It's all about the perfect timing, right? Yeah. I wonder how things would have turned out had Luis not have been looking at my computer screen when I entered the room completely naked.
I felt like a complete moron. I think that I must be the unluckiest girl on earth. It's a curse, really! That moment when you are quite literally bearing all of yourself to the man you love... you are showing him your vulnerabilities at what could be the worst possible timing ever.
Well, how does one recover from that? Let me tell you, that it is very possible to recover from that.
So, there I am standing in front of him wearing only my birthday suit. While I am very comfortable with my nakedness, I have just appeared to him this way while he is currently very confused.
He is watching me and he seems to be unaware of how to address the situation. Judging by the song 'Broken Wings' by Mr. Mister which is currently playing, he clearly found my music playlist.
So he does the only thing that he can do! He clears his throat and turns his back to me. "Damn. Nicky! What the hell! That's not what I meant by getting out of those clothes," he tells me.
I can hear him laughing nervously under his breath, trying to maintain his composure and now I am all the more confused.
What do I do in this situation? Do I run away and hide my face and body and never address this situation again? Nope! Do you want to know what I do?
I own the moment!
I am proud of my body. I've worked hard to finally be able to love myself... Every imperfection is what makes my body perfect! So if he isn't okay with it. That's his problem. It's not like he hasn't seen it before.
Plus, I'm kind of scared that he might run away after seeing that maternity lingerie site. I want to stop him if and when he does.
"You're laughing, Luis? Why are you laughing?" I ask.
"I'm not laughing... I just..." He is so laughing! "You're still naked, aren't you?" he asks me.
I look down at my body and shrug. "Yep, it's my house. You've seen my body before. So, I don't know what the problem is." He brings his hands to the back of his head and still doesn't turn back.
"The problem is..." he stammers. "The problem is that you have no clue just how hard it is to resist you! And now you're looking at maternity wear... Just tell me, are you pregnant? If you are, who's is it? Is it Ryan's?"
Now I am laughing. "I won't answer unless you turn and face me, Luis," I say as I step toward him.
I am getting flashbacks of Jaime doing this exact thing to me. Poor Luis, I know how uncomfortable he is feeling right now.
Luis closes his eyes as I approach him. "I'm not going to look," he tells me. "You can't make me look."
"No, I can't make you... But, that's your choice and I respect that..."
"Are you going to go get dressed?" he asks me.
"Nope!" I smile at him. "That's my choice, and you need to respect that!"
He is weighing up his options. The hint of a smile appears on his face and he removes his hands from the back of his head.
I continue to smile at him and he slowly opens his eyes and turns his body to face me, maintaining eye contact. He will not lower his head for the life of him, although he really looks like he wants to.
"So, are you going to tell me?" he asks me. His voice falters a little.
I smile. "You held up your end of the bargain, so yeah... I'll tell you."
A patient smile rests across his face. "I'm waiting," he says.
"The baby is Adam's," I say with a smile, knowing that those words will confuse him all the more.
"What? You're pregnant to Adam?" Yep, that is confusion. He is stumped! It is just so cute!
I manage to keep a straight face. "No, not yet. But he asked me and I'm still weighing up the options. He and Matt eventually want to be parents and he asked me."
"Through IVF, right?"
Silly question, Luis.
"No... we're going to have sex!" I laugh.
"Really? But... Adam's gay!"
I cannot stop laughing. "I'm joking, Luis. Relax."
"So you're not going to have his baby?"
I sigh and sit down at the table. I turn down the music just a little so he can hear me and gesture for him to join me. "Adam asked me yesterday, I'm still thinking it over and yes, it will be through IVF," I say.
"So, it would be your baby, too? Like your eggs and stuff, right?"
"Maybe? I don't know. But if I did, Adam said that he would want me to be its mother," I explain to him.
"How does his boyfriend feel about that? I mean, you and Adam... you would be parents to each other's kid."
"Apparently, he's okay with it. I mean, it's anything far from conventional... But it would be providing Adam with the opportunity to be a father. Which would be the best gift that I could give him."
Luis studies me cautiously. His expression is blank.
Damn, I'm beginning to care about what he thinks. This is not how the afternoon was supposed to go!
We should be screwing on every surface of the place right now. I am sitting before him naked right in front of him and he has this expression as if he is about to run away in fear.
Didn't he just tell me before that he has trouble resisting me? Say something, Luis! I want to shake him right now!
"So you could be a mother to Adam's baby? Nicky, you would be a mother, is that what you really want?" he asks me. His tone is serious. Is he mad? I can't tell.
I consider what he is asking me. I only just lost my mother a few months back. I have spent so much of my life fighting the stereotypes that are put on women. That we are expected to be nothing but devoted housewives and mothers.
Sure, this isn't the fifties... Women can be whatever they want! I know that!
But is this what I want? I mean, I'll be thirty-one in only a few short months. I am getting my life on track! Having a baby will change that!
I look around the apartment and then I realize it.
Yeah, I do want to be a mom. But at the same time, I still want every other thing that I have been striving for!
If I want something enough, surely there's nothing stopping me from obtaining it. I just have to work harder! Women can have it all! Just as men can!
I look back up at Luis. This is my decision, Not his.
If I choose to do this with Adam, my life would be anything but traditional. But then, it's never been traditional anyway.
"Yes, Luis. I want to do it. But, I also like you. Probably more than I should. So, if this is a deal breaker, I'm sorry. But, I'm going to have to do this." I realize that there are tears on my face.
I feel as if I am breaking up with him. But, we're not technically together... so, how is that even possible?
Luis swallows down a little saliva from his mouth and then nibbles down on his bottom lip.
There is pure silence between us for a few moments. Neither one of us is speaking anything out loud. Yet, my mind is screaming at him to say something.
At that moment I am very well aware of how naked I am.
Suddenly the pot on the oven starts to bubble, stealing his attention from me. He gets to his feet and doesn't say anything at all.
"Luis, please say something!" I beg as I get to my feet beside him.
"What do you expect me to say?" he raises his voice at me and then closes his eyes for a brief moment.
"Why are you so mad at me?" I raise my own voice.
But before he can answer my question, the door to my apartment opens abruptly.
Of course, it is Adam and Matt destroying the moment and here I am standing here naked arguing with Luis.
Before I can make a break for my room, Luis grabs a hold of me and turns his back to Adam and Matt as if to be shielding my body away from them. His arms are wrapped around my waist.
My forehead is pressed against his chin. My whole naked body is being pressed up against him. Clearly, he didn't think that move through as he suddenly becomes very uncomfortable.
"Er... Sorry, we'll come back later!" Adam announces. As he and Matt leave just as quickly as they had arrived.
I look up at Luis's face as he looks down at me. He still has me in his arms. The palms of his hands are pressing into my back and he is holding me tighter than I can ever remember him holding me.
He can barely breathe and neither can I. He glances down at my lips and in an instant, I know exactly what he is thinking. He licks his bottom lip.
I have barely a second to react before his lips are up against mine. His hands are trailing up and down my back. I am far too lost in his kiss. For the first time ever, I have relinquished all control. This is quite literally a first for me!
We are both entirely breathless and ready to go further. But then, I manage to pull my lips away.
"What's happening here?" I ask him, trying to battle my own sense of delirium.
"I can't keep faking this," he says as he releases me and turns back to the oven.
"Faking what? Are we fake dating? Fake not dating? Is there really even a definition of what we are?" I ask him.
He shakes his head. "I don't know anymore. But that... me grabbing you like that... that was all me. We never even talked about that night in LA. That was also me! It's not me pretending with you. Neither was that jealous charade that I pulled on that guy today. I really was jealous."
I consider what he is saying and then consider the situation that we were just arguing about. "I feel the same way, Luis. I do. But, you can't make me change my mind."
I know that whatever is between Luis and I will never work out if he can't respect my wishes. I start walking toward my bedroom leaving Luis quietly stirring the pot.
When I make it into my room, I close my door, slowly dress into my blue pair of pajamas and then slump down onto my bed. The moment that I do, I can't stop the tears from coming.
Sometimes I wish that I could be a little more traditional. How perfect would it be if Luis and I got married, had kids and lived a normal traditional life?
But I am not normal! There is no doubt about it, I am okay with having Adam's baby. He is family to me. He always has been.
But as much as I love Luis, I feel that if he can't respect this then maybe it just isn't meant to be. I am not willing to sacrifice everything that I am just to be in a relationship.
But at the same time, I understand things from his point of view. He has finally just opened up to me about how he feels.
He never signed up to this. He never signed up to any of it. He was just always there... to help me pick up the pieces.
This guy has to have his limitations and I think that I have just found them.
I hear my apartment door open and then close again. It makes me flinch!
"Luis?" I call out. But there is no answer.
Well, I was right when I thought that he would flee.
I stand up and slowly leave my room. As I emerge into the kitchen and then walk into the living room where I see that he is nowhere to be seen.
The pot is still bubbling on the stove. I notice a note sitting on the table and I instantly slump down into the seat beside it as I read it.
'I'm sorry, Luis.' That's all that it says.
Ouch!
My face falls into my arms and I can't prevent the tears from coming. My heart quite literally feels as if it is breaking in half. The physical pain that I feel from within my abdomen is unbearable. I get to my feet and check the oven. Luis switched it on to a low heat.
Nonetheless, I switch it off and make my way out of the apartment and over to Adam's place. I charge into his apartment, not speaking a word and sit down on the couch grasping both Adam and Matt's attention from the kitchen.
"Nic? Are you okay?" Adam asks as he approaches me. I can't speak. Instead, I just bury my face into my hands and cry. He hugs me tightly, while Matt rushes to pour me a glass of water.
"Talk to me, honey, what did Luis do?" Adam asks as he strokes the back of my hair. "Tell me everything. Do I need to kick his ass? Wait, on second thought... Do you need to kick his ass and have me cheering you on from the sidelines? Because that's what I'll do if you need me to!"
"I told him that I was going to say yes to you about the baby... He got mad and then you guys came and then you left and then he kissed me and then I said I wouldn't change my mind and then he left!" I say through sobs.
Wow, that was long winded!
Matt passes me the glass of water and I drink it down quickly.
"He was angry at you for saying yes?" Matt asks.
I nod my head and press my head against Adam's shoulder. He and Matt exchange glances. Clearly, they are conflicted by both my decision and the fact that it caused Luis to leave.
"Do you want us to talk to him? I mean, it's not like we're planning to have a baby right this second... " Adam says. "Are you sure that this is what you want to do?"
"Don't call him. I don't want to pressure him into doing anything he doesn't want to do." I say. "and yes... it is. I've never been more sure about anything in my life."
Adam pulls me in close and kisses me on the forehead and then Matt joins in the hug too. He rests his head on my shoulder. "Thank you so much, Nicky," he says.
I hang back at their apartment for a few more hours until I feel far too tired to stay any longer. I say goodbye, despite Adam's bid to try and force me to stay and I slowly make my way back to my apartment.
Luis still isn't there and the pot of whatever he was cooking is still a little warm. I pour some into a small bowl for myself and store the rest in the fridge. I dish out some food for Zachary and once I have eaten my dinner, I turn out the lights get out of my pajamas and hop into bed.
Do you remember at the beginning of my story when I said that I sleep naked and have fears that someone would break into my apartment in the middle of the night?
Well, sometimes I just wish that lady luck would for just once brighten my doorstep! Because that baseball bat that I had was burned in the fire!
I manage to fall asleep, but I wake almost an hour later to the sound of someone at my door. I sit up in my bed, focusing my senses. Someone is most definitely in my living room. I slide out of my bed and put on my bathrobe as silently as I can.
I hear the intruder bumping into something. It sounds like the vase on the shelf. But they must have balanced it out because there is no smash.
Unless they are going to use it as their weapon. Which means, I need to find a weapon to defend myself with. What's close by? A heavy book? No, I can't use that.
My lamp! It's an antic and it will break... but I'm left with very little choice. My father will understand. I unplug the lamp, remove the shade, the bulb and hold out the metal frame ready to make my attack.
I slowly make my way toward my bedroom door. I open it slightly and I can most definitely see the silhouette of a stranger in my house.
But I can barely make out the features. They are moving pass my couch and they have their back to me. Clutching the lamp in my hand I slowly creep toward them, doing my best to stick to the shadows.
They haven't noticed me yet. By now I have mastered all the creaky floorboards from my room to my couch. I know where to step. I am now only several feet away from them and whoever it is, is still standing by my couch. What the hell are they doing?
Still, I need to get them before they get me. One swing is all that it will take.
"Get out!" I yell. I can't stop myself as I swing the lamp at them.
They turn around and say "huh?" but before the lamp can connect, they catch the lamp. They are holding onto it.
"Nicky, it's me, Luis!" he says, holding onto the lamp in the dark.
What do you know? Lady Luck did come to visit me after all.