THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR READING AFFECTION!! It just hit 10 000 reads! ahhhh :D Honestly can't believe people actually like this book. And if you do like it, don't forget to vote and comment ;) I love hearing from you guys. Oh and I changed the cover...do you like it? :)
Before you start reading this chapter, just know that this is Joselyn's POV of the last chapter. I want you to know what went through her mind..
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Ashton catches me the minute I fall and he carries me through my room. At one point I think he’s going to put me on my bed, but instead he goes down on his knees, with me still in his arms, and sits down next to it. Any human being would go straight to bed and put the unconscious person in there and put a blanket over the person. But not Ashton. Of course not. I wonder if he noticed my books or the color of the walls. I bet he noticed the pieces of bread that are no longer fresh.
He tugs a strand of my hair behind my hair and I frown. Not because it hurts, it does not, but because of the feeling. I feel something. I finally feel something. Perhaps it was because it was the first human contact, any contact at all actually, I’ve had for days. Perhaps it was the unfamiliar feeling of someone touching my hair. Normally, I hate it. But the most probable reason I frowned was because of him. Because of Ashton. Because of his touch. I’ve missed it. I thought about it several times even though I hate to admit it. When the tears were falling and my thoughts were taking over me, my heart always reminded me of Ashton.
I hear a silent sob over me and when I open my eyes, Ashton’s got his shut. From the look on his face, it seems like he’s in pain. Is he about to start crying because of me? I can’t let that happen.
“How…” I breathe out and he looks at me with his blank eyes.
It’s so hard to speak. My throat is dry. I’ve hardly drunk anything these past days. Mom puts a water bottle at the tray with the food, every day, but for some reason, I can’t get the liquid down my throat along with the rest of the dry food.
“…did you…”
“How I found out about you?” Ashton quickly says, finishing my sentence.
I’m surprised he even heard me at all but I’m glad he did. He just saved my voice. I know I will need it for later. I nod, or so I try. I can barely feel my head move.
“You didn’t respond to any of my messages. I texted you on Monday and sent you messages through Facebook when you didn’t reply by Tuesday. I called you but you wouldn’t answer. Today I talked with Michael and he told me he had been to your father’s office this morning. Apparently he was invited in, but your father wasn’t there because of some family emergency. And you were the first one on my mind. I jumped in the car and drove right over. Your mom let me in. she was looking so tired, Joselyn. She told me she had picked you up crying after a class and when you got home, you ran upstairs and they haven’t seen you since. She’s worried about you. You should know that.”
Ashton talks slow. I think he thinks I’m still tired, and I am. I take every word in, try to understand what actually happened. I know he texted me, or at least I know somebody did. The phone kept buzzing that day, but soon the battery died and I didn’t feel like charging it. Nobody would even care. Except that person who kept making it buzz. But he would have to wait.
“Did she…say…what…”
“She doesn’t know what’s happened with you. I don’t want to push you to anything but please, please, tell me Joselyn. Why were you crying?” He goes quiet for a second. “Your mom said something about a blonde guy…”
A blonde guy, also known as…
“Luke. It was Luke, wasn’t it?”
Yes. Yes it was Luke. It was your best friend Luke who I talked to. Luke who is also your ex-girlfriend’s brother. But it wasn’t just Luke who made this to me, I want to tell him. I look up at him. He’s looking all pale now. Does he have any clue of what’s going on? His grip hardens around me and I feel his fist clench as he pulls it away from me. I’m still solid in his grip.
I have to ask him. I have to.
“Ashton?”
“What?”
“Amy?”
I can’t manage to say any more words. One word sentences will do. He understands anyway, I think.
“We knew it was over a long time ago. We fought, we called each other names. And I was miserable around her. I just didn’t know how and when to do it.”
He confirms it. They really did break up. It wasn’t just an imagination. Ashton and Amy are no longer in a relationship. But it scares me. Why the hell would they break up? Was it because of our kiss? When I overheard Amy in the changing rooms last week she said something about not seeing each other anymore. I should have figured something out by then.
“But then we kissed. You and I. I’ve never…I still feel your lips on mine. It’s crazy, I know, but I do. After you left, I went to their house immediately. She was the one who opened.”
I was right. Our kiss. It’s all because of me. Oh great, another thing to add to the list of why I shouldn’t be here. I can feel my heart again. It’s not empty anymore. It stings, like someone stabbed it and pulled the knife back out fast.
Then he tells me about their break-up. How she threw her arms around his neck. I know she wanted to kiss him and I’m surprised he didn’t. Or maybe he just let that part out of the story to save me some more heart stabbing.
"We need to talk."
That old comment. It’s overused and if someone I liked said that to me, I’d run away before he’d even gotten the chance to start talking to me. I wouldn’t look back. I’d be in complete denial.
I’m surprised Ashton doesn’t explicit her words when he announces he wanted to break up. I want to tell him not to swear, like he told Emma. But I don’t. This is not the right time for any jokes. He has to finish this story. He always lets me finish my stories.
“You were on my mind the entire time. And no, I haven’t spoken to Luke yet,” he says afterwards, answering one of my million questions I have for him.
Luke is going to kill him next time they see each other. I am sure. I wonder if Ashton was unknowingly just hiding in my bedroom. I wonder if Luke has said anything to Amy about me since that time in the parking lot. Because if he has, I’ll be dead as well. Not killed by Amy or Luke, but by…
“Shh, shh.”
Ashton starts stroking my hair. I haven’t even notice me beginning to cry, my face in my hands. Why am I like this? Why am I oversensitive?
“Joselyn, I don’t know what to say to you, or what to do but I want you to know, I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to. If you want me to leave, tell me. I will sit here for days if you let me. But you’ve got to explain this to me. You’ve got to tell me what exactly happened, because if you don’t, I can’t help you. And I want to help you, babe.”
Did he just call me babe? My sobbing stops. I think he did, because he stops stroking my hair and I can hear him take a deep breathe.
“Tell me everything, start wherever you want. You can start at this moment or you can tell it backwards, you can tell me from when Luke said whatever he said, or you can tell me in whatever order you want. But you’ve got to tell me something. And…”
“I can’t,” I whisper. “Too much.”
“When?”
“I don’t know.”
I can’t tell Ashton all of this. It will take days and I don’t know if I can handle it. If I can make it through till the end. Telling him a little about the bullying, and about Christine pretending to be my friend, was hard enough. But at the same time, since I haven’t felt anything for days, except his touch, maybe telling him won’t hurt me.
If I can’t feel, I can’t get hurt, right?
I’m just about to say something when I hear a sudden knock on the door. Please don’t let it be her. Don’t be her. Don’t be her. Dear God, don’t let it be…I can see mom peek in, through the corner of my eye and I know God didn’t hear me. Please stay where you are, mom. Do not come in. I repeat, do not come in. I hear the door crack a little more and I stare at Ashton.
Look at me! I want to tell him. Just look at me! And when he finally does I just shake my head slowly at him, hoping mom didn’t notice. Then I close my eyes, praying I will manage to keep them shut long enough.
“Oh Joselyn, oh my, how are you, honey? Honey? Is she awake?” Mom’s voice gets closer and I think she drops down on her knees next to us.
I hold my breath as Ashton speaks. Please.
“No.”
I let out the breath and keep focusing on my breathing. It has to look as if I’m actually sleeping. I’ve done this before so I know not to take too deep breathes, but not breathe too fast either.
“How did you get in?”
I try not to wince when a cold hand touches my cheek.
“With a little force.”
Why is Ashton lying for me? Why did he not just tell her I was awake?
“Oh honey.”
The cold hands cup my face and I want to fight them off, but instead I just lie there, keep focusing on my breathing. Inhale and exhale. In and out. I hear a sob but I don’t move. My heart doesn’t even flinch when I hear it.
“She’s just sleeping. I think we should just let her stay like this for a while.”
No, don’t leave me, Ashton. Stay with me.
“Of course, of course.”
The cold hands disappear but my cheeks still feel cold.
“Will you stay with her? Tell me if she wakes up.”
Uhm mom? Did you just leave me alone with a stranger?
“Of course.”
“Great, great. Okay I guess I’ll go then. You stay, right? Look after her?”
Alright mom, you can go now, but somehow I can still feel her presence near me.
“Yes Juliet. Just go.”
That’s right, Ashton, tell her to go. You can let me go if you want, and push her out of the room, as long as you come back. But please, get her out. Or say something. Say anything to make her go.
I focus on my breathing again. For the second time today I feel something in my heart. I feel rage. I’m mad at mom for not leaving. Why is she just standing there? Why won’t she just turn around and close the damn door behind her? Is she staring at me? Please stop staring mom. You know I hate that. It’s not like I’m gonna shut my eyes wide open and yell GOTCHA! This is no joke, mom. It never is with me. I hate jokes.
I hear the door close and I breathe out. Okay, let’s do this.
I wriggle myself out of his arms, grabbing his hand just to keep steady and the warmth is back. Maybe he’ll get me back to life. Maybe he’ll be the one to make me feel everything again. Standing up is hard, my feet fell asleep during the time in Ashton’s arms and my legs are slightly shaking. I take a step towards the door, praying nobody else decides to join us. When I reach the door, I quickly shut it, turn around the key and put the chair back underneath the handle. Just in case they use the spare key again.
I turn around to face Ashton who’s begun to move. He’s already halfway up.
“Don’t move,” I say and am surprised. My voice sounds normal again. “You’ve got some questions and I’m willing to answer them.”
I sound so confident, and I hope it will last. My hands are trembling as I reach for one of the water bottles mom put outside earlier today, and I take a sip. My throat isn’t tight anymore, and it feels good letting the liquid pour down.
“If you agree to never, and I mean never ever, tell anyone about this. Don’t tell Michael or any of your friends. And most importantly, do not, under any circumstances, tell my parents I told you this. As a matter of fact, don’t tell them I even said anything at all. This is our secret.”
Ashton nods. Good boy. I actually do trust him with this because nothing personal that I have told him has ever slipped his mouth, not that I know of anyway. But this time is different. I’m barely here and he knows it.
So…Am I really doing this? He deserves some answers and I need to get my story straight. I’m a shitty writer so keeping a diary has never been an option. I’m a shitty talker too and everybody knows it. But somehow Ashton doesn’t seem to think so. And maybe that’s the reason why I finally feel like it’s time to share this. This that I’ve been holding in and trying to forget but keeps being reminded every day. And I hit the point the other day. I do not want to go back.
I need help.
And Ashton will help me.