think before acting, I just hug his sleeping figure, bringing my head on his chest and hoping to wake him up like that.
"Don't be mad at me..." I sniff, feeling on the urge of crying once again. He slowly opens his eyes and he gives me a confused look at first. He stays silent and then he brings his hand on my cheek to caress it.
"How could I ever..." he sighs, caressing my cheek with his thumb. He softly smiles at me and I immediately relax, getting even closer to him, out of happiness. "I'm sorry for leaving like that..."
"You know that I would personally never ask you to leave your job for me, but this case is different..." I lower my stare. He's quick to draw me toward him and lock our lips together for a few seconds.
"I know..." he nods his head. "I talked to Dylan and I got to the conclusion that I wanna be an active part of Amia's life... I don't want her to grow up with an absent father." I almost feel like crying again at his words, of a mix of happiness and emotion, this time. Dylan is the name of his therapist. Maybe what they talked about while he was away really helped him.
"I love you so much..." I tell him, bringing my lips to his again.
"We don't have to figure everything out now, but I promise we'll do it together and I won't run away this time..." I slowly nod my head and I smile at him, resting my head on his chest. He wraps his arms around my figure and he holds me tight, making me feel safe enough to fall asleep again.
"Baby..." Harry's voice is the first thing I hear the morning after and his hands, caressing my face, are the first thing I feel. I slowly open my eyes, just to see him sat next to me with a tray with my breakfast on it. "Breakfast is ready..."
I slowly get up, sitting down on the mattress and he rests the tray on my leg.
"How do you feel today?" He asks me, caressing my head and adjusting a lock of my hair behind my ear.
"Fine..." I slowly nod my head. "Hungry!" I smile, taking a bit of my bagel.
"I was thinking about something..." he starts saying. "What are we going to do once the baby is born now?" I furrow my eyebrows at his question, not really understanding what he's trying to say.
"What do you mean?"
"If I'll quit my job... what's the point of staying in Quantico?!" I immediately understand what he's trying to say now. He's not wrong and he's probably thinking about Andres too. The only reason why he was away from his son was his job, if it's not in the way anymore he'll obviously want to be near him too.
"You wanna stay here?" I ask him, grabbing his hand and caressing the back of it with my thumb.
"It'd be only fair to Cielo and Andres..." he slowly nods his head.
"Then maybe you should start looking for a house here again..." I sigh, giving in to him. "A bigger one..." I specify and chuckle.
"Ok... I can do that!" He slowly nods his head with a big grin on his lips. "I still have here the ones from yesterday you refused to check!" He stands up and walks toward the desk, just to take a bunch of papers and hand them to me. "Maybe you can check them while I go buy some groceries..." he says, walking toward the armchair, to get his jacket.
"God... can't I come too?!" I sigh, already hating the idea of remaining here alone once again. "I haven't been out since the last visit... I can't breathe inside of her." I dramatically bring both of my hands around my neck and I pretend to choke. Harry shakes his head at me and sighs, probably debating whatever let me out or not. "It's not even far, c'mon..." I insist.
"Fine!" He huffs, rolling his eyes at me. I immediately stand up, feeling quite euphoric that he's let me have my way.
Something tells me that he immediately regrets it, while he's sat down, waiting for me to try on basically everything in my closet, to check whatever still fit or not. Everything that I try on, is either too small or looks absolutely shit on my body of right now.
"God, I feel awful!" I sob, feeling soon enough on the verge of crying, while I look at my figure in the mirror. "Why haven't you told me that I look absolutely hideous lately?!" I hear Harry sigh at my words and soon enough he's by my side, into our walk-in closet.
"Because you don't!" He tells me, looking at me with a quite confused and bored stare. He probably just wants to go out and nothing more.
"Nothing fits me!" I raise my voice out of frustration, taking off the jumper I'm wearing and throwing it to the ground.
"You're pregnant..." he tells me, looking at me as if I'm completely insane.
"You're supposed to tell me that I'm beautiful!" I raise my voice and then roll my eyes at him.
"You're pregnant and beautiful!" He corrects himself and furrows his eyebrows, feeling even more confused. Ugh, men.
"I have an idea..." he quickly says, obviously wanting to get out of this situation. He walks from his side of the closet and gets one of his sweaters.
"Wear one of mine with a pair of jeans that still fits you and we're good to go!" I sigh, deciding to give in to his idea just to be quick. I wear my pair of mom jeans, that before my body had changed wear quite loose on me, and Harry's black sweater, together with a pair of flats of the same color.
I tie up my hair into a ponytail and once I've taken my bag, I'm ready to leave with him.
"I really need some new clothes..." I sigh, while I walk with him through the aisle of the supermarket.
"Just get them online..." he shrugs his shoulders, knowing that I wouldn't trust him to buy clothes for me and maybe, also because he doesn't really want to that much.
"Well, but I can't try them on like that!" I protest.
"Scar, you've barely put on extra weight, except for the belly... it shouldn't be too hard to find the right size," he rolls his eyes at me. Obviously, he doesn't know that it's not just about the size, but also about how a piece of clothing looks on your body, since everything fits everyone differently. Once again, men.
"Whatever!" I huff. "Next time I'll just stay home doing crazy shopping for me and our daughter online with your credit card, since I bother you so much."
"I'd rather give you my credit card any day of the week, trust me..." he says, getting some stuff from the freezer and putting it into our cart.
"Than having me with you?!" I widen my lips, feeling quite hurt. "Nice!"
"Don't get mad..." he chuckles. "I'm only joking!" He surrounds my shoulders with his arm and he draws me nearer to his body.
"You don't joke with a pregnant woman!" I threaten him, getting incredibly near to his face in doing so and then just cutting the distance between our lips to kiss him.
"Sorry!" He smiles at me and raises his hands in defense.
"I want the chocolate ice cream!" I immediately say, as soon as I see the ice cream aisle.
"Get them, while I get some pieces of meat for tonight," he tells me. I nod my head and I slowly walk toward the freezer to get the exact type of ice cream I want.
Once that I'm done, I walk back to where I left him and when I don't see him, I walk toward the meat section to look for him. I see him waiting there for his turn while he talks to a blonde woman, dressed quite elegantly and very attractive, for sure. By the animated way they're talking, I'd say that they already know each other. I feel practically burning with annoyance when I see the way she touches his shoulder. I quickly walk toward them and Harry immediately smiles at me when he sees me.
"Did you get your ice cream?" He asks me and I nod my head, immediately regretting even buying it in front of this woman, who's in perfectly dressed in her designer clothes and her perfect makeup and hair.
"You must be Scarlett!" She immediately says, giving me a smile. "I heard so much about you!" She says. I furrow my eyebrows, giving Harry a confused look, before saying anything at all. Obviously, she's heard a lot about me when I don't even know who she is.
"Scar, she's Dylan Perk!" Harry tells me, while the woman stretches her hand toward me, for me to shake. I immediately feel betrayed, giving Harry an annoyed look before shaking her hand. This woman, in front of us, is his therapist. The one he let me think was a man.
"Oh... you're Dylan!" I pretend to be excited to meet her and not mad at Harry, at least while she's here. "I heard a lot about you too!"
"Good things, I hope..." she smiles. "And the pregnancy absolutely fits you, you look radiant!"
"Thank you!" I just say, trying to give her a friendly smile.
"Anyway, it's better if I go back to my groceries..." she says, probably understanding my hostility, no matter how hard I've tried. Or haven't.
"It was nice to meet you!" I quickly say.
"Likewise!" She smiles at me. "I'll see you tomorrow..." she says at Harry and he tells her goodbye too. Before he can say anything at all, I turn around and start walking toward the exit with a quick pace. I can hear him behind me, while he calls my name, but I just ignore it.
"Scar, what the hell is wrong now?!" He tells me, once that he's reached me and stopped in front of me.
"You let me think she was a man!" I raise my voice way too much, immediately regretting it since we're in a public place.
"No, I didn't..." he shakes his head. "You were the one to assume it!" He shrugs his shoulders.
"And you let me think so!" I roll my eyes, trying to push him out of my way to go out of here but he makes it hard.
"I didn't want you to stress... her sex is not important!" I sigh at his words, deciding to give it up already. I don't want to have another fight with him today.
"I'll wait for you in the car while you finish... my feet hurt," I lie, needing an excuse to leave. He thinks about protesting at first but then he ends up just leaving me the key, probably because he doesn't want to fight either.
He comes after ten minutes, more or less. Which means he's been very fast, considering that we weren't done yet with our grocery shopping.
"How are your feet?" He asks, as soon as he gets into the car.
"Better..." I just say, looking outside of the window and avoiding to look at him.
"She's just my therapist, Scar..." he sighs.
"I wouldn't have had any kind of problem about it if you hadn't lied about her being a man," I raise my voice again, feeling like boiling with anger all over again, while I think about it.
"God, I didn't lie!" He huffs. "I just never told you she was a woman... it just didn't matter!"
"Yeah, I can tell... that's exactly why you didn't tell me, obviously!" I bitterly chuckle, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Not everyone gets involved with their therapist, regardless of what you're used to..." he murmurs but I can still hear him very clearly.
"There was literally nothing more than a kiss... we didn't even sleep together!" I huff, feeling hurt that he would even bring it up again.
"As if I care!" He shakes his head and sighs, obviously already tired of what is going on, but neither of us can stop it now.
"You clearly do, or you wouldn't have brought it up!" I raise my voice. "As if I owe you any explanation about that... you're the one with a kid from another woman and I've never complained about that once."
"She wasn't my therapist..." he sighs, massaging his temple.
"Right... she was just the girl you met as a friend of your dead girlfriend," I bitterly chuckle, regretting my words a little bit too late, when they're already out of my mouth. He gives me a hurtful look and I lower my stare, unable to sustain his.
"Will you ever let it go... ?!" He murmurs.
"I've already let it go... I don't know why I said it," I sniff, taking a deep breath right after to calm down. I've vented enough to feel free from all my anger and resentment of a few minutes ago, now I feel even guilty for the scene I put up. "I'm sorry..." I decide to say. "For everything," I quickly add.
"I'm sorry too... especially for not telling you that she was a she."
I lean in to get to his lips to kiss them, to feel again like everything is fine. He smiles against my lips and he caresses my cheek, before letting me go.
"Wanna go home to do a little online shopping?" He asks me with a kind smile. "It's on me!" He chuckles and I immediately nod my head, really liking the idea.